Working with someone who’s so socially awkward they come across rude.

[peptual]

I work with a guy, he’s about 30 and very good at his job, very focused. But he comes across rude. He seems to struggle to call people by their names, it’s like it’s too personal for him. And he doesn’t ever ask questions about what someone did on their day off. He’s lacking the standard adult interactions you should have around your working day.
Is it appropriate to say something? I understand some people are painful shy but as an older person I except a bit more personal skills and think mentioning might help him out.

He seems to struggle to call people by their names, it’s like it’s too personal for him.
So what? As long as he's not going "oi, you" how exactly does this affect you?

And he doesn’t ever ask questions about what someone did on their day off.
So what? How exactly does this affect you? Most people ask just to be polite, they don't actually care what you did on your day off.

He’s lacking the standard adult interactions you should have around your working day.
Just sounds like he can't be bothered with pointless chit chat. Again, how does that actually affect you?

Lots of people find these questions invasive
Lots don’t care what the answer is anyway
For a lot of ND people it would never cross their mind to ask in the first place
Many others just want to get on with their work and not chit chat

Your way OP isn’t the right way, it’s just your way
Leave the guy alone and stop judging

I think it’s such a shame that someone would feel unable to say someone’s name, so instead they just blurt out a question and you look up from your screen wondering if he’s looking at you or someone else.
I think it’s a shame someone would feel uncomfortable talking about a small part of their life outside of work. ND or not, it seems a bit sad!
I’m also surprised that so many people on this post feel that way.. don’t you want connection? It must be a lonely life spending hours with people and feeling so disconnected from them, and not only that, actively stopping connection.
I guess we’re all different, and this post has opened my eyes a little to the socially awkward people who really cannot push themselves :-(

He might feel the same away about you! He might wonder how little you have in your life that you need to force yourself to make idle chatter and try and connect to people in order to feel less lonely. He might think you’re socially awkward too and wish you’d just get on with your job! It might not be the case, but always worth exploring the other side.

Everyone is different, but some people always think their way is the best way.

Maybe he just likes it that way? Everyone is different. I have a ND colleague who refuses to chat to people at work. She says "we are here to work". She also opts out of anything social (so do I tbf). She will chat a bit in the tea room, but that's it. When she's at her desk, not a word. I think she's great and she's actually correct - work is the point of going to work. Chat is optional.

Same with your colleague - he may need a question answered but saying your name may not be what he wants to do. And anyway, I'd far prefer that over people over using people's first names. Gives me the creeps; "oh Sandra, could you please give me those numbers Sandra? Sandra, you're such a star Sandra" yeeeuck

I have a few colleagues like this at work - one is like this because she really just doesn’t give a shit about any one other than herself, one is like this because they’re quiet and one is like this because they’re rude and they’re selective over who they’re interested in. I just get on with my day and don’t let it bother me. Not everyone is the same and that is why different is great as a world where everyone is the same will be very dull.

Aww I think it's a shame that you can't imagine how it must be to experience the world differently and are stuck inside your own narrow perspective. It's a bit sad that you can't understand that not everyone is or should be the same. There's not one standard that everyone should push themselves to fit into, people are made with different strengths. If anything stands out from your posts it's that the person in your workplace who needs to work on themselves is you. Your work probably can give you some equality and diversity training if you let them know that you're finding it hard to be accepting of others.

You haven’t answered any of the questions about whether you are this individual’s manager or whether you are just looking to get involved with something that’s not any of your business.

How patronising. You are imposing your own ideas of "correct" behaviour on someone else. And they are your own ideas - not some universal standard that everyone else in the world, other than your unfortunate workmate, adheres to.

Is it really such a problem, when the person asks a question without attaching a name, to say "Were you asking me?" and then answer? Maybe it was a general question not aimed at anyone in particular, rather than, as you weirdly imagine, that your workmate feels unable to say someone's name.

Why should they "push themselves" just to meet your criteria? I wouldn’t want to work with someone who obviously feels as superior as you do.

It's so sad that some people's only source of entertainment is to post goady threads on anonymous internet forums. What a sad lonely life they must lead.

Wow. You really are coming across from these posts as a narrow minded, intolerant and unpleasant person. Ever thought perhaps that's the reason he doesn't like talking to you?

I agree. No offense intended Peptual, but you don't sound like a social butterfly yourself. Is it possible you are inadvertently offending people?

Sorry I haven’t meant to be goady or patronising. I understand it’s hit a nerve with a few people who obviously feel this way. I guess not everyone can be confident and sociable in life. I guess it just helps in the workplace!?

On the flipside, in some workplaces people would rather you cracked on and did your job than spent a lot of time chatting shit about your weekend.

Also, YABU to assume introverted people are lonely and sad because they don't socialise much with work colleagues, especially if they know they're being judged by people like you who can't tolerate people being different. Wouldn't you keep yourself to yourself if you were autistic or just naturally introverted and you were surrounded by people you thought weren't likely to "get" you, or might make fun of you for having unusual hobbies or being weird or boring if you did talk about the stuff you do outside?

Have a good think about whether you are coming across as a safe person for those who might be quiet, shy, not socially confident or ND to interact with, before you judge them for not interacting "correctly" with you. I can tell you, as an autistic woman who's been on the end of plenty of mean girl behaviour, I can spot mean girl vibes a mile off, and your posts are giving mean girl. You are not entitled to anybody else's time or interest just for existing in the same work space.

It’s ok, I don’t think you’ve hit a nerve. Maybe have a think about why you feel the need to do this in a workplace when others don’t really care? You can be confident and social without having to make small talk. Some people are just very content with their lives and have so much going on outside work with family and friends that they don’t feel the need to bother with small talk.

Some industries work better when you’ve got secure happy people in their personal lives that they just want to get on with the work and have fun at home. It’s certainly the case for where I work, but it’s a fast paced, high earning industry.

Maybe this is your social life and the work is secondary. That’s ok, and I hope you get what you want out of it. But just remember, its not like that for others, and I really hope you find your people!!

This thread reminds me that I am so happy to work in a field that attracts many neurodiverse individuals.

I'll help you out OP. I've got AuDHD and just from your posts I can tell I would behave like your colleague around you. There are so many unwritten rules and 'should be's and pitying vibes coming from you and I don't have the social battery to even attempt to decipher them, so I'd leave well enough alone and keep to myself. And trust me its not for lack of trying. I tried so hard to fit in and be liked in my teenage years I got taken advantage of time and time again. I learnt my lesson the hard way and so now I'm naturally wary of who I let into my social circle.
Don't get me wrong, put me in the right company and I'm the life and soul of the party, but I have to feel unjudged with the company first to let myself free!

I'm not sure from your posts, whether you come across as socially able, or overbearing and too much at work.

Some of your phrasing shows a lack of flexibility - which is the ultimate social skill. "As an older person I except a bit more personal skills" - what does this even mean?

Using the word shame is ironic OP
Maybe something you should feel for being so narrow minded!

My teenage DD struggles to use people’s names, even kids her own age. I was the same, but primarily with adults (even aunts/uncles!).

I grew out of it/overcame it and I hope DD does the same.

I’m not sure I would notice it if a colleague had the same issue, but I can imagine it could come across as impolite, but I’ve worked with some pretty awful people on my time so I wouldn’t care about something so minor!

OP, in the kindest way, I agree and you are coming across as a bit hard of thinking. It's not about pushing themselves.

Maybe spend less time chatting at work and spend that time finding out about neuro diversity, different people and personality types.

who really cannot push themselves :-(

Accusations are often admissions.

You've just admitted that talking to people requires "pushing" oneself. In other words, it consumes a person's energy to do so.

Autistic people, like I am, have very limited resources available for social interaction. I met my sister for two hours today and had to sleep for three hours afterwards because two hours of conversation takes so much out of me. Why would I choose to expend my limited resources on the people who I didn't actually choose to be around when doing so will compromise both my ability to do my job and my ability to spend time with the people I do choose to be around outside of work?

Generally, the tone of your posts comes across as judgemental and loner-shaming. You're using the same kind of language that my grandmother would use about people whose shoes were unpolished. "It's a shame" and "I'm surprised [that people have differing priorities from me]". I don't think I'd like working with you.

The enormous irony is that, over a long time, the colleagues I have come to get on with, and will sometimes talk about books, music, and films with, are the ones who respect my need for peace. The ones who try to force conversations with me, I try to leave the room when they come into it.

I guess not everyone can be confident and sociable in life.

Walk out on stage and play a set in front of 2,000 people as part of a music ensemble that rehearses twice per week, then you can lecture me on confidence and sociability.

I’m confident and can be sociable when I need to. Doesn’t mean I particularly enjoy having the same exchange with multiple people in the day.

I think you have hit a nerve with many mumsnetters.

There are countless threads on mumsnet from women who claim they hate people, hate social interaction, won't answer the phone or the door, hate having visitors, don't want to be friendly with work colleagues etc.

Having said that, you do need to accept your colleague's quirkiness and if he is ND, which he is by the sound of it, you just need to make allowances for him and accept him for who he is.

I'm happy to pass the time of day with my workmates (yes they are workmates, not just colleagues in my case), but we are all too busy to spend much time chatting, so we don't.

And we do have someone on our team who sounds very much like your colleague, so we just let her get on with it and don't force her to join in any odd banter if there is any.