Did giving up work/going part-time ease family life, or lead to career regret?!

[MumWithTwoFromLondon]

Giving up work / going part-time in a new career – did you regret it or best thing ever?!

Hi! Keen to hear people’s experiences of giving up work or changing to a job with fewer hours – and whether you are glad you did it or came to regret it.
A bit of background: I am 46, my husband is 48 and our kids are still fairly small – 5 and 7. We both work demanding full-time jobs (me in TV, him in finance) and I think the juggle feels harder than ever. Extra-curricular stuff for the kids, work, house, life admin – it all feels exhausting and like I can never give anything 100%.

By the time we get home from work, our kids only have a short amount of our time and we tend to be tired and irritable, and stressed by all the constant rushing and juggling. Then at weekends we just feel done in by the end of it! It doesn't feel like we are getting much quality time with the kids (and basically none as a couple), and school holidays are of course tricky. My social life is limited too – seeing friends is pretty infrequent. My parents are also now in their early 80s but I feel like I never get to spend any proper time with them as when the kids are around they dominate our attention.

My husband has recently taken on a new job which is a fantastic opportunity and could, if it goes the way we hope, financially set us up for life. This was a joint family decision, but we agreed it on the understanding that he would be working harder, so I would have more to do at home in terms of school pick-ups/drop-offs and general admin - my job has greater flexibility. I was doing more of this anyway – house, holidays, playdates, etc - but will be doing so much more now. My husband has always been very supportive of me and my career, so the issue here isn't about inequality or me trying to get him to do more.

What I'm trying to work out is whether, if his job goes the way we think it will, I should quit my job in order to make our life feel less stressful – more time with the kids, less rushing day-to-day, and not trying to squeeze all the life admin in around the edges of a full-time job.

The problem is that I really like my job. I feel very lucky to have it in a highly competitive industry, particularly as it was a career pivot I made five years ago and I had to work really hard to break into the industry. My boss is a woman and has kids so there's never a problem having time off for school plays, parents' evening etc. My worry is that if I quit, in a couple of years when the kids are older and things get a bit easier, I might regret it and end up sitting at home wondering what to do with myself!

The other alternative would be retraining as a PT and working part-time, so I wouldn't be completely stepping away from work. I love fitness and the gym, so that feels like a natural fit – but obviously it would be a completely different career.

I'd really love to hear from people who have been in a similar position.

If you gave up work or went part-time when your children were young, how did you feel about it a few years later? Did it make family life significantly less stressful? Did you feel your children genuinely benefited from having you around more? And, perhaps most importantly, did you ever regret stepping back from your career?

Equally, if you chose to keep working full-time despite finding the juggle really difficult, I'd love to hear how you feel about that decision now.

All opinions welcome – thank you!

Asked no man ever. It makes me sad when it's always women who have to make these choices.

I also do 4 days plus or minus and have for years (sometimes I do a bit of freelancing along my teaching job) but you have to have incredibly strong boundaries to avoid the full time work, part time pay issue. At least with teaching, no-one can force you to teach a class on a non contract day, but jobs in TV might be tougher to contain.

I often work at the weekend as the price of actually taking my day "off" during the week.

The other issue can be that if senior management are all FT, they have little insight into the issues of less than full timers (nor care generally tbh).

For years I worked 4 days a week in my roles and it didn’t impede career progression. A few years ago I changed to a fractional version of my role but being self employed has its own challenges in terms of business development, managing the company etc. I enjoy the client work but feel more pressure to deliver in some ways and it’s not that flexible when I’m busy. I’ve been approached about going in house again and I’m definitely tempted!

My PT had to work v hard to build a client bank even though she works in a gym, on top of all her training. She enjoys it but again her regular clients want training all year round and quite often want evenings etc so it doesn’t always work with kids.

I was very happy to go PT in my job as a teacher because I was getting to the point of burnout! It made so much difference having more time with DC and finally being able to let myself take a step back for myself.

I work very part time. We have no family help and have 2 DCs with SEN, so it was absolutely killing us both working full time. I worked minimum wage in a job I hated so it was an easy transition. I don't regret my decision to leave full time work, as I was on the verge of suicide due to the stress. However, it sounds like you really enjoy your job and would struggle to get back into it at a later date. I would instead use the extra income to pay for help to free up some time.

I have worked part time for 14 years, my youngest is coming up for 10. I have never regretted it, I think the whole family has benefitted so much from it. As she approaches high school I would consider going full time or four days, mainly to improve my pension but not in my current role (teaching).

I wouldn't step down. I'd simplify other areas. Drop some extra curriculars would be the first thing. We did this at the end of last year and it was amazing having 2 nights off a week from driving children to various clubs!

I dropped to part time hours in a less demanding job. Family life was much simpler but I was bored senseless and miserable after a year. I wish I'd kept the other job and just hired more help.

We are th opposite of this. I am the high earner and my husband quit work 2 years ago. He was travelling all the time and the burden on me was too much with school and work despite having all the flexibility I need.

anyway he couldn’t stand his job, and I was lined up for major promotion at the same time. I took it, he quit.

the first year we readjusted to not having his salary as my initial increase didn’t cover the gap fully. The second year, my efforts paid off with a significant change in package.

everyone is happy. He does everything at home and I still do whatever jobs I see need doing - I don’t need to be asked. I do more cooking at weekends because I have the time. He redecorated the whole house.

weekends have become family days, no washing, cleaning, shopping to do.

we are now just opening up a Sipp for him to start paying in every month to boost his pension. We are financially planning to retire by 60 (12 years).

he has actually just set up a handyman business and is starting to gain income for small jobs during school hours.

no regrets, we keep everything equal, transparent and accessible.

Find holiday care that has longer hours? There was only one option where we previously lived but we moved to a new area with more choice.

We used one that was 7.45am - 6pm and which also provided all the meals, which made things a lot easier. DC outgrew that one as the activities were aimed at the younger end of primary school. After that we used a different one that was 8.30 - 5.30 but closer to work so easier to get there in time. This one doesn’t provide food though.

Because they physically didn't exist?? Trust me, I tried.

We ended up moving several hundred miles to an area that was better provided for for things like this as well as better schools - with no family support it was our only option to retain careers.

And we’re nowhere near London, holiday care does exist in other places outside London!

I partly went down that road, went PT. I didn’t like my job. PT was more stressful (for me) than full time, workwise, bad for my career and after around 5 years of it I went full time to try to move sideways towards getting just one promotion up, which took me around 4 years after returning to FT.

It sounds like your H is making some sexist assumptions, hidden by ‘logic’. Him earning more and/or having a more senior job doesn’t necessarily mean he should be facilitated and not do half of the weekday parenting and domestic work.

DH refused to consider PT (4 days, I suggested we both do that), as he said it’d harm his career. He eventually earned way, way more than me and his career took off: he did his fair share of weekday parenting once I was FT but not cooking. I do resent him for the cooking!

I’d not have SAH unless I and/or DC had health problems or significant additional needs. Due to the huge financial, personal risks of SAH.

It’s also a knock on effect: dad facilitated by his wife ‘because it makes sense’ does better at work, wife does worse. A few years in he earns way more than she does, it ‘makes sense’ for the set up to continue.

I'm part time in a fairly easy job and love it. However you have an interesting career that is hard to get in to and sought after so I don't know if I'd give that up. I never had anything that interesting to start with tbh

There's a risk that leaving your current role and taking a complete break would mean effectively retiring from that sector (at that level anyway).

Yes the kids are only small once but you probably only have one run at your role (and your pension which comes round quicker than you think).

As people have said there are ways to juggle more quality family time

Pay for more help at home
Compress hours into 4 days
Or work shorter days to have more time after school
Or negotiate extra (unpaid) leave in school holidays for half terms or all of August for example, annualised hours.

Small kids are soon teens who will still need quite a lot of scaffolding around exams etc. so building in a bit more flex without giving it all up might be a longer term solution?

I went part time when my last child went to school. I was 48 and I'd had cancer and it felt like the best option. Returned to full time when she went to secondary.

Basically missed the best years for promotion so I'm still stuck on a low grade (and too late now mid 60s) but worse than that I've really messed up my pension which won't be anywhere near what I was hoping for.

I went part time when DCs were younger and then gradually increased my hours as they went through school. I was FT by the time the youngest was leaving secondary school. It did impact my career and earnings but something had to give. We had no family support and DH worked long hours, so we would have had to rely fully on paid childcare. The cost of full time childcare was eye watering and it just wasn’t worth the stress on the DCs and us as a family. The decision was swayed by a poor experience of care for DC1 at nursery, which made my mind up that I did not want to have DCs only to hand them over almost entirely to someone else. So part time seemed like the best compromise and no regrets.

Like so many others, I wouldn't leave a job you love.

You've not come back to the thread, so not clear about why your choice seems to be stay (full time) or change career entirely ?

You will only have another 5 years or so of this stressful time and then another 16 (or more is pensionable age goes up again) years of regretting giving up the job you love.

I went part time after having dc 2 and it was absolutely the right choice for me, and for our family as a whole. I did 3 days and it has been a great balance. I wouldn't have wanted to give up work though.

As your dh's new opportunity is coming with considerable financial uplift, then use that money to outsource as much as you can of the domestic stuff, and continue in the career you love.

Sure, its individual men, but added up together its "the patriarchy". Im not letting the men off the hook, but they are supported and enabled by the patriarchy.

The legal and court "system", the current child maintenance "system", are all IMO geared towards men. They contribute to the low expectations of men post-divorce on the part of society and even the welfare and benefits system.

Its a toxic mix for many women who obviously step up and be the bigger person. But get economically shafted.

Actually before my husband started this role we did talk about whether, if my career ended up eclipsing his, he would instead go part time or give up work. So it was definitely something we discussed, but when this opportunity came along it was the one that provided huge opportunity for us as a family. But I do understand your point - I would say the issue is that often men earn more than women, but that’s another problem entirely!

I was not judging you by any means. But I see it all the time especially in academia. Bright women give up on their careers because even one year gap will inevitably result in falling behind other male colleagues in terms of publications etc

Absolutely don't stop if you love it. Use his extra income to outsource as much as you can. I'd look at whether you can drop your hours a little bit at your current job, and do shorter days?

Thanks everyone - I really appreciate everybody who took the time to reply! There are so many responses I am struggling to reply to them all. Ideally I’d work part time (3 days a week) but that’s uncommon in TV. From the responses it’s clear that it’s really about figuring out what works best for me - as there are people on both sides of the fence who are happy with their choices! I will give it a couple of months and try to drop to 4 days, then see how that goes. It might be that having that one day off gives me enough breathing space.