How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

@FuckyouCovid21

How much do you see/speak to her during the year?

We work in the same field which is how we were introduced. I will come across her and we have many mutual friends.

I absolutely hate drama of any kind, or falling out with people, but I can’t see a way forward that doesn’t end in me either a) hosting her family holiday at Christmas, or b) having a huge and dramatic fallout played out over social media (by her not me!)

Why do people do this!? She can’t realise how unreasonable it is, surely!?

[justanotherneighinparadise]

These people have the hide of a rhino. You have to be very direct to make sure she understands. Ambiguity just looks like weakness.

You need to say something along the lines of....
I’m afraid the last time you visited we didn’t enjoy the experience. We felt our privacy wax invaded and our Nanny was overburdened with children. We would be delighted to see you if you ever stay locally in a B&B or hotel. But we do not have the time or space to host you.

Yes it’s curt, and I’m sure that a normal person would feel hurt. For a CF though it’s clear and on point. The answer is no.

[Eyesofdisarray]

She can't be 'determined to come' if you won't have her!!!!!
You will have to be blunt as people like this don't understand any other approach.
They have no compunction.
I feel for you Op, I really do as I'm a bit like you, but you can't have this spoiling your Christmas and stressing you in the meantime.
What have you got to lose- if she's an acquaintance rather than a friend??
Sounds beautiful where you are- can I join you?????? (no campervan)
😄😄

[Rainbowqueeen]

Just say “we are not able to host visitors at any time over December and January. Good luck making other arrangements. If you do find somewhere close by let me know and perhaps we can catch up for a meal”
If she asks why just say, it doesn’t work for us. Then repeat that no matter what she comes up with
She can still have a lovely holiday somewhere else and you can have the family time you deserve

[Berthatydfil]

Yes you need to be direct. Why worry about being rude - as she is rude not taking no for an answer.

Respond to her
I need to be blunt here. We are not having visitors at all except for our families. It is our family time which is precious to us. We cannot accommodate your request at all. I realise this is disappointing for you but I have to be firm and insist so please don’t ask again.

Block her on Facebook and ignore.

[notapizzaeater]

That's the whole point of CF they either don't realise how cheeky they are or don't care and rely on the British manners and get away with it !

[Gottalovesummer]

You need to tell her now so you don't stress and worry about it. She may be nice but she sounds like someone who doesn't take a hint.

Send a very clear, short message.

Hi X. Just to let you know that we're having family time this xmas and not having any visitors.

Keep it short and clear so she can't misunderstand you.

Good luck and enjoy your family xmas.

[Rangoon]

Just tell her that she and her family were complete nightmares when they stayed and she is not welcome. There is no coming back from that. Block her on all devices. There is no reason for you to worry about being polite when she is so rude and pushy.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

I think a lot of these CFers are just narcissists and will be the same across their whole lives. People are there as merely a step to stand on or a door to open. They facilitate the narcissist in some way or they are worthless. You are worth something as you live in a location the narcissist wants to visit (for free). If you lived somewhere shit you wouldn’t be hearing from this person at all.

[tenlittlecygnets]

She's not nice. She's rude, selfish, un-self-aware, and focused on what she wants. I can't believe that people are so enrolled. You're going to have to be blunt to the point of rudeness yourself.

[Gullible2021]

You've only known her 2.5 years, she's not local, you describe her firstly as an accquaintance... how much of a friend is she really? Do you actually like her and want her in your life?

No is a complete sentence.

"I have tried to make it clear that I do not want guests over this period of time. I want to spend it with my family only. Please stop pushing. If and when we want guests we will invite them. You will have to make alternative arrangements as what you are proposing doesn't work for us."

If she continues to push or wants to know why then you will have to be honest.

"While it's flattering to hear you had such a good time when you visited, unfortunately we didn't enjoy the experience and found it intrusive and a bit of a stressful nightmare to be honest. I've tried to nicely suggest you make alternative arrangements without being this blunt but the reality is, we don't want you to come and stay here again."

[Sparklfairy]

I said that and she said that of course she can’t do that, as her partner isn’t coming and she can’t manage the twins on her own…(!)

But I thought she said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there?

Maybe point out that contradiction to her

Do you even like/are you even really friends with this woman? I'd be tempted to just burn the bridge tbh. 'We have other plans for Xmas so no, you can't come. You'll need to make other arrangements.'

If she continues, 'I won't change my mind, drop it.'

And finally, (even though you said it doesn't work in real life) 'Fuck. Off'. If you say that at least she won't contact you again

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

@Gottalovesummer

You need to tell her now so you don't stress and worry about it. She may be nice but she sounds like someone who doesn't take a hint.

Send a very clear, short message.

Hi X. Just to let you know that we're having family time this xmas and not having any visitors.

Keep it short and clear so she can't misunderstand you.

Good luck and enjoy your family xmas.

I know that if I say this she will just say ‘no problem I’ll come in feb.’

[Whyhello]

I think you’re going to have to be blunt and say they can’t stay at yours because it’s precious family time for you all and last time she visited, they did end up imposing themselves on you so you’re afraid that will happen again. You may lose a ‘friend’ but she sounds like a CF anyway so I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

@Rangoon

Just tell her that she and her family were complete nightmares when they stayed and she is not welcome. There is no coming back from that. Block her on all devices. There is no reason for you to worry about being polite when she is so rude and pushy.

I so wish I had the nerve to do this! But I worry to much that it would really hurt her. Which I know is daft given the circumstances..!

[FeatheredHope]

She's not nice. She's rude, selfish, un-self-aware, and focused on what she wants. I can't believe that people are so enrolled. You're going to have to be blunt to the point of rudeness yourself

Totally this. She’s not nice. She’s a selfish cheeky fucker.

[Babdoc]

OP, stop worrying about being rude. She has no such inhibitions - she has already been pushy well beyond the point of rudeness, and is not taking No for an answer.
You didn’t start this, but you need to end it.
Your reply needs to be blunt and to brook no argument.
“Dear CF, I have tried to be diplomatic in previous replies, but you don’t seem to be getting the message. We will NOT be available for visits at any time this winter.”
If she takes the huff, so much the better, you are well shot of her.

[HermioneKipper]

Cheeky mare! Echoing everyone else, you’re going to need to be blunt as she clearly has the hide of a rhino and pussyfooting around will get you nowhere. These people are enraging. No idea how they can be so brassnecked!

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

If you lived somewhere shit you wouldn’t be hearing from this person at all.

This is absolutely 100% true, I am sure.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Can I just say thank you so much. I am going through a bit of a stressful time at the moment and doubting myself a lot.
It’s nice to see that I’m not alone in thinking that this is not on.

I almost feel guilty, how daft is that!?

[Poshjock]

Trouble is I’ve already been fairly blunt. I’ll have to cross over to Actually Rude which I don’t like to do.
And then get the inevitable vague Facebook statuses about unsupportive friends etc

If she’s the type that will do all the PA stuff on FB then she is no friend and you are better off without her in your life. Then you won’t have to worry about it ever again.

BTW I love Aviemore & Kingussie, I holiday there often. I’m missing TITG and can’t wait for normality to return.

[MagentaRocks]

Anyone reasonable would not keep pushing it like she is. If you are not bothered about holding onto a friendship, which it sounds like you are not then just tell her it isn’t convenient for personal reasons for you to have visitors for the foreseeable and that you will let her know if that changes. If she still pushes, asking for reasons, just say it is not something you are comfortable discussing and that you will not be discussing her visiting any further.

[DPotter]

This is a 'slight acquaintance'.

She's being very rude and incredibly pushy. For heaven's sake it's barely the middle of June and she's pushing for a holiday at yours at Christmas. With people like this, you have to be absolutely in-your-face blunt for them to get the message. They will push and push and push and push again if they detect even the slightest whiff of weakness. Bet she only keeps in contact with you as she wants the holiday. Do you even want to keep the acquaintance going?

Take a deep breath and email / text her if you don't trust yourself to speak.

Hi xxxx
regarding Christmas - this is a firm no.
Don't ask again

Note I haven't suggested saying sorry or please, just NO. If she comes back pleading - don't respond. Cut her off. If you don't you'll have the next 6 months of her whinging and whining on. So what if she post PA stuff on FB - block her / unfollow, whatever. Do it now before she ruins the summer as well as Christmas

[FeatheredHope]

In all seriousness, she’s a “mild acquaintance” who has already caused you hell and only wants to use you for your house. At this point I think you need to stop worrying about “being rude”. You need to be blunt and firm. And then if she’s an arse on social media, just block.

[Legoninjago1]

Ugh I feel so pissed off on your behalf! Your 'actually rude' is not in fact rude at all and is likely the only think she'll understand. No sorry, we don't want any visitors. Worst thing that can happen? You never hear from her again. Result. Better still, block her number. She is nothing to you.