I don't know what to keep saying to my coworker

[user1471867483]

My coworker is a lady in her early 60's and she and her brother and sister are looking after their mum who is 92 with dementia. Every day she will come into our office to fill her kettle (as her office doesn't have a sink) and she will give us the latest on her mother's mental state; even down to her bowel movements and what her mum leaves hanging around her flat in strange places. She updates us daily about her mum, so much so I feel drained after. It's not like she's on her own to look after her mum, she has a huge family. When it's just me in the office when coworkers are off, she'll go on sometimes half an hour telling me about her mum.
Anyway, this morning, she came in to fill her kettle again and my coworker asked her how she was and she said, "Oh well. You know I was thinking about my mum and the winter and how if it snows how will her carers get there on time". I said to her, "Well, let's hope the snow won't happen. We have to think positive" and she bit back, "BUT I CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT, THAT IT WON'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT MIGHT". It doesn't matter what I say to try to say to pacify her in the past as well, she comes back with some slight attack. How should I handle her when she comes into the office in the mornings? I'm starting to dread her visits. I can completely understand her predicament, but she doesn't even ask how I am!

You have done enough listening and supporting. I don’t know why others think you have to tolerate about hearing her problems on her daily basis. There is only so much you can take. Leave the room when she is around. Contact HR or if there is a well-being rep and let them know. It is not your problem.

What a caring human being you are. All she needs is a couple of minutes to let off steam, she isn't asking you to solve here problems. So much for #bekind, maybe that is only for use for young people with MH issues. I sincerely hope you are never in a position where you need support but if you do find yourself there or one of your children need someone to talk to for a few minutes each day just remember your response to this poor woman.

I thought filling her kettle for her was quite a positive suggestion.
Don't you have work to get on with? Can you maybe let her vent for 5 minutes and then make it clear you need to get on with it? And no-one ask her questions that will start her off. Some sort of support group would be more appropriate.
If desperate is there any possibility of swapping offices so she has the one with the sink?

I've had colleagues with stress dealing with elderly mums / in laws . In my 1st job when I was in my 20s and later on.
Its a stressful thing to deal With!

As pp have said you don't have to solve her problems, just empathise a Bit.

Did you even read the OP? she's been listening to her for ages. Far more than a couple of minutes.

I'm not sure how hearing about her mother's bowel movements on a daily basis = "be kind". Good grief.

I am a lot younger than your colleague but a parent passed away through cancer and I did not once mention this to colleagues at work.
My line manager knew but the team only found out when I took time off for the funeral. I spoke to my friends and family about my issues, not my WORK colleagues. I would not expect to offload all my issues onto someone else I only work with. It’s deeply unfair, especially as you cannot say anything right. My Nan is a lot like your colleague, all doom and gloom and everyone else in the wrong all the time. It’s exhausting to the point of dreading speaking to her.
I would do as others suggest, slip off quickly, put headphones on, don’t engage. Yes it’s awful for her but you are not a therapist and you don’t need to take this on. To the poster about mentioning be kind, all fair and well but not at the detriment of your own mental health.

How do we know she is close to her colleagues though, or that they feel close enough to her to tolerate her constant moaning? I get that her life is hard, but that's not their fault or problem!

I think this is a terrible idea. She will feel an affinity with you and as someone who clearly has thick skin and doesn't 'read the room', it won't be long before she is singling you out because 'you understand'.

I actually think you have to be a bit straight talking with people like this.

'Oh Mary, that does sound hard but honestly, we've been totting up the hours we spend talking about your mum and it's actually having an impact on our work in here. I know you're struggling, but we really have to get on".

This. And get a oair of headphones for the time she’s due to come in every day. Always be on a call or looking like you are too busy to engage. If you’re not on a call, just listen and treat the info she’s giving you as neutral info that only requires a very neutral response. Or in the middle of her stream you could pointedly ask your other colleague how they are today. But I think minimise your involvement. She’s having a tough time but her level of self awareness and professionalism is annoyingly lacking.

Exactly this, no one is close enough to want to hear about her bowel movements whilst making their morning coffee.
I don’t think she should be sharing such personal information.

And I say this as an only child who was the sole carer of my lovely DMum for through six years of Vascular Dementia

👏

It’s not just a couple of minutes. It’s a workplace. Discussing bowel movements is inappropriate. The chats at work probably aren’t helping anyone. They are not friends, with the expectations that brings.

We all have a responsibility to be reasonable to each other, but the colleague also has a responsibility to care for her own mental health and could seek professional support. They’re actually being very selfish by dumping their burden on colleagues (although I appreciate they probably don’t think that.)

Exactly!

Can you solve it by saying :oh dear, sorry to hear that, then:
-visibly busy yourself with work
-out headphones on and avoid eye ckntact

you need to break free from this in a practical way a it has now become a habit for her

As a 67 year old I understand her need to talk about this, but it's just not appropriate and she should know better.

If the situation was in reverse, she'd report you.

Oh give over. OP has been very kind listening to her so far but it’s not fair. It’s now affecting OP mental health but that doesn’t matter? What about the woman thinks of her colleagues and #bekind not to burden them?

30 mins a day and not once she asks the OP how she is. You clearly haven’t met someone like it… This lady should get therapy or speak to friends and family, not bring it to the workplace in this way. I have had some really bad times over the last few years - nearly lost two close family members and they were poorly in hospital for ages, two miscarriages, I did not vent for half an hour a day to anyone, just told my manager and a couple of colleagues what was going on. If they asked me I would offer info but otherwise it’s not really for the workplace.

No, but you could muster up a bit of empathy and hope that you are never in her position

I would struggle very much to deal with that, it would make me feel really anxious.

Agree with other responses, be on a call at this point. Every day.

Or if can, try to tone it out.

Such a dreadful thing she is going through. Poor woman. It’s so hard to care for somebody with dementia.

She had a listening ear with you and has formed a bit of a habit of dumping it all on you because you have been so kind and seemingly, had the time.
So hard to extract yourself now. But you must break that habit for your own sake.

I suggest you think of a few phrases to use whenever appropriate. You simply can’t be giving her your full attention on her personal issues for half an hour every day.
Never ask how she is.
Don’t try to pacify her.
Keep your eyes on your work not on her.
Use work excuses. Eg something like …..
‘Sorry Sarah, I’m really up against it this month, I’ll try and give you five minutes tomorrow instead if neither of us is too busy.”
Then keep it to five minutes every day for the month and say something like “oh, sorry Sarah, look at the time, we must get on now, this work won’t finish itself”
Take it from there.
She will hopefully manage to gradually wean herself off you.
She may even have a light bulb moment and realise it’s too much for anybody every single day.
You could also make sure she has contact details of a carers association if there is one in er area.

Speak to management. Talk about if from the angle of welfare and wellbeing. The effect on you, as well as your concerns for her. Ask that they signpost appropriate support for her because she is clearly struggling and bringing that into work.

This made me laugh @PfishFood 😂

I very rarely mention to anyone (including at work) my mums Alzheimer's journey or the hell I am residing in whilst I help care for her as I know few understand, or care what dementia truly does to people unless they are unlucky enough to experience it first hand.

A little bit of empathy is all she needs and just count yourself lucky you are not in her shoes, it truly is a wicked disease for the sufferer and everyone else involved.

This. I'm finding the responses on here so heartless. How difficult is it to let the co-worker vent, it's probably the only outlet she has. No wonder people have such anxiety and mental health is so dire.

I’ve not read the full thread. But I can be like this. I am ND and can waffle on like this. But I would much rather someone tell me to my face STFU (pardon me) than fake smiling and being polite. I won’t talk to them again.