Did giving up work/going part-time ease family life, or lead to career regret?!

[MumWithTwoFromLondon]

Giving up work / going part-time in a new career – did you regret it or best thing ever?!

Hi! Keen to hear people’s experiences of giving up work or changing to a job with fewer hours – and whether you are glad you did it or came to regret it.
A bit of background: I am 46, my husband is 48 and our kids are still fairly small – 5 and 7. We both work demanding full-time jobs (me in TV, him in finance) and I think the juggle feels harder than ever. Extra-curricular stuff for the kids, work, house, life admin – it all feels exhausting and like I can never give anything 100%.

By the time we get home from work, our kids only have a short amount of our time and we tend to be tired and irritable, and stressed by all the constant rushing and juggling. Then at weekends we just feel done in by the end of it! It doesn't feel like we are getting much quality time with the kids (and basically none as a couple), and school holidays are of course tricky. My social life is limited too – seeing friends is pretty infrequent. My parents are also now in their early 80s but I feel like I never get to spend any proper time with them as when the kids are around they dominate our attention.

My husband has recently taken on a new job which is a fantastic opportunity and could, if it goes the way we hope, financially set us up for life. This was a joint family decision, but we agreed it on the understanding that he would be working harder, so I would have more to do at home in terms of school pick-ups/drop-offs and general admin - my job has greater flexibility. I was doing more of this anyway – house, holidays, playdates, etc - but will be doing so much more now. My husband has always been very supportive of me and my career, so the issue here isn't about inequality or me trying to get him to do more.

What I'm trying to work out is whether, if his job goes the way we think it will, I should quit my job in order to make our life feel less stressful – more time with the kids, less rushing day-to-day, and not trying to squeeze all the life admin in around the edges of a full-time job.

The problem is that I really like my job. I feel very lucky to have it in a highly competitive industry, particularly as it was a career pivot I made five years ago and I had to work really hard to break into the industry. My boss is a woman and has kids so there's never a problem having time off for school plays, parents' evening etc. My worry is that if I quit, in a couple of years when the kids are older and things get a bit easier, I might regret it and end up sitting at home wondering what to do with myself!

The other alternative would be retraining as a PT and working part-time, so I wouldn't be completely stepping away from work. I love fitness and the gym, so that feels like a natural fit – but obviously it would be a completely different career.

I'd really love to hear from people who have been in a similar position.

If you gave up work or went part-time when your children were young, how did you feel about it a few years later? Did it make family life significantly less stressful? Did you feel your children genuinely benefited from having you around more? And, perhaps most importantly, did you ever regret stepping back from your career?

Equally, if you chose to keep working full-time despite finding the juggle really difficult, I'd love to hear how you feel about that decision now.

All opinions welcome – thank you!

Honestly, if you love your current role you should do everything in your power to keep it - I think you will have massive regret in 5 years' time when the kids are more independent and you've given it up. It spunds like you get enough flexibility to be present for their events as well, which is so valuable. Is there scope to drop somw hours and go part time? I was part time until my kids were about 6 and 8, I'm so glad I kept my foot in the door now I'm able to be full time again. It would be really tough to get back into my industry if I'd stopped working completely. Having said all of this, it was never an option for us financially for me to give up work completely - I may have felt differently if my husband earned big bucks and I knew he'd continue to do so in the future.

Hire more help using his new salary. Do not make yourself vulnerable. So many women have ended up bitter and without a career by men who eventually fuck off.

I essentially gave up work at 48 as i had a son with complicated support needs and I bloody hated my job (solicitor).

For family life- wonderful. Have never regretted that.

For my career- I'm anxious. I've kept my professional development and my industry contacts up to date and occasionally step in for my former law firm to support. But I think I'll never be able to return properly at any sort of level. Not least because DH now has a degenerative condition and while i am still caring for DS1 I am caring for parents and will be for him as well.

Oh don’t stop work in a job you love! Explore part time instead?? I work 4 days and I don’t think I’d ever do full time again, it makes life much more manageable. Though it is annoying that I probably just do 5 days of work in 4 and get paid less. But for me it’s worth it.

I was able to reduce hours in my original job and still progress after going PT. It might not have been to the extent I could have done otherwise, but tbh just having DC I probbaly wouldn't have put myself forward for it anyway.

I made a huge difference to our quality of life. However, that was becuase I didn't listen to MNetters who think chores still need to be 50/50 and your only additional responsibility is childcare. For me, running the house on my NWDs was completely the point, so that we could have weekends free as a family.

I worked FT while children at nursery (it was easier)

When my eldest started school I went down to 30 hours and did the school pick up twice a week.

I stuck at roughly 27- 30 hours until my youngest started secondary school. I’m back to work FT for the last 5 years - children are now 16 & 23.

Husband helped with the drops off/ sickness etc and utilised holiday clubs. He also gets that he needs to take his share of the house upkeep. We did employ a cleaner when I went back to FT.

It has meant I’m independent, have a fairly decent pension & career. Have a husband who has done his fair share & also doesn’t feel all the responsibility on him and he does a job at the level he is happy at - he could have stepped up but he didn’t want too sacrifice family balance.

Weve never missed any school event & both children have a lovely relationship with us both. If they had been affected by our working by hours I would have changed - our priority has always been the children.

For me now at nearly 50, I don’t regret any choices. We all worked together for what worked for the family. Now counting the next 15/16 years till I can retire! Selfishly be staying within work I have a job I love and earned the flexibility that I think is more needed when the children are at teenager years - they somehow needed me more in a different way.

When DC were little we could manage financially on DH wages. I went very part time, just a few hours a week to keep my hand in.
They never had to go to childminders, after school or holiday clubs.
DH took early retirement when they were teenagers and took on most of the running around while I continued at work.
My DC are adults now and looking back I have zero regrets. I was older when they were born and it might have been different if I'd been younger. As it was I look back and those years were so brief I'm very glad I spent them with the children.

This. Do this.

Tough one. I had my last dc in my early 40s and my elderly parents both passed away so I don’t have that responsibility any more. Dh and I have careers in finance; we were (salary wise) neck and neck until I had dc2 and my mum was on her last legs + covid lockdowns happened - at that point I decided to step back.

My current job is boring and I am doing 28 hours a week. I don’t regret it because now I have time for my kids, cooking, yoga, swimming, friends of my own… I’m 50 and I wish I could retire altogether - but I think that’s the boredom talking.

If I had a career I loved there’s no chance I’d give it up. Could you do say 4 days a week compressed? Or 5 days and stop at 3pm?

If you love the job, keep the job.

In my sector I'm lucky that part time hasn't hindered me, and I combined it with a masters - but when life took a swerve and my husband needed care - I can see how quickly you are defaulted to family support as your sole purpose, not all sectors welcome you back once you step off.

Both for me. It was an easy decision as I didn’t enjoy my job and my earnings were less than childcare.

I look back though and realise that not working contributed to my loss of self, and having no career progression, so starting work again I was limited with where to start.

If you really like your job it’s a no brainer, don’t give it up.

I worked 3 days a week in a professional role for 15 years. It has had no impact on my career. Yes my pension has taken a hit as a result but DHs pension will be ok and it’s all household money.

Do I regret it?
Not one bit. The whole family benefited in terms of quality of life and I could be around more when the kids were young. You never get those years back.

No-one on their death bed ever said I wish I spent more time at work!

Both!
It did make DH’s life easier, and I guess it wax less stressful. It made me bored though, and with hindsight probably close to depression, especially once the dcs were at school, and I hated not earning my own money. Career took a hit too. I am much happier working and paying for a cleaner. I’d rather be busy than bored! Don’t give up a job you love and work you don’t be able to get back!

I went part time for many years in a different role than my original career. I was made redundant just my youngest aged out of nursery and was diagnosed with autism. My dh was working abroad so of limited help.

I couldnt think of another way to look after him as no wrap around care. So I found a nice local part time role. Im very glad I managed to work though as it was a huge escape for me during the hard years. I was so happy at work. It took my mind off all the stress from the LA and school.

I now work full time again in a great role and I think its more senior than id have made in my original carer as it happens as im better at this field and have my experience of balancing life and work.

I think reducing hours to PT, but still maintaining your industry contacts is crucial if you want to ever go back to FT work in your industry - much easier to find a FT role than it is to step away and have to try to get back into it. It will keep your skills up to date in an ever changing world, and it means you continue to do something you love, which I suspect also informs some of your identity?

FWIW, DH and I were both in finance, and I stepped back when we had the children, supporting him to grow his career. I used to work in a creative industry, and even with only 3 years out, I didn't have the same connections when I was ready to get back to work. It took another 7 years before I stumbled into a position back in my old industry (on a PT basis), and I had to go in at a much reduced role to the one I previously held. However, 11 years, and a couple of job moves later, I'm now at the top of my profession in an industry I love. If I'd not taken that time out, I'd have been here MUCH sooner.

Don't give up altogether - go part-time. I have a friend who also worked in media and gave up her job to raise her young family. Her DH is also a high earner, and at the time of the decision, it felt like a no-brainer to her, particularly because (unlike you) she didn't really love her job!

Long story short - over ten years later, she's very unhappy and regrets it. He makes all the money and their roles within the family seem completely polarised. Now the kids are older teenagers she is 'needed' less at home - and she feels completely lost and quite resentful in some ways.

Even though they don't need her income, she really dislikes having zero financial independence, and openly says she feels her life lacks purpose. It wouldn't be easy getting a new role after being out of the game for so long, and her confidence has been knocked as it's been so long.

If you can - go part-time, and hire as much help as possible (cleaners etc) to maximise your time with the kids when you are at home!

I was able to go part time without changing careers. I still got promotions and raises. Best of both worlds sort of situation. I have no regrets.

I would not be giving up my job at 46, what is your pension like?

Is there any reason why you can't do your current job part time? Dropping down to 30 hours and only doing 6 hours a day will make a big difference to your home life, but won't have too much impact on your work life, in my experience.

I'm fairly senior, but have never gone back to full time! My husband and I both dropped down to 30 hours when our kids were babies/tiny, we increased to 33 hours when they were both at school and I've never gone back up to 37 (even though my kids are both adults now, I am used to the reduced salary and like having more time to myself!)

I reduced my hours to work part time when my DC were young and went back to full time when the youngest was 5.
I don’t regret it at all, I think it was great for me and my family.
In your shoes though i wouldn’t give up a job you love especially as your DC will be gaining a bit more independence the older they get.
I would use the extra money to pay a cleaner/pay for childcare/online shopping deliveries etc to make life easier.
Alternatively is reducing your hours temporarily in this job an option?

Both.

It was absolutely the best thing to do for the family unit, DHs career, and the kids.

It has absolutely fcuked my career - ive just pulled myself back to where I left 12 years ago - and thats taken 5 years.

So long as DH doesn't trade me in for a better model, it will be grand. If we split, or something happens to him, life will get a bit squeeky.

Took it in turns. I went PT for the first five years, then we swopped over and he did.

It meant we both took a similar
career/ earnings hit and both understood more about what it was like keeping everything running at home.

Taking some time off it has massively eased family stress for us. We both did the household chores etc after work so it was never a case of sharing the burden but it still always felt that there was never enough time, evenings were rushed, weekends were rushed and it wasn’t the type of family life I wanted.
I’ve taken a period of time out of the workplace and it’s been bliss, never having to stress about a preschool inset day, or sending DC in when they were on the cusp of getting sick but we both had important presentations, being there for pick up every day at 12 instead of DC being sent from pillar to post. It’s been thoroughly enjoyable.
Some medical issues have cropped up that would have made work even harder so it’s been lucky I was already off.
I have a masters and a not insignificant amount of corporate work experience, I will go back at some form at some point but not for a few years, perhaps do a different postgrad when they’re both settled in school.

You love your job and have an understanding boss - I wouldn’t give that up. It sounds like it could be hard to get back into if you take a break. The younger years are a slog, but it’s really a short period of time in your life as a whole. Your children still need you when they are older, but in a different way and it doesn’t feel quite so relentless.

I went to four days when DC small, I am now back to full time. Neither DH or I rely on the other to financially support the family, and if something happened to one of us, we’d manage. Us both working full time gives us a good lifestyle and the ability to offer experiences and financial support that we couldn’t if my career had stalled.

Don’t give it up
They won’t be young forever and it will get easier
Keep the job

I dropped to 3 days pw (my child is in Infants) and husband works 4 days pw. Both changes have made a huge difference to our family wellbeing. We all have time together and some time apart to pursue hobbies etc. It also makes the school holidays much easier because we only need to book 3 days of holiday club to cover our working week which feels much more reasonable (enjoyable even!) for our child. We both enjoy our work so wouldn’t want to give it up completely so I’m grateful we’ve managed to find this balance. I work with someone at the moment who is full time but takes off the month of August unpaid. It’s written into their contract and works well for their job, there could be alternatives like this for you.