Need an appropriate comeback for ageist comments

[orangemapleleaves]

I have been at my current job for one year after a long time at home with kids/freelance.

My digital skills are fine but not my strongest point though fine - I'm not a digital native though. I have a younger colleague who constantly comments on them and on her relative youth in general. She's the kind of person who will always point out that she "wasn't even born then" if you mention some aspect of popular culture.

I find it tedious and but manage to brush it off. However this morning I realised I want it to stop and would like some options to calmly and firmly shut it down.

She needs to learn anyway as she's just starting out in the workplace that making her colleagues feel old and stupid is not wise if she wants to progress.

She was standing over me as I opened a PDF. My other colleague, who is maybe 30, opened hers and it was upside down. Younger colleague showed her how to correct it (tiny arrow on screen, helpful to have it point it out.)

I opened same upside down PDF and younger colleague showed me the arrow, but said "Oh every single time I come over here I have to show you the simplest things, it's the same with my mum!"

For some reason this time it gave me the absolute rage. I could barely look at her and I'm sure she noticed as I'm usually very friendly but I'm over it - I have a lot of experience, I am good at what I do and I don't like being patronised by some pipsqueak who I have helped quite a lot.

I think the last sentence of your post nails it.

”Don’t patronise me, Courtney. I’ve got tights older than you.”

That would infuriate me. I think I'd tell her ageism isn't allowed in the workplace so if she doesn't want to be reported to HR she needs to stop talking to you like that.

The comments about her not even being born then are irritating but not actually rude (unless there is further context or her manner is rude) so I think you should ignore those.
But the comment you quote about having to show you the simplest things is very rude. I would pull her up on it straight away... "Excuuuuse me? Did you actually say that?" Or @BlueEyedBogWitch 's suggestion is good too.

You might also find out about digital skills courses etc, as obviously other employees shouldn't be needing to help you with your work. Perhaps she is frustrated with having to stop what she is doing?

I would call it out. “This is not the first time you’ve made ageist comments. You might think you are being witty, but it’s not acceptable on the workplace. I would suggest you take this feedback to your line manager and ask to be booked on some extra ED&I awareness training, before you get yourself in trouble with HR.”

A mix of what you’ve said plus the HR mention.

“Look, I’ve been patient with you so far as you’re new to the workplace, but this is getting quite tedious. Making your colleagues feel old and stupid is unwise if you want to progress. Ageism isn’t allowed in the workplace so if it carries on unfortunately I’ll have to talk to HR. So shall we agree that it stops right now?”

Or just get a higher up to have a word.

Also can you acknowledge out loud when you’re helping her? ‘Ok, more than happy to pass on my experience here / help you out as a new starter’ etc? Politely but reminding her that you are knowledgeable and choosing to help her.

I get the ageism comments as well (I'm 56). I just say "do you actually realise how nasty and condescending you sound?" That usually shuts them up.

Don't try and learn and rehearse a whole essay as above.

"Shut up about my age or I'll report you to HR".

I’d go with “fuck off.”

On the ‘I wasn’t even born then’ - ‘I wasn’t born when Mozart was around but I’m not ignorant enough to not know who he is’.

She's not having to stop work to help me. Some of my digital skills are better than hers. It was literally to spin a menu around for Chinese New Year. I would have figured it out myself but she was standing behind me and jumped on it right away.

Don’t say that. It needs to be formal, not joky. “Courtney, please stop making ageist comments”

Yes! Succinct and to the point!

Very calmly: Courtney, why do you think you do that? try to patronise and belittle me?

Put the ball in her court. If she says she doesn't "yes, you do. Is it to make up for something you feel you are lacking?"

And then: Stop it. It is bullying and that is a serious matter that i will take further if it happens again.

Kind of thing.

I mean she sounds a bit dim and one joke.
I would raise it with her - not in a ‘retort’ way but ‘hi Izzy, there’ve been a few occasions recently where you’ve said something about me being like your mum / references how young you are. If you want to be taken seriously as a professional in this work place can I suggest to you kindly that you stop it for two reasons?

One is ‘it makes you appear a bit moronic and gauche’

and two ‘ageism isn’t acceptable or even legal in the workplace. A couple of the dumb things you’ve said could be seen as ageism.
As someone senior to you and with many years more experience in this industry I hate to see young women trashing their professional reputation and relationships without letting them know’.

pass agg as fuck

Did you neee help to rotate the pdf or did she assume you needed help?

also agree that whenever you show her something make sure everyone hears it. "oh it's not surprising you don't know that, it comes with experience". Kid of thing.

I'd lay it out legally. 'Ageism is discrimination, just like racism. You're facing a complaint to HR.'

Courtney - you do realise that you won't always be the new kid on the block?

I think I'd be going along the lines of:

"Are you ok? you have made several disrespectful comments to me about my age - (then give actual examples). Comments like this really do indicate an inner insecurity. I'm happy to have a chat with you if you feel a bit out of your depth or need some emotional support, I dont like to see anyone struggling" and frame it as concern with a serious concerned look and very direct eye contact.

Then watch her splutter 😂

Thank you - some of these retorts are brilliant. I'm not clear on whether it is actually discrimination to make these comments, as opposed to just rude/thick.

I might try "do you realise how nasty and condescending that sounds?" as it's an open plan office and I'll need to get it out fast.

I just say, 'Ageism.' Always shuts them up.

Why is it ageist for her to say she wasn't born then? It's just a fact.

Likewise with helping you with technology, unless that's her job I can see why it might start to grate on her

It is ageist discrimination to say these things @orangemapleleaves and could be considered harassment too.

I would have a quiet word, something succinct and if it happens again I would make a complaint.

https://www.gov.uk/workplace-bullying-and-harassment

Make her feel some discomfort.

I had a similar situation with a colleague trying to convince me of his superior experience at one stage even though I had and do the bulk of the work on a 50/50 combined project because of his inexperience.

I sent him an email saying I didn’t appreciate his comment. He got all defensive, I remained calm and reiterated my position via email. He escalated.

I disengaged and eventually he thought better of it and asked me for a chat to sort it out.

I reiterated my perspective, he reiterated his disagreement with my perspective but by God he changed his behaviour towards me from that day forward and we get along just fine now. I wasn’t looking for an insincere apology, my desired outcome was the change in behaviour.

I know more about him and he knows more about me from that interaction and he won’t dream of stepping out of line again.