How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

"For private, personal reasons it will not be possible to have your family to visit. I am not in a position to explain further."

Hello, Sorry, it doesn’t work for us. X

‘Why not love?’

🙈

Don't worry about offending her either! You'll be well shut of her.

I'll tell her if you want! So cheeky. You have nothing to feel guilty about and should be looking forward to spending peaceful time with people you actually like. Or you could move 😀

Why not love?

Because we don't want you to come and visit.

*Why not love?"

Because you are annoying. I won't respond any more. Goodbye. If you arrive on my property, I will call the police.

And no, don't point her to AirB&B or blah blah blah. She's an adult and can figure that out for herself. She wants to use you for free. Because you let her.

@FortunesFave

Why not love?

Because we don't want you to come and visit.

*Why not love?"

Because you are annoying. I won't respond any more. Goodbye. If you arrive on my property, I will call the police.

😂😂😂😂

@Justilou1

Tell her you’re renovating starting in November/December and won’t have facilities for visitors until the project’s finished. Could be quite some time as you’re doing the work when DH is back on shore.

Don't lie ?!? Why is this a good idea.... it will unravel and you have perfectly good enough reason to tell the truth to a CF. Lying puts you in the wrong too and you are currently entirely in the right.

Polite but firm (you have been - but now no wiggle room). Examples above are good.

If she moans or goes passive on fb - block and ignore. Anyone who wants to hear what happened will realise how rude she has been. She's no friend to you, she's a user. As pp said, if you lived somewhere boring she would be long gone.

“Hi, thanks for thinking of us in your holiday plans but for various reasons that doesn’t work for us. It’s not personal. Hope all else is well with you, etc”

Hello, Sorry, it doesn’t work for us. X

‘Why not love?’

It’s complicated.

@PutTheCakeDOWN

Hello, Sorry, it doesn’t work for us. X

‘Why not love?’

🙈

"It just doesn't. It didn't last time you visited, either."

She doesn't care, OP, so why are you?

'Why not, love?'

'Because we're not having you as guests again. Ever. Your not taking NO for an answer because you're a bullying pisstaker. You're not welcome here. Goodbye!' and then block her.

It didn't work the last time ...

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Why are you dancing round this person who isn't even a friend and to whom you owe nothing? She doesn't give a fuck about you, just about herself and what she can get. Grow a spine! Fuck 'Sorry, but' or wishy washy bollocks, they roll right off a pisstaker's back.

'We are not free for you to stay with us again and won't have it.'

This!!

Not keen on the “for a variety of reasons” either. You owe her no reason. Just say -

It’s not convenient for us to be hosting you.

(Add “at that time” if you do still want to see this person again)

Give her as little hanging rope as possible. Take ownership of your NO!

I would just politely be a broken record - send short breezy texts back along the lines of:

"Sorry, it won't be possible this year. Hope you have a lovely weekend!"
"Loving the sunny weather just now! No can do on the visit I'm afraid, we aren't having visitors this Christmas."
"A visit this Christmas won't work for us I'm afraid. Hope you're all well!"
etc etc.

Don't get too long winded with reasons, just basically say it won't work for you as she will just come up with solutions if you give reasons.

She is being a total CF though! You have no reason at all to feel guilty!

Dont worry about offending. Just be very clear

“Hi X, this year doesn’t work for us due to prior family commitments so please don’t keep your month free as there isn’t a suitable time to visit. Hope you find something lovely to do”

What a CF!

Even if she was your best friend this would be too pushy. For a work acquaintance to do this is ridiculous. Have you ever stayed at hers?

@PutTheCakeDOWN

Hello, Sorry, it doesn’t work for us. X

‘Why not love?’

🙈

Possible responses:

I've said it doesn't work, why the interrogation?
It's personal.
Look, I'm just trying to say no politely. The answer is no, you are not coming to stay.

@Smallredclip

“Hi, thanks for thinking of us in your holiday plans but for various reasons that doesn’t work for us. It’s not personal. Hope all else is well with you, etc”

This is a good one for me not wanting to be too rude. It’s still definite though isn’t it??

@Justilou1

Tell her you’re renovating starting in November/December and won’t have facilities for visitors until the project’s finished. Could be quite some time as you’re doing the work when DH is back on shore.

She'll take that as an invitation to come and view the renovations when they're done.

@PutTheCakeDOWN

Hello, Sorry, it doesn’t work for us. X

‘Why not love?’

🙈

Don't reply. Ignore. If you keep engaging she will keep pushing. You've said no.

@PutTheCakeDOWN

Op I think I would spell it out. "Dear X, please don't take this personally but for a variety of family and work related reasons, you and your family coming to stay with us in your campervan this Christmas isn't convenient for us. Please find somewhere else to stay".

Ooh that’s a good one thanks!

This is perfect bar ‘this Christmas’. It’s not convenient ever though saying that is awks.

Just say "It doesn't suit us to have you come and stay with us again. There are plenty of B&B's/campsites in the area which you can find online".

By saying 'again' it's making it clear that it's not just for Christmas. If she dares ask why, just say, 'as I said, it doesn't suit us' and just don't engage in any more chat about it. She'd want to be one desperate cf to keep pushing so you may need to ignore messages for a while. If she asks for recommendations for b&b's tell her to check tripadvisor. Do not put any work on yourself by researching or making bookings for her. And don't bother offering to meet up, or have them over for dinner if they do stay in the area. She'll probably find someway of pushing her way back to stay in your house.

@TenThousandSpoons

Even if she was your best friend this would be too pushy. For a work acquaintance to do this is ridiculous. Have you ever stayed at hers?

No of course not! I wouldn’t dream of crossing the country with my three small children to impose on another person like that - I really don’t understand her at all!?

How about

I'm sorry I haven't been clear, but I do need to be. During that month/time we are looking forward to some very preciously guarded time off together. For that reason we are not wanting other people here! So I need to say no to your request. Letting you know in advance so you can make other plans.