Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

@anissa834

Well I have been bullied before by Caucasians. I've faced racism in the past. That's partially why I keep my distance from Caucasians

That's awful and I'm sorry this happened to you.

It may have more to do with you than it has to do with the golden child.

You've probably touched on the root of the issue there. You are distant to protect yourself but to others, who don't understand your perspective, you are coming across as cold and unfeeling.

I'm autistic. I've been bullied by neurotypicals my whole life since school.

Do I prefer having neurodivergent friends? Yes, because it's easier to have close relationships when you share certain identity characteristics and experiences. This is totally understandable for any minoritised group. Being wary or cautious is also understandable. But you seem to be punishing people who haven't actually done anything to you in the present because people in your past with those characteristics have behaved badly towards you.

The worst ableism I've encountered at work, incidentally, came from colleagues a similar background to yours. So by your logic, it's fine for me not to engage with anyone from Nigeria and to actively avoid Nigerians because those Nigerian colleagues had ableist beliefs and told me I could pray my child's autism away?

Except I don't do that, because making sweeping generalisations about people based on their nationality or another identity characteristic would be prejudiced and unfair.

From the first:

"The cross-level results indicated that organizational socialization directly enhances new employee voice behavior and, accordingly, promotes team innovation performance. Additionally, servant leadership plays a moderating role between organizational socialization and prohibitive voice behavior but has no moderating effect on the relationship between organizational socialization and promotive voice behavior."

From the second:

"The results showed a mostly significant positive effect from seven factors (team communication, team conflict, team power, team regulation, team collaboration, team engagement, and team motivation)."

From the third:

"Social skills – defined as a single latent factor that combines social intelligence scores with the team player effect – improve team performance about as much as IQ."

These papers do indeed say what I think they do and there are many other papers behind paywalls that come to the same conclusion.

It's not racist to have friends mainly from your ethnic group.

That would make about 90% of the white people in the UK racist. But they're not racist either.

Racism is very different to ND/NT, not least because it's very visible. Yours is not a helpful comparison. I'm ND so I know the difference.

OP is not unreasonable to protect herself.

@prh47bridge
If a business is required by law to accommodate ND people then it is clearly able to successfully function with people not being social. There is evidence that a team with a balance of neuro types can be more successful.
If a business can be successful with unsocial people that are ND then it can be successful with unsocial people who are NT. the result is the same whether the lack of socialisation is down to ND or shyness or introversion or anything else other than say intentional rudeness, combative behaviour and opposition which isn't what is happening here

A clear "does not follow".

A business is required by law to accommodate people with disabilities such as ND even though this may damage the performance of the business. The business may well be able to function that way, but many studies have shown that this is likely to damage team performance. The fact the business has to accept the damage when someone is ND does not mean they should happily accept the damage when someone who is not ND completely refuses to engage in any social interaction.

I accept your point about being self protective and did acknowledge that. I honestly think if OP had said straight up that she feels wary of white colleagues because of previous experiences of racism or bullying and that's why she prefers to keep her distance, that would have come across quite differently.

I accept your point too about visibility and it's fair. Yes, it's different, although some people are very easily identifiable as ND - for example those with tics, noticeable stims and very obviously autistic or ADHD communication styles. But in terms of the workplace and in terms of the Equality Act, visible or invisible doesn't really matter. What matters in work is whether or not you treat people differently according to protected characteristics, whether perceived or actual. All forms of race/nationality are protected under the Equality Act. I remember on a training course I did one student said they avoided people of a certain nationality because of the people on the estate they lived on. They were rightly told that despite their negative experiences, it wasn't an attitude they could carry into the workplace and questioned whether their beliefs about that group meant they would be able to treat them fairly in a professional context.

I really got a sense of dislike, resentment and disdain from OP's posts about her female colleagues. I guess what I'm saying here is, there's a difference between being socially reserved or cautious at work and actively treating people differently or grouping people together because of race and/or gender.

I hope you’re ok @anissa834
This thread has been a rollercoaster for me- I work in a generally friendly chatty workplace and one reserved colleague can make other colleagues feel awkward because it highlights their slacking and/ or lack of professionalism
I’ve also done a lot of work building teams quickly making warm sometimes short relationships with people. The secret is to mentally prepare to protect boundaries you want to keep. So I’ll talk about ‘busy weekend’ or meals I cooked or transport rather than saying I took my daughter to Paris via City which is so convenient and ate at La Coupole.
I also have lots of Nigerian colleagues who are warm and fit in well- my workplace is ethnically pretty varied. Honestly now I think of it they are a little more private than some of us, but they would definitely say something like, “good to have you back”. If you want to stay I’d talk to your friends outside of work how they navigate this.
You’ve had a hard time on this thread, there’s always Davro on Mumsnet when race is involved.

^
but re your original post anyone who complained would be given very short shrift by me who they’d come to

Wow!..... Just Wow! 🤯 (to both comments BTW)

Well said 👏

How so?

....surely they're (at least) both forms of discrimination? 🤔

I sincerely believe that the "golden girl" isn't the cause of the problems here.....

Please reread the OP's original post - she makes no mention of anyone else referring to the "disliked coworker" as the "golden child" and then goes into some detail "explaining" to the rest of us what SHE means by saying that......

its curios that the boss sees the workers

as as a family

that’s not what you want at work - families squabble, just look at the posts on here for evidence. Many a family squabble over Christmas, Easter and weddings.

tell the boss families squabble to much and it takes up time, better to concentrate on work matters & get the job done

Yes, that is what I suspected was going on. Folks, if someone is being bullied in the office, and pulled up for stupid things, and the OP has faced racism, and black women as a whole have faced racism in the workplace (see up thread for a study I cited about this), then maybe that has been the problem? Honestly, how do you all expect people who have faced racial prejudice and are getting reprimanded for ridiculous things in the workplace to respond? Smile? Be nice, and put up with it? Defer to the people in the office who want adoration and put up with their nonsense?

No. OP does her job, does it well, and interacts about work things. That's enough.

British people complain when people of other cultures don't integrate, but sometimes it isn't exactly easy to do so. It goes both ways.

.

I'm sorry you have experienced bullying and racism in the past. That is appalling. As others have said, it is little wonder you have put up your guard and vowed to have only minimal contact with Caucasians. That said I think you need to find a way to get on with people outside your community. This doesn't mean you need to socialise with them or embrace them as your friends. Friendly acquaintanceship is fine. You need to understand what reaction being curt, polite but distant will have on the people around you. The way we behave towards others is tremendously powerful. I find when someone is kind or friendly it creates a positive atmosphere for both parties. I truly believe that positivity breeds positivity. Likewise being guarded and suspicious will make other people feel negative, guarded and suspicious. If you can open a chink in your armour I think it will make for a happier work environment for yourself and your colleagues. Wishing you all the best OP.

How did you make friends? They were strangers you didn’t care about at one time. Why wld you not make new friends at work or eisewhere?

she doesn't like or care for white people only people from her own race. Sad really

I was going to comment … then realised that I don’t care about your needy complaining.

Did OP say good morning to her?
I must have missed that

And yet you commented anyway.

Totally valid in every point.
I can imagine it makes it extremely difficult then to give people the benefit of the doubt, not tarring them all with the same brush because trauma is trauma and that shit totally sticks.

We’re truly not all the same though ✌🏻🫶🏻

I’m sorry for the experiences you have had and OP. It’s totally not ok.

@anissa834 as shit as it is, you don’t have to be all over the top but just a general hi to her on a daily basis I think would be suffice. Maybe a smile once a week if you can, just for a bit of comfort to your colleagues because they aren’t going to change. The only thing that could change is your working there or your attitude (I am not dissing your attitude). You don’t have to engage in any lengthy conversations.
I do think that you should try and make the atmosphere a bit more balanced. If anyone tries to ask questions about your life you are well within your right to say that you would rather not discuss yourself with anyone. But in a gently way lol
Good luck

Because she doesn't want to. Why should she?