I don't know what to keep saying to my coworker

[user1471867483]

My coworker is a lady in her early 60's and she and her brother and sister are looking after their mum who is 92 with dementia. Every day she will come into our office to fill her kettle (as her office doesn't have a sink) and she will give us the latest on her mother's mental state; even down to her bowel movements and what her mum leaves hanging around her flat in strange places. She updates us daily about her mum, so much so I feel drained after. It's not like she's on her own to look after her mum, she has a huge family. When it's just me in the office when coworkers are off, she'll go on sometimes half an hour telling me about her mum.
Anyway, this morning, she came in to fill her kettle again and my coworker asked her how she was and she said, "Oh well. You know I was thinking about my mum and the winter and how if it snows how will her carers get there on time". I said to her, "Well, let's hope the snow won't happen. We have to think positive" and she bit back, "BUT I CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT, THAT IT WON'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT MIGHT". It doesn't matter what I say to try to say to pacify her in the past as well, she comes back with some slight attack. How should I handle her when she comes into the office in the mornings? I'm starting to dread her visits. I can completely understand her predicament, but she doesn't even ask how I am!

It's ironic too, given what MN is for basically because people can't talk to people in RL!

Blueberry’s suggestion I think is perfect:
Why not just be blunt, but fair "Ah, that sounds tough colleague, I've noticed she's on your mind a lot during work hours. Have you thought about talking to HR or getting professional support (eg therapy)?

if she still goes on at you, you could develop into empathy then ask if she's spoken To HR yet and if not ask her if she’d like you to approach HR on her behalf, this may help her realise she’s oversharing and may genuinely help if she does go to HR

OP has already given this woman more than enough empathy.

I agree with others, lol break, fill her kettle, buy a jug that can be filled, (maybe get a huge plant so it’s water the plant and oh I’ll fill your kettle while I’m here.
ear plug, and a sorry I’m on a mission to finish this verrrrry important piece of work.

@user1471867483 Sorry didn’t mean to be rude. But for me, having no filter and not always being able to read social cues, it doesn’t always register that the answer to ‘How are you’ is ‘Fine’ and not an invite to blurt out your whole life story. Maybe ask your colleague to stop asking her and therefore not inviting any conversation.

Yeah, I'd be out the door every time she pops in. She sounds exhausting. If it were the case that she only has you to offload to then I'd try to be more accommodating but it doesn't sound like that's the case here.

She's Colin Robinson, for those who get the reference. Energy vampires are out there and thriving!

Ask her to stop. Keep asking her to stop. Tell her she shouldn't be sharing her mum's private details.

I wonder why you mentioned her age tho

Headphones

I'm an only child to a single parent. I have no other family either. It's just the two of us.

I understand why this lady needs to offload and I'm sorry she's in the situation she is. But no, she shouldn't be sharing intimate details of her mother's care and she shouldn't be using her colleagues to get it out of her system for the day.

One thing I would say though is that if it was the snow episode that tipped you over the edge you picked the wrong battle. To her it is a genuine worry and fear, not catastrophising, and your breezy it might not happen was not at all helpful. It was dismissive and it showed her that you didn't understand her, however much you've been in a similar situation. I get why she snapped.

Take some of the suggestions from here to avoid having to listen to her. You have work. to do and being her therapist isn't it.

The effect is that she is burdering others by dumping everything negative in her life on other people. That's fine if you are doing this occasionally, we all need that, but if you do it on the daily you are using your coworkers as free therapists. It's not right or even appropriate.

I'd be tempted to ask her why she is always so negative about her life.

How about signposting her to the Mumsnet Elderly Parents forum? She could type out all her woes, get understanding and support, and the rest of you could get on with your work.
I sympathise with both parties in this case, she is in a very hard situation, but it is having a negative impact on everyone else too.

I love the idea of filling her kettle for her, before she gets in.

She'll still visit though, because she craves the chance to chat and obviously some people keep asking after her mum out of politeness and perhaps concern, be that feigned or genuine.

Don't involve yourself in the conversation. Say a brisk and breezy hello but train yourself not to follow up with 'how are you?' It's hard to do as it's such an automatic thing to say, but if you do that then you only have yourself to blame if she insists on telling you. Find ways to look busy when she walks in.

Just walk off. You’ve got work to be getting on with. She’ll soon find another mug to listen. It’s so boring and draining. It’s like everyone else finds her life as fascinating as she does.

There are two of us who starts very early. The lady in question shares the office with the line manager. Others come into work two hours after us two.

Oh. Ah. Right...

Yup.

It's interesting, isn't it? I virtually never look for people's previous posts but the comments about multiple threads made me google the user name. What came up was queries about her past threads - on the reddit mumsnet troll hunting page...which I had no idea existed.

Obviously troll hunting is banned on here for obvious reasons, so some Mumsnetters nip over there to discuss their suspicions. It's hard to believe that anyone would make up such detailed and plausible scenarios just to hook people in though.

An energy vampire!
...and I don't just mean the annoying colleagues