Working with someone who’s so socially awkward they come across rude.

[peptual]

I work with a guy, he’s about 30 and very good at his job, very focused. But he comes across rude. He seems to struggle to call people by their names, it’s like it’s too personal for him. And he doesn’t ever ask questions about what someone did on their day off. He’s lacking the standard adult interactions you should have around your working day.
Is it appropriate to say something? I understand some people are painful shy but as an older person I except a bit more personal skills and think mentioning might help him out.

I agree with this. I'm introverted and shy so have appreciated it when an extrovert has led conversation. I feel like a lot of introverted people have an air of superiority about them, I always see condescending comments about extroverted people who like a chat, implying they're simpletons. The fact of the matter is, you'll just come across as serious and unlikeable with this kind of attitude.

Is it appropriate to say something? I understand some people are painful shy but as an older person I except a bit more personal skills and think mentioning might help him out.

Have you not heard of neurodiversity OP?
He may not be ND of course, but my advice is just to accept people as they are, especially if they’re good at their job and doing you no harm.
Don’t say anything critical to him please.

My very bright autistic DS (late teens now) always struggles with names by the way. He says they’re hard for him and still mixes up two of his cousins names. He doesn’t mix the people up, just their names.
So maybe don’t assume you know why your colleague doesn’t use them.

I think you could be saving him worse embarrassment or something worse by saying something. Not sure what would be appropriate though.

That. I'm not autistic, but I don't pry into how people spend their time outside work. Obviously if they've volunteered t that they're planning to do something interesting, it's okay to ask if they had a good time after the fact. But I find questions like 'so what did you do with your weekend?' really intrusive.
I think I'd like the guy.

No. Leave him alone. It doesn’t sound as if he is actually offensive, so he doesn’t have to conform to your ideas of how he should behave.

This is the work place equivalent of the ‘smile love it might never happen’

It really is!

No “should” about it.

Leave the poor soul to get on with his work. He’s not interested in you.

Is it appropriate to say something?

No it isn't. It will make him feel even more awkward.

I have been on here long enought to know that at awful lot of mumsnetters struggle with social interaction, and cringe at the idea of small talk.

He either has social anxiety or is ND or there is something else going on. As long as he isn't rude just let him get on with it.

However, I would like to point out to the self confessed socially awkward that being comfortable with social interaction doesn't mean that you are chatting all day and aren't doing your job to the best of your ability. It is possible to be able to have the occasional (the key word here being occasional) chat with your colleagues and still be shit hot at what you do.

I don't often use names unless I want to speak to a particular person in a group- usually, I just say, "you". And I don't often ask about their weekends because I'm really not interested in hearing (even more) about bloody football.

I don't stop them if they start talking about it, so I do know a fair bit about what's going on in their lives. But I was brought up by a mother who said it was rude to intrude into other people's lives.

In a previous job, I got sent to HR,because I didn't always ask about this sort of personal stuff. We didn't all start at the same time of day, as we supported AsiaPac, European and American timezones. I suspect I would have also been sent to HR, if I breezed in and said, "hi, what did you get up to at the weekend?" if they were on a call to Singapore or something. (To be fair, with one manager, I'd have probably been in trouble for breathing in the wrong way.) I was particularly pissed off, because a male colleague was actually rude to people, to the point some people refused to work with him, "oh, that's just his way, you have to learn to live with it," but I have to go to HR, I can't just be myself with my way?

And yet I usually did know what was going on with people and went out socialising with them (and still do, a few years after I left.) I often wave at people rather than say hello, if they're busy. We did chat, just not always in front of the manager, not least because he had a habit of telling everyone what you'd said. I think certainly we knew rather more about why people were off sick than we should have.

I work in IT, and a lot of us are not all blessed with the best social skills. It doesn't mean they aren't working well, nor that they aren't getting on as a team. Just that not everyone behaves just as others expect. It doesn't make them wrong, just different.

He doesn’t use people’s names when he speaks to them. He doesn’t question them about their days off.

Neither of these things are ‘rude’ at all. Provided he answers politely when he’s spoken to, he’s not being rude. It isn’t ’rude’ not be sociable with colleagues. He’s not obliged to start non-work conversations with you or to feign an interest in your personal life. Provided he does his job, leave him be.

He has nothing to be embarrassed about. There’s nothing embarrassing about a 30-year-old man who doesn’t actively instigate chats about the weekend leisure activities of some random colleague who’s the same age as his mum.

Yes. He sounds like a good member of a team. Gets the work done, no drama. Presumably since OP is used to it, there's other company for people who like small talk. But quiet people can be very calming to work with and sometimes a "port in the storm" for anyone who just wants a bit of breathing space.

I hate someone asking me what I did “on my day off” that is quite invasive and annoyingly repetitive if someone has to say that every time I see them.

I would find you unimaginative and nosy if you kept trotting out these things at work.

He’s doing the job, focus on yours.

I'm autistic and I struggle to remember people's names and don't do much in the way of irrelevant chit-chat at work. You don't know whether a given colleague is autistic or not, so give him the benefit of doubt and leave him be.

Some people want to turn up, do the job, and go home. They haven't mistaken their colleagues for friends, as so many neurotypical people seem to.

But here you tend to say hey how are you to anyone and everyone, whether you know them well or not. If someone in the break room you’ve met once before replied with ‘actually, pretty shit. My cat threw up everywhere, my kids put 3 toilet rolls in the loo, my mental state is in the gutter, I fantasise about running off with George clooney’ you’d think Jesus Janet, that’s not part of the script.

If you don't want a truthful answer, don't ask the question. It's fake and is far ruder than just not asking at all. It's also extremely unethical to coerce someone into lying, which is what your "script" refers to.

"Good morning", "good afternoon", and "good evening" are perfectly legitimate ways to acknowledge someone's presence without coercing a untrue reply or being insincere yourself.

They haven't mistaken their colleagues for friends, as so many neurotypical people seem to

I really do wish that people who struggle to socialise would stop spouting this nonsense all the time. You aren't superior because you dislike your colleagues.

I happen to get on extremely well with some of the people I work with and sometimes socialise with them outside of work. They aren't just colleagues. They are workmates. It isn't a moral failing to want to get on well with the people you work with. It also makes for a nicer working environment

A lot of people don't live and work where they grew up and tend to look at places like work to find new friends. It's quite normal.

Some people come in to do their work and then go home. That he doesn’t ask people about their days off, there’s nothing wrong with that! I don’t care what my colleagues did at the weekend.

Stop expecting the ‘norm’ to be what you do.

You've reminded me of this:

The only reason this request isn’t seen as a “special need” or an accommodation is because it’s something neurotypical culture expects. When neurotypical people expect things, it becomes “how it’s always been done” instead of an exception. Requests are only exceptions if disabled people request them.

https://autisticscienceperson.com/2023/03/06/neurotypical-accommodations-and-unwritten-rules/

When neurotypical people display their lack of empathy, it looks like "my way or the highway" about social interactions. It looks like "the norm" for everyone being what they want, even if there's no genuine reason for it.

I'm heartened by the amount of pushback on this thread and clear empathy for the colleague that so many (including neurotypical people, because I doubt just from numbers alone that everyone saying "mind your business" is autistic) have shown. No one is saying "no small talk for anyone", we are saying "leave this guy out of it".

I hate questions about days off or what I did on the weekend. I feel like people expect a report that I don’t want to give, it’s my day off, if I wanted to share I would.

Unless he has an attitude - I worked with someone like that and he gets rude/defensive at the drop of a hat - I’d leave him alone.

Maybe he doesn’t want to know what you all did on your day off though? Maybe he just wants to get on with his job?

in work I’m constantly amazed by people who complain that they’re struggling with workload but then spend half an hour in the corridor chatting. So I’d probably get on just fine with him.

A lot of younger people say they envy the way older (as in 35 plus) people can just talk to each other. For me, it seems crazy that a young woman who saw a man she liked the look of in a bar didn't just go up to him and talk, but instead went on her phone trying desperately to find him on a dating app. Remember the skit about a northern person who tried to chat to people in London, and how they thought that was weird? Some younger people say they feel like they're made to feel creepy if they chat to strangers/coworkers, which is sad. I have many friends from previous jobs, some of whom are not NT (it is not the case that all ND people only want to focus on work talk; some do, some don't, just as NT people might, or might not).

You aren't superior because you dislike your colleagues.

I wish people would read my actual words and not make up extra words that I didn't say and then pretend that I said them. It's called a "straw man argument" and it's an intellectually dishonest logical fallacy.

I didn't say that I disliked my colleagues. Don't make up lies and pretend that I wrote them. They aren't my friends, because I know that if there's redundancies and there's one position left and two of us eligible for it, I will fight for that position even though my colleague will lose his or her job as a consequence. I owe my colleagues no loyalty and they owe me none. Friends are people who owe each other some level of loyalty.

You will soon find that your colleagues are not your friends if you find yourself competing against them to avoid redundancy. You can recognise this without disliking them.

Leave him alone.
People are allowed to have different personality types.
Also I would bet money on the fact that you are not perfect yourself, OP. If you feel the need to give him unsolicited “feedback” about himself, he might do the same to you - your personality, the way you look, the clothes you wear. Only dish out criticism to people if you are prepared to hear worse about yourself in return.

Have you watched the detective series Patience start from series 1. It will help you understand this guy. Channel 4

I’m just impressed you knew every single one of your coworkers well enough to declare all of them “the NTs”.