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Original poster

How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

733 replies

PutTheCakeDOWN · 10/06/2021 09:26

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

OP posts:
IMNOTSHOUTING · 10/06/2021 10:47

I'm sorry I haven't been clear, but I do need to be. During that month/time we are looking forward to some very preciously guarded time off together. For that reason we are not wanting other people here! So I need to say no to your request. Letting you know in advance so you can make other plans.

Something like this is good but I might go even more firm. She's clearly a massively cheeky mare. I would never dream of prevailing upon someone I'm not even that close to then being so insistent even after you've made it pretty clear she's not welcome.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 10/06/2021 10:47

Send an air bnb for somewhere close-like Cornwall. Cf indeed.

4bagpuss · 10/06/2021 10:47

If you’re trying to remain very polite you could always say, “Sorry CF you won’t believe the amount of times we get asked by people if they could stay, therefore me and DH have agreed we’re not accommodating any overnight visitors apart from family going forwards’.

Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger · 10/06/2021 10:47

Very clear and very to the point is the only way.

Hi Suzie,

Unfortunately we are not able to accommodate you for a holiday this year.

I hope something else comes up for you.

Speak soon

Cake.

No explanation needed. Just say No! And wish her well.

CharityDingle · 10/06/2021 10:48

And don't say 'I'm sorry' in any way, shape or form.
To someone like that, that's a green light to keep pushing for what they want.

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 10:48

why can you not just say Fuck off?

NormaSnorks · 10/06/2021 10:48

Or you could go for the Phoebe from Friends approach:

"I'd like to invite you to come and stay, but I don't want to . . ."

IMNOTSHOUTING · 10/06/2021 10:51

Come to think of it I might not even offer any explanation at all. We've discussed it and we're not going to say no to your request to visit us over Christmas. Just letting you know in advance so you have a chance to make other plans. Hope you enjoy whatever you end up doing.

ViaRia · 10/06/2021 10:51

I agree with pp - you’ll need to be direct but you don’t even need to explain your reasons to her if you don’t want to. Others have given suggestions about exactly what you could say so I won’t try to add anything there.

I would just say, you have every right to plan your own time and house-guests. Try not to be concerned about how your response may impact on the other person. She is either quite rude or quite stupid - in either case it is not your fault and not for you to worry about.
Don’t distract yourself thinking about ‘how could she have done that?’ - just say no, and enjoy your family time.
If she continues to hold those dates and you never firm up arrangements with her, that’s her problem. Even if she turns up at your doorstep with two kids and her suitcase, it is still not your problem. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 10/06/2021 10:51

sorry should say 'we're going to say no to your request'

Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger · 10/06/2021 10:51

Also ignore any wingy or pushy messages after saying No. Don't engage the conversation any further.

If she just turns up (I do think this is very unlikely) you will have to go full hog crazy at her and demand she leaves! But I don't see her being that stupid.

JSL52 · 10/06/2021 10:52

We have this as we are in a holiday place.
We just say 'we're not having any visitors this month'
It's awkward though 😬

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 10/06/2021 10:53

Stop trying to second guess her replies. No means no.

She's the rude one I disputing she's coming to stay.

Just say no. Don't overthink this!

JSL52 · 10/06/2021 10:54

Also , take her off social media

lemmein · 10/06/2021 10:54

Dealing with people like this needs to be like how you'd deal with a toddler. No wishy-washy, vague responses - no negotiating, just a firm no in your best mammy voice!

CFs like this just boggle my brain, they're like another species.

Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger · 10/06/2021 10:54

@IMNOTSHOUTING

Come to think of it I might not even offer any explanation at all. We've discussed it and we're not going to say no to your request to visit us over Christmas. Just letting you know in advance so you have a chance to make other plans. Hope you enjoy whatever you end up doing.
Don't send that... You're saying she CAN come! "we're not going to say no to your request"!! That means you're saying Yes 😂
ElderMillennial · 10/06/2021 10:54

Was the "why not Hun?" an actual message from her or were you speculating?

IMNOTSHOUTING · 10/06/2021 10:55

If she replied back just say 'it doesn't work for us, I'm sure you'll find something else to do or enjoy a holiday at home'.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 10/06/2021 10:55

@Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger I know I corrected it just afterwards.

Newcastleteacake · 10/06/2021 10:56

Don't worry about the potential Facebook rants. Guaranteed you are not the only one she has taken advantage of. If she rants you rebutt. And there will be a flood of support in your favour from all the others that are tired of her CF behaviour.

Just say NO. It's a complete sentence and you owe her nothing.

Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger · 10/06/2021 10:57

[quote IMNOTSHOUTING]@Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger I know I corrected it just afterwards.[/quote]
Oh Sorry, I didn't see that! I suddenly panicked for OP and thought oooohhhhh shhiiiit 😂

AryaStarkWolf · 10/06/2021 10:57

@4bagpuss

If you’re trying to remain very polite you could always say, “Sorry CF you won’t believe the amount of times we get asked by people if they could stay, therefore me and DH have agreed we’re not accommodating any overnight visitors apart from family going forwards’.
Yeah, that's probably the most polite way to deal with her but it sounds like she's so cheeky she'd keep badgering the OP unless she's gets much more firm about it. She could always try that first and if she persists just keep just answering with "No" . The only thing I'd change with your message is I would remove the "sorry" CF's see that as a sign of weakness Grin
SarahBellam · 10/06/2021 10:59

She’s using you for a cheap holiday. She has absolutely no interest in you or your family. You are perfectly entitled to just say, ‘No, we are not going to host you’. Don’t give excuses because she will find a way round them.

Cravey · 10/06/2021 11:00

@PutTheCakeDOWN

Can I just say thank you so much. I am going through a bit of a stressful time at the moment and doubting myself a lot. It’s nice to see that I’m not alone in thinking that this is not on.

I almost feel guilty, how daft is that!?

Get that guilt totally. We have the summer influx as we live in a holiday resort. No no and no. Keep repeating that. I've stopped giving excuses now, I simply say no sorry that doesn't work for us. And keep on saying. It's almost as if some people think it's a given right to come stay. Nope. It's hard though, will get easier the more you say it x
AmyDudley · 10/06/2021 11:00

'God you're a pushy twat aren't you? I've said 'no'. Get in your poxy campervan and fuck off' - not diplomatic enough ?