Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

Exactly! Imagine only helping a colleague if you liked them and they acted in a way that you like...and not otherwise..AND also thinking you're the morally superior one!
😆

To say again, much as OP and some posters on this thread seem to dislike it, there is good evidence that a certain amount of socialising makes a team stronger and more productive. That is why so many businesses engage in team building activities. You don't have to be best friends with your workmates, but they are human beings with feelings. Refusing to say anything to them that isn't work-related is treating them as machines.

Saying "how are you", "glad you are feeling better" or similar to someone who has been off sick is not rude as one poster contends. It is normal social interaction.

If you are not part of a team that needs to work together, it doesn't matter if you refuse to talk about anything other than work, or if you think that asking someone how they are feeling is rude. However, if you are part of a team and have this attitude, the rest of the team are unlikely to think well of you and, if it is impacting productivity or morale, your employer may well choose to have a word with you as OP's employer has done.

The not wanting to socialise ones are also human beings with feelings, and there's are just as important as the rest.
Your employer pays you for your work and your time, not to make other team members more comfortable by trying to be something you're not. Teams work best when everyone is allowed to be as they are.

And team building exercises are a massive pile of wank, so who really cares about that?

Ps the amount of abilism here is immense.

I'm neurodivergent and don't like excessive small talk, I'm crap at remembering people's kids' names, birthdays, etc, but I also get that being totally standoffish with colleagues isn't good for team cohesion. I am firm with boundaries when I need to focus on something, but do try to make time and space to check in with my team and colleagues when I can. There are some people I get on with better than others, of course, but everyone deserves basic courtesy at work, even if they're not my kind of person, and as a manager if I feel that I really can't let it show.

I fully agree people need to be themselves at work, but there is a certain amount of compromise that comes with being part of any community, including a workplace/team. There is a middle ground where you don't have to be best buds, but you also don't completely shun people or act like your colleagues are lepers either.

I was not talking about giving assistance to a colleague who is blind or disabled, my story was about doing a favour to a colleague who had made a mistake. And yes, I don't do favours unconditionnally. If a colleague let it known that she doesn't care about me or show any empathy after I'd been off sick with health problems, I may not care enough about her to do her a favour.

I agree with you that you're not technically doing anything wrong and that you shouldn't be reprimanded like you were. However, if everyone had your attitude the working environment would be toxic.

If someone has a disability that affects their ability to interact socially, that is, of course, something employers (and teams) should deal with sympathetically. However, if someone simply prefers not to interact, the employer may be less sympathetic.

Your employer pays for your work and your time as part of a team. If a team member refuses to participate in any social interaction, they are likely to be damaging productivity and weakening the team. Yes, they are human beings with feelings, but an employer faced with this is entitled to take the view that, barring disability, the needs of the team trump the feelings of the individual. Your approach is that your feelings trump everyone else's feelings and the needs of the team.

Thing is that within this lovely work family there WILL be behaviour hiding behind the Love In that is actually more toxic and destructive -

The colleague who is plain talking and "tells it like it is",

The passive aggressive approach one who you never know if you've upset so keep needing to check she's ok,

The fun gossipy one who likes to keep everyone updated with everyone's business. But they are so lovely and fun and excited for us all.

Yet we seem ok to let this sort of stuff go. We will live with the discomfort this brings us. I wonder why we can't live with that ONE PERSON who is a bit 🤏 of a loner? At least we aren't second guessing them all the time. That's fucking exhausting

No idea what the emoji is about

My approach is quite literally the opposite, I've been banging the let everyone be as they are drum for days now.
Chatty people can chat. Non chatty people can not. Everyone can get on with their actual job. It's a really simple approach you ought to try.

And delineating between those who struggle to do something because of disability and those who struggle to do it for other reasons (such as not caring) is completely unhelpful and abilist. Normalise not requiring it in the first place.

If I was the OP I also may well choose to have a word about bullying and be interested to see the evidence of how my "behaviour " was affecting my productivity

Go to HR that boss is a mysoginistic chauvinist!

This convo is akin to “cheer up it’ll never happen” a bloke telling a woman to smile more. Why should a woman need to adjust her facial expression to his preference!

be a overly fake in your concern toward his mistress as that is clearly what she is and look for another job!

an out way less effort into your work it’s clearly not appreciated.

And team building exercises are a massive pile of wank

Glad someone said it!

I have not said that everyone has to chat, but you are clearly unwilling to have any social interaction at all. According to you, even saying something that acknowledges that an individual has been off sick is rude.

From a business point of view, normalising not requiring any social interaction in your team means accepting that your teams will not perform as well as similar teams in businesses that encourage social interaction. Your teams will be weaker and will see higher staff turnover. As a result, the performance of your business will suffer. I know you don't want to accept this, but there is strong evidence to support this. So no, businesses will not normalise a lack of social interaction and nor should they. The good of the business comes first.

The delineation you object to as ableist is required by law. A business must make reasonable adjustments to accommodate someone who is suffering from a disability that means, for example, that they struggle with social interaction. It is not required to make any adjustment for those individuals who refuse social interaction for other reasons. Maybe you think it should, but that is not how the law stands.

If a colleague clearly disdained me, I would not go out of my way to help them either.

I used to be a trainer and these would often used as an "ice breaker". Without exception 99% of the delegates hated them.

I would never include them in any material I created much to my more "fun" colleagues horror.

I'm not unwilling at all, no idea where you got that. I get on great with most of my colleagues, we regularly have drinks or lunch. Weird assumption.

But the OP is not having no social interaction at all. They are saying good morning to their colleagues on arrival - and I assume goodbye when they leave. The team itself isn’t suffering for lack of social interaction - sounds like there are plenty of people meeting that need.

OP is being penalized because she is not interacting to the desired level of a small group/clique of her colleagues.

She’s behaving politely and professionally and getting her work done. Her lack of enthusiasm for doing more than that isn’t stopping anyone else from getting their work done.

@wordler I doubt very much she is behaving politely. Her disdain for the women she works with is very clear. And it is all the women. I doubt very much that such clear disdain is not apparent.

@wordler And her ONLY social interaction is a good morning. She makes that clear.
She may say goodbye as well, although she has not mentioned it. Apart from that she ignores her colleagues unless she has to talk to them about work.
Not even saying a - how are you, or - the weather is a bit miserable today - is an extraordinary way to behave.
People here supporting OP are talking about it being okay not to socialise or make friends at the office, or castigating the other women in the office. But we are talking here about basic social interaction that is expected to be polite.
The OP appears to lack social skills, as do some others on this thread.

Doesn’t sound like disdain to me / sounds like the result of absolute frustration and what’s bordering on bullying by a colleague who has taken against her.

The boss said something like ‘she’s so bubbly - why aren’t you friendlier to her’

The complaint has been triggered by OP’s lack of interaction with this one specific person.

@wordler the boss did not say that. He said he did not understand why OP is so cold towards this woman.
Cold is not being neutral, polite and professional, it is being cold.
OP describes this woman as a golden child, attention seeking and needy. She describes the other women who like her as bootlickers.
OP lacks basic social skills. The fault is with her.

And I’m saying this as a typical bubbly team member who loves getting to know colleagues on a social level - I’ve managed to gather at least one new best friend in every team I’ve worked with.

But as someone who has also managed small and large teams - from the 5 person to the 100+ person team.

I have worked with people like the OP and if they are good at their job and a hard worker then they are a keeper - as a manager I might mention at a specific performance review that some extra social effort might be to their advantage for their own career progression.

BUT I would also be making sure to manage the expectations and complaints of the ‘bubbly’ colleagues who should be managed to understand that some team members have a different approach to interactions at work.

@wordler no decent person is going to sack OP for lacking basic social skills. But it will not help OPs career to continue behaving in this way. So it is reasonable on MN to advise her to do polite chat. She does not have to do much. Just some stock phrases she uses can help.

Perhaps that will help her in the future, although I expect she’s done just fine in other environments and one of the issues is this team where there’s someone who is known as ‘the boss’ best girl’.