Did giving up work/going part-time ease family life, or lead to career regret?!

[MumWithTwoFromLondon]

Giving up work / going part-time in a new career – did you regret it or best thing ever?!

Hi! Keen to hear people’s experiences of giving up work or changing to a job with fewer hours – and whether you are glad you did it or came to regret it.
A bit of background: I am 46, my husband is 48 and our kids are still fairly small – 5 and 7. We both work demanding full-time jobs (me in TV, him in finance) and I think the juggle feels harder than ever. Extra-curricular stuff for the kids, work, house, life admin – it all feels exhausting and like I can never give anything 100%.

By the time we get home from work, our kids only have a short amount of our time and we tend to be tired and irritable, and stressed by all the constant rushing and juggling. Then at weekends we just feel done in by the end of it! It doesn't feel like we are getting much quality time with the kids (and basically none as a couple), and school holidays are of course tricky. My social life is limited too – seeing friends is pretty infrequent. My parents are also now in their early 80s but I feel like I never get to spend any proper time with them as when the kids are around they dominate our attention.

My husband has recently taken on a new job which is a fantastic opportunity and could, if it goes the way we hope, financially set us up for life. This was a joint family decision, but we agreed it on the understanding that he would be working harder, so I would have more to do at home in terms of school pick-ups/drop-offs and general admin - my job has greater flexibility. I was doing more of this anyway – house, holidays, playdates, etc - but will be doing so much more now. My husband has always been very supportive of me and my career, so the issue here isn't about inequality or me trying to get him to do more.

What I'm trying to work out is whether, if his job goes the way we think it will, I should quit my job in order to make our life feel less stressful – more time with the kids, less rushing day-to-day, and not trying to squeeze all the life admin in around the edges of a full-time job.

The problem is that I really like my job. I feel very lucky to have it in a highly competitive industry, particularly as it was a career pivot I made five years ago and I had to work really hard to break into the industry. My boss is a woman and has kids so there's never a problem having time off for school plays, parents' evening etc. My worry is that if I quit, in a couple of years when the kids are older and things get a bit easier, I might regret it and end up sitting at home wondering what to do with myself!

The other alternative would be retraining as a PT and working part-time, so I wouldn't be completely stepping away from work. I love fitness and the gym, so that feels like a natural fit – but obviously it would be a completely different career.

I'd really love to hear from people who have been in a similar position.

If you gave up work or went part-time when your children were young, how did you feel about it a few years later? Did it make family life significantly less stressful? Did you feel your children genuinely benefited from having you around more? And, perhaps most importantly, did you ever regret stepping back from your career?

Equally, if you chose to keep working full-time despite finding the juggle really difficult, I'd love to hear how you feel about that decision now.

All opinions welcome – thank you!

@Gertibear One thing I knew I was not going to get was promotion and I’d got as high as I could at 36. I was actually very pleased with myself and had done 6 years of part time study while working full time to get there. Leaving it meant I mourned for the loss. I definitely lost status amongst friends but DH earned so much from the business it meant he really needed to work hard to keep everyone going - and over 100 depended on him. It’s always a juggling act! Definitely no easy answer.

Ah I’m sorry you were made to feel that way. As a now working mum I have only respect for those who are working relentlessly at home without a break and without anyone to say what a fantastic job you are doing!

I would absolutely buy in more help as a first step rather than you taking on more and more strain or cutting your career. Cleaner, PT housekeeper, after school nanny are all potential options. I would try that first before stepping back, you can always revisit if that doesn’t do enough.

TV is an incredibly competitive industry that is shrinking so if you left the workplace there it would be a huge, and probably unwinnable, battle to get back in later.

If part time is an option in your current job that might be worth exploring but with a clear understanding of what the career consequences are. Sometimes it works well but for plenty of people they end up in less interesting work, progression stifled etc.

Personally I have always worked Ft as has DH. I’ve made some career choices to avoid the heaviest workloads in my profession but staying FT has allowed me to continue to grow my career (and become senior and well paid) in a way I simply think would have been unrealistic if I went PT or took a long career break.

Careful OP. You say that your parents are in their 80s, so you may well find that if you quit your paid job now in order to reduce stress, in a few more years you’ll be expected to take on a stressful unpaid carer’s role looking after them!

Can you go part time? I love my job but went part time instead of giving it up. Helps my DH with his big job and very long hours and I personally have more balance

This isn't an either or question. I think personally it's more likely to be a yes and yes question.
But I wouldn't give up a job you love and is hard to replace to mold yourself around your family.

Is it an option to cut your hours or go down to 4 days? If you love your job I think you'll end up resenting the "house wife role" if you stop working.
I started having a day off mid week when my youngest went to school and it is an absolute game changer. Also get a cleaner!

I quit two years ago and have zero regrets. However I didn't love my job, I despised going to work. If you genuinely love it, use the extra money he's making to hire help instead of giving up something you love.

@Dancingonlies Thank you. At the time I was miffed! I had worked for 19 trees before dc and contributed quite a lot! I’m just really putting it out there as a warning because I hadn’t realised how strongly people would feel - other women!

Before you do anything I'd consider if you are in perimenopause due to your age and it causing fatigue and overwhelm. Hormone replacement therapy could give you your life back and save your career. Download the free app by Dr Louise Newson called Balance and check out the symptoms and consider if you could be going through this.

I worked part-time when my DD was in nursery, 3 days a week. It was with a highly flexible company who allowed me to also homework most of the time, I only had to go into the office once a month. They were also very understanding if she was ill etc. The only problem was it was an agency and so the work was very deadline oriented. If I didn’t finish something during my working day I was expected to finish it in my own time. During busy times I was often at work, then picked uo DD from nursery, did evening routine and so on and went back to work when she went to sleep. She was a terrible sleeper TBH which made it really hard in busy times, sometimes I stayed up until 1 or 2 am and it ruined my day off (the next day). However, I’d say it worked 75% of the time quite well and I felt lucky. The problem was when she went to school. Now her day ended at half 3 and it totally messed everything up. She was NOT happy staying in after school care and I ended up trying to arrange my work hours around school hours and it was a total nightmare. I got burnt out and ended up quitting. Eventually I moved into freelance work which was ideal as I was in charge of my hours, but my income was incredibly variable. When she went to high school, I went back into full time work and that was fine. Overall I’ve probably had a mostly ideal working experience compared with some moms and I feel lucky about that. But working PT can be incredibly difficult and stressful too, in busy times I felt it was the worst of both worlds. I was resentful my job didn’t fit in my work hours and not fully present when spending time with DD as I was too worried about work.

I had to give up work when I had a severely disabled child. I am in finance and found it really destroyed my career prospects when I attempted to return later in life and I had to start much lower than I planned to be at this stage of life. If you love your job and it’s flexible I’d try to reduce hours/job share to keep it

I went part time when my youngest was born, well, after maternity. I've loved it. I worked full time with my older 2 and what a difference this is, especially since he started school. I can juggle my hours round to attend school events or other appointments, school holiday childcare is much easier. I really appreciate that I can pick him up 3 days a week and have plenty of time to not only get the necessities done but have some fun quality time too. Shopping gets done on a week day when it's much quieter and quicker. More time for home cooked meals instead of convenience meals. Weekends are enjoyable instead of being exhausted trying to catch up on everything then being hit with the Sunday blues.

Both. It eased family
life and my mental health but put me back significantly career wise which is regretful. Can’t have it both ways, so trying to build career up again. Has impacted the size of our house, have an old second hand car, cheap clothes, etc. But we manage

I stopped work after DD2 was born - DD1 was 18 months. I had a ‘big’ job and when I returned to work after DD1, I really struggled to find ANY work/life balance - my stress levels were through the roof. I decided to take a five year career break and be a sahm until DDs started school. I also studied acupuncture and Chinese medicine in those five years 😂🤷🏼‍♀️ I did feel incredibly sad because pre DDs I really loved my job. I had my DDs at 41 & 42 and had climbed the ladder high enough not to have to go back … and I chose not to. I opted to Home Educate and took on consultancy work that was configured around the family … they’re 18 & 16 now and I have no regrets at all. I do sometimes think about all the money I could have made 😂 but I’ve had eighteen summers with my DDs and it’s impossible to put a price on that privilege!

I worked in housing sector full time, 7 - 6 with kids under 5, extremely demanding even after 6pm. I gave it up when my son was at secondary school due to severe bullying. I realised how much time I spent away from them how stressed I was in my role and how nothing was done spending Sundays cleaning all day cooking tea at 7, Childminder doing wonderful things, I couldn't when working full time. When my son went to a different school, I never went back to my career. I now clean private houses part time and once I've finished no more phone calls I leave the job it's done. Everyone is happier all round. I realised how much time I spent away from them missing important things, not paying attention because there was so much to do, how stressed I was in my role spending Sundays cleaning all day cooking tea at 7. I even go to the gym and spend time alone. Not regretted it at all.

Instead of quitting, can you go part-time and/or does your organisation consider career breaks? My employer had career breaks of up to 2 years and if I was in your shoes I would start with that rather than quit/move part time

Honestly, both. Though I think if I had my time again I’d still have left work. The kids have left home now and I haven’t worked for about 10 years. Before that I was able to work part time. Before that I had a really great well paid job. Had the kids in my late 30s. I had a small taste of juggling work and school holidays and 3 kids and it wasn’t fun, and very expensive. Highly stressful. I’m 57. I have a really good pension, when I was on maternity leave my husband topped mine up. I have assets in my name and if he left me tomorrow and took whatever he could take I’d be perfectly fine financially. But some days I feel a bit adrift.

If I’d persevered with full time work, or even part time I’d have been able to ramp things up now. But would I really want to? Who knows. I did love being there for the kids in the afternoons during their high school years.

Can you employ a P/T Nanny/Housekeeper to relieve the burden. ?

I think you'd be a mug to go part time.

Part time is definitely the way to go - can you do this in your current job? Obviously, if you can afford a cook/housekeeper that would be different but I dont think that a cleaner alone makes sufficient impact. Even with a housekeeper you still have life admin to do so this is the real benefit of being part-time.
Re retraining as a physio: the training is definitely not part time! Also, rotation jobs when first qualified are not always easy to come by and I suspect part time rotations are like hen's teeth. It could be great once you have a few years experience but that's about 6 years down the line.

I gave up teaching to work for myself for a few years whilst DD was little, when she started school I returned to work as a teaching assistant so much less stress. Family life is hugely less stressful and so much easier. Personally my mental health is better and I’m happier.

I love it, but the career break killed my confidence somehow, I don’t know why but I just feel useless somehow? Like I can’t do anything right/well and one day everyone will realise that I’m useless at my job. Major imposter syndrome and self doubt.

however, I’d do it in a heartbeat because when I’m on my deathbed I don’t want to regret all the hours I worked and felt stressed over it. When my employer would have my job listed before my funeral.

always prioritise yourself and your family (if financially able to).

How interesting! Did you ever practise?

Not professionally. That was never my intention. I’d just had amazing results when I’d had acupuncture and taken herbal medicine and I just thought I had a window to learn that kind of witchcraft 😂 In hindsight taking on something so intense while having a newborn and a toddler wasn’t the best plan! I do make all our medicines and my DDs often ask for an acupuncture treatment. I treat friends and family a lot … I did part of my clinical practice with an amazing woman who specialised in acupuncture and herbs for fertility 🕊️ she’s sadly no longer with us but she was an amazing teacher - I’m always happy to help any woman in that area in her memory and honour. It’s a nice skill to have and I never leave home without a bunch of needles 😂

I did it and I’d say both. The family life side of things has been great the majority of the time and my DC have been able to do so much during this time, I am a great believer that they are only small for a little while and want to drink it all in while they are. However I still miss my career but I could not have done it both and I’m glad I did what I did.

Ouf , can it be yes to both? I stopped working, which coincided with a move to a country where I didn’t speak the language. It was career suicide 🤷‍♀️. But I it worked very well for our family. The kids didn’t have to go into childcare around school, sick days were no hassle, I volunteered at school so got to know the teachers and other children. DH was able to work and not have the stress of trying to find a solution to sick days. And I really enjoyed being a SAHM - I kept the house in great order, had loads of friends and ended up running a community playgroup for 5 years. My kids are 18 and 15 now and my friends from those days are still the closest.

But yeah, career death. I have a job now, full time and I enjoy it. But it’s just a job, not a career. My pension is pretty shit, I will be depending on DHs pension for sure. We are fine with that, and have a lot of joint assets. We’re completely joint in all other financial aspects, I have full access to all spending. In fact I’m now the breadwinner- DH went part time for medical reasons this year, and I’m full time and fine with that.