Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

Ugh no I don't like that.

Fgs let me be.

I'd not worry about it too much, tbh.

Sounds like a very disfunctional family to me. Perhaps you should suggest family counselling.

Any employer that says “we are a family” would make me run far away. “We” are not a family - we are colleagues working for an employer. I think the golden one is a lazy attention seeker and is upset because you won’t play their game. Carry on ignoring them. You are doing nothing wrong.

For every person who complains that nobody asked how they were after sick leave, there will be another who complains that such questions are rude and intrusive. You can’t win.

That said, you do come across as very cold with your “I don’t care” in relation to a colleague being unwell. You didn’t need to say that. The way you phrased it makes it sound like you revel in being standoffish. Perhaps that has come across at work.

I do understand your point. You are there to do a job and you obviously do it well. That's your main / most important purpose and that's what you are paid to do.

I think the whole 'we are a family' is a bit much (no you are not. You are a team but you are not a family)

However, I think we all have to mask a bit at work to oil the wheels. It's just makes for a better team atmosphere. I don't mean change what you are doing dramatically. Just the odd 'I hope you are feeling better' (even if you don't actually care. That's not important), how was your holiday, etc can help oil the wheels of the working day and the team culture.

Of course you don't 'have' to. That's up to you but I think that's probably expected / the norm in most working environments.

You’re clearly not fitting into the workplace atmosphere in this company. I’d look at leaving if you can’t or won’t adjust your manner, though you say you like the job. And while I agree there should be no pressure to befriend colleagues or be more than professionally civil, your attitude to the ‘golden coworker’ is deeply bizarre and rather unpleasant. It’s telling that you describe her as if you’re the less-favoured sibling.

It is normal if someone has been off sick to just say "how are you feeling now?" or "glad you're feeling better" when they return, it doesn't have to be an in-depth chat. But it seems very petty to complain about this sort of thing. Part of being at work is making a bit of effort to fit in with the culture though, would a tiny bit of small talk really be so hard?

Yes, even the most neutral, professional manner can surely incorporate a ‘Glad you’re better — now, about that x’?

I don't care about the attention she gets. At the end of the day she is just someone that happens to work at the same place as me.

I am not offended. I am just annoyed that she is so needy for my attention. It's weird.

I do get your point and I am not needy more of a head down and get on type. However I respect other people are social creatures and that it’s really just a few minutes out of my day asking people about their lives etc.

It is a bit tedious I think people are often fake nice as they feel like they have to be and then we have these mutual fake nice conversations. I think now you’ve been spoken to it’ll be awkward.

Agree the complaint appears petty.

But I've got to smile about starting a MN thread castigating a coworker about being needy. It's a fairly clear pitch for sympathy.

But nothing you say suggests this woman is at all ‘needy’. Your colleagues (multiple colleagues) have said your lack of engagement in the office is making them uncomfortable, and it sounds as if this has been raised on more than one occasion. Whether or not you think they have a point, it’s not going away as an issue.

Based on your responses on this thread, you sound more than a bit strange and to have a weird obsession with this woman’s popularity.

Yes if you go round telling people you don't care about them they will feel weird around you. You don't have to be in love with your colleagues, but it's nice to be nice. This is basic social stuff and you certainly can refuse to do it (though what does it cost you?) but the result will be this.

Humans are social animals. You are pinging them as a threat because you're not interacting with them normally. It's up to you - there's no law that you have to be minimally pleasant to people - but there will be natual consequences.

I don't have a weird obsession with this women's popularity. I just find it weird that she seemingly wants everyone to bow down to her and kiss the floor she walks on and worship her like she is special.

You can be popular all you want but don't expect everyone to befriend you.

I agree with you OP and it’s very weird that this woman has complained about you. On the other hand, in a workplace you have to play the game a bit. Once a week or so ask someone how they are and pretend to be interested.

Something similar happened to me years ago.
A senior colleague took me to one side and offered me a “bit of advice”.
Apparently I was not popular as I did not go around to each member of staff and wish them a personal “good morning” and “how are you” each day. Rather I just shouted out “good morning every one!” and got down to work.
I spent the next ten years wasting a good fifteen minutes chatting in a morning. Crazy!

I didn't straight up tell people I don't care about them. I keep that thought to myself.

But I am strictly neutral with my coworkers and only talk to them about the job at hand whenever we do have to work together.

That sounds really dysfunctional and I would never ask a collgue about their health unless they bought it up.

Surely there is a half way house?

Part of being professional, is having a little understanding of how human relationships work. You don't need to be besties, or engage in gossip, but treating those you work with with basic human interest is a pretty standard expectation.

It sounds very much as though you have made this 'persona' a key part of who you see yourself as being, to the extent that even when being told that your overblown coldness is making others uncomfortable you double down on it instead of taking time to reflect.

Having someone in the office who treats everyone with total distance, and borderline disdain must be pretty uncomfortable, and they will be very aware of your thoughts and feelings.

You either need to reflect or move on, unless you are happy to keep having this conversation at various points. Isn't a little human warmth quite pleasant? If you were off ill or whatever, would you want others to notice?

I wouldn't care if I was off Ill and nobody at my workplace asked about me. I got my family and loyal friends that care about my health.

But are you saying that this woman complained to your manager that you didn’t enquire after her health? Because from what you say, in the ten months you’ve been with the company your chilly manner in the workplace has come up on a number of occasions with colleagues (plural), not just this time. And yes, you sound as if you have some weird, entrenched dislike of her because she’s the anti-you.

I don't have any entrenched dislike of her. I just don't care about her. That's all.

Some workplaces adopt the philosophy that basic social interactions, non work-related chats and team cohesion lead to better co-working and subsequently better efficiency and innovation.

You may think this is a load of bullshit, but this is the organisation you work for.

You say you come in and do your job but from their point of view you don't, not in full, because you don't contribute anything beyond the process of completing your list of tasks. This isn't the entirety of the job from your managers' point of view. You're expected to contribute socially too, to oil the wheels of team cohesion. Again, you may hate this/think it's a load of unreasonable crap, but you're not the boss.

Sympathy OP. Got to say I did eyeroll when people minded WFH during covid because they missed the social interraction. People are at work to work, its not a social club.