I don't know what to keep saying to my coworker

[user1471867483]

My coworker is a lady in her early 60's and she and her brother and sister are looking after their mum who is 92 with dementia. Every day she will come into our office to fill her kettle (as her office doesn't have a sink) and she will give us the latest on her mother's mental state; even down to her bowel movements and what her mum leaves hanging around her flat in strange places. She updates us daily about her mum, so much so I feel drained after. It's not like she's on her own to look after her mum, she has a huge family. When it's just me in the office when coworkers are off, she'll go on sometimes half an hour telling me about her mum.
Anyway, this morning, she came in to fill her kettle again and my coworker asked her how she was and she said, "Oh well. You know I was thinking about my mum and the winter and how if it snows how will her carers get there on time". I said to her, "Well, let's hope the snow won't happen. We have to think positive" and she bit back, "BUT I CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT, THAT IT WON'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT MIGHT". It doesn't matter what I say to try to say to pacify her in the past as well, she comes back with some slight attack. How should I handle her when she comes into the office in the mornings? I'm starting to dread her visits. I can completely understand her predicament, but she doesn't even ask how I am!

But that could turn into an expectation, and then you've made more work for yourself.

This

OP, can you put a headset or headphones on? You're at work, after all. Act as if you're on a meeting/call.

It really is absolutely fine for you to hold your boundaries on this. It's not about being unsympathetic, it's about not sacrificing your own energy levels and well-being, when you can't even really help anyway!

It's literally therapy to talk about it. If she didn't she literally could have a mental breakdown. Until you live it you have no idea what it is like. Please show some compassion

Maybe talk about mindfulness and that you can’t worry about the future as you are not in control of that and that actually that willl help her. A bit differently put to just think positively but also if her mum dementia is getting so bad that she’s worrying about carers turning up maybe she’s gonna have to think about a care home which would make the lady less stressed to. If you don’t wanna engage maybe fill kettle up for her in the morning or just tell the truth and say I wish you well In your life but it’s triggering me as you mentioned that you had issues to

A woman who works in our office is exactly the same, I know a blow by blow account of her mums meds (and when her grandkids got to the toilet) but she has never asked about my life. When she leaves to go back to her area I feel utterly drained and bored stiff. I’ve started to carry on with my work and ignore her it’s so bad

Is it possible to speak to her line manager about it? It could be phrased in a 'I've noticed she's very occupied and seems very worried about it' regarding her wellbeing rather than 'she's doing my head in kind of way'?

OP has already said she has been through similar circumstances herself. Where is your empathy for the OP?

What about the impact to OP? Do you think it's fair that people use their colleagues as unpaid therapists? What about people who might find listening to things like this very upsetting because it could bring up painful or distressing memories for them?

Or headphones. Or a combination of the two if it’s daily.

I have been on the other side, listening to a colleague offload. And when it's constant all day long, every day, my god it's draining. We've had our manager send her home early to give us some respite on occasion. Knowing the background and having empathy does not magically end the exhaustion of listening all day or the need to do the job we are paid to do. Other people matter too.

Literally.

To all those saying 'show compassion', I have completely lived it.

Only child, sole career of an already difficult mother with dementia. Multiple phone calls through the night when I wasn't staying with her, carers and neighbours calling me throughout the day whilst I was at work and every spare minute running around trying to put out the fires she lit (barricading herself into the house / filling her whole trolley with cat food when she has no cat - even the local supermarket had my number), cleaning her house because she became filthy, changing her, dressing her, trying to shower someone that didn't want to shower, fielding the same questions again and again and on and on and on it went. Four and a half years trying to do that, with minimum social care support, whilst juggling a job and two primary aged children.

It's an actual nightmare. But I very much limited my offloading to my few friends, and I never offloaded at work. It's completely inappropriate and selfish.

I don't disagree that she needs to talk to someone - but if she doesn't have friends or family (I have no family), then she should find a support group. Not only is that more appropriate, she will get much more out of it as they will want to talk about it too.

If you can, I would find details for a couple of local support groups - or numbers for national ones - and next time she starts talking about it, take her to one side and say something like "i can see you are really struggling and I am sorry about that. Harsh as it sounds, we don't have the mental capacity in this office to support you in the way you clearly need and we don't have the time to keep stopping work when you want to talk about it. Here are some numbers - I really think you could do with finding people in a similar position who will be far better placed to emotionally support you."

And if she doesn't stop, you have to be brutal "Sarah - I've explained that we can't do this. Sorry I need to get on" ad infinitum.

It’s likely very triggering for Op as she has been through it herself. Where is the compassion from the colleague. She is just unloading without a thought to anyone else.

Oh please. I have been through it myself with my own parent and had no other family support whatsoever as I am an only child. I know exactly what its like.

It is STILL not my colleagues responsibility to prevent me from having a "mental breakdown". What absolute nonsense.

If you are that close to breaking down mentally then you shouldnt be at work in the first place - you should be seeking support in appropriate ways, not describing your mother's bowel movements in graphic detail to all your colleagues.

Your colleagues are not your therapists and its absolutely ludicrous and deeply unfair to expect them to be.

Just ‘awe man that’s rough, a lot to deal with’ be sympathetic, show you heard. Or/then walk away.

If it’s “literally therapy” to talk about it, then she needs to talk about it to someone she knows/is close to, it’s just not OPs burden to take on.
In response to “if she didn’t she could literally have a breakdown”… are you really putting this on OPs shoulders?
Maybe you need to show some of your compassion to OP. It must be such a drain to listen to this for half an hour every day whilst she’s meant to be working. It’s a huge drain for OP, and as awful as the colleagues situation is, I stand by this is not OPs responsibility. It would drive me insane, day in day out.

Or she could talk to a literal therapist?

Being told to think positive, or it may never happen is so annoying. It is a real concern to her and it comes across as dismissive.
She sounds as though she doesn’t actually want her problems fixing by you (as most people don’t), which is great cos you can zone out of these conversations to an extent, nod alone and give a sympathetic word or two.
She may not be dealing with it alone but she may feel like she is, or she may still feel overwhelmed and need support in the form of just telling people.

Just an update. Firstly, I just wanted to thank you all so much for your help in this matter; for taking the time and trouble to reply and to read my thread. I have learnt so much.
Anyway - I had last week off and came back to work yesterday. She knew I was off but did she ask if I was OK or had a nice time? Nope she didn't. I only said hello and that was it. She was hovering in our office waiting for me to ask how she's doing/how things are, but I didn't. Another coworker was present and I left this woman to her to sound off to. I then got up and went to the toilet. I will continue to do this until she gets the hint. It's not because I don't feel for her, but I can't keep being subjected to this 'ritual' each morning and it's got to be broken. It's not like she takes any interest or advice anyway with with I advise, so I'm going to save my previous time and energy on myself and my nearests and dearests.

That's it xxx

Well done Op! And that also shows she’s just using you. Thank you for updating too. Stay strong

"Using me" - spot on! Forgot about that.

Also, hope you did have a lovely week off. Sounds like it was much needed 😊

Great update, well done op.

Right. And that is what therapists are for. This woman needs some therapy from someone who can help. It’s not fair to trauma dump on unqualified colleagues who are just trying to make a living doing their jobs.

'Great update OP'? I'm not from the UK so don't understand the wishy washy weak bs and cowardly subterfuge but this has me especially puzzled. Basically you've not done anything. So, where's the 'great update'?

I don't understand why you can't just get HR to talk to her? Why the ducking and weaving and subterfuge? Just grow up and go to HR and get her spoken to by your manager. There. Over and done with. This is really ridiculous.

Exactly. I get paid to work and not to counsel colleagues.