Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

Either you’re working with a team of really weird, cultish, brainwashed types or you’re letting your very obvious dislike of your coworker colour your view of her.

You sound incredibly insular, which is fine, but what you’ve failed to realise is that you seem to be making the workplace a slightly unpleasant place to be. I’m not the world’s most extrovert person, and I value quiet spaces where I can get on with my work, free of distractions, but honestly, I’ve had colleagues like you and I call them ‘vibe snipers’. If a whole group of people have an issue with you, then they could well be bullies, but sometimes a little introspection is needed.

I suspect that your idea of 'strictly formal and neutral' is very skewed.

When I was a union rep, I had a member was going through a disciplinary process about various things. He insisted that his interactions with colleagues were 'strictly professional' and 'neutral' too. As far as he was concerned, he was being professional and formal.

He wasn't, though. He was actually being quite rude and hostile and unapproachable and making other people very uncomfortable. He also refused to accept that this was the case despite pretty much everyone he met - literally dozens of people at all levels and with very different personalities - finding him hard to work with. To be truly professional, you need to be cordial and approachable - this man was neither of those things, and I suspect the same might be true of you. In fact, I'd say that being approachable and friendly (which isn't the same as being 'friends'; you don't have to socialise with colleagues to be friendly) is doubly important in a creative role like graphic design as people need to feel relaxed and comfortable around you to discuss creative concepts etc with you.

You clearly dislike your 'golden' colleague - it's really obvious from everything you say about them - and while you think it doesn't show, it's pretty clear that it actually does show, and your team have noticed. I suspect you come across as dripping with disdain.

I suspect you come across as dripping with disdain.

Or just a normal person who wants to go in and do their job and then go home and not hero worship the queen bee.

You and your work work colleagues are on the opposite end of the spectrum for work socialising. I would say both ways are extreme and dysfunctional. I have worked with gushers and over sharers and also people that are actually very cold and aloof. Both are bloody irritating. You can at least have a laugh with the oversharers and gushers sometimes whilst having an inward eye roll, whilst the cold and aloof make people feel uncomfortable.

As it’s such a culture there you will not fit in just as a real gusher and oversharer would not fit in with a workplace where everyone was cold and aloof.

The way you write and your extreme view on something that isn’t that harmful you probably come across as hostile not just professional. Being a little chameleon like is a good life skill.

So your real life friends and family, what do they think?

Clearly 'normal' is viewed differently by different people.

"dripping with disdain" is bang on the money for me.

Or just a normal person who wants to go in and do their job and then go home and not hero worship the queen bee.

In the OP's opinion. On the other hand she could be a lovely kind person who is valued by the colleagues. Whether it is one, or the other, or somewhere in the middle, the OP is risking their employment because of their attitude. A few pleasantries wouldn't harm the OP but it might just make her colleagues realise that she isn't the Ice Queen. Like I said - two sides to every story, and if we have a Queen Bee we also have an Ice Queen. It's just so easy to ask if someone is feeling better. You don't have to care whether they do or not - although honestly to not care at all says more about the OP than about her colleague(s).

I’m wondering about this ‘queen bee golden child’. I think it’s fake. I think the OP is jealous in some weird way. The OP has absolutely no insight into themselves or other people. It’s pretty sad.

Is the office entirely female?

You seem quite focussed on this “golden colleague”, despite what you say.

most people at work don’t really give a shit about their colleagues, not in a meaningful way anyway. BUT, we spend many hours of our days with them, and it helps to oil the wheels, with some social interaction however meaningless.

“Hope you’re feeling better”
”How was your holiday”
”God the traffic was dreadful today wasn’t it”
”Did you see X on the news this morning”

none of this costs a lot in time or effort, especially if you let the answers go in one ear and out the other. In fact it must be harder work to deliberately avoid these interactions.

You have said’I don’t care’ numerous times in this thread. Your message will be coming over clearly although you don’t say those words to your colleagues,
and some of them are upset by it. They can’t force you to care but your attitude is bound to make things awkward especially in a team which has a friendly supportive ethos.

I’m reserved by nature and don’t share personal information with colleagues.

However they’re general social niceties which make life easier if you adhere to them. It sounds like you’re being formal in the extreme. A simple “nice to see you back” regardless of whether you care in the slightest when someone is back from being ill, for example.

Did you tell your boss that them reporting you for keeping your nose down and doing your job is making you uncomfortable? And that them respecting that you are there to do a job and not be their friend is making you uncomfortable?

The "we are a family" bit is a bit off but I would certainly ask after someone if they had been unwell and have at least friendly, professional relationships with people - after all, you spend a lot of time with these people at work, you might as well get on with them, but you are under no duty to be best mates or go out with them socially. Perhaps somewhere with a colder more corporate culture would fit you better.

HI OP
As a massive introvert I really struggled with open plan offices and all the small talk which greased the wheels when I worked in more extrovert businesses as I'm task orientated and just wanted to get on with things. When I got feedback about being more approachable from my line manager, I really took it to heart as chitchat about Matt or Muriel doing the gardening at the weekend did nothing for me. But now I understand that they are called pleasantries for a reason.

I'm not a fan of the workplace as family thing and find small talk quite draining but I figured that they were paying me to 'fit in' with the company and play the game as well as the actual job - and I got very good at active listening, nodding and smiling (tbf I probably had resting bitch face) a few laughs here and there. Long story short - be friendly not a friend and I think it is worth it to show willing and be a bit more personable if the job makes you happy - as at some point the boss will be writing a reference for you/ giving you a pay rise. I think the trouble is its easy for people to think someone is cold/indifferent/standoffish if that person is a just get on with it/get the job done type - different strokes for different folks. Bend don't break :) Best of luck.

I hate it when people are needy or if you're expected to fake your personality for others.

Definitely jealous but in that silently spiteful kind of way, which is probably why she's putting up a stone cold barrier.

It's also depressing that we're nearing the end of 2024 and popular women who are liked by many, are still being referred to with the misogynistic label 'queen bee'.

You say that you’re professional and neutral, but the way you write about your colleagues here is immature, rude, and disrespectful

I do see this but I wonder if the criticism upset or touched a nerve with the OP and this thread is her lashing out a bit.

I'm never sure what to do with too quiet - there reasons for that in my past but I always manage to say what needed to who ever and can do reciprocal small talk.

I did once have a colleague who refused to point of rudeness to do small talk with me or shut me down if I tied to join in - so I shrugged did professional work talk only they were often rude back - they then complained to my team leader I was "too quiet" - they just didn't like me and as they couldn't complain about work - well they tried but it was clearly rubbish - and I was inoffensive in manner and dress that was all they had.

OP doesn't sound bizarre or unpleasant. The co-worker sounds irritating and unpleasant, I mean who snitches to the boss because someone hasn't asked how they are?

She complained about a colleague not gushing over a week's sick leave.

That is Queen Bee behaviour. Who even does that?

I would look to have a follow-up meeting with the manager and ask if they have an issue with the level of work and the quality of work that you do. If they don't (and I believe that they don't based on one of your updated comments about your earlier meeting with said manager) then I would say, I'm here to do a job and you don't have any issues with my work quality or quantity. I'm not here to make friends or become best buddies with my colleagues. If they have an issue with how involved I am or not in their lives, they should address those to me first. I will talk with them and if they are still unhappy following that conversation, they can raise it to you. They are my colleagues not my family. As such, unless you have an issue with the work that I'm doing, I would consider this issue no longer an issue and the matter is closed.

Whether you want to be best friends with these people, it may be worthwhile saying, when you notice that one or more of them haven't been in the office in a while "Welcome back X, good to see you back" or something equally bland but they will see it as expressing some warmth (even if you don't feel like doing it, it may be better to keep the peace).

I can't believe that the Golden Colleague complained about you not asking about their absence or welcoming them back in - how needy are they!!!

Not everyone who is popular is nice. It's ok to say it as it is.

Sounds like OP is annoyed by the complaint (rightly so) and is just venting here.

How many nice decent people would make a complaint about a colleague for silly reasons?

Culture in a company is important. If you are not good cultural fit it causes tension and problems.

It sounds like it's not really working for either camp here, but ultimately it's you who isn't the fit.

You should reflect on it.

It's not them being needy. It's them trying to communicate and you refusing to.

You're stuck in a bit of a bind now !

You can either carry on as normal, ie keep your head down, keep yourself to yourself, knowing that everyone's bitching about you behind your back - pretty miserable
OR you can suddenly put on a Barbie perma-smile and be super nice to this woman which you'll only resent and feel miserable about that.

If anyone I ever encountered ever dared to complain that I didn't smile enough or I didn't ask about their health enough, the LAST thing on earth I'll ever do is smile at them and ask about their health. Unless I did it really sarcastically.

Try that next! Get as sarcastic as possible with the biggest smile you can muster with a "Oh how ARE you???"

No-one expected 'gushing' though did they? That's just you believing the hyperbole the OP has written.

And please stop calling this woman a 'queen bee' just because she's very popular with the rest of her colleagues. It's misogynistic and unecessary.

'Golden child' makes the OP come across as petty and childish, but at least not sexist.

"We are family" - gross emotional manipulation and 100% bullshit. Its bad enough when collageus say this but a boss is next level??

Why doesn't your boss realise that "families" are made up of all different sorts of personailities?