How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

@FantasticButtocks

How about

I'm sorry I haven't been clear, but I do need to be. During that month/time we are looking forward to some very preciously guarded time off together. For that reason we are not wanting other people here! So I need to say no to your request. Letting you know in advance so you can make other plans.

Like this 👍 thanks

[Librariesmakeshhhhappen]

Look, she knows that she is being rude. She knows that you dont want her to stay. She is choosing to ignore what you obviously feel because she wants what she wants, and she has also decided that your family will be helping her look after her kids. She knows this isnt OK but she doesnt care.

Why should you care about being blunt and rude back?

It's the only way. She gets away with this sort of stuff because people are too polite. You need to be very direct and blunt. A very clear "we do not want to host visitors. This is our only time together as a family and we are not interested in hosting an acquaintance and her kids. You need to find somewhere else to stay as you cannot stay here and this wont change so stop asking. I'm sorry to be rude, but I've tried to be tactful and polite and you've ignored it so I'm being firm now. The answer is no."

If you're worried about facebook, post first! About friends using you for your location even when they know you have very little time with your husband and you've told them politely that they cannot stay and you're fed up of them refusing to leave you alone. (I dont use Facebook so not really sure if that's the sort of thing you're meant to do!).

[Whinginadeville]

I'd be really honest send her a message saying whilst I'd love to spend a day with you your last visit was just far too much. We have agreed on no overnight visitors with no exceptions. I'm sure you understand and please don't ask again.

[Guavafish]

Just tell her you only want to spend the holidays with your husband and kids. You don’t see them much and you want the family peace. Say your sorry you but not this year.

[MizMoonshine]

You need to be firm.

"Hi Cheeky fucker,

I've considered your request to join us at our home this coming Christmas.

Our Christmas holiday as a family is very important to us. It's quality time that we value highly for just us. Unfortunately the last time you came along I found that this negatively impacted our time.

Your van being to cold to house you effectively meant you spent more time in our home than we were comfortable with. Our Nanny was stretched by the addition of extra children and in general the whole experience was less relaxing than we had hoped it would be.

If you find alternative accommodation, we would be happy to meet with you for a day but beyond that would like to keep our holiday and yours entirely separate.

Kind regards

Gofuckyourself"

[cleanasawhistle]

People like this never take the hint.
If you say you are busy those few weeks she will say ok we will come a few weeks later.

Just say sorry but I found it really stressful last time you visited.
I am not really used to having all those extra kids hanging about so we have decided that will be no more visits.

[TellingBone]

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Oh, it absolutely does.

As everyone has said, this needs to be unequivocal. I wouldn't use excuses nor tell her the real reason. CFs will find a way around a reason if you give one.

"Hi CF. I'm afraid we can't accommodate you. Let's meet up if you're in the area though. kthxbai"

[Zzelda]

@FantasticButtocks

How about

I'm sorry I haven't been clear, but I do need to be. During that month/time we are looking forward to some very preciously guarded time off together. For that reason we are not wanting other people here! So I need to say no to your request. Letting you know in advance so you can make other plans.

The problem with that is that she'll take it as the green light to come later.

[ImaginaryCat]

When she said she couldn't stay in the B&B without her DH to help with the kids, did you ask "well what's different with you staying here? Are you expecting someone else to step in and help you?"
That would have been the text equivalent of a Paddington Bear cold hard stare!

[MsPavlichenko]

It’s not rude to say No. It is rude to keep pushing as she has. You will need to be absolutely clear, blunt and offer no explanations that she can work around.

“ It won’t be possible for you to stay again. “ If she gets back “ No “ Then block her as you would any other person harassing/stalking you.

[ElderMillennial]

You've said no and she's asking why not?! Does she have zero social skills or just not care?

Tbh I would be tempted to reply to that saying

I wasn't going to say but, to be honest, last time you stayed was quite hard work for us and so I was not planning to repeat the experience.

[CharityDingle]

@Librariesmakeshhhhappen

Look, she knows that she is being rude. She knows that you dont want her to stay. She is choosing to ignore what you obviously feel because she wants what she wants, and she has also decided that your family will be helping her look after her kids. She knows this isnt OK but she doesnt care.

Why should you care about being blunt and rude back?

It's the only way. She gets away with this sort of stuff because people are too polite. You need to be very direct and blunt. A very clear "we do not want to host visitors. This is our only time together as a family and we are not interested in hosting an acquaintance and her kids. You need to find somewhere else to stay as you cannot stay here and this wont change so stop asking. I'm sorry to be rude, but I've tried to be tactful and polite and you've ignored it so I'm being firm now. The answer is no."

If you're worried about facebook, post first! About friends using you for your location even when they know you have very little time with your husband and you've told them politely that they cannot stay and you're fed up of them refusing to leave you alone. (I dont use Facebook so not really sure if that's the sort of thing you're meant to do!).

This was pretty much what I was about to post. People get away with selfish, entitled behaviour because others allow them to. I wouldn't be getting into any detail, about precious time off or anything else. Just, no, we are not having anyone to stay.

If any nonsense starts on Facebook, block it so that you can't see it. And don't forget that others most likely know exactly what she is like anyway.

[Ghostontoast1]

Don’t say “not this year” as it implies next year will be ok to ask again.

[Whinginadeville]

You really need to state clearly that her previous visit was unpleasant or you're just delaying

[SengaMac]

I think you’re going to have to be blunt and say they can’t stay at yours because it’s precious family time for you all and last time she visited, they did end up imposing themselves on you so you’re afraid that will happen again. You may lose a ‘friend’ but she sounds like a CF anyway so I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

Absolutely this.
Stick to facts she can't get round - they did end up imposing on you however much she may not have intended it. I know she did intend it
So you are not prepared to chance it again, at Xmas or in Feb or ever.

[duckegg1]

@PeterPomegranate

Maybe say: “I’ve avoided being direct as I don’t want to appear rude but I need to be clear that we won’t be having guests over that month so please don’t keep the time free. If you’re staying elsewhere it would be nice to meet up one day but it isn’t possible for you to stay here.”

This is still my favourite, but maybe leave out the this month part, as you'll say, she'll want to come again.

Maybe add 'it's not personal'


But love the 'I've avoided being direct as I didn't want to come across as rude, BUT'

No excuses or lies, it's not necessary. Your house, you decide who's there, you don't need an excuse.

[FantasticButtocks]

@PutTheCakeDOWN

Hello, Sorry, it doesn’t work for us. X

‘Why not love?’

🙈

Because we've already tried it!

[Bellringer]

Which part of no did she not understand? You need to be clear, it's not rude it's assertive. Don't worry what she thinks, she's not worried about you

[lemmein]

I'd just block her; she's not even given the 'friend' status in your OP 🤷🏻‍♀️ I honestly wouldn't waste any time at all trying to be nice, she isn't!

[BettyUnderswoob]

OP, there have been 2 or 3 carefully worded but firm possible responses suggested on here that you've said are good. Please just take deep breath and go ahead and send one of them. You have to be firm and unambiguous with this CF.

If she gets back with a "why" then you just have say "sorry, it's a no" and repeat as necessary. No explanations or excuses.

If all else fails, then I personally so no problem with "Fuck off" myself.

[FantasticButtocks]

@Notaroadrunner

Just say "It doesn't suit us to have you come and stay with us again. There are plenty of B&B's/campsites in the area which you can find online".

By saying 'again' it's making it clear that it's not just for Christmas. If she dares ask why, just say, 'as I said, it doesn't suit us' and just don't engage in any more chat about it. She'd want to be one desperate cf to keep pushing so you may need to ignore messages for a while. If she asks for recommendations for b&b's tell her to check tripadvisor. Do not put any work on yourself by researching or making bookings for her. And don't bother offering to meet up, or have them over for dinner if they do stay in the area. She'll probably find someway of pushing her way back to stay in your house.

Actually I agree with this!

@Zzelda yes you're right, my suggested response leaves too many opportunities for loopholes and further requests!

Mm... it needs to be unequivocal so she never asks again!

[SengaMac]

I said that and she said that of course she can’t do that, as her partner isn’t coming and she can’t manage the twins on her own…(!)

Her saying that shows she totally does mean to impose on you.

That alone is reason to refuse her.

** Consider what sort of employer your nanny will think you are if you dump these kids on her again.
The consequences of upsetting the nanny are likely to be worse than those of upsetting the CF.

[HyacynthBucket]

You don't need to make excuses or explain anything. She is not even a friend, just an acquaintance. Just tell her that you do not want her to visit. I would forget about the B&B stuff too - its not your problem where she stays, and that would signal that you are taking her problems on. If you are not keen on her, I would not even suggest meeting up. Being upfront ad direct has to be the best way, now OP.

[FatCatThinCat]

@PutTheCakeDOWN

Hello, Sorry, it doesn’t work for us. X

‘Why not love?’

🙈

Because I said so.

[fashionablefennel]

But yes think I’ll have to change the bit about no guests….we will be having some family and a very old and dear friend is coming at some point. I just don’t want a pushy acquaintance and her whole family for 7 days.

You don't have to change anything! It's completely irrelevant if you CHOOSE to have friends, or even open a B&B. You don't want HER, and rightly so.

The message about no guest is absolutely fine. Saying NO is fine!