How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

(734 Posts)
PutTheCakeDOWN Thu 10-Jun-21 09:26:21

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

OP’s posts: |
FuckyouCovid21 Thu 10-Jun-21 09:28:37

Tell them to check into a B&B or something and if you can you'll meet up with them for a day but they are definitely not staying with you/at your house. Tell her that you want to spend the little time you have with your DH and children as it won't be long before he's away again - surely she'd understand that?

CormoranStrike Thu 10-Jun-21 09:29:28

How about: “last time we found it stressful and invasive in to our precious family time, so we are having no guests at all this winter. Hope you find somewhere to camp up, enjoy your break.”

AssassinatedBeauty Thu 10-Jun-21 09:30:19

I would respond with something along the lines that you won't be having any visitors at all over the Christmas period, so it's a waste of her time to keep a month clear. I would say you aren't going to change your mind, so please stop contacting me about it. You are going to have to be fairly blunt here I think, to get your message across.

PenguinBarnotBird Thu 10-Jun-21 09:30:56

Get the other friend to tell her you’re not up to visitors?

PutTheCakeDOWN Thu 10-Jun-21 09:31:23

FuckyouCovid21

Tell them to check into a B&B or something and if you can you'll meet up with them for a day but they are definitely not staying with you/at your house. Tell her that you want to spend the little time you have with your DH and children as it won't be long before he's away again - surely she'd understand that?

I said that and she said that of course she can’t do that, as her partner isn’t coming and she can’t manage the twins on her own…(!)

I also said about spending time as a family and she said yeah we can all go out it’ll be fun! I’ll babysit your kids one night you can have a date night!

OP’s posts: |
30degreesandmeltinghere Thu 10-Jun-21 09:31:40

Send the the air B&B link. Say your home isn't up to having visitors anymore...

Advertisement

HazelBite Thu 10-Jun-21 09:33:26

Can you invite some other close friends or family at the same time so there is absolutely no room for them to migrate to the house.
Or say you are hosting air B& B guests and that they are welcome to come if they pay?
There is also the option of saying that you need space with your family as you have "issues" (be as vague as you want) to deal with and you do not need the pressure of visitors. Say your DH has insisted I'm sure he won't mind being "blamed"

PeterPomegranate Thu 10-Jun-21 09:33:27

You need to be very clear. She sounds pretty thick skinned.

PutTheCakeDOWN Thu 10-Jun-21 09:33:41

30degreesandmeltinghere

Send the the air B&B link. Say your home isn't up to having visitors anymore...

She also said when I said this that it’s fine as they’ll be in the van, they’ll only be in for the odd shower.
😭

OP’s posts: |
Taikoo Thu 10-Jun-21 09:35:51

You need to be a lot more firm.

VivaDixie Thu 10-Jun-21 09:35:52

Don't lie and say you aren't having any guests as lies always unravel.

I would have to be blunt and say no outright. She is being too forceful. Say that you have already said no and won't change your mind, as a pp said you may even have to say that you found last time too stressful.

No is a complete sentence. She is being extremely rude

PutTheCakeDOWN Thu 10-Jun-21 09:35:53

AssassinatedBeauty

I would respond with something along the lines that you won't be having any visitors at all over the Christmas period, so it's a waste of her time to keep a month clear. I would say you aren't going to change your mind, so please stop contacting me about it. You are going to have to be fairly blunt here I think, to get your message across.

I think I am aren’t I?

Trouble is I’ve already been fairly blunt. I’ll have to cross over to Actually Rude which I don’t like to do.
And then get the inevitable vague Facebook statuses about unsupportive friends etc

OP’s posts: |
PeterPomegranate Thu 10-Jun-21 09:36:06

Maybe say: “I’ve avoided being direct as I don’t want to appear rude but I need to be clear that we won’t be having guests over that month so please don’t keep the time free. If you’re staying elsewhere it would be nice to meet up one day but it isn’t possible for you to stay here.”

Motnight Thu 10-Jun-21 09:36:15

She's not getting the hint, Op. You are going to have to bite the bullet and say no straight out. Good luck 😬

spangleswereace Thu 10-Jun-21 09:37:03

Absolutely stick to your guns on this!!
Just repeat what you have said about the B&B and then I'd be tempted to just ignore any future messages tbh! Not something I'd normally do but I think this is the only way you'll get through to someone like this!
Do not let her encroach onto precious family time, especially at Christmas!

PeterPomegranate Thu 10-Jun-21 09:37:29

Or skip the bit about no guests because really it’s just about her isn’t it.

I honestly think based on what you’ve written here you’ve been very clear and she’s not that nice if she hasn’t gotten the message.

AssassinatedBeauty Thu 10-Jun-21 09:38:18

It sounds like she is keen on using you for extra childcare... I would go with repetition of the same message. Don't give her hope by suggesting Air BnB or anything like that. Just repeat that you're not having any visitors at all over Christmas so not to bother keeping her time free.

FuckyouCovid21 Thu 10-Jun-21 09:38:39

HazelBite

Can you invite some other close friends or family at the same time so there is absolutely no room for them to migrate to the house.
Or say you are hosting air B& B guests and that they are welcome to come if they pay?
There is also the option of saying that you need space with your family as you have "issues" (be as vague as you want) to deal with and you do not need the pressure of visitors. Say your DH has insisted I'm sure he won't mind being "blamed"

Or if you can't be honest, pretend you've invited family over

PutTheCakeDOWN Thu 10-Jun-21 09:39:57

PeterPomegranate

Maybe say: “I’ve avoided being direct as I don’t want to appear rude but I need to be clear that we won’t be having guests over that month so please don’t keep the time free. If you’re staying elsewhere it would be nice to meet up one day but it isn’t possible for you to stay here.”

This is brilliant thank you!!

But yes think I’ll have to change the bit about no guests….we will be having some family and a very old and dear friend is coming at some point. I just don’t want a pushy acquaintance and her whole family for 7 days.

OP’s posts: |
Justilou1 Thu 10-Jun-21 09:40:25

No.. My DH will be home. I don’t see him enough as it is. Our time is precious and we want the place to ourselves.

Cheeseandlobster Thu 10-Jun-21 09:40:36

HazelBite

Can you invite some other close friends or family at the same time so there is absolutely no room for them to migrate to the house.
Or say you are hosting air B& B guests and that they are welcome to come if they pay?
There is also the option of saying that you need space with your family as you have "issues" (be as vague as you want) to deal with and you do not need the pressure of visitors. Say your DH has insisted I'm sure he won't mind being "blamed"

No and no. Why should she have to invite others or make out they are troubled in some way.

Op I think with someone like this you are just going to have to be blunt but polite. Just say that unfortunately you have decided that you won't be having visitors at all that month and that it is not going to be possible at all. Explain that last time it wasn't the odd shower and that you won't be able to accommodate them. She isn't a close friend so if she gets the arse on then it's hopefully no big deal.

FuckyouCovid21 Thu 10-Jun-21 09:40:45

How much do you see/speak to her during the year?

AssassinatedBeauty Thu 10-Jun-21 09:40:57

Yep, I think you may have to be blunt to the point of being actually rude. But she is the one being socially awkward here by ignoring your clear signals and pushing for what she wants above what you want. If Facebook/social media bothers you, then most platforms will allow you to mute her or not show you updates from her.

summersolstice43 Thu 10-Jun-21 09:42:05

She sounds crazy. She wont be imposing but she cant manage the twins on her own? She's totally going to ruin your week.

You need to stand your ground and make it clear she cannot stay as you have plans with your own family. Good luck.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in