Working with someone who’s so socially awkward they come across rude.

[peptual]

I work with a guy, he’s about 30 and very good at his job, very focused. But he comes across rude. He seems to struggle to call people by their names, it’s like it’s too personal for him. And he doesn’t ever ask questions about what someone did on their day off. He’s lacking the standard adult interactions you should have around your working day.
Is it appropriate to say something? I understand some people are painful shy but as an older person I except a bit more personal skills and think mentioning might help him out.

This is the bit I’m missing. I am helpful towards colleagues, offer support in areas I’m more experienced in, respond quickly to requests for information…

But if I’m not interested in Geoff going ten pin bowling on Saturday I’m not a team player?

But NT people have feelings too! You’re exaggerating. Asking “how was your weekend” three times a day isn’t spending all day lying.

ND and antisocial people need to make efforts too. No one is asking them to change or put a mask on all day, it’s just quick courtesy.

Your job is quite unique in that your relationship colleagues is less important than your relationship with your class. You’re not really a team in the same sense as in a lot of jobs.

But also, sitting alone in a small school staff room without talking to people would come across as stand offish. I think it’s perfectly fine not to talk the whole break, especially in a role that’s so demanding socially, but a quick 5 min chat and joke may make for a nicer working and school atmosphere, that sitting there keeping to yourself.

No, you should leave him alone and accept that people are different.

If he's the same with everyone then I'd just ignore etc. If it's just with you then that's another thing. Presumably IT/engineer?

Becasue at first everyone thought she was just very shy and just wanted to make her feel welcome. When they realised that it wasn't just shyness then they just left her alone.

The problem is that when there is a problem she never says anything to our line manager and then the issue escalates out of control, when all it takes is for her to just ask for help.

I've always found small talk very difficult. So attempting a 5 minute chat is unfortunately more likely to result in awkwardness than a nice atmosphere. And it's not as rewarding as doing my job well. And makes me feel rubbish when conversation is stilted.

I'm not rude, I do respond when people talk to me. I think it's probably obvious that I'm not good at it. Chatty people sometimes like me because I've not got a lot to say!

This is so true about redundancies. Additionally, union reps are kept very busy supporting colleagues / friends who at some point find themselves having grievances with one another. These work friendships are great ...until they're not. When colleagues / friends clash, they tend to dig deep into the trenches when composing their union statements. For example if the guy in the OP was asked everyday what he did last night and responded he had a glass of wine and played a game of cards believe me that would be construed as a raging alcoholic with a gambling addiction. Sometimes (not always) the desire to want 'everyone' to engage in small talk is not always what it seems! (Maybe the guy in the OP learned this the hard way so he now chooses to keep quiet?).

It is great to be a good fit and many lifelong friendships have originated in the workplace but always be mindful that people may harm you to succeed.

(feigning if you have to)

Is lying.

three times a day

I work with a lot of people. If I asked each of them how their weekend was, I would be asking it a lot more than three times and I'd get nothing done.

No one is asking them to change or put a mask on all day

Telling someone to do something differently to how they would choose to do it is the definition of asking them to change, and it requires them to put on a mask. Being around any human, including my own family, requires me to mask.

If you ask me how my weekend was, I have to perform a mental calculus of "Is this person asking sincerely or insincerely? Can I trust them with an honest answer?" There's an inner flowchart I follow and it takes time.

What's telling is the number of senior people where I work who ask "how are you?", wait a beat whilst I start the flowchart, and then, before I've answered, plough on in with whatever they wanted to ask me about. They all instantly put themselves in the "do not trust" category by doing this, because their failure to wait for an answer tells me that the question is an insincere script they follow to make themselves look "nice" when they are not. If they were actually nice, they'd wait for my answer.

Now, my colleagues can collectively make me follow that inner flowchart several times per day to perform fake "niceness", or they can stick to work-related discussion. I would enormously prefer the latter.

Searches high and low for OP...

This sounds very much like a you problem OP. Back off.

Telling someone to do something differently to how they would choose to do

Is a perfectly natural and common thing to do. Why are we now living in a world where people think being totally inflexible is acceptable? People naturally change their behaviour, it’s part of life.

You don’t literally have to ask every staff member how their weekend was. You can ask 2 people one week, 3 people the next, another 2 the next. It’s just showing general care and being seen to make an effort in getting to know people. No one’s suggesting asking anything overly personal or lengthy, it’s just a quick courtesy.

Is someone asks how your weekend was, a simple “good thanks, it was a wet one though wasn’t it!”, “lovely thanks, just a chilled family one”, or “oh tiring, we went to xyz, lovely but the weekend goes too quickly doesn’t it!”. You don’t have to give a thorough report, you don’t even need to tell the truth. It’s a pleasantry which gets easier with practice. I’m sure, like everyone, you’ve developed skills over the course of your life.

It sounds like we’re different people with different approaches to work, colleagues and social ways. That’s ok, but people learn new skills all the time, even ND people can learn new skills. No one’s asking you to mask your whole working life.

You’re not at work to socialise but work. If he’s very good at his job then leave him alone. He might be shy, quiet, autistic or just want privacy. Some people don’t want to chat at work. Some people find chatting annoying at work when they are trying to concentrate. Not sure why you’re so offended that he doesn’t ask about your private life (or share details of his).

Did you work in a school by any chance?

I absolutely hate people asking me what I did on my day off/ weekends, it makes me feel so self-conscious. I'd happily work with him! HTH.

Why would he be interested in your days off? I wouldn’t be…

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas I empathise with you.

I'm also a teacher, also autistic and have had to learn to do small talk. I like my colleagues and am interested in their lives but can find too much socialising tiring.

My compromise is to have a catch up first thing in the morning but to avoid the staffroom at lunchtime. After being with children all morning (and knowing that I have the afternoon ahead) I prefer to eat lunch at my desk and have some quiet time to myself.

you don’t even need to tell the truth

I do need to tell the truth, because:

1. I can't remember what lie I've told to who, so then I risk getting caught lying and once you've lied to someone, they can never trust you to tell the truth again.
2. Lying feels physically uncomfortable. My tongue gets hot and dry in my mouth, as if it doesn't want to say the untrue words.
3. When, in the past, I've given the polite "fine, thanks" lie at the start of what only I found out five minutes later was a meeting to address a complaint someone had made about me, it's been used against me by people with the power to fire me to accuse me of not having a good reason to be completely zoned out and not greeting customers or being gentle with their shopping after being left staffing a checkout for over five hours without a break. (And before you say "you should have called for a break", autistic = poor interroception + poor sense of time + situational dyspraxia = inability to recognise that I am dehydrated and tired + inability to realise that I've been on shift for too long + loss of coordination when under physical stress.)

So I am going to tell the truth, because I'm not going to do a psychologically and physically uncomfortable thing, only to risk being distrusted or fired.

It's time for the NTs to accommodate the autistic people, because you have no idea how hard we work to try to accommodate you.

No one’s asking you to mask your whole working life.

Yes, you are. People who talk to themselves, hum, rock, and fidget are not tolerated in an open-plan office. I spend eight hours per day masking just to suppress that.

https://www.durham.ac.uk/research/current/thought-leadership/autistic-six-times-more-likely-to-attempt-suicide/

Camouflaging autistic behaviours – such as adjusting your behaviour to fit into certain social situations (such as forcing eye contact) – has also been linked to increased risk of suicide.

Stop telling us to mask, because you are killing us, literally.

I had a colleague like this at one time, was also older than him, as you have said you are. The rest of the office was small, and all women colleagues.

He was great at his job but I remember there was the thing about skirting around names and so on, which seemed a bit off.

After a few months it turned out that he was having an absolutely horrific time in his personal life, among other things dealing with caring for his terminally ill mother, and losing the flat he was renting. Came out (privately) because it was just not possible to cover it up. He didn't want sympathy. He certainly didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to know about Angela's wedding planning or Pam's birdwatching and had no bandwidth for cheery chatting - this was as far from his reality as it could probably be. He really needed the job and the money, and his behaviour was probably a combination of hugely distracted and very stressed. Hopefully this is not the case for your office as I would not wish it on anyone.

I used to work in medical science. There is a lot of ND. Acceptance is the key!

Leave him alone.

My sister is ND and is extremely awkward socially. She's never managed to be hired for a job via a formal interview. Instead she's gone in as a temp and they've asked her to stay and go perm. And thats because she's good at her job, even though she struggles massively with social chit chat.

She would find it very stressful if someone 'had a word' with her about it.

I'd be delighted not to be asked what I did on my day off. I'd much rather be asked what good things are going on work wise. My social life is very different to many others, so it takes lots of mental energy to decide what to filter out and what to share. Autistic people are very honest - so if you asked what I did at the weekend and I went to the dump and did personal admin and household chores I'd tell you but it's truly not that interesting is it?! Most of my weekends are about recovering from sensory over stimulation during the week.

You’re older than him but are you actually in a position of authority over him? Ie, are you his manager? If not, what makes you qualified to give him a review of his performance and suggest improvements?