I despise my fiancés place of work

[MrsH15001]

my fiancé has been at his place of work for around 9 years now. Long before he became a parent, since he’s now a father they have absolutely done their upmost to make life difficult for him.

Im a SAHM so it’s very rare probably only emergencies when he needs to be home, like now. Our DS is in full time school, DD 18 months old is currently in a cast with a fractured tibia/fibia I do not drive, it’s a 20 minute walk to my sons school but I do it daily. The issue is now I can not dress my child due to the fracture and the cast she has, she’s only able to wear tops right now. It’s absolutely bucketing it down with rain and freezing cold were we live. We have absolutely no help so I have no one to take or collect my son from school. My daughter is currently also unwell with a chest infection so taking her out in tops and coat is not ideal in this weather. Fiancé is due to finish work at 7:30pm and I’ve asked if he can leave early to collect our son. We have no village, just us. He said no, work won’t allow him. Me and him are now currently not seeing eye to eye as I’m saying it’s a legal requirement to allow unpaid leave to look after a dependent. Alls he needs to do is collect him and bring him home then return back to work. He’s saying it’s pointless by the time he leaves work and gets back it won’t be long until he finishes. But we need it, I need the help. He says he’s also asked his manager and it’s down to his employer and their saying no so there’s nothing he can do. Just don’t know where to stand I feel everything is just so hard for me right now I’m struggling to split myself in two. It’s only today (mon &Tuesday) as he’s off the rest off the week and she will be in the clinic on weekend getting her cast changed..

I’ve called the school and asked if he can be added onto the taxi service which I’m happy to pay for but unfortunately he doesn’t meet the criteria.. I have no one else to ask and I don’t know what to do

Sorry was not supposed to tag you , my response was to @Ruffpuff

In order to increase your income, are there any jobs you can do from home?

I appreciate that you need to care for your DD and can't work outside the home (unless you did evenings.)

But the root cause of these problems is a lack of network (other parents who could help you out) and not having a car at all.

Unless you'd lose a lot of benefits by working, is it not time to think about getting work you can do at home? Even part time?

stupid people on here are just saying bundle her up in a blanket and put her in the pushchair!

But there is little choice here-it’s not stupid. Without a car and needing to get the older child to school twice a day plus ensuring the sole wage-earner doesn’t get sacked, that’s what it’s going to have to be. With blankets, appropriate clothing, socks, vest, hat and a rain cover-this is doable.

OP why don't you just get a car??

I feel for you OP, but it would not be practical for your DH to leave work in the middle of the day to go collect your DS. If you don't know any parent to help pick up your DS, can you get someone, a neighbour perhaps, to watch your DD for an hour while you go collect your DS?

His place of work is 7 minutes away via train from our sons school. 7 mins door to door? So like a stop apart, or a 7 minute actual train and he's got to get from.work to train station, then train station to school? @MrsH15001

Agree, I get the feeling he doesn’t want to ask. Like maybe he is embarrassed ? Or that other people at work who take time for things like this get bad mouthed.

Do taxi, with child on your lap. Go into school office with broken leg child and see if can be flexible with your situation.

I understand why you're stressed OP, but surely you can see that your solution of your DH leaving work to do the school run is completely impractical?

He would miss at least an hour of work, assuming all the train times aligned perfectly and that he could time it to arrive at school just as DS was leaving. In reality, it's going to be at least 90 minutes he misses - that's just not feasible.

Somehow, you're going to have to figure out another solution. Could he change his hours or find a new job with different hours? Could you go back to work and have him stay at home instead if you have more flexibility with jobs, for example?

I totally appreciate that you're in a difficult situation but you can't expect your DH to just leave work everyday to help you. It's not okay.

That’s great if they are able to do that, as usual it a very middle class MN misconception that everyone has that privilege even as teens to work and pay for things. I was working 5 days a week in a cleaning job through my entire year 11, my parents took half the money, they also arranged the job for me which involved leaving school every Friday straight after lunch. My school was a 40 min bus journey away. School work, GCSEs were pointless as far as my parents were concerned. I was conditioned to believe it didn’t matter about school just getting work. They got me my first job at 13 in a greasy spoon where I earnt £5 cash for 4 hours work. I got to keep that. My cleaning job I paid for my own clothes after paying my parents half, I may still have been a child in full time education but if I wanted or needed clothes outside of my school uniform, I paid for them, not my parents. The thought of driving never ever crossed my mind, why would it, I’d used public transport or walked everywhere my entire life. I was laughed at when I asked about college and uni. I was well into adulthood before I even understood how A levels & degrees worked.

Even after school where I left with no GCSEs, I had 3 jobs, a YTS that paid £35, I worked a 40 hour week in an office for that and my parents took £20 of that off me. I got a Saturday job in a cloths store so my board was upped, once I turned 18 (literally on the day) I got another part time job in a bar working 2 nights and Sunday lunches, luckily I didn’t have to pay extra board but I did have to pay extra tax.

I did this throughout my teens until I moved in with my boyfriend and started paying rent, bills and everything else that comes with living independently. I spent most of my teens & 20s working 3 sometimes 4 jobs to make ends meet.

At no point did I ever have the opportunity to think about driving lessons, just like many of my peers, many can still not drive in their 50s because learning to drive owning a car is a luxury to many people outside the world of MN. Shit I could barely read and write when I left school.

i was very luck that I moved away and encountered a whole new world of people and opportunities, I’d never dreamed of, including going to uni in my late 20s.

And no, even if I could work, we would not necessarily be able to afford an extra car, life’s not that simple.

Fellow SAHP to a disabled child here.

When my DC was younger I wanted DP at every appt as it felt right, he was his Dad. This has quickly moved on to DC being my “work”, so I deal with all appointments, paperwork etc. We do talk over decisions, but often I have so much more of the information DP acts more as a sounding board. With big decisions it’s nice to have a hand hold, but I am sure, when you are in a good place and feel confident you could easily do these things alone. I guess the problem at the moment is that you feel overwhelmed and have little control over anything, which is not a nice place to be.

With one of you not working you really do need to make sure that you, as a family, give enough importance to the job that your DH has. If there are redundancies or promotions he does not want to be seen as flakey. (I know taking time off for an ill child is not necessarily being flakey but this is how an employer will see him.)

Could you get yourself a decent, second hand toddler carrier (something like this https://www.googleadservices.com/pagead/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwjZjJHIuNmIAxXfjFAGHdk8AdsYABAeGgJkZw&ae=2&co=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwo8S3BhDeARIsAFRmkOOqRumojM58erpdaooNKNejsTyAC5QaPrDwfs1jk6IYyfGNA5V2QAaAlKAEALw_wcB&sph=&ohost=www.google.com&cid=CAESVeD2o486LQyuagbPobfbtW1v3hytw2ieXrIhb0o9HZPKdF0BTePiR4UCmYZcwHj9oC3Bat0W5g4ssxcDbxOYt1LOHrlEnMEvxtSYlgCqYunjk&sig=AOD64_276BHHKrqAKlrjf4wpOyo-LJm8NQ&ctype=5&q=&ved=2ahUKEwjq94nIuNmIAxXmTkEAHbTXLcoQwg8oAHoECAcQDA&adurl= ) Your body warmth will keep her warm and yes you can get her in a sling in a tib fib cast, Google it. You can hold an umbrella over you and maybe wear DH’s coat or a fleece, or go to the charity shop and get a massive one, and do it up round the two of you. Put socks over her feet. You may find she is happy nestled on your front even if she screams in the buggy. There may even be a sling library near you which you could borrow a sling from for a few months.

Lastly you sound like you could do with a bit more support. Can you contact your HV and tell them this? You might get a Home Start volunteer or there might be other things they can do to help.

Are you definitely getting all the benefits you are entitled to? Can you get someone to check this?

How would you normally take your 18mo on the school run in the rain? They will need to adapt to the blanket and cover as the seasons turn, there are many cold wet days ahead, cast or no cast.

My guess is your DH hasn’t asked his work and that he never asks.

im well enough to work absolutely. Have done since I left school.

What was your job? Would it be better for you to go back to it and your husband be a SAHD if he’s only just above minimum wage? Maybe your job would be more flexible for you to help him with school runs in an emergency than his job is.

Could you put your daughter in a sleeping bag and long sleeve top? That would at least alleviate one of the problems you have, then pop her in the pram with a rain cover on?

Is there a bus? Otherwise, as others have said it will be a taxi, just until your daughter is well enough again.

Sounds like aega stressful situation to be honest, take some deep breaths and try and look at the situation as pragmatically as you can and come up with a solution. Are you close to your parents? Your posts make it sound like you moved away, could one of them come and stay with you for a little while?

Medium to long term, your DP might want to think about a new job, they're not all like that 💐

Doesn’t really help the OP today though, does it?

When my daughter was born she broke her arm. We put on massive baby grows, jumpers etc and I walked my toddler to and from creche. It's annoying but your husband can't leave work every day to pick up child from school. You need to start driving so you can be independent. For now though maybe another parent at school could help you out in the short term. You could ask on class WhatsApp group if you have one.

And is also inaccurate.
I wish people would at least read the OP'S updates.

In your original post IP you said ‘ I do not drive’ you didn’t say that you can’t afford a car. You also said your DD had a broken leg and didn’t mention her other health issues. I hope you get sorted but people can only offer replies based on what your post says. Hope you get sorted btw.

For the latecomers- maybe read ALL by the OP?

1 she can drive
2 they don't have a car
3 they don't have a car because they can't afford to run one since she stopped work to care for her DD.

Aaargh.
The OP CAN drive. They can't afford a car. Her fiance gets public transport to work.

Have you asked your local council for a carers assesment? They should be able to provide direct payments to pay for a carer/respite or possibly transport. Give them a ring and tell them the situation. Sounds like you could do with a proper disability buggy too, especially for when she is older, Caudwell children might be able to help with that.
You are a carer, not a SAHM! Op's husbands work should be doing more to help as he is the parent of a disabled child.

Wow, there’s some mean spirited posters here. Sounds like you’re doing your best in very tough circumstances. It must be so stressful to care for a small child with fragile health and it’s even tougher when employers are not prepared to be understanding and money is tight. We can’t all afford to just buy a car or hire a taxi and I guess the OP turned to mumsnet looking for some support, but like many others soon realises what a mistake that was! I hope things improve for you, sending a hug from a grandma

Yes, to all this!!!

Yes OP!
Why haven’t you thought of having more money?

🙄🙄