I don't know what to keep saying to my coworker

[user1471867483]

My coworker is a lady in her early 60's and she and her brother and sister are looking after their mum who is 92 with dementia. Every day she will come into our office to fill her kettle (as her office doesn't have a sink) and she will give us the latest on her mother's mental state; even down to her bowel movements and what her mum leaves hanging around her flat in strange places. She updates us daily about her mum, so much so I feel drained after. It's not like she's on her own to look after her mum, she has a huge family. When it's just me in the office when coworkers are off, she'll go on sometimes half an hour telling me about her mum.
Anyway, this morning, she came in to fill her kettle again and my coworker asked her how she was and she said, "Oh well. You know I was thinking about my mum and the winter and how if it snows how will her carers get there on time". I said to her, "Well, let's hope the snow won't happen. We have to think positive" and she bit back, "BUT I CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT, THAT IT WON'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT MIGHT". It doesn't matter what I say to try to say to pacify her in the past as well, she comes back with some slight attack. How should I handle her when she comes into the office in the mornings? I'm starting to dread her visits. I can completely understand her predicament, but she doesn't even ask how I am!

It's not OPs responsibility to 'understand her predicament'.
OP isn't her counsellor nor a close friend. OP is at work.

That's a good idea, yes. Thank you.

Agree with a previous poster. Has your workplace got an Employee Assistance Programme? Ask HR or her line manager to point her in that direction and she will get the support she obviously needs.

I think that would have been useful to know at the beginning. You have 3 options, I'd say.
1 be empathic and emotionally support her. I don't think thus will work for you.
2 be physically/ practical to help her. No emotions, no positivity. In your example you could have said 'oh that's a possibility. It might be worth salting the paths and driveway so if they can get there they won't slip. Might be worth finding out what the carers are supposed to do in that circumstance.'
3 - 'sorry I don't know how to respond. See you tomorrow' and walk out the room.

Touch her in the arm, look her in the eye, “I know, it’s hard isn’t it, I remember that time too so I’m with you on this. Sorry I must get on, and I still find it quite hard to think about. Have a great day, see you later.”

she gets acknowledgment but not minimising, she knows you’ve been there. You explain you know how hard it is but you don’t feel you want to go there on it now.

she might need support - you aren’t doing anything negative to flag that sensitively to her manager

Oh, you have been through this yourself OP?

Then I agree with @6pence I would just say "sorry you're going through this but I am finding this topic very difficult to talk about as it's bringing up really upsetting memories for me", and say this every time.

Your feelings are just as important as hers and she can hardly get angry at you as you have been through it yourself.

Stop trying to assist her/give advice. Ultimately, people like that don't want advice, they just want to vent out loud.
I used to have a friend like that, and every suggestion of help/support that was offered was met with "Oh, but that won't work for XYZ reason." Eventually I made the swap to sympathetic "hmmm" noises and thoughtful head-nods, and she got bored.

Just make non-committal sympathetic noises, and leave the room as soon as possible.

Just listen. She probably needs to vent to someone. Poor lady

Just sympathise - give her the other side of the script she wants as that's the smoothest path...

Oh god yes that's a worry
Oh no you poor thing that's awful
Oh dear she is very poorly you're doing such a god job of looking after her

Lie, basically

I don't think it is, to be honest. It's not fair to make her feel guilty about this when you could avoid it easily enough by following the suggestions in this thread.

It's not about guilt- it's a boundary that you dont want to constantly be drawn back to an upsetting time in your life. Thats not unreasonable. There are topics I wont engage in because it distresses me too much and it's not me trying to make anyone feel guilty. Its literally that if I get drawn into that conversation I may well cry and noone wants to feel like that at work.

I work with someone like this.

A colleague and I have an agreement that we ring each other pretending it’s work, so there is an excuse to leave the situation.

Its draining. I’ve listened to far more than was necessary, and I don’t saddle anyone with my problems.

Are you my colleague? Our manager is the same and it is so draining!

If possible, say hello and then ignore and carry on working. After all, you are there to work, not to listen to 30 minutes of a co-workers issues. If you can't do that, don't engage; don't try to cheer her up or offer solutions. Whatever doom she pours out murmur 'oh dear, yes I see' and let it wash over you.

If you offer solutions or cheer, she will slap them down, because that is not what this is about. I knew someone who was constantly negative and I used to try to give her solutions but I stopped because it didn't help, she just wanted to pour out her anxiety.

(My mother has dementia, but I rarely talk about it even to friends, never mind colleagues, because they neither want or need to know. And I doubt my mother would want strangers hearing about her continence problems.)

She is obviously in a very difficult place and I hugely sympathise, dementia is one of the most cruel diseases and extremely distressing for the loved ones watching a family member decline in this way.

All that being said, it is not your responsibility to take on this emotional baggage. You are her colleague, not her friend. I would really make an effort to quietly distance yourself, make a point of being at your desk (assuming you work in an office) and perhaps even have some headphones on sometimes to indicate you are busy and not in the right space for a chat.

Why does it have to be OP who 'should' listen to this every day though?

This. It sounds like she's struggling OP. You shouldn't be having to listen to her for half an hour every day, but she is clearly not coping very well and is wanting someone to listen to her/ acknowledge her struggles.

I would probably say it sounds really difficult and ask if she's thought about going to employee assistance, if she's got people she can talk to, etc.

It's not likely to stop without this, because she is struggling and this is part of her coping mechanism. She just needs some support. It's not that relevant that she has a big family - we all cope differently with the different challenges in our lives.

It doesn't, but I think some of the replies on here are quite callous. The lady is clearly struggling so a level of empathy is needed, that doesn't mean OP is responsible, but it's callous to just walk off. I would suggest she tries employee assistance/ check in about what kind of support she has/ tell her that she doesn't seem to be coping and maybe should talk to her manager etc.

Nothing.
Don't engage.
Carry on doing whatever and let her speak.
You could hmm hmm every now and again if she expects a response.

Someone said 'stop actively listening'. Well, it doesn't sound like you're doing that - you are actually busy thinking 'oh, not again', 'she's so negative', 'what solution should I offer', 'what does she want me to say'...

Just listen to what she has to say. Acknowledge and validate with 'hm', 'oh'... And I promise it will take shorter, she will feel heard, and she won't be 'coming back with a slight attack'.

You don't owe her anything but it sounds like she likes you enough to be open and vulnerable with you. Talking will help her immensely. And no, you don't have to feel her emotions and burden yourself. Just validate that this is happening for her and she's allowed to feel the way she does.

I manage a person like that and after 2 years I'm totally and utterly out of any believable response. He has something new happening in his family EVERY DAY! Even when it's something positive he will put a negative spin on it.

I don’t people mean report her as she has done something wrong but to raise concerns about her mental health and see if company can support her eg counselling or info about emergency carers leave if the carers can’t come in the snow.

It's not callous to not want to have someone unburdening themselves on you, every single day, and while at work.

This.
Colleague of my husband is an alcoholic - been dry years.
After being placed with 'that' workmate for several weeks he was very nearly back on the booze from simply having to listen to someone else's woes on a daily basis,
It not always about the person speaking- the person who's having shit dumped on them regularly can end up suffering.

I have been through similar - I don’t go on about it at work. She is not your problem or responsibility. I would disengage and avoid her. Say hi then leave the room, or put headphones on. She’s having a shit time - no need to make it worse, but no need for you to involve yourself either.