Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

So she didn’t complain to your manager that you didn’t ask how she was?

Are you neurodiverse OP?

It would have been polite to say: 'I hope you are feeling better/recovered'.
Work friendships are very important to a lot of people, I would be a bit careful in your position, and try to have a few interactions with colleagues so you fit in better.

I agree with this.

If you knew she has been off sick then it is only polite to ask how she is now, even if you couldn't care less.

No i am not.

Even said "we are a family here"

I'd have jumped on that straight away and put him right from my perspective on that one.

I'm very much like you at work. Colleagues are not my friends, I interact about work and that's it. I don't want to know about their lives, it's not important to me.

Can't see anything wrong with what you're doing.

Not everyone has though, for some people their colleagues might be the only other people they see regularly and a bit of interaction is enormously beneficial for them. I do get the golden girl thing, I used to work with a golden boy who was lazy, took credit for everyone else's work, borrowed things constantly, seemed really popular and had, it felt to me, everyone else well and truly under his spell. It was infuriating, but I still wouldn't have refused to ask him about his weekend or whatever, it's just what was expected in that workplace (and everywhere else I've worked TBH).

I recruited someone very similar to you. I admired his work life balance but he made other teams uncomfortable so I did have to have a word occasionally. But he was a really good worker and that mattered to my team most. So I defended him to management and occasionally he had to jump through the odd hoop which he hated but he liked our team and so did the necessary.
I'm afraid this is the culture of your work place so if you want to stay soften your stance a bit. Even if it seems pointless to you.

That sounds really annoying! Not all of us are arse lickers. I think you should quietly continue to be productive. If it doesn’t work out, so be it, you can’t be someone you’re not. They sound pretty weird.

Sounds like six of one and half a dozen of another.

Really, what would it cost you in time and effort to say "hi x nice to have you back, hope you're feeling better" or "morning y, did you have a nice weekend?"
It sounds like you don't have any non work related conversation with your colleagues at all and that is unusual and i can see why it would come across as cold. You don't have to be friends with them but you spend, what, 40 hours a week with them, far more than you see your actual friends, its normal to show the bare minimum of sociability towards them.

Its very cold to say you dont care at all abiut the wellbeing of someone you know. If I saw a complete stranger fall over or get in a car accident I would hope they are okay rather than not caring one way or another whether they lived or died. That does come across as unpleasant.

However her complaining to her manager that you didn't ask her this, when presumably everyone else has, does sound a bit needy.

If people are eg having a bad day, it’s an interaction from another coworker that can be the difference between them getting down to work and sitting thinking about whatever is on their mind/ getting them down. I worked for a year on a one to one basis with someone’neutral’ and my god the days were long. Any retirement parties or birthdays that meant we had to leave work for she’d talk in the same way you do, and be a nightmare for the rest of the afternoon. I think you think you’re being productive and neutral but possibly you’re coming across as dismissive and disapproving. And I think you’re in the wrong company- some companies are more like family others very much aren’t

I think I was like you. I enjoyed my work and I really enjoyed discussing it at meetings, et cetera but I couldn’t do the other chitchat. Nevertheless, your personal style is creating an uncomfortable atmosphere for your colleagues whether it should or it shouldn’t is irrelevant. Perhaps you could try a tiny adjustment. Prepare in advance a one line comment you could give to someone who’s been ill or pregnant etc. eg: ‘it’s good to see you back’ or ‘ I hope things went well’ would that be so hard?

Her boss does though. That is the problem.

I totally agree with you OP but I think you will have to fake it a bit more if you want to work there longterm.
Shouldn't have to but people seem to be into this nonsense.
Luckily for me I am freelance so don't have to deal with it but I do try and forge good relationships with people I work with (while screaming in my head "I don't care how your weekend was I just want to do my work") as it can mean they are more willing to help you.

colleagues are not family but if they have been working together for a long time they will talk & form a close knit team.

It’s about finding a balance & playing the game. there is no harm in saying good morning & good weekend etc. to help the appearance of an open friendly persona. there is no need to reciprocate and divulge the inner details of your own life if you don’t want to.

While this organisation feels a bit too friendly for my liking, you are coming across as actively unpleasant even on this thread. Sorry OP. YOu say you don't care about her but every word you write about her drips disdain and dislike and I guarantee that what you perceive as professional, neutral behaviour is actually very clearly coming across as active dislike and judgement. If we can read it in a few words on the internet, they can feel it in person.

There's professional and boundaried and then there's cold and unfriendly. You even call yourself cold. I don't think anyone wants to work with someone who is cold. I have no need or desire to be best buddies with the people I work with, but I think a bit of normal human warmth and empathy is nice - so yes, when someone has been really ill, asking how they feel when they return is appropriate.

But she's not the only one who has mentioned it? Surely it's polite to interact with colleagues and be a little bit friendly, you're with them for a majority of the time and your 'professional' can be someone else's rudeness.

I'm so glad I work alone... what a nightmare!
That boss is massively overstepping. As long as you are basically polite you do not owe anyone warmth or friendship just because they are your work colleague.
As long as you do your job properly and treat people respectfully.
So invasive to expect chatter..
I'd be tempted to tell him you are autistic and he's being discriminatory!!
(That is just a joke, I myself am autistic, I'm not good at chat and would absolutely hate to be forced to chat warmly to someone I didn't like and who clearly didn't like me)

I don't go to work to make friends but I am friendly to people whilst at work and ask how they are. I would find it strange if someone behaved like you in an office. Building relationships with colleagues is a key part of building a career. I have boundries as I'm quite senior but been social is all part of office life. I'm going on my 2nd Christmas work do this week, I don't want to go although I'll enjoy it whilst I'm there and I'll be there with a massive smile on my face.

It does come across like your on the ND spectrum as how your behaving would not be socially acceptable in most offices, maybe even a bit unprofessional

I think that’s fair. I’m not someone who tends to be exuberantly friendly with colleagues either, but I think a small amount of basic humanity greases the wheels of any situation involving people spending time together on a regular basis,

I think you are fine to just be the way you are. She obviously got her ego hurt.

I actually couldn't do with someone like golden girl wanting a pat on the back for breathing. I'd prefer someone who just got on.

At least you said good morning to her. Did she want a fanfare? Holy shit.

You have no idea whether she is ND. I dont understand the armchair diagnosis that go on here.

It's stereotypical anyway. I'm ND and very warm and affable. I'm very smiley and polite and ask people about themselves.

And there are times I want to be left alone.

Op is not a performing monkey for the masses. Even the boss said they were satisfied by their work. No one should have to be anything than who they are. Op is doing their work to a good standard and that is what should be concentrated on.

Where do we get off telling people how they should behave?

If op is ND then we mask to hell as it is without having to add another layer on. But they haven't disclosed this so we don't know.

And on top of that there is more then enough people giving her attention ? Why does she need me for ?

Exactly. You're the one that stood out because you weren't blowing smoke up her butt.

Just carry on as you are op. You are there to do your work and it's own choice whether to make friends at work. Least you don't bring drama to work.