Did giving up work/going part-time ease family life, or lead to career regret?!

[MumWithTwoFromLondon]

Giving up work / going part-time in a new career – did you regret it or best thing ever?!

Hi! Keen to hear people’s experiences of giving up work or changing to a job with fewer hours – and whether you are glad you did it or came to regret it.
A bit of background: I am 46, my husband is 48 and our kids are still fairly small – 5 and 7. We both work demanding full-time jobs (me in TV, him in finance) and I think the juggle feels harder than ever. Extra-curricular stuff for the kids, work, house, life admin – it all feels exhausting and like I can never give anything 100%.

By the time we get home from work, our kids only have a short amount of our time and we tend to be tired and irritable, and stressed by all the constant rushing and juggling. Then at weekends we just feel done in by the end of it! It doesn't feel like we are getting much quality time with the kids (and basically none as a couple), and school holidays are of course tricky. My social life is limited too – seeing friends is pretty infrequent. My parents are also now in their early 80s but I feel like I never get to spend any proper time with them as when the kids are around they dominate our attention.

My husband has recently taken on a new job which is a fantastic opportunity and could, if it goes the way we hope, financially set us up for life. This was a joint family decision, but we agreed it on the understanding that he would be working harder, so I would have more to do at home in terms of school pick-ups/drop-offs and general admin - my job has greater flexibility. I was doing more of this anyway – house, holidays, playdates, etc - but will be doing so much more now. My husband has always been very supportive of me and my career, so the issue here isn't about inequality or me trying to get him to do more.

What I'm trying to work out is whether, if his job goes the way we think it will, I should quit my job in order to make our life feel less stressful – more time with the kids, less rushing day-to-day, and not trying to squeeze all the life admin in around the edges of a full-time job.

The problem is that I really like my job. I feel very lucky to have it in a highly competitive industry, particularly as it was a career pivot I made five years ago and I had to work really hard to break into the industry. My boss is a woman and has kids so there's never a problem having time off for school plays, parents' evening etc. My worry is that if I quit, in a couple of years when the kids are older and things get a bit easier, I might regret it and end up sitting at home wondering what to do with myself!

The other alternative would be retraining as a PT and working part-time, so I wouldn't be completely stepping away from work. I love fitness and the gym, so that feels like a natural fit – but obviously it would be a completely different career.

I'd really love to hear from people who have been in a similar position.

If you gave up work or went part-time when your children were young, how did you feel about it a few years later? Did it make family life significantly less stressful? Did you feel your children genuinely benefited from having you around more? And, perhaps most importantly, did you ever regret stepping back from your career?

Equally, if you chose to keep working full-time despite finding the juggle really difficult, I'd love to hear how you feel about that decision now.

All opinions welcome – thank you!

I went part-time at work and it really helped at home and with the children but it was not popular at my workplace. I didn’t miss out career wise as I was in my 40s by then and already senior.

What I do regret is retiring early and not getting back to work after that although that is not the stage you are at.

Im happily a SAHM but if you love your job I would stay where you are. Especially in TV which is a tough industry.

We had a nanny when I worked as DH is out of the house 7.30am - 10pm and I was commuting too. The kids only saw the nanny on the days I worked and I didnt really enjoy my job anymore, plus she was £££. Im very happy as a SAHM but will study to do something else when DC are older.

For me it works really well as my entire family live hours away so I can still maintain close relationships as we visit every school holiday, im less stressed (I should mention one dc has SEN) and the kids hated ASC/prefer me to the nanny.

I work only part time, gives me time with my kids which is good, i think thats what counts, its just what you see as a priority

This
Dont give up your career

Also retraining as Physio-there are zero jobs and NQPT are waiting months to get an interview

In your position I would explore outsourcing every job that isn't actually face to face being with your family and would make your life easier.

Eg. Not just a cleaner, a cleaner/housekeeper who can make some meals, but birthday presents for kids parties, do shopping ironing etc.

Don’t give up a job you love. Sounds like you also have a fairly flexible role.
Use your dh’s extra money to make both your lives easier. Pay for a cleaner and a nanny.
a nanny can pick the kids up from school, give them a snack, help with homework, out of uniform etc so that when you get home there’s less rushing.

This.

Also, don't manage the extra burden on you by slicing more off your work time unofficially - unless you are brilliant and managing to look more present while being less present it is going to come back to bite you.

I went part time. Job share at first, then 0.7WTE for ages. Only went back full time when the youngest was 13, and that includes compressed hours and one day freelance so actually only 3 long days in the office. No regrets whatsoever about being around, but my pension has definitely suffered and I won't be able to retire as early as lots of my colleagues.

Ugh - didn't mean to quote to OP!

If you love your job then I’d keep at it. Use the extra money your DH is bringing in for a cleaner, gardener or whatever you need to support you.

I didn’t read it all but why are you killing yourself with all the activities for kids? We did swimming as it’s life saving and one other activity (if they wanted to) ie scouts or football etc. my boy did scouts, my girl didn’t do anything though she tried ballet once) If they learnt an instrument it was in primary school hours. They don’t have to do it all. I had friends who got up early to take their kids competition swimming and training so many mornings for them to drop it as soon as they went to secondary school/hit puberty( I know but all will). Then there were the gymnastics kids who again, most gave it up in secondary school/when puberty hit. That said, lots of girls stick at ballet or tap, just not mine. We kept weekends just for us, be it staying at home, watching films, playing Lego/playmobil/card games/board games. Or going out to national trust houses and the play parks. Also kids actually like being in their own home, they like relaxing and playing.

I did give up because dh had a very successful business and it was already providing a high income. I had reached a ceiling in my job in terms of pay and I didn’t want to go for promotion which I would not have got anyway.

Yes, I mourned for my job! DD 2 was a difficult baby and toddler and we simply didn’t know what to do for the best. I did some work but not much. For years I fret I had given up part of me that I had worked hard to get.

I know that working and doing a lot feels exhausting - but - buy in help! Get your cleaning and ironing done. Drop a few standards here and there. Look at using school clubs or paying someone to collect dc. I’d not give up completely because a part of you will die. Work a bit less if you can. If not pay for services!

Have Never regretted working part time as I’ve loved the time spent with my kids and feel really lucky. The extra 2 days during the week gives me time for doing stuff around the house, catching up with friends and general life admin.
i have accepted however, that it does come at the expense of progressing my career but i can live with that.
I think what is also relevant here is that you are in your mid to late 40s having had children later. Assuming you work part time until they are into their teens you might actually be eyeing up retirement rather than wanting to climb the ladder!

You're probably at the hardest bit now, but in 5 years it'll be a lot easier. I never even contemplated giving up work, but then I'm the higher earner (teacher). I dropped the equivalent of a day a week when they were that age basically so I had a day to do everything I needed to do my job on the other 4 days and have some weekend time.

It was definitely a whirlwind few years- primary school stuff, clubs, kids' parties at weekends, but before you know it, they're both in high school and you can breathe again.

Doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Why don’t you go down to four days? Makes a huge difference.

I’ve done literally every option staying at home to working full time in a super busy job and everything in between. For me personally, part time is the sweet spot but you will end up doing more than FT pro rata if you care about your work (at least in my field).
Being a stay at home mum I find really boring. I know others who do it so well and I do think it’s a skill. But I was rubbish at it! So I wouldn’t do it again, even though I don’t regret being around for my kids. I do regret the way it made me feel - devalued and deskilled.
But equally FT when you have a responsible, full on job is near on impossible. I had a bunch of good paid help but it wasn’t enough. The kids need and want their parents and there wasn’t enough of us to go around.

Echoing the advice to not give up a job you love. Maybe get a cleaner, ironing done, babysitter, dog walker, window cleaner, other paid help to reduce the burden on you with home life. I realised losing my salary, career, independence, link beyond house/family would be more costly than paying for help at home. You have circa 20 years of work life left - kids will be fleeing the nest. Dont make yourself financially vulnerable, depending on a man. All the best, whatever you decide.

I was a SAHM for a few years while my kids were babies/tddlers. I loved it and wouldn’t change anything, although it has affected the course of my career- not only losing those years of progression but also because there’s then a tendency to be default parent.

However in your shoes I wouldn’t even consider it. Your children are at school. You love your job and you have an understanding boss. I think you would be bored stupid sitting at home while your kids go to school and your husband enjoys his career.

How about 1) outsourcing whatever you can to take the pressure off a bit- a cleaner (or more hours if you already have one), local person who might help out with drop offs/pick ups, etc. 2) talk to your boss about the possibility of part time/compressed hours/some WFH. It is so much easier to slightly soft pedal your career and then step it up again when family demands are lower (if that’s what you want to do) than it is to give up completely then get back in.

The PT idea- doesn’t sound great tbh. You love your existing job and presumably worked very hard to get into it. Also not clear what would distinguish you as a PT- it’s a crowded field.

I am all for people being SAHPs (or PTs for that matter) when it’s what they actually want to do. In your case it sounds like what you actually want to do is your current job and you’re just thinking about doing a Captain Oates for the sake of everyone else. Don’t do it! You will end up bored and resentful.

@Dancingonlies Yes, other people judge you and comment on your lack of wanting paid work. You do become a lesser person. Friends without dc really do judge you because their lives are all about their jobs. I was openly criticised for not contributing to the family coffers but ignored the fact I did everything for dc! You have to face up to this idea you are a non person - as a result less hours can be better but you still juggle everything! No respite. Then there’s the holidays - more child care needed.

When my kids were small I went down to part time hours. I was able to be more present and the juggle was easier. However the dynamic in my relationship with their Dad changed and I began to feel like an au pair/secretary.

Now they are older I’m almost back to full time but I have flexibility which is useful.

I don’t regret it as such but I’ve realised that my earnings are very low compared to others with my qualifications. My kids Dad probably earns about 3-4 times as much as me and we have the same qualifications. We are separated & so I don’t get the benefit of his earnings in the same way as I would if we were together.

On these threads I always say think about what happens if you suddenly can’t rely on his wage (I appreciate there is insurance for some of the reasons for this but not all).

I also love my job and I’ve been lucky to be able to reduce my hours then increase them. I presume that isn’t possible for you.

I’d strongly recommend against having no job so the PT option might be a viable alternative. Good luck as I know it’s a hard decision.

Those saying dont do it - how do/did you cover the school holidays when holiday care is only ever 9-3? And you work a full day not from home? Oh, and reduced hours are rejected by work.

We really didnt have a choice - even with zero holiday together we didnt have enough leave.
I worked FT until school started. Its not always a choice.

It’s a hard one to be honest. I went down to 3 days since having my first child. I now do equivalent to 3 days still but over 4 days (school hours and one day off). Mostly work from home and have lots of flexibility.
I still feel my house is a never ending tip, life is busy with after school clubs, homework and generally keeping on top of everything. Washings, dishes, dinners, packed lunches etc. I love dropping and picking my kids up everyday though. Spending lots of time when them. I don’t know how I’d do it if I were full time. My husband works long hours out of the house. So it would still all be down to me if I were full time. Kids wld need to go to before and after school care every day. I would need a cleaner at the very least but would still struggle to see where I would fit everything else in. I get stressed just thinking about it! The extra money would be nice but mostly eaten up pretty quickly with the help I would need.
What I’m missing out on at work is promotions, I’ve stayed at the same level. No one part time ever gets a promotion. I have watched colleagues move up not only once but twice in the 9yrs since having my first daughter.
I never will regret it though. Kids are only little once and it goes by so quickly. Once they are older I can choose to go back full time and look at getting a promotion.

Don't fuck up your career. As PP said, use the money to pay for LOTS of help.

I had 7/8 years at home when they were tinies. No regrets whatsoever. Gave up a very good career. When dd was settled in reception I went back part-time in a different sector and then retrained. 24 years on, no regrets whatsoever.

My one observation is that I have never worked so hard as during the two oart-time years. Dashing here, dashing there and feeling responsible for all and everything and not sub-contracting enough. Full-time was much easier two years later: cleaner, ironer, school bus, au-pair, food deliveries, etc. Had the same money over as p/t but not yorn in two and able to start professional qualifications.

Obvs there was a financial hit but I got back to good money after about 10 years. Also, the incalculable bit is that DH woukd not have made as much if I hadn't absorbed all the home burden so it squared up.

Don't fuck up your career if you can avoid it.
But, juggling everything is a nightmare and the nursery and primary years (as long as you have good wrap round and holiday care) can be easier than teenagers, especially if there are any disabilities in the mix. Ultimately something will give and sadly usually its Mum. I stepped back to deal with disabilities and there are no promotions for me and Im hanging on to my job due to a great boss. DH is great, but the family maths meant he couldn't go part time if we still wanted a roof over our heads.