Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

This is weirdly familiar as a tactic I've noticed in community sports - one team & its supporters behave badly on the day and are pulled up, in a appropriate way, in the moment and first thing on Monday there's a complaint to the organisation from the aggressors.

In a recent case the managers were forced to investigate - we gave our side of the story, it married up with what other people/witnesses had said and it was all done and dusted. But a waste of time for everyone involved.

He was completely out of line though to a) question you about why you weren't drinking b) refuse to back down and continue asking and c) then make a complain to HR.

How fragile is this little dude? Let him make his complaint and hopefully it will add to a pattern of bad behaviour on his part. Honestly.

Sorry I haven't read all the replies.

I just wanted to update. I'm travelling today so sorry if this is a bit garbled - I'm not giving too much detail for obvious reasons.

Some of you were totally right - someone in the small group I was talking to complained to HR about this guy's behaviour at the event but actually not what happened with me.

Apparently this guy also made some unprofessional comments to someone else (a woman) after I'd gone. That's what the HR complaint was about.

HR summoned him to a meeting about it on Friday. At that meeting, he said he was bullied and ostracised at this event by multiple people including me. HR want my version of the story.

Honestly Monty you either are one of these men or you live under a rock and have never had to deal with one.

Not a man. Just capable of independent thought.
And have not lived my life under a rock !

Best wishes for the meeting on Friday!
I would try to find a polite way of suggesting that while he might feel 'ostracised', if he didn't ask rude inappropriate questions then people wouldn't stop talking to him!

1 It might not be true
2 The truth might not be something she wanted to voice
3 It's none of his business in the first place what she was drinking

Helped your comprehension a bit?

Yay ! It seems common sense may prevail. All the best for a sensible outcome.

Oh, shut up.

I was about to comment saying I wonder if there’s more to the story. What you did was not a problem, men get labelled as being ‘direct and clear’, women ‘aggressive’ when they speak up. I gave up drinking for a year (to try to motivate my alcoholic husband to stop drinking, this was a private reason that I shared with a few very close friends, certainly not at a work event!). I was horrified by how intrusive people are about commenting on sobriety etc. well done you for sticking up for people. HR will need to hear how he was not bullied but had his inappropriate question answered. No bullying involved!

Ah that makes more sense. Possibly others did not like the way he acted with you. Possibly he had a few too many. Separately maybe they ought to re think offering alcohol at work events. It's not an excuse but it does throw up complications especially for those who are trying to refrain.

Thank you very much for this update.

Go into the meeting with your head held high.

Do NOT go into that meeting alone. HR are on the side of whoever is most powerful in the company. They're not neutral, they don't work for you, they don't care about you. Get what happened absolutely rock solid crystal clear, take notes and do not go alone.

he said he was bullied and ostracised at this event by multiple people including me.
Diddums. The lying weasel Made unacceptable comments to a woman and is crying victim. How pathetic.

Not very capable of reading comprehension though, going by your having asked if the OP line managed him when she'd very clearly set out her (non-) relationship to him.

He asked a question that you considered inappropriate,

It was inappropriate, and he asked twice because OP failed to give him the information he wanted the first time he asked.

and then you proceeded to embarrass him in front of several colleagues

How about the fact that he embarrassed OP by asking her an inappropriate question in front of said colleagues ? The truth behind her not drinking could have been any number of reasons that were private and personal, and that she wanted to stay that way. If he is so socially inept not to realise that OP’s first answer was a brush off then maybe it was a lesson he needed to learn.

In whch case make some notes and definitely make sure that you tell HR how uncomfortable he made you feel.

It isn't so much the fact the he initially questioned you about why you were not drinking, (although he really should not have commented) but the fact that after first declining to answer he kept pressing you for reasons. This amount to putting presure on someone to drink alcohol which you should never do.

Update us OP. I'm very invested in this. I think you held your ground, exactly as you should have done and I hope that continues.

Ah, that makes sense.

I was going to suggest that you say to HR that felt bullied by his repeated questioning about your drink choice; that he made you feel marginalised for not drinking the same as everyone else.

I don't think you did anything wrong op. Well, perhaps you went a little over the top 😃

Yup. Alcoholics in recovery don't drink alcohol. Or maybe her father was a violent drunk and she avoids it because of that. Or maybe she has a health condition ori taking meds that interact with alcohol. Or maybe she just finds drunks disgusting.

Or maybe any one of a dozen reasons - all of which have one thing in common, they're not his business, not even remotely.

I’m a woman who works in a male dominated environment, there is a way to close down conversation in a professional manner, that is commensurate to the conversation,

yes it was an inappropriate question, he clearly didn’t understand , he’d never met you before and I assume was making small talk, still he should have said ok and let it go.

howevee your response was aggressive and confrontational. It was an unnecessary response to the question, you could easily have said simply, private reasons and walked away.

sometimes training is not good, irrelevant of the gender, if it doesn’t teach the person when to use it, and when not.

Nah.

I think academic HR have got particularly good reasons to be vigilant. There have been quite a number of high profile cases at Cambridge (pre Jason Arday) in which academics (typically male) have displayed a pattern of behaviour which has gone unchecked for a very long time. Often these incidents - taken singly - are 'low level' but cumulatively they can be damaging. People find it hard to speak up because they don't want to seem 'uncollegiate' or risk their own careers in an environment where employment can be quite insecure and 'getting on with people' is seen as important in terms of promotion. The website https://21percent.org/ is an eye opener. This story - in which alcohol consumption is involved is a case in point. https://www.telegraph.co.uk/gift/065c646f047c13b3

In your shoes, OP, I would go with the fact that the question was unnecessarily intrusive and aggressive. After all, what would the main reasons for not drinking be? Former alcohol issues or pregnancy are the two that come to mind. I'm not saying either of those are true in your case, but they are both the sort of thing that are none of that colleague's business.

Added: sorry, didn't see your update!

Textbook dicktim.

Thanks for the update.
Interesting that some PPs got it spot on about it being someone else complaining about him, not him complaining about you.
Hopefully you are somewhat relieved.