Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Yeah nah.

I think the word "bullied" is being stretched and misused both by the guy asking and the suggestion here.

She was put under pressure, she was intimidated perhaps, but bullied, no. Bullying behavior is repeated over and over, intentional or otherwise.

Me and him are the same level of seniority.

Yes, but you have no idea who, further up the chain, is also a manpanderer, or his buddy. And systemic sexism is a thing.

That’s perfect OP. Your version is that he was also unprofessional and inappropriate with you. Do not downplay his behaviour, it’s time that misogynistic men in HE were held to account (there’s so many of them!)

Oh boy, ain't that the truth in HE.

I've asked a mate from a different department to come along with me for support.

They have a witness statement . He clearly started it you were defending yourself . Just tell the truth it will be fine . Shame they left you to stew for hours before updating you though !

That's HR for you.

I'm really relieved but pissed off at the whole situation. Academia is in free-fall and yet time and money are being wasted on nonsense like this because academic men just continue to be fucking terrible.

He was wrong to ask why you weren't drinking - none of any one else's business

BUT

I don't agree with the way you answered him - you could have quite easily just said that you didn't want to drink, there was no need to see red

Having read the updates though, he sounds like a PITA, still doesn't make the way you responded right

Alcohol is the only drug you have to justify not taking. I used to hate this in early pregnancy where everyone wants an explanation.

I would spin a story that you've got an alcoholic parent and that being asked was very triggering.

You obviously acted disproportionately but you don't deserve a HR meeting. Watch your back with the ones who tell tales - it's an after work event not in the office.

Make up a sob story, lay it on thick.

Can't believe they've gone to management about it. What a twat.

You obviously acted disproportionately.

How so? @GoldenSandy

If you had just said, "I would avoid personal questions" and then found someone else to talk to, that would have been enough.

You cannot say this would have worked.

Fuck that - not RTT as I'm angry on your behalf and just venting immediately 😂

What about their professionalism? You were justified in getting riled - they were inappropriate. If someone hasn't already given a simple answer like 'I'm driving' - there aren't many answers I can think of to explain non-drinking that aren't pretty personal. What if you were pregnant or a recovering alcoholic? What if you had social anxiety?

I hope nothing too bad comes from this.

From their description they took it a bit too far - seeing red and listing all the reasons. Sometimes people ask just out of curiosity - I don't agree with people being nosey but also recognise she didn't need to fly off the handle.

Still don't think it deserves management to be involved.

In life people will ask inappropriate questions and being a grown up means managing those without losing your temper. This colleague clearly doesn't deserve so much of their energy.

Hopefully you'll be back to apologise to OP now you know the complaint was about this prick.

What's 'unpleasant' is haranging teetotal people or anyone who doesn't drink.

So he’s trying to deflect by accusing those he was inappropriate with of bullying.

OP - a few things to consider before you attend that meeting. Asking a colleague why they aren't drinking isn’t automatically a disciplinary matter, but he was persistent.

From what you posted this was a work related social event and as such would be considered an extension of the workplace, so professional conduct is expected. The question was inappropriate - especially as it was asked in front of a group of colleagues. Had he moved on immediately after your first answer, that would have been the end of the matter but he followed up with a specific question after you gave a clear, polite boundary by saying ‘oh you know, reasons’, and that crosses from casual small talk into unprofessional pestering.

His follow-up question might be viewed by HR as a lapse in social awareness but it’s still inappropriate workplace behaviour - he failed to read the social cue you gave him and pushed you to reveal something you clearly wanted to keep private.

What it comes down to is that one employee has made another feel uncomfortable or harassed over their personal choices, and that’s what HR need to know because it could well amount to misconduct under any dignity at work or anti-harassment policies.

Oh, and l echo what others have said here - don’t go into the meeting alone, take someone with you and make sure they take notes.

She didn't fly off the handle.She listed the reasons why someone may not be drinking (presumably such as pregnancy, former alcoholism, religion, hating the taste of alcohol, not liking be drunk).

Why do you think that's 'flying off the handle'?

I would lodge my own complaint about the colleague asking inappropriate questions. Agree with PP, write down everything that was said whilst fresh in your memory. I note a PP mentioning a verbal warning, for your colleague maybe but not you. I wouldn't dream of questioning why someone was drinking alcohol or not.

Sad though, it shows how conditioned we are to immediately think we are at fault

She didn't fly off the handle or lose her temper though. She was just clear, direct and assertive. Often assertiveness in women is labelled as aggression, but it doesn't mean this was.

She squared up to him. That’s not professional. If a man squared up to me at work event id raise a complaint. In most work environments it would be a big deal. It’s the same for both men and women. A direct confrontation would prevent people working well together. Employers need everyone to get find a way to get along. There are a million replies she could have made without seeing red.

OP we’re on page 37. I suspect you’re going to have to start another thread to update us as to the outcome of the meeting !!

It was entirely his fault, he asked one question, wasn't content with the OP's answer and then decided to push it further, in front of other people, who obviously noticed it. The OP did absolutely nothing wrong.