Constant criticism from people I manage about my management

[Teakake]

As per the title, I am finding myself receiving unsolicited feedback from staff. I am significantly younger than many of them and in the past they have been used to a manager who hangs around drinking tea and asking about your weekend plans, or getting caught up in tiny details and basically doing all the perceived ‘easy’ little jobs which other staff are already here to do.

Problem is, this was running the business down the drain, and the most important jobs were not getting done, so I am a business manager, here to get efficiencies. I am not answering the phones at reception because I employ people to do that and my time is spent on other areas of the business.

However do not get this wrong, I will gladly pitch in if help is needed and we are unexpectedly busy or understaffed, I do not think of myself as too good for any job and I know how everyone’s job works as I have learnt this from them directly.

I do not micromanage - I am here for support if it’s needed. I don’t work remotely, am on site all day full time. I am very busy so I am often whizzing around and will say hi quickly in passing, and I ask staff to give me a heads up about what they want to talk to me about so that I can prioritise if this is urgent or not, as some of my work is very time critical.

The staff feel I don’t spend enough time with them. I ask why they want this time, is it work related? If so, I will arrange training.

No it’s because they want to feel important and special to me.

They are constantly interrupting me, demanding my time and when I give it to them, they just use that time to complain. I try to help them get out of circular thinking they don’t want to, So I leave the discussion with no resolution.

Even if I tell them that I don’t have extra time, I am in meetings and I have deadlines, it’s never good enough. I am here all day but they say ‘we never see you’ or ‘you don’t show any interest in us’ and ‘you are cold and too professional’.

They are important as humans, and valued in the workplace so I ensure they all have a safe working environment, stable work patterns, adequate training, annual appraisals, work related meetings.

No this is not what they mean. They are offended I am not their FRIEND. I am not befriending them and sitting on their desk chit chatting.

I do not want to be their friend. I just want to be their manager.

I am going to be honest, the clingy neediness is not helping, it feels like I have a large group of ladies clinging to my arms like small children, dragging me down.

I have put in boundaries and they do not respond well.

I approached my managers and asked if they agreed with this feedback from staff. They said no, I am doing exactly what they want me to do. I asked if they wanted me to do anything differently. They said no, my performance was great. There is no issue. The issue is the staff who have bad attitudes. I have suggested sharing an overview of my diary with the whole team so they can see how busy I am. No, they just want me to performance manage these people - which I am, but as they are constantly criticising me, we just don’t make any progress.

My managers are not helping me here.

In order to get out of this rut I have the following options:

-Put them all on last warning/performance plans
-take a tribunal risk and start letting people go (not all that comfortable with this, because it’s started to concern me I am part of the issue)
-Leave myself and get a new job
-start faking friendliness to the detriment of my job and productivity (I can’t do this!)
-take out formal grievances on the ring leaders to force my managers to intervene

From the first post I did question whether the problem was me. I went away and came back to 7 pages of what felt like more verbal takedowns to confirm that it is me. I am very stressed and wanted support and came to the wrong place. I’m going to step away from the thread and read the suggestions

If I am abrupt and have boundaries I am cold

if I use the language suggested (to push back problems to her as a question and disempower) she says I am patronising and fake

Nothing works on these people.

Whilst I understand that there are a few toxic people around. Very few places don’t have those people.

Are you saying that it is these people who are doing all the work. If it is then it is up to either the line manager or yourself to work with these people, Maybe allocate them all the work and make the rest redundant or Split them up and give them something more technical to do to occupy them

I notice that the toxic people in offices are usually those that have worked for a company for years and know the job inside and out and could do the work of all the department if asked to but don’t see any promotions or acknowledgement for their effort. Especially with women. They see younger and prettier girls coming into the department who don’t do half the work they do, get promoted and they are overlooked time and time again
That is when the toxicity sets in and I can see why the LM is having difficulty with them because he knows they know more than him and are prepared to work harder than him. Why haven’t you considered that they could do all the work for that department and redeployment or redundancy for the rest. When a person allows others to do their job that screams of someone who doesn’t want the job in the first place.

You say they have to follow a particular route for complaints. What happens if they have tried this procedure many times before but don’t ever get a response or the response is inadequate

ATM I work for a few companies. One asks that any issues you have you need to email a particular department.

Short of something simple like “What day is pay day” you never have a reply.
It’s not just me. People email them about issues they need to address but nothing gets done. So we only email them just to cover our own backs as no one ever expects them to do their job

I agree, at least say something when Denise says these things, gently but firm. If she says it again arrange a meeting with her. If it continues arrange a meeting with her and have HR there to back you. Be proactive. Come on, these are basics.

Yes, but you don’t need to care that she says you’re patronising and fake, do you? That’s the point I’m trying to make (not very well, probably). It sounds like you have a small group of difficult individuals but the majority are decent co-workers and you need to support your line managers.

People like Denise thrive on fuel from conflict. Don’t give her that fuel. Be polite of course, but shut her down once she’s not saying anything you need to hear or deal with.

Forget what people said for 7 pages before they understood the whole of the situation. Ignore that. Much of it is irrelevant.

Do you see what I’m saying? Don’t focus on the negative, respond to the positive.

OP, you've been drawn into Denise's estimation of herself. You need to stop and pick up your power. In what world is it acceptable for someone to call their boss's boss cold, patronising and fake to their face? It's not. Don't accept it.

What is the appetite in your higher line for managing people out? If you can, you need to put regular time in your diary aside for performance management and manage the hell out of these people. It's time consuming and unpleasant - but it's actually an important skill to have in your management bow, so if you can then I would suggest seeing it through.

If you will get resistance from upper lines then leave. Denise won't stop disrespecting you full stop. You can give her the moon and she'll call you names for not also providing the sun.

If the OP was a man I bet the comments would have been very different.

People would not expect a man to make everyone cups of tea or to listen to them rabbiting on about their family life...

The OP is a manager, not a friend or a social worker.

She was put in place to deal with a team that was not delivering and the company wanted to see changes.

If the staff is resisting this and blaming the OP, then the OP is perfectly right to manage them out.

I have managed teams and not there to be their mate.

I certainly don't want team members who spend their time at work talking about their lives, gossiping and generally wasting time.

I think it is fine to ask a few questions in the line of 'how was your weekend/holiday?' or to ask if everything is OK with them when you start a one to one meeting but they can't expect you to be their surrogate mum at work.

Just based on the OP, you come across as the kind of person who could walk onto the shop floor, make 100 folk redundant and not give a monkeys.

I've worked with people like you before and all that tends to happen is the really good and experienced people further down the tree will leave.

I would say that as a manager myself and with a manager who sounds similar to you, investing time in your staff will benefit you ultimately. I
hate asking how their weekend was and listening to the answer, making a mental note to store information away as they may refer back to it. But I can see that good relationships with the staff means they work harder for me and I benefit.

One of my managers has no time to ask how we are and I can’t say I go out of my way for them. I’ll do what I need to do for my job but they aren’t someone I put myself out for because I get so little back from them.

Well that's some character assassination! 😳
No manager I know (myself included) has ever made someone redundant and "not given a monkeys". It's incredibly stressful being involved in making redundancy decisions and delivering the news to the affected staff is very upsetting as you know the impact it will have on their lives. Managers are human beings too, despite what you think, and would rather not make redundancies if at all possible.

Oh OP, I would have hit that woman over the head with something! That's really shocking behaviour on her part. She shouldn't be talking to anyone like that.

Maybe read all the OP’s comments before posting.

Why do you hate asking how someone's weekend was? Assuming they just give you a quick lowdown and return the question and don't drone on with fishing stories for the next hour, what's so horrifically unpleasant about making a little bit of friendly chit chat with someone you work with?

How about bringing the HR partner in as an intermediary, so they have to document/complain/moan to them about everything they think you do wrong and she can factually go through it and state the obvious, followed up in writing things like

1. book meeting in calendar
2. report faults to relevant department

etc etc

HR need to participate in their reviews etc, they don’t get to say no.

Delegate more work their way so they are too busy to have all this time complaining.

The only person you are finding hard to manage is yourself. You to show your tough side and be diplomatic. If you can't do that then you ain't cut out for managing. They are managing you. You need to cuss them and put them in their place.

If I am abrupt and have boundaries I am cold

So you are there to get a job done not to drag dead weight. You're there to do a job. If you do come back and read this don't bother with this site again. It's full of keyboard warriors that don't know what they are talking about.

I think this job is too deep of a water for you, OP. Difficult characters require experienced people managers and it doesn't look to me from what I read that you fit the bill. There is something about the tone of your posts that is both irritating and confusing and if this is how you come across in real life I can't say I'm surprised there are employees that dislike your style. You do come across detached and arrogant quite frequently and that's immature. I suspect older employees have picked up on it. This doesn't excuse their behaviour but clearly you haven't got a clue how to manage it as your boundaries are all over the place. Those employees you mentioned have no respect for you because you haven't earned it. If this is how they communicate with you, why do you allow it? Why do you not pull them up and start a disciplinary? That's on you. Where is your HR in this? It sounds like blind leading the blind tbh. You aren't the right fit for this job.

It’s like going from a Manager like Michael Scott to Dwight …..

If you are there to turn the business around so it has a future I would tell them that. That without the business performing better no one will have a job in the future.

It probably won’t improve them but hopefully they may whine less that you are too busy for their complaints. Toxic cultures are difficult to change.

You’re not always approachable. Decreeing that you are, and actually being so, are not the same thing.

Suggest as a first step you recognise your weaknesses, and get on some people management training. Soft skills (particularly people skills) are not everyone’s forte, so if you’re not managing it, you need to change. And let’s not be soft about it - you are not good at it.

360 degree feedback is important, and at some point those above you will hear directly from those below you.

What you very clearly need to learn is to take negative feedback as well as positive. Or, just leave. Get a job that plays to your strengths, and doesn’t involve people management.

Fuck it. Get HR in to give them strict guidelines on professional boundaries and behaviour. They really do need it explained that they are there to work and not to socialise and bitch.
They probably also need some lessons in office and email etiquette as well as some “How to Read and Understand Outlook Calendar” workshops. Wouldn’t be surprised if they need other upskilling to get with the times or be weeded out.

You are very critical of your staff and you don't seem open to finding solutions.

Its just all "nothing works. They are awful"

That is not a good way to speak about staff

I think you can be friendly with people you manage and it usually makes life easier. Showing an interest in where someone is going on holiday for example. Just basic politeness surely?

I know i give a little more to managers who show an interest in me personally than those who don't

This. It’s clear that many of the posters here haven’t dealt with a group of negative and lazy co-workers throwing their toys out the pram when they’re asked to step up. It’s schoolyard bullying.

I’m a Head of HR (and I also manage a massive team), and this is an absolute flapping red flag to me about your management style. HR should not be doing appraisals. You are the manager- manage!

No wonder your team are pissed off. You’re barely engaging with them, trying to palm the really important conversations around performance and development off to someone else, and it sounds like you’re constantly managing up.

Like I said, I manage a really big team. They’re all senior people (who are also managers) but my job is to be their manager. I am genuinely interested in them as individuals, but I’m clever enough to know that having a trusting relationship means I’m never surprised or sidelined.

Seriously, OP, you need to look at your behaviours here. It’s all well and good having a manager who can deliver X, but when their approach is upsetting an entire team, they’ll quickly be suggested as having poor leadership skills.

That is the role of the manager, not HR. Managers manage. HR give advice about policies, procedures and best practice so that managers can manage.