I don't know what to keep saying to my coworker

[user1471867483]

My coworker is a lady in her early 60's and she and her brother and sister are looking after their mum who is 92 with dementia. Every day she will come into our office to fill her kettle (as her office doesn't have a sink) and she will give us the latest on her mother's mental state; even down to her bowel movements and what her mum leaves hanging around her flat in strange places. She updates us daily about her mum, so much so I feel drained after. It's not like she's on her own to look after her mum, she has a huge family. When it's just me in the office when coworkers are off, she'll go on sometimes half an hour telling me about her mum.
Anyway, this morning, she came in to fill her kettle again and my coworker asked her how she was and she said, "Oh well. You know I was thinking about my mum and the winter and how if it snows how will her carers get there on time". I said to her, "Well, let's hope the snow won't happen. We have to think positive" and she bit back, "BUT I CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT, THAT IT WON'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT MIGHT". It doesn't matter what I say to try to say to pacify her in the past as well, she comes back with some slight attack. How should I handle her when she comes into the office in the mornings? I'm starting to dread her visits. I can completely understand her predicament, but she doesn't even ask how I am!

Can you go for a toilet break the minute she arrives?

Or fill her kettle for her and leave it in her room first thing to 'help her out'.

Be on a very important phone call, even if its just a pretend one

I work with someone similar and have no advice unfortunately.
This person is so negative about everything and drains the souls out of everyone, she can never just answer that she's fine when someone asks and never ask how anyone else is.
She always has a problem with something in life and shuts down any possible solution given to her.
We just carry on what we were doing when she starts and barely engage in the conversation, she doesn't get the hint though.

I think some people just need to talk and there is nothing you can say that will make them feel better. I would suggest listening, nodding and a short acknowledgment of ‘that sounds hard’ or some other comment that reflects you’ve heard her.

Quick hello then pop your headset on for a meeting?

Here’s the trick. You are getting emotionally involved and she’s not asking you to. All she needs is for you to listen, nod, and say that sounds awful. You don’t have to solve her problems, you don’t have to be burdened by her troubles, you don’t have cry with her. Once you realize all you need to do is put on a sad face or a happy face it will make dealing with her much easier.

Find a way to leave the room
Nod and make sympathetic hmm noises but don’t offer advice. Sounds like she’s just venting not looking for solutions
Never tell people they need to think positively!

Get in early and fill her kettle for her every day, “as she has so much on”. Problem solved.

Make an excuse to leave the room, say good morning ! And pop out.
I used to have a Co worker like this , it was all about her boyfriend and his needs . I used to say “oh dear” on repeat. A few months later she stopped dropping by as I wasn’t giving her my full attention and the answers she wanted.
“oh dear, poor you” on repeat, whilst filing, typing, etc

She's telling you in order to unburden herself, not to burden you. You can be sympathetic without needing to be positive. Positive can sound a hell of a lot like dismissive- I find a lot of the positivity movement quite toxic and bad for MH. She's in a difficult position and it's okay for her to acknowledge that.

Stop actively listening. Smile and greet when she comes in then carry on with your work.

Assuming the kitchen is separate from the working environment, leave the room. Say good morning and engage no further.

We have someone a bit like that in our office but no one has headsets, is that something we should be speaking to the boss or HR about? It is a little old fashioned so might be missing a requurement

She's clearly very anxious about this and it's become obsessional in her mind. Whatever you say will only feed the anxiety- if you encourage positive thoughts she'll then counter them with her negative ones and if you agree its awful she'll agree and spiral more into the anxiety cycle.

The only thing you can do is ignore the topic completely and give it the least attention as possible. Dont worry about feeling rude- it's actually not helping her anyway by indulging it because its feeding into the cycle of anxiety, which is making her more obsessed.

So, what I would do is say "yes I see"-give a very bland non emotional grey rock answer. Then immediately change the subject. "Oh hey did you see X on tv the other day?" or mention something going on in your life etc.

This will have to be done many times over and over again but eventually it will start to have an effect. The key is to keep the emotion level as low as possible and not say anything remotely triggering. So lots of hmmmm, yes, I see, yeah, ah ok, oh right, etc Bland non emotional agreements that dont comment whatsoever on her predicament and then changing the topic.

I know that may sound uncaring but ultimately, you feeding into any discussion on this will just raise her anxiety levels and thats why she's getting angry- its not helping her. You arent her therapist or her counsellor and it's not your job to provide her with emotional support. If she's that anxious then she needs to seek appropriate support from her GP or other avenues.

Develop the skill of acknowledging her and then leaving to go and do your work. No way I could spend 30 mins hanging around the the kitchen.

It's OK for OP to not acknowledge it at all. It's her workplace not a group therapy session and half a hour listening to anyone complain about their life (when they are not her friend/family) is not good for her MH either.

Unburdening on work colleagues ad nauseam is quite toxic.

I’d speak with her boss and let them know. Surely there is an EAP available, or they may have something that can help her.

OR

You could also be direct and let her know that you’re sympathetic of her situation, but you find her offloads really difficult to hear and it’s draining - suggests that speaking to her manager or EAP could be helpful, as you are no longer able to be a listening ear.

'Morning, sorry have to dash/get on/go to...'. Repeat.
If she doesn't get the hint then at least you're taking yourself away from the situation.
Much as I feel sympathy for anyone in a difficult situation, they don't have a right to constantly unload to the same people/person all the time, especially if that person isn't particularly close to them.

A random colleague consistently unburdening themselves to colleagues isn't exactly healthy either.

Exactly sure people do chat about non work things this above the call of duty though, she needs a therapist

Actually, no, it's not ok for her to do this every day for 30 mins at a time. Once or twice- fine, I agree, but it's not ok for her to dump all of her trauma and emotional problems on her co workers on a daily basis.

Its inappropriate. Colleagues are there to work, not to be her personal therapist. It also sounds like whatever anyone says its not even helping her anyway as she's getting more and riled up. We are all responsible for our emotional wellbeing. I would expect colleagues to be understanding to a point, but I certainly wouldnt expect my colleagues to listen to the same personal problems every damn day in the office for weeks on end. Thats not ok.

a lady?

I’m in my early sixties. Half of my friends have lost both parents, (sometimes sudden deaths with no obvious preamble). The other half are like me, and your colleague, watching a parent die bit by bit over months or years - half grateful they’re still with you, half locked in long term grief. I ambled through a J. Lewis shop the other day - and realised I may never have my mother’s company in a department store ever again.

Cut her some slack. If you still have any parents that might be you one day. I would say maybe take to leaving cards from counselling services pinned close to the kettle or sink - but these days that might be seen as workplace harassment.

Good grief. I'm in my 60s, I wouldn't dream of discussing any personal or health matters with any of my colleagues. Nobody wants to hear that.
The only response to how are you at work is I'm fine thank you. Even if you are about to die in a few hours.

I wouldn’t report her. Poor woman has enough on her plate. She’s just looking to unburden to a sympathetic ear and you don’t want to be that person. So just make sympathetic responses and leave the room as soon as you can. She will get the message. Don’t make it more of a drama than it is.