Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

I am not a racist or anything, it's just that I don't fit in with Caucasians and I don't even bother trying and that's that.

I think this is fine OP. Most people gravitate to their own racial group, whether they’re white, black, Asian.

It makes sense because as BAME people, we know we don’t need to have that low level anxiety about what the next uncomfortable question will be.

I hope the large number of people who see nothing in wrong in the way you've behaved has been supportive, even if just a little

I also think that you give the impression that you don't need the support of strangers online to be who you are and to do what you want :)

@anissa834

Just one extra piece of advice - you've got to be a bit strategic now with this particular manager to protect yourself and make sure he doesn't hurt your future career prospects.

Get yourself a couple of work allies - a couple of the men and at least one of the women if there's someone not in the clique. It helps if they are people you collaborate regularly with on projects. So suck up a bit of small talk and find some common interests to talk about occasionally.

I would advise not arguing with the manager about this issue, he will just tend to believe you are being difficult and it will confirm his bias - consider being conciliatory while also being firm about your boundaries if this comes up again particularly at a performance review - say something like:

"I've been thinking about this and I agree with you it's important to have good working relationships for the sake of the team"

(this reassures him you respect him and are listening and open to feedback but you are not admitting to any of Miss Bubbly's complaints against you)

"As a very private person I do worry that the more extroverted people in our team might misunderstand my more reserved personality"

(Put it back on the 'bubbly ones' - they are also responsible for how they make you feel - you are private and quiet not cold)

"I hope you can see from my work on x y z project and how successful this collaboration was with <new work allies> and that I've worked hard towards the team's success"

(Yes, it's all wanky bullshit to a certain extent but it will make you seem open to feedback and collaborative - all things you want the manager and his bosses to believe about you)

Keeping the manager appeased, and having at least a couple of work allies means you've got people who will be less likely to believe any snark from the clique and who might be more inclined to stand up for you if there's any moaning behind your back.

Tbh I had a breakdown not long ago and I didn't want anyone to know except management who checked in with me very regularly. Today said manager asked how I was and that was nice. My colleagues messaged me the week after seeing if I was OK when my dad died suddenly after management asked if they were OK to tell them. That was nice. But today no colleagues asked and I wouldn't want them to infact I'd hate them to I'm private. I was embarrassed when my colleague asked why my pupils were so dilated and I had to explain in a room full of people I've been started on amphetamine based adhd meds hence the pupils being enlarged from PRESCRIBED medication. Obviously my manager and area manager both in the room are very much aware of what I take and could have died twice over for me

What about the Caucasian men in your workplace that you say you get on fine with?

I have Nigerian friends, and would have said, if anything, that their social manner was more effusively friendly than many other cultures?

I think you are coming across a bit jealous of this lady. You say you dont care but you obviously do by calling her 'the golden colleague'.
Also in any environment, work or not ita polite to enquire after someone's wellbeing whether you like them or not.
I agree with your manager.

I have to say I find this problematic. I'm in a minority group. I probably have a lot more in common with those in the same minority group who understand some of the challenges I face but there's no way I'd ever express or show it like this.

Inclusivity at work is as much as my responsibility as anyone else, as I see it. I'm not going to judge anyone for not having the same background or experience as me. That's not going to help anything.

This. Clear she is a very jealous person, Sad really. Look your mean about a woman who has done nothing to you.

There is the answer. Id challenge you saying your not racist. Id say you are. being a team player is important and obviously your finding excuses to dislike the nice women. They haven't been mean to you but you have been to them.

Hi I’m white, I’ve moved to Nigeria and work there. I don’t speak to any of my colleagues expect to say hello and goodbye and to ask questions about work when I need to.
I speak to my white family and friends only and gravitate towards white people. I don’t fit in with Nigeria people so I don’t bother … but I’m not racist 🤦🏻‍♀️
Actually, think I’ll just talk to the men 🤣

Your post makes no sense!

And to note, I actually work closely with a Nigerian lady and she is one of the most friendly people you could meet so it’s not a culture thing!

The trouble with asking people if they're feeling any better is that for some people it's a thinly veiled excuse to stick their beak in and try to find out what illness the person has/had. Sometimes out of sheer nosiness rather than caring. As someone with multiple chronic conditions* I'd rather people didn't ask me if all they really mean by it is 'So what have you had, then?'. Especially in an open plan office with everyone earwigging.

*Also it can be fun and games trying to explain to people with no chronic conditions that the question of whether I'm 'better' isn't as cut and dried as they assume.

Would "glad to see you are back" or something similar be OK @feistyoneyouare?

That’s why I stick to ‘Good to see you back’. Shows I’ve noticed they’ve been gone and am happy that whatever kept them from work is now over, without being intrusive, I think.

@feistyoneyouare you just say thanks I feel much better - I also have a chronic illness.

That’s a very telling comment at the end there. I was with you up until now. Maybe the office can feel your scorn?

I’m Nigerian (actual Naija, as opposed to akata) and I think you sound really unpleasant. Please stop using your ancestors’ (not even your own) nationality to excuse being that colleague.

If you don’t make the effort to be pleasant (not just borderline civil, actively pleasant) in the workplace (or any other forum) then people will dislike you. This is the case across cultures and genders. You are dealing with the fallout from that. Nobody is being ‘needy’ and your colleague being particularly popular isn’t the issue.

There is a huge amount of evidence for this from research, i.e. not anecdotal evidence. See, for example:

Effect of Organizational Socialization of New Employees on Team Innovation Performance: A Cross-Level Model - PMC

Factors affecting team social networking and performance: The moderation effect of team size and tenure - ScienceDirect

dwteamplayersmay2020.pdf

I could point you at more, but many of the studies are in publications that are paywalled.

You sound like you don't really understand social norms.

I'm not sure if it is a Nigerian thing. I have worked with Nigerians and found them very friendly and warm. But I have limited experience perhaps there are different norms in different parts of the country.

I think maybe you'll need to dedicate 10 minutes chat in the morning to this. It will make your life easier. How was your holiday/sick child/illness etc.... small talk - it's important.

I am not a racist or anything, it's just that I don't fit in with Caucasians and I don't even bother trying and that's that.

I hardly think anybody would tolerate a white person coming out with that sentence in reverse.

Assume all the men you get on so well with at work are all from African or Caribbean backgrounds then? Or is it just white women that are the problem?

Your golden girl colleague may well be an insufferable pain in the arse, there are mean girls in every workplace sadly. But you're also coming across pretty "mean girl" yourself OP.

Well I have been bullied before by Caucasians. I've faced racism in the past. That's partially why I keep my distance from Caucasians.

I think you need a bit of humanity

Again op. You need to look at your own behaviour. You don't come across well here.

And I faced anti-Irish prejudice and workplace discrimination from (some) English people in 25 years living in England. Did it make me wary? Certainly. Did it, in the end, contribute to my decision to leave the UK? Sure.Did it make me generalise about all English people, and behave pre-emptively unpleasantly towards all English people in my various workplaces? No.

Lol. You clearly did not read your own links as they don't at all say what you think they do.

So because my daughter has been bullied by Arab children (children whose parents describe themselves as such - before anyone comes for me!) at school it’s okay for her ‘to keep her distance’ from all arabs?

Interesting.