Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

I didn’t get the impression she squared up to him - she was defending herself against persistent intrusive questions about her drinking habits which are nobody’s business but her own. She simply pointed out the reasons why the questioning was inappropriate. And it now seems someone else has made a complaint about this man after witnessing inappropriate behaviour with another employee.

OP is being asked for her version of what happened in her own case after he tried to deflect the complaint with claims of bullying and ostracising. So instead of recognising the inappropriate and unprofessional behaviour which led to that complaint, he’s blaming everyone else. Sounds like HR have their work cut out.

I think you need to do some self-examination as to why you see a woman being forthright about why she's not drinking alcohol as so aggressive that you describe it as 'squaring up to him'.

I sincerely hope you're not in a position of authority over anyone.

He asked the question. OP gave him a clear social cue that she didn’t want to answer. He then followed up. Once is once too often. His second question was specific - ‘what reasons’. That goes beyond small talk and crosses into OP’s private life.

I didn't square up to him. I occupied my full space. I stood with my shouldes square, full height and maintained eye contact. Like I'd been taught on my female leadership course.

Women have a tendency to slouch, to stand with legs crossed, to lean on one hip, to look away, to head tilt, etc. This body language undermines our credibility and status. I was trained (on a coaching course through work) to recognise when were doing these things and avoid them. Take up your full space, don't minimise your body, don't be conciliatory.

I did just that.

I'll start a new thread to update on Friday's meeting.

Doesn’t matter. HR are not automatically on your side, they’re there to protect the company. Do not attend the meeting alone - take a colleague or union rep to take notes.

Hello OP,

Please join a union TODAY ... and keep a record of everything that snivelling little sh*t says to you!

And now you in turn need to make a complaint to HR about his unprofessional and inappropriate behaviour!

I would seriously lay it on so thick that he is going to really very much regret going to HR in the first place!

Please keep us posted.

The complaint wasn’t about this man’s exchange with OP, it was regarding his behaviour towards another colleague, so the witness statement won’t be relevant. OP is being asked to provide her version of events after he complained to HR about being bullied and ostracised.

And @ThreadGuardDog is spot on too ... DO NOT go alone to the meeting, take notes, record it, join a UNION today and make sure someone is with you at all times ... HR only care about the company and not the employee!

Why would I apologise when the OP replied to me agreeing with me.

It’s great that the complaint isn’t about her and I am sure she will be very relieved.

Terrible advice. OP hasn’t done anything wrong and if his conduct breaches company policy she won’t need to make a complaint. At this point she should be focused on defending herself from his accusations by giving a factual account of what happened.

And joining a union at this stage would be pointless. No union is going to provide support to a member for something that happened before they joined. The most OP could expect is someone to accompany her to the meeting as an observer, and most unions won’t provide that in such circumstances.

For saying she was unpleasant and overreacted.

She also told you she was sick of being asked why she doesn't drink.

I'm just catching up with this thread so haven't read everything after nodding off during the thread last night but just wanted to respond to this so the OP doesn't have misinformation -

The OP said from the start that she is not a member of a union. So she won't be able to take a union rep.

The OP can ask if she can bring a colleague but she has no right to, as it's not a disciplinary meeting about her.

@DrLoveHandles I'm really glad to hear that some of us were correct that it's not you who was complained about (at least not originally). It did sound more plausible that someone else complained which is why I suggested you ask before Friday.

While joining a union is a good idea for future support, no union is going to provide a member with support for an issue that arose before they joined. They may offer advice and an independent observer at the meeting, but they won’t get actively involved.

"i saw red"

It's entirely possible to feel angry and stay calm.

There are a hundred professions that require this skill.

What if you were pregnant and didn’t want to tell people, don’t blame you for being arsey with him he shouldn’t have pried or pushed you for further details. End of. You got annoyed, so what, you’re entitled to be annoyed and to let him know.

I have never seen a clearer case of projection. You do sound nuts. I mean, genuinely bonkers.

And yeah, you're a man.

Or you have the worst case of internalised misogyny it is humanly possible to have, and cannot be saved.

she agreed with me

Yes but nice little wimmin aren't allowed to be angry at drunken men harassing them, they have to simper and smile and rely upon the kindness of strangers.

I’m surprised he complained given the inappropriateness of his comment. These sorts of things are not what HR are for, but once HR are involved, they can blow up with formal processes. He was out of line; you pointed out that he was out of line; he didn’t like being made to feel stupid, rude and unprofessional.

We can all think of boring and personal reasons for not drinking. The boring ones aren’t intriguing and the personal ones are private. They include driving, an early morning the next day, weight loss, pregnancy, antibiotics, IVF, religious preference, PTSD from an alcoholic parent or partner, a sick child it elderly parent who needs you to be on standby overnight…. None of these would be any of his business.

You may not be a man but your reading and comprehension skills are certainly off if this is what you’ve taken away from the thread. And the essential nature of your post, along with the language used makes your characterisation of OP as a ‘chav’ with a chip on her shoulder ironic in the extreme. I’d ask MN to delete it as a personal attack but l think it’s more useful to leave it standing so everyone can see what you are.

Or a third option - the school holidays don’t finish until next week.🤣

This comes across as much more angry and out of control than the OP behaved.

This sounds like an investigation into him and nothing to do with you. Sounds like an obnoxious dick who's finally getting his comuppance.

For everyone saying she should have lied ... Why? it really is none of his damn business and she doesn't have to explain herself.

Good luck Friday, very relieved it's not about you but yes, take a friend to take notes. ♥️