I have no friends

(251 Posts)
tulalulah Sun 14-Jun-20 16:50:02

Just that really. I have realised during lockdown I have no-one to talk to.
My old friends have either lost contact with me or don't seem to want to know (I always reach out to them and they don't seem interested in maintaining a friendship).
I don't know if it's me. I used to have friends but none of them seemed interested in maintaining the friendship (after eg university) when it was no longer convenient.
I don't know why I'm posting this really, I'm feeling pretty low about it right now.

OP’s posts: |
OfTheNight Sun 14-Jun-20 17:02:32

I don’t have many friends. I have 2 but I know I see them as my best friends whereas I’m just a friend to them, iyswim. They’re lovely but they have many other, closer friends than me.

It’s sad. I don’t really know why I’m so unliked. Family and DP say I’m nice and quite funny. I try to be as nice as I know how to be with people, but I’m always on the edge of stuff. I guess I’m just not many people’s cup of tea. I wish I was. I often day dream about having really good friends to meet up with or chat on the phone to. I don’t have great self esteem so I wonder if that’s part of it.

shadypines Sun 14-Jun-20 17:07:28

Sorry to hear you are feeling low tulalulah the Lockdown we're going through will obviously make a situation like this worse.

Blaming yourself doesn't do any good, it could often just be that people's lives go in different directions. Do you have any family members you can reach out to?

Are you in a position (in normal times, no virus!) to go out and meet people or do you have restrictions? Do you have any hobbies? Again a good way to meet people. There are all sorts of virtual quizes and virtual pubs going on right now, does this appeal?

It might be worth looking online at the groups that are established to help with loneliness. I hope this helps, they'll be wiser posters than me along I'm sure to suggest other things. flowers

Doingtheboxerbeat Sun 14-Jun-20 17:09:16

Oh me too and the sad truth is I used to be so popular. With me I think I am less inclined to "let things go" now that I am older and I think it is making me unlikeable.
I really want to change back to the way I was sad.

EmotionalFlood Sun 14-Jun-20 17:19:54

Same boat. Over the years I've stopped trying to make contact with my 'best friends' they're only interested when suits them, ignore messages for months until they need me to do something for them... so I've just stopped trying. It's left me with two friends who do put effort in but it's purely texting (even before lockdown). It makes me sad that I don't have any close friends to pop out to lunch with, weekends away or even a night out (pre or lost covid). My DP thinks it's because they see me as too nice and easy to use... (can never say no apparently) blush I used to have such a great group of friends sad

tulalulah Sun 14-Jun-20 17:31:59

shadypines I used to have hobbies, but I've got a baby who's taking up most of my time right now. I want to go to those baby classes when they're back on, hopefully I'll meet someone there.

I agree OfTheNight- It would be so lovely to be able to meet someone just for a coffee and a catch-up.

Doingtheboxerbeat I think that's similar to what's happened to me - I used to have lots of friends back at University but now I'm more serious and 'mature' I suppose aka boring haha.

EmotionalFlood it's so rubbish isn't it. I'd love to have friends I could have a day away with etc. I'm sick of always making the effort - and now I've stopped, it's like they haven't even noticed! No doubt I'll hear from some of them when they need a favour or something.

OP’s posts: |
tulalulah Sun 14-Jun-20 17:35:02

OfTheNight apologies, I missed the last part of your post. I can relate.
I wish people wanted to spend time with me. I just don't know where to find anyone anymore.
My self esteem has taken quite a hit in the last 2 years. I had some troubles at work and I've gained quite a bit of baby weight that I'm yet to lose. It feels really hard to actually make new friends now I'm older.

OP’s posts: |

Advertisement

FangleBangle Sun 14-Jun-20 17:35:28

Yes same here. I've been "reaching out" to lots of people over lockdown. Literally working my way through ny contacts and friends lists. Most of them have replied politely but no one actually reached out to me.

EssexGurl Sun 14-Jun-20 17:35:36

Yes, me too! I think they lockdown has highlighted this for all of us.

I used to meet up weekly with a couple of friends for coffee. I have kept it going with a text at the same time every week. Lovely! But this week I had something on and didn’t find the time. I deliberately didn’t text later that day. Neither of them bothered to contact me and it made me feel sad.

Youngest DC is moving to secondary in Sept. I’m on the group chat for the mums going there (v small group) but I’m only there for them to ask me questions as I have older DC there. Again, quite sad when I ask something and there is silence.

I’ve suggested socially distanced coffee to two friends. Both “too busy” to meet up despite not working and not needing childcare. Then I see on some group chat they’ve been with a group in the park.

Billyjoearmstrong Sun 14-Jun-20 17:36:03

Same here op.

I have acquaintances but I can never seem to move on to proper friendship. They always all seem to have their quota of friends they have known for years.

There is no one I could call in a crisis.

tulalulah Sun 14-Jun-20 17:37:11

shadypines I'd do the quizzes but no-one has invited me to them. I know someone who's doing them but for some reason they've told me about them, but proceeded not to invite me. The other option is PILs and I don't think I can bare another 'family quiz' session. (Whole other story). I do have family but we are very different people, and it can be a struggle to chat without butting heads a lot of the time unfortunately.

OP’s posts: |
Juiceey Sun 14-Jun-20 17:39:33

If you're in Herts I'll be your friend!

I feel the same. I have some good friends but they all live far away so our friendship is via text and FaceTime. I'd love some real life friends to go out for lunch with etc.

Howmanysleepsnow Sun 14-Jun-20 17:47:55

I’d love some friends too! I’m probably older than you (42) and find it gets harder, especially with dc in the mix and different priorities etc.

EmotionalFlood Sun 14-Jun-20 18:07:25

@tulalulah I could never understand why they seemed to drop me, but I think they see me as being at a different stage in life. We haven't managed children yet whereas friends have. I always ask after them and their families. Ask if they want to go to soft plays for catch up etc or shopping... never hear back until they need favours. One friend has two littles and we talk all the time. Meet up once or twice a year... I don't understand it! Making new friends isn't easy either!

tulalulah Sun 14-Jun-20 18:32:22

Juiceey I appreciate the offer but sadly nowhere near!
Howmanysleepsnow I agree, it's so difficult with other commitments.
EmotionalFlood that's rubbish sad we are the opposite - the first to have kids so I guess people assume we no longer want/need to socialise. Quite the opposite.

OP’s posts: |
OfTheNight Sun 14-Jun-20 18:36:23

@tulalulah thank you for starting this thread. I think being lonely is a bit of a taboo subject and it’s actually comforting to hear others are in a similar position to me. Sending out flowers and cake because it really sucks sometimes doesn’t it?

DracunculusVulgaris Sun 14-Jun-20 20:39:39

Hi @tulalulah, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, I can sympathise and empathise as I feel the same, although my dynamic is slightly different and I am, I suspect, a little older than you (56)!

As @OfTheNight has said, lonliness is a taboo subject to many and probably also dismissed, by those who haven't experienced it, as a state of mind which can simply be overcome by 'volunteering', 'joining clubs', engaging in hobbies which require interaction with others, going to church or 'making an effort'. If only it were that simple! The fact that there are frequent threads on this subject on MN indicate that it is not an unusual situation, particularly for those with young children, for whom it is far from easy, I would imagine (I cannot speak with authority since I have never had children!), to find the time or opportunity to build and maintain friendships. I keep physically busy, and my mind occupied,with my hobbies, my employment, running my home, looking after my livestock etc, but, once the day is done the feeling of lonliness often comes sweeping in like a malevolent black cloud of hopelessness and angst.I use Mumsnet a good deal for vicarious and virtual friendships with other posters, primarily focusing on the subjects which interest me, having stimulating healthy debate and exchange of ideas - it helps, but is not a substitute for real friendships.

I live alone (apart from my chickens and bees), in an isolated rural location, with just one neighbour a couple of hundred yards down the lane, I also work alone and, quite literally, a whole week can pass by without me having any human contact apart from a brief conversation with a checkout operative at the supermarket or the cashier at a petrol station when I stop for fuel. I have never had a 'holiday' holiday, been abroad, been to a wedding, rarely ever get invited anywhere and it is years since I last had a meal out or indulged in any social contact. In fact, it is so long now that I fear I have forgotten how to engage in 'normal' human social intercourse and it is frightening. My birthday is coming up soon and I am dreading it - I know there will be no cards, messages or phonecalls to mark the day, nobody to share a slice of cake with, it will just be another day, but worse, since the sense of lonliness and isolation will be accentuated - Christmas is the same and I hate it! As @Billyjoearmstrong said upthread, there is nobody upon whom I could call in a crisis, or, conversely who would call me in a reverse situation. That is a very sobering thought and I am fearful that I will end up as one of those tragic cases one reads about where someone dies, is not missed and ends up being found months later as a dried up, mummified skellington! My one and only friend is someone with whom I was at college 40 odd years ago - we exchange handwritten letters three or four times a year, but she is busy with her own life and we have not met 'in the flesh' for over two years. Yes, I have aquaintances, but the fact that real friendship does not develop exacerbates the feelings I have that I am worthless, boring, dull or unloveable, compounded by the fact that I do not have, (and never will now), a family of my own and I am probably destined for a lonely old age.

I am, I know, the architect of my own situation - I am very quiet, painfully shy, very reserved, probably autistic, very ill at ease in social situations, hate pubs and crowded places and a 'wallflower' when in company. I need wide open space around me ( hence living where I do; I had to live, briefly, in a town once, through circumstance, and never in my life have I felt so hemmed in, suffocated and like a caged animal, almost literally pacing up and down, head shaking, like a Polar Bear at the zoo). I have tried joining clubs and societies, but it is not for me, I struggle to engage with people I do not know and just feel completely like a fish out of water.

I apologise for hijacking your thread to vent myself, but sometimes it helps to just let it out - especially when, ironically, there is nobody in real life with whom I can discuss it! I just do not know what the answer is, but I sincerely hope that you are able to breach the imprisoning walls of lonliness. 💐for you.

BryonyG Sun 14-Jun-20 21:59:29

I'm in the same boat. Now that lockdown is easing I've suggested meeting up to a few different people that I thought were good friends and they've all fobbed me off. I'm so lonely. I don't understand why people seem to like me but not enough to actively want to be my friend. I'm so tired of putting myself out there and not getting anything back.

3luckystars Sun 14-Jun-20 22:02:27

Tomorrow is a new day.

sparkli Sun 14-Jun-20 22:51:44

I get it too. I've never had loads of friends. My best friend from school, who I had as a bridesmaid and then godmother to our 1st DC, got married a year later and had her roommate from uni as her bridesmaid. I think that affected my ability to form proper friendships after that. I have 1 close friend and a couple of others I see infrequently, but I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable calling even who I class as a close friend if I needed her. I think of her as a best friend, but I know I'm not hers. I haven't heard from anyone over lockdown. It is what it is.

Wrigleys123 Mon 15-Jun-20 00:53:46

I feel the same OP, I think lockdown has definitely amplified it more as I can normally cope with it with working and the occasional meet up with the one or two friends I have.

Whatnametomorrow10 Mon 15-Jun-20 01:12:29

Another one here that resonates with you. I don’t know what I do or can change. Having gone through 2 lots of anti-natal classes and seen them develop splinter friendship groups - I never quite clicked with anyone. Hoping the second time I would, tried (we moved to a new area when we had my first & I suffered loneliness) but again never quite found my feet. I joined baby massage/swimming classes/baby gym! Nothing!
I have a loose friendship group with school friends & on FB see them meet - when I say do let me know the next meet up happy to travel down - invite never arrives.
I don’t think I smell! I have a laugh and not high maintenance. I have had good friends but like others realise i do a lot of the chasing. One close friend I’ve had for many years, I felt phased out by her - was quite upset this year not to even receive a Birthday text. (Silly i know)
As for the school mums - nope. The covid situation has highlighted it for me - I’ve not been invited to any zoom quizzes 😂 or social distancing drinks.

ThunderCrack Mon 15-Jun-20 01:15:14

There is a facebook group, that was made afew months ago by a poster on here.
For people that haven't got many friends
Theres afew members now, they talk chit chat, do zoom quiz's, book clubs etc....

Its rather good

I will try and tag the person who created the group if anyone is interested

ThunderCrack Mon 15-Jun-20 01:17:28

@wanderlustnearorfar

Custardcreamies101 Mon 15-Jun-20 01:31:41

I’m exactly the same sad . It’s like I just repel others. I find people only care about their own group and won’t let anyone in. If they’ve got close/best friends they’re not looking for more friends. It makes you feel inadequate.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in