Working with someone who’s so socially awkward they come across rude.

[peptual]

I work with a guy, he’s about 30 and very good at his job, very focused. But he comes across rude. He seems to struggle to call people by their names, it’s like it’s too personal for him. And he doesn’t ever ask questions about what someone did on their day off. He’s lacking the standard adult interactions you should have around your working day.
Is it appropriate to say something? I understand some people are painful shy but as an older person I except a bit more personal skills and think mentioning might help him out.

We have been through two reorganisations in five years. Yes, we have been competing for jobs.

The problem is that there's no knowing what your employer will drop on you in the future.

How hard is it to learn Polish and what's the job market like over there?

I don't know. I hope all the Polish mumsnetters wouldn't be posting about their weird new colleague who keeps demanding information about their health and social lives while they're trying to get some work done, if we made it over there ...

You sound quite rude yourself tbh, and lacking in empathy. Not great for relationship building.

If a grown adult cannot cope without chatting about their weekend, it's an issue for them to sort for themselves I'm afraid, and anyone who is very good at their job, clearly has an appropriate level of personal skills.

So, him being very good at work is the most important thing. Not what he had for breakfast. In a nutshell, you're at work, not school.

Just because it's statistically likely that most people will be NT, that doesn't mean you can assume that they all are. I'm ND. If I assumed that everyone else in my office was NT, I would be very wrong and it would be a stupid inference to draw. Just like it would be a stupid inference for another ND person in my office (and there are at least two that I'm aware of) to assume that they are the only ND ones in the office.

'Statistically likely' doesn't mean 'definitely the case' or even 'safe to assume'.

HTH.

Maybe he considers inquiring about someone's non-working time rude?

the context of "Sadly the NTs don’t seem to value being truly excellent at a job or at least they didn’t in my workplace", that poster is not unreasonable in inferring that most of the people who don't value her for her job perfomance will be NT, just from sheer odds.

This is bullshit! How dare you unanimously declare all of us to not ever be interested! When I ask that question I AM interested, genuinely. If you hate a culture so much, why be a part of it?

read the rest of my responses 🙄

Work culture generally is that you give a polite response to "how are you", not an actual reply about anything complicated. That's why we hear lots of "fine thanks", "bit tired" etc but not usually "deeply depressed", "worried sick about this symptom", "really heavy period today".

It's still seen as polite to ask, and there are some kind and alert people who really do care about the answer. There will be people like that in @TY78910 's culture of origin too. But that doesn't mean that everyone in the UK is interested in a full answer whenever they ask how people are or how their weekends are. Many people ask because it is polite.

When people point out the differences in cultures, that doesn't mean they hate either culture. It isn't an attack, just an observation

What if I just want to get on with my job and not have 20 conversations about what I did at the weekend, what are you doing this evening, what is everyone having for tea?

And why do I have to be interested that Geoff from accounts went ten pin bowling on Saturday?

Perhaps if someone’s just come back from honeymoon or been trekking in Nepal it warrants a few minutes but I have a full day and just want to crack on!

As per usual on these threads the topic has developed into the extremes of people never talking to anyone and people chatting all day and not getting on with any work.

There is a middle ground. At my workplace we will say "did you have a good weekend/holiday etc", but we are just too busy to spend much time on small talk, or even deep philosophical talk.

We do have someone on our team who sounds similar to the colleague that the OP is talking about. A few of us have very gently tried to draw her out and include her in conversation, but she just repsonds with monosyllabic answers so we just leave her to it as that is what she prefers, and no-one bats an eyelid or talks about her negatively. She just gets on with her job quietly.

You know he’s socially awkward because you’ve literally described him as that. So you know he’s not being rude. He’s not like you. Deal with it.

No doubt you’ll find a colleague to have a cluck with about him.

Whilst I think you’re right that it could make him feel uncomfortable, being “antisocial” at work isn’t good. Feeling connection and trust at work is important, it’s hard to do that if someone doesn’t say your name or ask what you’ve been up to, it’s basic courtesy.

Unless he’s in a highly technical role with no need for personal skills, I’d say he’s at risk of this limiting him.

I would also say, spending 3 months not talking to people is rude @CharlotteCollinsneeLucas whilst you may have felt uncomfortable, sometimes you need to push on through. It’s very likely you’ve come across rude too.

You don’t have to be interested to SHOW an interest. It’s not always about you, and what in formation you find interesting. It’s about teamwork, making people feel valued and (feigning if you have to) important.

Work takes up so much of our life, to spend it with people who give no shits about you as a person is really tough.

Your job is rarely just your job, the softer side (building relationships, trust, connection) is also important as that’s often what helps with staff development, retention and recruitment.

Do not say anything to him. He might be very shy. On the other hand, he might not care. If he does his job, just be satisfied with that.

He seems to struggle to call people by their names, it’s like it’s too personal for him.

That might be something to address, via his line manager. Does it impede him doing his job? Does it make his communication with others difficult to the extent that he doesn't do his job?

And he doesn’t ever ask questions about what someone did on their day off.

So what? That is not a good example of rudeness. Some people go to work to earn enough money to live on, and that is that.

Same, as a woman I mask it all very well and learned some basic neutral chit chat, but not everyone goes into work wanting to talk all day or to be besties with random colleagues. So glad of hybrid. Just leave him be if his work is fine.

You could be writing about me. For some reason I can’t call people by their name, no idea why but it’s always been an issue for me. I do try hard to reciprocate niceties.
If someone says “oh hi how are you” , I often will say “hi good thanks” then walk off ….. later on in the day in my over thinking brain I think that I should have asked how they were.

I find it very hard to join in group conversations, staff room chit chat is overwhelming.
If someone pulled me up on the above I’d be mortified as I’m aware that I don’t / can’t do these things naturally.
Luckily the sector I work in are very open and understanding of others.
I do believe I’m blooming good at my job and that’s what I’m paid to do 👌🏻
I’m on the waiting list for an Autism assessment if that helps 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe I've given the wrong impression. I'm a teacher, so I've talked a lot to my classes and got to know them. I've just had no energy left for social interactions in the staff room. Fair enough if that comes across as rude to people who are nothing like me. More important to me that I do my job well.

See, I don't understand how it's "polite" to ask but somehow rude to give an honest answer. A question where the respondant is essentially coerced into lying can never be polite.

Translation: lie, repeatedly, in your interactions with others and spend all day pretending to be someone you aren't, no matter how exhausting you find it and how much it distracts from the job you are paid to do.

Your attitude exemplifies neurotypical culture at its worst. Fortunately, plenty of people on this thread recognise that the workplace doesn't have to be like that.

Yes - by polite I suppose I mean here, expected of people.

Your example aren't great. Why should he ask about people's weekends? What matters is that he is polite in asking necessary questions about work flows.

He's not as rude as someone who started a thread four days ago and hasn't bothered to come back.

@RampantIvy Why try to draw her out though?