Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

Very well articulated 👌

If you’ve never experienced it, it can be hard to understand just how toxic the ‘head girl clique’ can be in a work environment.

It needs managing just as much as the ‘indifferent’ OP.

I agree with your posts @wordler
You sound like a great people manager.

@wordler the boss best girl is a misogynistic concept.
OP says she has had comments before in previous workplaces about being cold, this is the first time a manager has formally talked to her about it though. So she has had issues in other workplaces.
And interestingly she says she does not see why she has to ask how the women are, but has also said with the men she says morning and asks how they are. She clearly has an issue with women. And that will be obvious.

Do you talk about head boy cliques as well and the men who like him being bootlickers?

I just reread all the OPs posts - she doesn’t reference other workplaces she also doesn’t say that she talks to the men differently- in fact she says exactly the opposite.

She says with the men she says good morning, how are you and then gets with the work at hand - the same as she does with the women. The difference for her is that amount of minimal interaction doesn’t seem to bother her male colleagues.

She specifically says all complaints about her were from close friend of the ‘golden colleague.

And yes boss’best girl is very misogynistic - the OP hasn’t given her that label - she’s saying that the women in question is known as that - probably the misogynistic manager coined it.

@wordler
"I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.
Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated."

@wordler
"She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.
Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. "

OP did not ask how people were. She simply said a general good morning, nothing more.

There are toxic male cliques that appear in workplaces - I’ve only experienced ones which involve male colleagues in a position of power not peer to peer like the OP.

I don’t use the word bootlickers myself - but have used ‘flying monkeys’ as an equivalent phrase for people who do the bidding of the head of the clique to keep all in line.

@wordler
"I don't have a weird obsession with this women's popularity. I just find it weird that she seemingly wants everyone to bow down to her and kiss the floor she walks on and worship her like she is special."

That is misogyny. No one wants her to worship the popular woman colleague or treat her like she is special. Simply to be polite, which she is not being. She is being cold.

Yes - on that particular day. But she says that she has done more than that in the past - just not enough for these particular women.

It feels like the OPs method of speaking is very triggering for you as you seem to be reading a lot of things into her story than is there.

You have clearly never met someone who acts like this in work or other social settings.

You are lucky.

@wordler I specifically asked if you talk about head boy cliques, since you talk about head girl cliques.

I think there is a load of misogynistic nonsense in this thread. Multiple people have said OP is cold at work. One of them, a popular woman made a complaint to her manager. OP goes on to describe this woman as a golden child, someone who wants others to worship her, kiss the floor she walks on, etc. And the other woman who simply like her, as bootlickers. OP clearly can not stand this woman. Although she keeps claiming she is neutral about her, she uses extremely derogatory language about her. And derogatory language about the other women.
But she has no issues at all with men. Not with any man.

OP is clearly the kind of woman who looks down on other women and is nice to men. I have met women like her. They always claim other women treat them badly, and that is why they get on better with men. But they never seem to see the vastly different ways they treat women and men. A bit of self reflection is on order here.

But how have you made any friends if you never ask people any questions about their life?
Or are you one of those people who just monologue about themselves?

@wordler please do not use a load of psycho babble on me by suggesting I am being triggered. I am not. I simply dislike misogyny. It is very common on the workplace from some women and some men.

@anissa834

OP - I’m not sure if you are still reading this thread but I hope you can ignore the worst comments and maybe take away some techniques for managing this workplace for now.

Ultimately it might be best to see if you can find a different team to work with as it seems that the management style there isn’t a good fit for you.

There are managers out there who will appreciate your hard work, skills and approach to work.

For now I’d advise managing the problem with this woman by finding a few allies at work - get to know three or four colleagues a bit better - find out their children’s names and spouses - ask about their holidays.

Keep a note of any negative interactions that come from the clique.

Then at your yearly performance review, if anything is mentioned about you being ‘cold’ you can point to the positive relationships you have with your ‘allies’ at work, and you can bring up any negative interactions that have come from the clique and point out that it’s bordering on bullying and might be connected to cultural differences.

If everyone of my colleagues individually asked me how I was every morning, and then each other, I'd be wondering if they'd joined a fucking cult.

She makes friends outside if work, obviously. It's WORK.

@CandyMaker I didn't talk about head boy cliques because male cliques tend to be structured differently.

Obviously not all people are the same, but patterns in human behaviour can be seen and there are often gender differences in behaviour in groups.

Male and female bullies often operate differently along gender lines - the Queen Bee / Head Girl trope exists because it's been experienced by many people.

Male cliques often form their exclusion / inclusion of the chosen ones around outside work activities - which is why women have struggled with the 'old boys' network for so long when they aren't invited to be part of the Sunday five a side football, or the pub night which ends up in the strip club etc.

I worked for a massive international organisation that employed tens of thousands of people for two decades and over the course of my time there worked in roughly ten different teams and was able to observe the dynamics in dozens of others.

I do believe the OP could behave a little more strategically for her own benefit, but I'm fairly sure that 'boss' best girl' and her backup clique are also a big part of the problem.

When you've seen that happen in the workplace you know just how toxic it is. On at least one occasion I experienced it, it turned out that the woman in question ended up being the OW in her boss's marriage breakdown.

The worst version of this, which luckily I have never experienced, is when the toxic head girl is the boss herself.

And you know that is not what I said.

@wordler I think you are totally misreading what is happening here. It is not a clique/ Op says she works with mainly women in her current job. She describes the "bootlickers" as enough women to make up a Russian army. It reads as if nearly every single women she works with, she is describing as a "bootlicker".
OP has had other people make comments about her being cold.

And I think you are misreading what the OP has written - she clearly says the only people who have complained about her being cold and anti social are friends of the woman in question.

OP has a very plain speaking style - you notice she doesn't talk about how having someone complain about her simply not being friendly 'enough' to her boss has made her feel. Would that have made her more sympathetic to you?

She's also mentioned her cultural background which makes me suspect there's an unconscious bias element to the other women's behaviour to OP - black women are often labeled as aggressive, not team players etc for simply existing at work.

Please read through this Reddit thread to see how many times it happens to many different women.

https://www.reddit.com/r/blackladies/comments/ky6mas/black_women_are_not_allowed_to_be_introverts_at/

And this is a member read only article that I have archived to be able to read it about this issue:

https://archive.ph/GPYFM#selection-629.0-629.7

@wordler
She says they are friends of the worker she is very derogatory about. But she also says lots of people have complained. It may be that the OP sees anyone as friends with the woman she is derogatory about, if they are simply friendly.

"I didn't point that out in my post but the other coworkers who complained about me are the golden colleague's friends.
It's not like my boss got complaints about me from all the coworkers. It's just that the golden colleague's friend group is almost as big as the Russian army so the boss got lots of complaints."

@wordler I know black women are often wrongly labelled aggressive. OP is Nigerian. I have worked with various Nigerian women and men. All have talked normally to colleagues.

"if everyone had your attitude the working environment would be toxic"

Actually, no
It's only toxic because there's a clash of cultures
If everyone was polite and professional, but not friendly and chatty, it would be a very quiet peaceful environment
It's only toxic when cliques form - which wouldn't happen in a 'non social' work setting
There would never be any fallings out nor similarly disruptive behaviours if people maintained work etiquette