Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Staring at someone when you speak to them unblinking is hostile body language. Saying you raised yourself to your full height is an odd thing to say.
And you admit yourself you were speaking slowly and patronisingly to the person. Who innocently said ‘oh what reasons’.
He was chatting to you. And you went a bit strange on him.
Out of the blue comes this reaction from you.
I would suspect someone else has reported it. And was bothered by what they saw. Does he work in a junior capacity to you ? Do you line manage him ?

I do wonder if there is more to this that we know.
I would ask yourself why you reacted so strongly. All he asked was why you weren’t drinking. He wasn’t being the devil incarnate. I doubt he was asking you in an aggressive way or you would have said.

I don't think it's that intrusive.
As a non-drinker I can tell you that I personally do find it intrusive. I don't even have sensitive reasons for it; I just lost interest in having a hangover and tailed off drinking alcohol a while ago. But it usually means that if I'm in a group of people all attention turns to me, which I hate; and I'm 'on the spot' and have to come up with a reply, which I don't appreciate. I never ask people why they're having a glass of wine. I don't see why people can't extend the same courtesy to someone having a lime and soda.

This could have worked well.
Unfortunately for me, I am too quick to anger (never show it but get flustered while suppressing said irritation and focusing on remaining calm) Wish I was a 'water of the a duck's back' person.

No she should have been professional. Neither her approach nor what you describe are that.

I would interpret this explanation
I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards
as someone who has lost her temper and done their best to embarrass a colleague purposely. He asked a question that you considered inappropriate, you gave an answer that was ambiguous (it could be interpreted that you wanted to engage in further conversation about not drinking) and then you proceeded to embarrass him in front of several colleagues before storming off home like a sulky toddler. If a male colleague spoke to a female colleague in the same manner as you did, they would be justifiably taken to task. As I’ve already said earlier, you have no idea yet who it was that raised the complaint - it could have been any of the witnesses.

Could this thread be a reverse?

Saying you raised yourself to your full height is an odd thing to say.
Why?
I think a lot of people unconsciously slouch, or stand leaning on one hip, or with feet crossed etc, all of which make you look shorter. It can be powerful if you feel you need to be noticed/get your point across to consciously stand up straight and tall.
Plus the OP had been on a coaching course in which she learned about the importance of stance/body language. This isn't something she's pulled out of the air.

I actually think he should be in trouble not you.
He should not have asked that question in the first place, simple as that.

You politely answered his question and then he got intrusive asking again.
If you were a recovering alcoholic for example, or had some medical reason, is it any of his business why you are not drinking.

He's likely reported you because he felt embarrassed in front of others at your reaction.

Some people are always reporting to HR though. This is so minor, they are likely rolling their eyes but need to have the meeting to see what happened just in case.

I would highlight that you were not drinking and that he was.
His initial question was intrusive and then he pressed on despite your polite deflection. Too much drink in him to take the hint.

He was drinking and you were not.
Also male in a group of friends versus woman alone. Who's more likely to be be bullying.
I'd be making those points on top of telling them exactly what happened.
What bloody baby and tosser (he is) for reporting you.

Best of luck on Friday.

It sounds like you humiliated him. I would go down the route of giving him a social cue- which he didn’t read. Then question if his response and the HR enquiry is because you are female. If you’d been an assertive man I do not think this would have escalated and that is infuriating!

I think the best reply would have just been to say I’m allergic to alcohol
What if that's a lie though?
The best scenario would be for people not to think it's OK to ask.

It sounds awful but what helps in these situations is considering the person opposite you as an utter moron who is not worth your anger.

I used to get angry about so many things when I was younger, until I realised that my anger actually stopped having any meaning because it was just a pretty constant state of being. Very little actually angers me now, and that helps, because I know that when I do get angry or offended then something worthy of those feelings has actually happened, and I can then respond appropriately with rage or annoyance if needed.

But in most cases you’re just dealing with an idiot, and they’re not worth the blood pressure.

Why on earth would you think the best reply would be to lie?

Sounds like your response was a bit intimidating. The fact that you state you 'saw red' implies you were raging inside and although you, in your opinion, held your composure, you may have still come across as overly defensive and rude. Also, further down the thread you mention the days of 'squaring up' to people are long gone, which indicates you may have an anger management problem that you are trying to control but is still evident to others.

Good Luck OP

i haven’t read all thread but could someone else have reported to HR because they are fed up of the man? Perhaps they are wanting you in to back up a complaint about his unprofessional behaviour rather than yours? I frequently tell colleagues to report things done/said to them as air builds a case.

disclaimer - im not vindictive but have worked before where no one has said anything and the culprit gets away with it for too long making life uncomfortable for colleagues :)

Well, if the answer was "I'm driving to another work-related event later" then this would be reasonable for a colleague to expect to know. But most of the other reasons, not so much.

The poster isn’t wrong though. My background is disability support and l initially thought this scenario was similar to ‘where are you from’ questioning of a person of colour - only because this kind of questioning can intersect with protected characteristics. But l can see the point being made, that in OP’s situation even without protected characteristics the questioning would still be inappropriate - there’s a difference.

I can also tell you from direct experience in supporting claimants, that it’s very difficult to secure a successful claim for discrimination if an employee has not disclosed a protected characteristic to an employer, unless it can be shown that the employer should reasonably have suspected that one existed. Where a protected characteristic - hidden disability for example - is not immediately obvious, that’s almost impossible.

Can you put in a complaint about him asking an excessively personal question.

There are are some very personal uncomfortable responses to that question he asked:

1. Ive got a uti and I’m on antibiotics
2. I’m a former alcoholic
3. Im pregnant
4. I’m on anti depressants and I can’t drink

Why should someone have to divulge this?

Yes perhaps OP could have been less forthright but equally he shouldn’t have started it. What an idiot.

I'm a drinker but I often don't drink so get these questions quite a lot.
I have been in situations like you say when all attention turns to me and no, I don't like it.
But the majority of the time I just say "I'm not drinking at the moment" and everyone moves on.
Those people who push and push are intrusive, yes.

I suspect he may have told some untruths/exaggerations about what actually happened … that’s unless this isn’t the first time you’ve been spoken to about unprofessional behaviour … because I can’t imagine HR getting involved just based on what you’ve described.

Being asked a potentially sensitive personal question in a group of people its by its nature intrusive.
Those who push I would call 'pushy'. On top of being intrusive.
I don't appreciate it even if it 'only' gets to the point where I have to give a bland reply, with everyone looking at me, even if everyone then moves on.

The point is that what people consider to be professional in a man and in a woman are different. And that should patently not be the case.

And it's not "professional" to ask people why they don't drink alcohol - or at least not to keep asking when the person has fobbed you off the first time.

I agree with this tbh. It sounds like he was butt hurt and not used to being told off.

First off it was absolutely no business of his who was drinking and who wasn't - I honestly thought we were in an age when people didn't ask that any more!

Second, you said you weren't, he had absolutely no right to know why.
He should have just shut up right there and then.

I would guarantee that IN the workplace if you went up to a man and asked what they were doing - as part of their job - and then asked them why they were doing that and not x, they would be curt with you as well. At least I know a lot of engineers in my field would.

I have firmly looked my manager in the eye before when he has been cheeky and asked something re a personal situ that he had 0 need to know further detail for, and told him he is not entitled to know any more than that. As he wasn't.

I suspect it’s more likely about his behaviour than yours. It’s not your job to accommodate the awkwardness that arises from another persons thoughtless comments. Might be worth asking why it’s still considered to be appropriate to serve alcohol at all in these professional moments. Good luck OP

OP said quite clearly that he’s from another department and she had never met him before. And he didn’t ’innocently’ ask ‘what reasons’. He asked why she wasn’t drinking. OP answered with a brush off reply and he persisted. It’s unacceptable to ask anyone why they are not drinking, and even more so to press the questioning after they’ve indicated they’re not willing to disclose.

I don't understand why the OP couldn't have said: "I don't like alcohol".

A simple answer to a very basic question.