Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

@snowmichael But it is not polite to only say good morning and no other social chat ever. Being polite means engaging in a small amount of that.
Even call centre staff get scripts that incorporate a small amount of social chat i,e, how are you? Because it is rude to just say good morning to the office and then only talk about work.

"normalising not requiring any social interaction in your team means accepting that your teams will not perform as well as similar teams in businesses that encourage social interaction"

Substantiate or withdraw
Show some evidence for this
My purely anecdotal evidence is the exact opposite

'Social' workplaces have spats, fallings out, and interpersonal drama that does not happen in non-social ones
Which of those two do you think is going to be a more productive place of work?

And talking normally - saying hello goodbye and asking occasionally about their weekend etc is what the OP says she does with everyone - that is also talking normally to colleagues - especially as an introvert.

Here are other black women talking about the same problem online from the reddit thread I linked:

I’m introverted and I had my white manager come up to me when I was a couple weeks new, and tell me that i was suspicious because I was quiet. SUSPICIOUS?!!! I will kindly chat with her here and there and I’m never rude but I don’t gossip much. I just like to focus on my job,do it well and go home I prefer having friends outside of work so I don’t go into deep personal convo.

Almost every job I've had, senior staff has had a problem with me being reserved. Meanwhile, my white counterparts - specifically white males - can be distant without being reminded to smile or be forced in to conversation.

I'm experiencing this now as well. My old manager ended up moving me to a different team because I didn't talk enough in the group chat. I'm doing my job, I don't have time to chit chat with the team about the latest department drama.

I received a similar review. I talk about work, but not anything personal. My white coworkers are mostly sleeping with each other and talk about nonsense. A complaint was made that I don't engage enough.

I'm introverted. Last year I had my review and on the part that said spoke about being friendly and getting along with coworkers my manager told me that every one likes me and I am very kind and polite but he would be giving me a low score regardless because I don't socialize with them outside of work or particpate in a lot of their conversations; conversations which had nothing to do with work like stuff about their dating and sex lives

100% conjecture, no facts to support your doubts

"The OP appears to lack social skills, as do some others on this thread."
Well, you're demonstrating your total lack by not accepting that people are different
One person's polite and professional is a chatty nightmare person's rude and anti-social
Nothing extraordinary about not liking small talk
Nothing impolite about being professional and concentrating on work while at work

"OP says she has had comments before in previous workplaces about being cold,"
She has not said that anywhere
You've gone from being hostile and misrepresenting her, to bald faced lying now in a feeble attempt to shore up your unsupportable position

She has said very disdainful things about the woman on this thread.

Of course it's polite to say good morning, ask occasionally how someone is and goodbye. It's certainly not rude. That's what the OP says she does.

You don't like the OPs tone and have assumed that she is presenting herself in a way that is obviously disdainful to the woman in question.

If that had been the case her boss would have addressed that as a specific concern - he didn't do that - he just wanted her to be a certain specific sort of social which wasn't something that affected her work at all.

I am quiet at work. But I learned as a young adult the social skills necessary to be seen as polite.
Anyway OP has two choices. Get another job where she can do the job and not talk about anything else. Or do a tiny bit of social chit chat to fit in more at this job.

You've either deliberately, or through inability to wade through the overwhelming numbers of comments, misinterpreted or ignored what I've posted

I make friends when we have shared interests, at occasions when we are indulging in those interests, when and where we have something to talk about, not through meaningless chitchat at work

"But it is not polite to only say good morning and no other social chat ever"

You are completely incorrect
That is what is polite

You want more
Lots of people don't

You consider it impolite not to partake in social chat at work
A lot of people consider people like you foisting their inane chatter on them to be impolite

HOWEVER, not one of the polite, professional, reserved people insist that you and your friends don't chatter away amongst yourselves, do they?
It's the gabby Gerties and Garys who always try to enforce their behaviour on others

I have just read all of her posts
Where is she disdainful to anyone on this thread who has not insulted her first?

Or the third option, the best for everyone, is that she continues being polite but not friendly, the bullies accept that and don't complain about her perfectly acceptable behaviour, and excellent work gets done by the whole team

The complaints are that she is cold. How is that bullying?

This is my point - I don't see disdain - I see anger and frustration.

Whoever complained to her boss has threatened her career.

They didn't complain that she was nasty to them.
They didn't complain that she wasn't doing her job properly.
They didn't complain that she was chatty to everyone else and isolating just a few people which was making work difficult.
They didn't say she was blanking them when they talked directly to her.

They made a complaint to her boss that she wasn't friendly 'enough' for their liking.

And her boss became their tool to bully her with because he called her in to admonish her - everyone would have seen him do that.

I've already said that I think a good boss would have held back that feedback for a general performance chat, would have damped down on the clique atmosphere and explained that a workplace can have a range of types of interactions.

OP has every right to be furious.

Comments like this show her disdain for a woman she claims she feels neutral about.

Not if it's an accurate description of the woman's behaviour in work.

I came to see what I'd been tagged in and see that this whole page is snowmicheal arguing with people (myself included) 🙈. The OP was asking for opinions... People are giving their opinions....

@wordler She has not once given any examples. She has used extremely emotional language about this woman, quite extreme language actually, but yet claims to feel neutral about her.

"People are giving their opinions...."
And other are responding to them, and sometimes putting their own forwards
It's called 'conversation' - or even 'discussion'

So you are quite happy to chat to randoms on the internet who you will never meet, but think it’s strange to chat to people you actually work with?

And you are very far from alone in your opinions.

I'm not sure anyone has said they think it's strange to chat to people at work, but it is normal to have various levels of interaction depending on your job, your colleagues and your own personal preferences.

Some like sharing their out of work lives, some like chatting about Love Island, some like discussing or debating current affairs or the news, and some like saying a polite hello and then just communicating about work stuff.

Some people can talk and type and do three tasks at once, some need to put headphones on and get their head down.

Some people like to eat lunch on their own, others want to be social.

Really good post.

Thank you for all the comments and advice.

But many of you here claims that I hate other women in general but that's not the case. It's just that I am not a so called "girls girl". I only care about other women that I have actual relationships with such as my friends, cousins, sisters and aunts.

This is how I am. It's not in my nature to play fake nice with people. If I genuinely don't care about people, I am not gonna pretend to do so but the golden colleague and her clique apparently has a problem with that. I'll say they can go take a hike.

This is how I also interact with the men. Good morning, good evening or have a good night, have a good weekend and I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. But unlike these women, the men are not bothered by it and are indifferent. They don't care about wether I interact with them or not. They just cars about getting the job done.

A lot of you say that being a team player is important. I'll take this advice into consideration so perhaps I am gonna get more aquatinted with the men.

I do have some hobbies that mostly attract men. I like video games, I like to watch football sometimes, I even play basketball with my male cousins a lot.

My friend groups consists of both men and women and they are mostly Africans and Caribbeans. Like I said in one of my other comments, since I am Nigerian descent,I tend to gravitate towards people that come from similar backgrounds.

I am not a racist or anything, it's just that I don't fit in with Caucasians and I don't even bother trying and that's that.

That's all.