To NOT want my husband to have a makeover and dress as a woman?

[Katie4u]

I have known about my husband's need to dress as a woman for almost 20 years. I came home unexpectedly one day to find him wearing my clothes. I was shocked and quite frightened. He explained that this was something he had been doing in secret since he was a little boy. Me being me, I felt sorry for him. We spoke about it for quite a while - I couldn't shut him up - I tried to understand him, but it became clear to me that this wasn't something that was going to go away. I told him that I didn't want to be part of it, that our children mustn't ever see him or know about it and he has been true to his word. There have been times when he has asked if he could dress and be with me and I must confess that, in bed, he was a lot more passionate making love to me dressed in my undies than he was when he was naked ... he's not gay! Now that our kids have flown the nest, he has had more opportunity and is taking more risks. He wants to know how good he would look with a professional makeover and he has found a place where he can go to do this. I have said no. I'm frightened where tis might lead? Am I being unreasonable?!

I fully agree that wearing whatever you like should be ok for anyone.
It's just clothes after all it's not like it hurts anyone.
From my point of view though I met and married a man who told me nothing of this then several years later told me about this and is now contemplating transitioning.
It's not the clothing,it's the lies.

I understand fully that it is our society that has forced him to hide this and really believe it should be different.

Not all men who cross dress will transition to become women, however some will and my husband (and best friend) is one of them. It took me a long time to accept that this wasn't something done to hurt me but that he was, simply, a woman and always had been. The pressures on him to be/act like the man society demanded he be eventually took their toll on him and he became increasingly ill, angry, unable to sleep etc.. When he first came out to me I was upset about being lied to but looking back I realised he'd tried to tell me many times. I accepted and helped him choose clothes and make up ( fortunately he's not the flamboyant type) but it became obvious that his feelings ran deeper. I was afraid of losing him but as he progressed onto hormones he seemed much calmer and happier and the 'male' side of his personality that I was afraid was lost actually returned. I did consider leaving him on more than one occasion, both for my happiness and his but I stayed because I love him so much I was prepared to keep him any way I could. I'm not gay or bi (not prejudiced either) but we now have a better relationship than before including sexually. No lies, no pressures, just the honest relationship we both always wanted. I've never had a lesbian experience in my life before but it doesn't feel like that. His (now her) body isn't a turn off, I just simply get turned on differently. She is a better lover and a better person than he ever was (and he was a good husband). Some people have accepted us and some haven't but we don't waste our time worrying about them. I've seen the Beaumont Society mentioned in earlier posts and they're definitely worth contacting. It doesn't have to be the end if he's TS, there's light at the end of the tunnel.

i hope the OP and her DH worked things out.

If my dh started doing this I think I would be shocked BUT we have been together since we were 15 I dont think I would leave him unless he changed his personality and who he was, I love him too much. However, I think it would mean the death of our sexual relationship - and I cant explain why but I just dont think I could be attracted to him if he was dressed as a woman or expressed a desire to be a woman. Perhaps I am wrong to think that but I do.

All I can think is that he shouldn't have to ask permission to go for a makeover. If he wants to, he should go ahead.

I don't see the problem with him cross-dressing. I only know 2 men who cross dress, although neither are gay.

If my DP wanted to cross dress, my only worry would be the possible comments and perhaps violence towards him if he did so outside.

Hi Katie, I can feel for you, I found out after 13yrs of marriage, when I thought I knew everything there was to know about my DH, that he was a cross-dresser. He sat me down and told me calmly one evening, out of the blue, words cannot describe how shocked I felt. It must have been a lot more tough for you to find out the way you did.

When you had your initial chats about it, did you tell your husband what you would be comfortable/uncomfortable with or have you since? I think you need to perhaps make it clearer to him, perhaps he is thinking 'she will come round' like you have been persuaded to do other things (albeit you say you enjoy them). I think you need to be clear in your own mind and make it clear to him that there is a point when you will say 'STOP - I'm NOT comfortable now with the way this is going' and your husband at that point needs to put your needs over his. I like to think that that is what I would do if my DH pushed the boundaries but is easier for me to say being on the outside looking in. Just be honest though, if you are not happy it will only lead to an unhappy relationship. Good luck.

Katie,
I'm sorry you are still struggling with this. Remember, I am always here if you have any questions or just want to chat. Having been throught this I think I have a unique perspective.
Huggs,
Suzanne

Why have you bumped this up from 2014 for?

Suzanne, she is possibly not still struggling at all as this is four years old.

Paul O'Grady is a gay man who started his show biz career as a drag queen. He doesn't want to have sex with women!
It is the need to include women in the fetish that is the problem.

And you are making it all about the cross dresser and not the partner who is being told to"be kind" and disregard their own feelings.

11 years old now!