How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

Given your comment about February - I would amend my suggestion to

Hi xxxx

regarding staying with us - it's a form No

Don't ask again

Oh Lord I absolutely loathe people who are presumptuous and who can't take a hint! Or who won't accept a first refusal. As you say op, it then forces you in to a position of being very direct and rude which you don't want to be.

I am in a similar (but different situation) currently with a neighbour who is very kind but keeps dropping around without warning two or three or four times a day. Saying I was busy wfh doesn't work and now I am having to think up a different strategy. It's so annoying!

Op I think I would spell it out. "Dear X, please don't take this personally but for a variety of family and work related reasons, you and your family coming to stay with us in your campervan this Christmas isn't convenient for us. Please find somewhere else to stay".

If she’s oblivious to hints you will have to say that you just don’t want visitors at the moment or for the foreseeable future.

Tell her you’re renovating starting in November/December and won’t have facilities for visitors until the project’s finished. Could be quite some time as you’re doing the work when DH is back on shore.

I think looking at how persistent she is, I wouldn't be mentioning her booking into somewhere else - she might do this but still turn up at yours everyday. @Stanleysaysyes message is good but I'd miss out the 'this Christmas' bit and leave it as "....coming stay with us in your campervan isn't convenient for us....".

I would change the at Christmas part to this winter or she will just invite herself later

Another fan of 'NO' is a complete sentence.

Don't make excuses as she'll just work her way around them.

Tell her "It will not be happening again as it doesn't work for us. If you want to visit please book yourself into a B&B."

@PeterPomegranate's message is fine. If she then starts angling for February, you will have to resort to a straight "No, that won't be possible in February or any other time". Don't get into excuses, as you've already discovered she sees excuses as a reason to assume she could come if she can just get around them.

Just say "NO that doesn't work for us & we are not having you stay again as it really didn't work for us last time"

Why beat around around the bush with CFs

Point her to AirBnB or similar if you really feel the need, but waste no more headspace worrying about it

or as Stanleysaysyes says...

"Dear X, please don't take this personally but for a variety of family and work related reasons, you and your family coming to stay with us in your campervan this Christmas isn't convenient for us. Please find somewhere else to stay".

Bless you. How awful! If she keeps suggesting other dates just keep saying they don’t work for you either. You don’t have to give reasons.

I find people like this mystifying. I’m widowed and friends help out with childcare sometimes - I bend over backwards to return the favour/reciprocate in some way and wouldn’t dream of imposing on someone. Sounds like you are similar, and it can make us fair game.

Hello, Sorry, it doesn’t work for us. X

And repeat.

You need to put her straight now OP.

If you don't, she will expect to do this EVERY year.

Op I think I would spell it out. "Dear X, please don't take this personally but for a variety of family and work related reasons, you and your family coming to stay with us in your campervan this Christmas isn't convenient for us. Please find somewhere else to stay".

Ooh that’s a good one thanks!

I agree with all of the suggestions above and if you do get the passive aggressive messages on social media about unsupportive friends, be ready with matching messages about friends who don't know how to take a hint.

I'd go with "We are not having any guests to stay. We are not putting anyone up or providing shower facilities due to Covid, so a visit to us will not be possible" (I'd even stick with that in December when we're hopefully out of all lockdowns but herd immunity may not yet be at an acceptable level).

She clearly has no issues being rude or foisting herself and her children on you so time to match that with your own level of firmness in reply.

@Justilou1

Tell her you’re renovating starting in November/December and won’t have facilities for visitors until the project’s finished. Could be quite some time as you’re doing the work when DH is back on shore.

‘Don’t worry love we’ll just be parked on the drive!!’

🙄🙈

"Sorry, DH is home that month and we have committed to spending time as a family - can't do any hosting - maybe meet for a drink if you are in the area?"

This person does not see you as a friend. They see you as a cheap holiday home. Politely ignore them.

Like I said, if you stay somewhere nearby and want to meet for drinks or a dinner, let us know, but I'm not inviting you to stay as we want some precious family time.

Just spell it out! She’s clearly forceful - be forceful back.

I have a friend like this and her demanding way has just taught me to be ultra clear in my boundaries. It’s not a way I’m used to, but it’s the only thing she hears!

Don’t worry about offending, I think people like this are hard-skinned!

Don't get into excuses, as you've already discovered she sees excuses as a reason to assume she could come if she can just get around them.

Yes this is exactly how she seems to see it. Really good point, thanks.

Just be blunt. All this nonsense about B&Bs! Say "I want you to know that your coming to stay at all is not convenient. Not in your van, not for a weekend, not at all. We do not want any visitors at all. I'm sure you'll find somewhere else to go."

Don't piss about! "Determined to come" indeed!

@PutTheCakeDOWN

Op I think I would spell it out. "Dear X, please don't take this personally but for a variety of family and work related reasons, you and your family coming to stay with us in your campervan this Christmas isn't convenient for us. Please find somewhere else to stay".

Ooh that’s a good one thanks!

That's a good message....but take out the Christmas part.

Dear X, please don't take this personally but for a variety of family and work related reasons, you and your family coming to stay with us in your campervan isn't convenient for us. Please find somewhere else to stay".

Otherwise, like you said, she'll come up with other times. Make the statement closed, so you don't give her any option to get another request in.

Why are you dancing round this person who isn't even a friend and to whom you owe nothing? She doesn't give a fuck about you, just about herself and what she can get. Grow a spine! Fuck 'Sorry, but' or wishy washy bollocks, they roll right off a pisstaker's back.

'We are not free for you to stay with us again and won't have it.'