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Working with someone who’s so socially awkward they come across rude.

206 replies

peptual · 17/02/2026 09:07

I work with a guy, he’s about 30 and very good at his job, very focused. But he comes across rude. He seems to struggle to call people by their names, it’s like it’s too personal for him. And he doesn’t ever ask questions about what someone did on their day off. He’s lacking the standard adult interactions you should have around your working day.
Is it appropriate to say something? I understand some people are painful shy but as an older person I except a bit more personal skills and think mentioning might help him out.

OP posts:
OhBumBags · 17/02/2026 10:06

Whether he is or isn't autistic is irrelevant.

The fact is, he's not doing anything wrong, he's just not acting in a way the OP wants him to.

I'm not quite sure what gives her the right to think he should do.

Bananafofana · 17/02/2026 10:07

Well you’ve just described my DH. He would find you the rude one for asking what he did on his day off. He wouldn’t ask you as he thinks it’s none of his business and if you want to share, you’ll tell him.

Unless it’s part of this chap’s JD to make idle chit chat it’s not a performance issue. Not using names is only an issue if it’s not clear who is being referred to - that could be fed back in a clear and factual manner.

ForFunGoose · 17/02/2026 10:09

Some people like chit chat others don’t!
Nothing you described makes him rude imo
Live and let live OP and use this as a sign to be more aware of your own patterns and behaviours. Do people really want to chat as much as you do? My bet is you’re as socially unaware as he is.

Squirrel60 · 17/02/2026 10:11

Don't say anything at all to him about his behaviour.

So he doesn't ask anyone about their boring trips to Butlins or what they had for breakfast. So what?

The ''rude'' one is YOU.

Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable around women, he might be autistic or have some other similar thing, or he might be painfully shy, or he might just prefer to get on with his job without all the stupid unnecessary prattling on that other workers do.

Leave the poor lad alone. He's hard-working and quiet. He sounds lovely.

ClairDeLaLune · 17/02/2026 10:15

People aren’t all the same OP, and imo that’s a very good thing. He probably thinks he’s there to work so he works. He maybe likes to keep his work life and social life separate. There’s nothing wrong with either of these at all. It’s a workplace not a social club. Of course you shouldn’t say anything. You should respect him for being his own person and butt out.

ForRosePoster · 17/02/2026 10:18

OhBumBags · 17/02/2026 09:41

you don’t actually care or want to know, it’s something that’s just said as a tick box.

This may be the case in your workplace but it's certainly not in mine, or in a few other places I've worked in.

Most of us get on really well and actually do care.

That doesn't mean everyone really does care, many people are good at performing these social interactions that others like.

And even if someone does really care, maybe they'd prefer not to have all this private information about someone else and be seen as an emotional support for others.

Maybe some people are really weighed down by it and would have a much better working life if people were just doing their jobs and sought social and emotional support outside work.

PineappleMelon · 17/02/2026 10:18

It’s important to you.
It’s not important to him.

Isthatsoandso · 17/02/2026 10:21

DeltaVariant · 17/02/2026 09:15

This.

I am autistic, painfully introverted and excellent at my job. The office small talk and other bullshit politics wipe me out. Sadly the NTs don’t seem to value being truly excellent at a job or at least they didn’t in my workplace, the chatty time wasters were the ones who were given the most praise!

No leave him alone. Unless he’s actively being unprofessional.

This. I feel the same.

OhBumBags · 17/02/2026 10:25

ForRosePoster · 17/02/2026 10:18

That doesn't mean everyone really does care, many people are good at performing these social interactions that others like.

And even if someone does really care, maybe they'd prefer not to have all this private information about someone else and be seen as an emotional support for others.

Maybe some people are really weighed down by it and would have a much better working life if people were just doing their jobs and sought social and emotional support outside work.

My reply was to TY78910 who said...

"you don’t actually care or want to know, it’s something that’s just said as a tick box." Because that's what it's like in her culture.

If you read our exchange again in context, you'll see I was simply pointing out that some people do care.

Not that everyone should.

This man is guilty of nothing except not behaving in a way that personally pleases the OP.

Not that the OP has bothered coming back of course.

SunsetValley · 17/02/2026 10:26

ForRosePoster · 17/02/2026 10:18

That doesn't mean everyone really does care, many people are good at performing these social interactions that others like.

And even if someone does really care, maybe they'd prefer not to have all this private information about someone else and be seen as an emotional support for others.

Maybe some people are really weighed down by it and would have a much better working life if people were just doing their jobs and sought social and emotional support outside work.

I find this kind of musher a bit depressing. You’re at work 50 hours a week and want to just sit in silence, or fake being nice to people? In teams where colleagues get on, there is a genuine interest and that helps with morale massively, to work with people you can chat and laugh with.

I’m not a super happy person (lol), but the happiest people I do know tend to make friends wherever they go, rather than shutting off because the have enough mates, or they’re at work and not here to make friends.

OTOH, if I found someone rude or just not very chatty, I wouldn’t attempt to call them out on it. I’d try to include them in conversation, but if they want to be alone, leave them be. Keep it to ‘hi’ and ‘bye’.

OriginalUsername2 · 17/02/2026 10:30

Leave him alone, he clearly struggles socially but does his work well. It’s on you if you can’t handle someone not being able to make small talk. Why do you feel so uncomfortable?

Teresavonlichenstein · 17/02/2026 10:30

dizzydizzydizzy · 17/02/2026 09:17

My exact thought. Autism is a disability and you would potentially be asking him to do something that his disability prevents him from doing. If he has a special interest, he would probably enjoy talking about that. That might make him open up a little more.

This. My step son is 30 he is diagnosed autism and in old diagnosis was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome at a young age now reframed under the ASC umbrella, HR are aware at work but not his colleagues. You don’t need to disclose this.

He has a 1st class degree and he is amazing at work - works with numbers. He will not progress as he has tried numerous times but he has very limited social skills. Very limited. The next stage up would to manage a team of people and he would have massive challenges to do this.

His life consists of:
Getting up and work (online or office) he logs on at exactly the right time and off when work is done even if late. He has no eye contact, he knows no one - no one has ever invited him for an office drink or coffee or anything. He wouldn’t dream of asking someone what they did on a day off - he wouldn’t dream of it and would see that as overstepping boundaries. He masks heavily at work as he has serious tics such as head banging (which can be scary to witness) when stressed or others such as hard rubbing of his thighs or jerking - he has to mask these at work and he is drained after. He then goes home and can’t do anything.

if a colleague asked ‘what did you do yesterday after work?’ The answer would be nothing as he has done nothing.

if a colleague told him he was being rude by being too focussed on his work or whatever he would very upset.

Ask him if he wants a cup of tea and otherwise leave him alone. You can’t cure autism - I’m not saying that is what he has but he is doing you no harm.

Ladamesansmerci · 17/02/2026 10:33

I'm neurodiverse (ADHD and probable undiagnosed autism), and I actually think social skills within the workplace are important. It would be pretty darn miserable if everyone sat in silence and never spoke. It wouldn't be helpful for team morale or teamwork 🤷 I actually find it sad that people are quite happy to say they aren't interested and don't give a shit about people they see for several hours everyday. I like my work colleagues. We confide in each other, and have each other's backs. I make an effort to get to know anyone new as I want them to feel supported and part of the team. I do work in an emotionally challenging job (mental health nursing), so maybe it's different for us. I love our random office conversations. My team are also very accepting of me (I come across quite eccentric), and don't care when I do things like take my jellycats (special interest) into work. Last week we were all thinking of names for my new pigeon plushie together and dressed him up 😁 I still have good boundaries. We don't speak outside of work, and they're not my lifelong besties, but there is a lot of trust and laughter between us. I actually just don't think it's that difficult to give someone a couple of mins of your time. I appear to the in the minority, but why on earth wouldn't I care about people I see more than my own spouse throughout the week? Not everyone is the same ofc, and it's absolutely fine to be shy and introverted (either through neurodivergence or because that's just your personality), but it makes for a far nicer environment if you do show a bit of interest in each other. In my job, when you're dealing with people who are traumatised, and suicidal, or psychotic, or aggressive, sometimes you need to be able cry or vent to someone who works in the same role who gets it.

Also, I was chronically shy and awkward as a child. I really appreciated extraverted people who would take the time to ask me questions and speak to me. I struggled to lead conversation as a young person. I'm not very good at small talk, but it's more like I just don't know what to say. This guy clearly works hard, so I absolutely would not make him feel bad by having a word with him. If he is someone who just likes to come to work, is not interested in his work colleagues, and go home, that's fine. I find it a bit sad, but that's his choice and his way to live his life. You can't expect everyone to act the same, and as long as it is affecting his performance because he can't work with others, it doesn't matter. However he could just be very shy and struggle socially. In which case, have you tried showing a bit of curiosity about him, and have you taken the time to get to know him? Some people shine when others lead the conversation. Obviously if he seems uncomfortable stop straight away, but some people truly are just shy. It doesn't mean they don't like talking.

Tacohill · 17/02/2026 10:35

You need to realise that not everyone is exactly like you and there will be things that you do that other people don’t like.

I am autistic. My slightly awkward/interaction issues are me trying my hardest to be ‘normal’ and no amount of someone telling me to be different will help - it actually makes it worse and it’s why I’m so awkward because I don’t know how to act.

You wouldn’t tell someone who is deaf to listen better - you would do things like talk slower and clearer.

I have been told by many people that I am one of the favourite employees and the team all love me. We have many repeat customers based purely on my interaction with them etc - but that’s because my colleagues never pressured me to fit in or ask me too many personal questions.
When I first started I could barely look or speak to them but now I am very comfortable around them all and we all have a great relationship because I’m never being pressured to try and be something I’m not.

TY78910 · 17/02/2026 10:44

OhBumBags · 17/02/2026 10:25

My reply was to TY78910 who said...

"you don’t actually care or want to know, it’s something that’s just said as a tick box." Because that's what it's like in her culture.

If you read our exchange again in context, you'll see I was simply pointing out that some people do care.

Not that everyone should.

This man is guilty of nothing except not behaving in a way that personally pleases the OP.

Not that the OP has bothered coming back of course.

There are over 500 people in my workplace. Not everyone is going to build relationships with everyone where there is genuine desire to know. Sure, your immediate teams / departments will have that level.

The context to what I said is that culturally if I sit down with you for a coffee and ask how you are you know it’s a genuine question. But here you tend to say hey how are you to anyone and everyone, whether you know them well or not. If someone in the break room you’ve met once before replied with ‘actually, pretty shit. My cat threw up everywhere, my kids put 3 toilet rolls in the loo, my mental state is in the gutter, I fantasise about running off with George clooney’ you’d think Jesus Janet, that’s not part of the script. That’s what I mean by people not caring. Not that they don’t have empathy and if you sat down and had that conversation you wouldn’t care, but when the question is thrown in a workplace setting, most of the time you’re not looking for an actual answer. The answer 9/10 times will be ‘I’m good thanks and you?’ ‘Yes good thanks’.

Oftenaddled · 17/02/2026 10:46

TY78910 · 17/02/2026 10:44

There are over 500 people in my workplace. Not everyone is going to build relationships with everyone where there is genuine desire to know. Sure, your immediate teams / departments will have that level.

The context to what I said is that culturally if I sit down with you for a coffee and ask how you are you know it’s a genuine question. But here you tend to say hey how are you to anyone and everyone, whether you know them well or not. If someone in the break room you’ve met once before replied with ‘actually, pretty shit. My cat threw up everywhere, my kids put 3 toilet rolls in the loo, my mental state is in the gutter, I fantasise about running off with George clooney’ you’d think Jesus Janet, that’s not part of the script. That’s what I mean by people not caring. Not that they don’t have empathy and if you sat down and had that conversation you wouldn’t care, but when the question is thrown in a workplace setting, most of the time you’re not looking for an actual answer. The answer 9/10 times will be ‘I’m good thanks and you?’ ‘Yes good thanks’.

Yes, exactly.

Then there's the classic exchange -

How do you do?

Answer: How do you do?

Replying as to how you are would be a breach of etiquette

JLou08 · 17/02/2026 10:48

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 17/02/2026 09:44

How arrogant of you to assume that because YOU don't care about other people's welfare and well being, that i don't.....does everyone have to be like you?

Caring about someone welfare and wellbeing is not the same as caring about what they did at the weekend. Not being interested about what rooms someone decorated, what they ate for dinner, what park they visited, what they watched on TV etc does not mean no care for their wellbeing. I've found those less inclined for small talk are usually the best to talk to in a crisis, they actually listen and advise whereas those who like small talk can be quick to try and move it on to a happier topic.

ForRosePoster · 17/02/2026 10:48

SunsetValley · 17/02/2026 10:26

I find this kind of musher a bit depressing. You’re at work 50 hours a week and want to just sit in silence, or fake being nice to people? In teams where colleagues get on, there is a genuine interest and that helps with morale massively, to work with people you can chat and laugh with.

I’m not a super happy person (lol), but the happiest people I do know tend to make friends wherever they go, rather than shutting off because the have enough mates, or they’re at work and not here to make friends.

OTOH, if I found someone rude or just not very chatty, I wouldn’t attempt to call them out on it. I’d try to include them in conversation, but if they want to be alone, leave them be. Keep it to ‘hi’ and ‘bye’.

This is the thing, you find my post depressing because you assume how it would effect you. You find it helps morale for you, you don't think about the people for whom it's tedious or difficult or plain depressing.

The last job I had before WFH permanently, it was a small team and I had one colleague going through a difficult divorce, one with 2 SEN adult kids with their own lives and DC she was constantly stressed by, one whose elderly Mother was on the brink of going into a care home and one who was a very good friend of mine who was literally dying of cancer. And a colleague with SEN who drained the life out of and bullying my colleague and friend with cancer.

It was shit and depressing as hell listening to everyone's problems day in day out. I did care but I didn't want to have to, I wanted everyone to just get on with jobs and leave me alone, apart from my friend with cancer where all of our talk about that was outside work anyway.

I became the way I am now because of years of being burdened with other peoples stresses and problems.

But I'd be the one considered rude now because of not wanting to ask my colleagues how their weekend was.

How about it's rude to bring your personal problems into work?

Octavia64 · 17/02/2026 10:49

Unless you are his mentor or are in some other way responsible for his career development fgs don’t say anything.

ShowmetheMapletree · 17/02/2026 10:52

I do think it would be extremely rude to say something op. You're colleagues, not friends. As long as the man hasn't broken staff conduct policy, than you've no business policing his personality. How would you feel, should somebody comment on your personality? Think how that would feel.

Tickingcrocodile · 17/02/2026 10:54

He’s lacking the standard adult interactions you should have around your working day.

Who decides what these "standard interactions" you "should have" are? Whether or not this guy is ND or just doesn't like to chat this post has hit the nail on the head about why so many ND people struggle in the workplace even though they can complete many jobs well. Arbitrary social rules and expectations that make life so difficult.

ShowmetheMapletree · 17/02/2026 10:57

Tickingcrocodile · 17/02/2026 10:54

He’s lacking the standard adult interactions you should have around your working day.

Who decides what these "standard interactions" you "should have" are? Whether or not this guy is ND or just doesn't like to chat this post has hit the nail on the head about why so many ND people struggle in the workplace even though they can complete many jobs well. Arbitrary social rules and expectations that make life so difficult.

This ^
Exactly, and I would rather this, than somebody rabbit on about themselves with vacuous chit chat, not letting the other person get a word in edgeways.

BillieWiper · 17/02/2026 11:00

Maybe he doesn't give a flying fig what you did on your day off? He's there to work and clearly doesn't want to make friends or do small talk.

Telling him you think he's rude because you think it will 'help' him makes you sound just as hard work to be around as he is.

Just because he's younger than you doesn't mean you can give him unwanted 'advice' about your opinion on his apparent failures in his character.

StormyLandCloud · 17/02/2026 11:04

Certainly autistic traits there, just chat to him and don’t expect him to match your social / work interactions, that’s what ASD people often do when masking / mimicking, but that’s not their norm so don’t feel bullying him /training him is ‘correct’ because it’s not

Nottodaty · 17/02/2026 11:12

I can’t say whether he is autistic or not - it isn’t anyone else’s business either.

The job is done well, he is just not meeting your social expectations.

My husband is very good at his job, he is also very good at small talk. Recent feedback he is a very private person, someone didn’t realise he was even married. Correct he is a very private person who doesn’t share personal information not relevant to his work ..it’s really knocked him as he can’t or doesn’t want to change that side of him it’s just who he is, usually by the small talk he’s covered that side (weather/holidays etc) thankfully his manager has ignored the feedback as it’s again linked to someone’s else expectations rather than any relevance to the job and work output.

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