Working with someone who’s so socially awkward they come across rude.

[peptual]

I work with a guy, he’s about 30 and very good at his job, very focused. But he comes across rude. He seems to struggle to call people by their names, it’s like it’s too personal for him. And he doesn’t ever ask questions about what someone did on their day off. He’s lacking the standard adult interactions you should have around your working day.
Is it appropriate to say something? I understand some people are painful shy but as an older person I except a bit more personal skills and think mentioning might help him out.

Why would you be helping him? You said he’s good at his job. He doesn’t need to no what you did at the weekend. Would you discriminate against someone who was openly ND like this? It doesn’t even spujd like you are his boss

I’m not ND but come from a country where we just don’t do small talk. It’s not in our DNA culturally and we actually find the ‘hey how are you, what have you been up to’ disingenuous - you don’t actually care or want to know, it’s something that’s just said as a tick box. I do it because I’ve adapted, but I can also understand how someone might not engage in that for it not to be rude.

So his communication style doesn't match your social preferences. What makes you morally superior? You describe him as being good at his job, focused, not disruptive... but he doesn’t perform socially in the way you want and you feel you have to 'say something'?

Whether it's a sign of social anxiety, neurodivergence, cultural difference, or he's simply strongly task driven, he's performing his job and he doesn't need a lecture from you about how adults should interact. If it's genuinely having an impact on work, then management could have a word/training about team effectiveness.

Not everyone wants to share personal stuff with work colleagues and there's nothing wrong with that. The tone of your OP and all the 'shoulds' and expectations over how someone else should act reveal more about your ignorance than about his performance.

I think my DH is probably like this at work. He doesn't really talk unless he has something to say. I found it a little hard to get used to but it comes with advantages. He's very focussed and competent, he doesn't subject everyone to a load of chatter and gossip. Everyone is different so try to appreciate the positive aspects of this and maybe leave him in peace!

Wha are you planning on saying? “Hi Mike, I need a word. It really bothers me that you never ask us how we spent our day off.” What would that achieve?

How rude. “Prattle”? Really? Workplace interaction is normal and essential for team working.

What does he actually do that is rude?

All I can see in the op is that he doesn't perform the social niceties of using people's names or asking about their weekends. Those kinds of things can smooth social interactions but aren't rude.

you don’t actually care or want to know, it’s something that’s just said as a tick box.

This may be the case in your workplace but it's certainly not in mine, or in a few other places I've worked in.

Most of us get on really well and actually do care.

Sounds like my son. Nothing you say or do will make the slightest difference and TBH I can't really see what the problem is. So he doesn't chat about non work related things? I can see that you might wish for more social interaction but at the end of the day you are there to work. As long as he is doing his job properly, there is no need for you to intervene.

Honestly get over this 'expectation' of how social other people should be, that in itself is incredibly rude and entitled.

Maybe he does struggle with social interaction. Maybe he just couldn't give 2 shits about everyone's lives outside of work.

He's there to do a job and by your own account does it well, that's what matters

How arrogant of you to assume that because YOU don't care about other people's welfare and well being, that i don't.....does everyone have to be like you?

What are you intending to say to him @peptual

He’s good at his job you say, why does he need to be a performing seal also? Leave him alone FFS.

This. OP you are the rude one.

I am not interested in what you did on your day off. Why should he be?

If you think about it a bit, what you are suggesting would be much much ruder than anything he is doing.

It's good that you checked here. No, definitely don't do that.

I did an exercise with my team that looked at communication preferences etc and it was so useful. So for example one colleague preferred no meetings after 3:30, another preferred the use of email rather than teams. We all got to see and understand how each other works best and we have adapted to meet these needs. It needs to be done in a positive way and you have to trust each other but I think it was a very supportive thing to do. Not everyone is interested in the social bit at work and it is hard when you feel someone is rude but you can explore how they feel comfortable communicating and show them how others want to communicate.

Are you his manager? If you are, it might be worth having a discussion if it’s going to hinder his progression, given he’s good at his current job.

If not, back off, none of your business.

I think some people struggle with the fact that others may not be interested in them.

I’m in the camp of couldn’t give two shits what my colleagues do outside of work, what their lives are like. I’m just not interested, I’m there to work and pick up my pay. If I left the place, I’d never see or speak to them again.

I hate to suggest it but he does sound like a couple of people I work with, they are both autistic.

Years ago I worked with someone in a large office, he would literally never speak to anyone, no one liked him because he killed any conversation, he couldn't even manage a polite "morning, how are you?" I realise now 20 years on he was most certainly neurodiverse. He was so odd and quiet, but he was vv good at his job. Eventually everyone just ignored him unless it was something work related, which he seemed to prefer.

I wouldn't say anything, I just wouldn't go out of my way to engage in conversation with him.

Let’s turn this round:

I work with someone who’s always asking questions and I just want to be left to get on with my work so I can leave on time. I do struggle to remember peoples names unfortunately but I find it hard.

Stop expecting the ‘norm’ to be what you do. If it’s obvious someone doesn’t want to interact unless it’s affecting their/the teams work then leave it.

Why should he show interest in what you did on your day off? Can you give some more examples of the issues as I can’t see any problem with him. He just seems like someone who keeps himself to himself. It sounds more like you want someone you can chat to at work and he isn’t like that. If he’s doing his job and minding his own business I don’t think there’s much you can do.

Maybe I phrased it wrong. When you have your typical exchange ‘hey how are you’ the answer is almost always ‘I’m good thanks’. Especially between people you don’t necessarily have a relationship with. It’s obviously different if you have genuine friendships. The above exchange is just something people say, it’s part of a greeting - it’s not actually meaningful.

He is there to work not entertain you

Unless there have been complaints or he isnt working to a good standard, leave the poor guy alone.

We are all different.