Coworker snapped at the dress I'm wearing

[user1471867483]

I’m wearing a three-quarter length thin white crepe fabric sleeved dress with black ric rac at the bottom. It’s quite sheer, but it’s lined and I’m fine wearing it. It’s boho and vintage. I have thick black tights on with it and black ankle boots. My coworker, who works next door, came in and said, “Aren’t you cold in that”? I said, “No, I’m fine”. She said, “No you’re not”.
Well, I am! I wouldn’t have worn it if I wasn’t OK in it.
The dress is a bit like this:
https://froufroufrocksboutique.com/products/ent-ecru-plus-ric-rac-midi-dress
What I’m really asking is why has what I’m wearing got anything to do with anyone?

Nope, it doesn’t. To comment once is an inappropriate comment (that can be reported to HR); to bully requires repeated actions/comments with the intention to cause harm (legal definition).

Even if she privately thought it was not work-appropriate, it was really weird of her to comment. Not her business / problem.

There is no legal definition of workplace bullying.

Acas disagrees - bullying can be one off

https://www.acas.org.uk/bullying-at-work

Note its not the intention, but the effect that matters.

In addition, the colleague insisting op must be cold after being assured she wasnt, would cover the "repeated" element.

Can someone working in HR please let us know if people really complain about such trivial matters?

I’m not sure I’d call this incident bullying but surely bullying can be a one off as well as continued/repeated actions. If someone shoved your head down a toilet at school for instance or deliberately pushed you into a wall but it was an isolated incident surely that’s still bullying?

Yes. It's like 'I'm a bit mad I am '

@CautiousLurker This. Picking over someone’s appearance is hurtful. Think we can assume others in the office are joining in. Nasty. Bet it’s public sector

I don't think it looks like a beach dress just because of a baby doll/short smock cut. That would depend on the quality of the fabric and the stitching. There's a lot of photo evidence of floaty but smart short workwear in the 1960s/70s and the 2000s-2010s.

Whoever talked above about tights not 'preserving modesty' is terrifying. Modesty is in the eye of the beholder. People can just pluck their eyes out if they find themselves being judgy or lustful, which includes eyeing up your co worker's legs! I'm starting to hate 'modesty'.

I have had nasty comments about (neat) long hair and personal remarks about body shape when very young, but only from people who wanted to be nasty, not quite bullying but not a serious HR issue either.

Short dress in good fabric, thick tights, fine unless you are doing prison work or prancing about on ladders to fetch things or similar.

Don't work in HR now, but I have had people raise incidents where they felt belittled by an older colleague. One was about food bizarrely - older employee was quite matronly about the younger ones "eating properly". Prob came from a good place but it was really patronising. No big deal just had a word and it stopped.

I wouldn't have minded this being raised. usually colleagues like the op describes are like that with others, overbearing etc. so good to know when these things happen. Especially as there can often be a whiff of ageism in these sorts of comments as in the food example, so good to have opportunity to gently nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

govt.uk

“Bullying - a definition
There is no legal definition of bullying.
However, it’s usually defined as behaviour that is:
repeated
intended to hurt someone either physically or emotionally
often aimed at certain groups, for example because of race, religion, gender or sexual orientation”

telling someone they look cold in their dress would not satisfy this

everyone needs to grow TF up.

the colleague made a comment. We weren’t there. It might have been a malignant remark fuelled by menopausal jealousy or it may simply have been a benign even patronising mother-hen remark, perhaps intended to convey a sense of ‘maybe that dress is not appropriate, dear’. We’ve no idea. However, in and of itself it was not bullying.

Either way, if no-one in management as mentioned the OP’s outfit as conflicting with the company dress code, and she hasn’t checked it herself to assess her outfit accordingly, then she should just ignore the comment and move on.

What’s “menopausal jealousy?” Wouldn't that be considered sexist? Misogynistic? Please enlighten us

Maybe the colleague is struggling with a repressed crush like in Herman Melville's Billy Budd where Claggart is cruel to the handsome young sailor.

It’s likely that even with a slip underneath it will be see through. So people will be able to see the whole of your tights and possibly your bra through it - especially if the light’s behind you. That’s possibly what she meant.

You've quoted from the gov. school bullying site.

This one is re: workplace.www.gov.uk/workplace-bullying-and-harassment

Note it provides a link to ACAS that has guidance for employers, that then links to that specific article re: bullying and that it can be a one off incident.

As its the effect on the person, not the intention, a one off incident of a belittling comment could satisfy this, as outlined by ACAS.

Nope. Use a flesh coloured slip and underwear, not black. How weird. I don't recall looking around any office with X ray vision for foundation garment silhouettes. There's usually work to do.

Can't be that. Op said the dress is lined and she has a top underneath.

I mean even if it is that so what? Men show moobs through shirts all the time.

So (sorry!) just to expand - it could have the effect that op now feels she will be judged by this colleague re every outfit, second guessing what to wear in the mornings, feeling she has to layer up then gets too warm, feeling on edge and singled out, confidence knocked etc.

It's a stretch, but you'd be amazed by the sounds of it what employees can claim stresses them out and causes them upset.

Thanks for explaining. I’m baffled that people would run to HR to complain, rather than say something politely at the time. Or just ignoring. When did everyone become so fragile? A mild annoyance is not some major MH crisis.

Exactly. I always wore office attire but one bastard liked to go over and over why I always wore black.

Re ageism. Anecdotes are all very well but it's known - and backed by many studies, that age discrimination is something that's particularly suffered by older employees.

FWIW my own office anecdotes are from when I was in my early 20s. A couple of similarly aged colleagues used to mock an older woman in the office. Not to her face, but behind her back. "Jokes" about "grandma clothes" etc. Even although she didn't even dress particularly differently to us.

I refused to join in the nastiness. The two doing it didn't like me as a result but I didn't care. I remained professional when working with them so that was the main thing.

@user1471867483 - you’ve talked about the dress and about your personal style, but not what everyone else wears. Do you stand out? Are you significantly scruffier than colleagues or would “beach dress with black tights” seem equivalent smartness levels to what others in your work place are wearing?

Even if you don’t like their styles, if yours isn’t in the same range of smartness, then it’s not appropriate for this work place. If it is in the same range, just a bit thinner /summery, then it’s her being a dick.

I think with thick black tights and boots it sounds fine.
I often wear short sleeve tops regardless of the season for comfort and a lot of colleagues question how come I'm not cold or say I make them feel cold.

FFS that’s what OTHER PPs comments have implied or directly stated - that the other woman is jealous, that the OP has said ‘she’s old enough to be my mum’, that her opinion on folksie fashion in the workplace is thus not worth acknowledging.

Of course it’s fucking sexist, ageist and misogynistic - but that’s the tone of some of the replies here are implying in support of OP which, if you read my reply properly, you would see that I was criticising. As a menopausal woman presumably old enough to be the OP’s mother, myself, I’m as pissed off by OP’s/other suggestion that ‘older women’ who dress apparently conservatively aren’t allowed an opinion on clothing and that any comments made by them are motivated by jealousy accordingly.

So get over yourself and start nitpicking someone else's posts. I’m muting this one.

Definitely not suitable for working in an office. It makes you look very unprofessional … as others have said, keep it for the beach.