I don't know what to keep saying to my coworker

[user1471867483]

My coworker is a lady in her early 60's and she and her brother and sister are looking after their mum who is 92 with dementia. Every day she will come into our office to fill her kettle (as her office doesn't have a sink) and she will give us the latest on her mother's mental state; even down to her bowel movements and what her mum leaves hanging around her flat in strange places. She updates us daily about her mum, so much so I feel drained after. It's not like she's on her own to look after her mum, she has a huge family. When it's just me in the office when coworkers are off, she'll go on sometimes half an hour telling me about her mum.
Anyway, this morning, she came in to fill her kettle again and my coworker asked her how she was and she said, "Oh well. You know I was thinking about my mum and the winter and how if it snows how will her carers get there on time". I said to her, "Well, let's hope the snow won't happen. We have to think positive" and she bit back, "BUT I CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT, THAT IT WON'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT MIGHT". It doesn't matter what I say to try to say to pacify her in the past as well, she comes back with some slight attack. How should I handle her when she comes into the office in the mornings? I'm starting to dread her visits. I can completely understand her predicament, but she doesn't even ask how I am!

I guess you need to think about what you want first. Do you want to avoid her completely and not have these chats or do you feel like you are happy to listen but need it to be less draining on you or do you just not want to say the wrong thing?

because those are all quite different things. On the last one I wouldn’t try and advise or say “it might not happen” I would just make sympathetic noises and say that must be really hard.

Absolutely.

Go to the loo, make a call, take a imaginary call, start eating musli that needs a lot of chewing, type intently, start doing a multistep task.

If I was you, I'd start my own little routine to match her kettle routine that's makes you too busy to be enthralled.

Agree with everything in four words max close ended.

Your right
Must be hard
Sounds rough
That's sad
I know
Yikes
so sad
thats a shame
What can yo do eh?
You amaze me

Must crack on now
Stfu
I'm busy
Piss off
Isn't there work for you to get on with?

A few thoughts. Don't you have a staff room or common room she can go to, to make a tea/coffee with the urn/fridge, sugar, tea, coffee, biscuits etc facilities etc in there? I never imagined people would need a kettle in their own office, as normally that is what staff rooms/common rooms are for, to make your tea/coffee and take back to your office.

Also can you speak to your boss to have talk to her and get her to stop?
Or even HR?

Sympathies - it's really draining when you work with someone like this, but it also must be quite horrible for you to be reminded of painful memories.

People like these are mood hoovers. It doesn't matter what the subject is, they will find a way to be negative.

Don't engage. They don't want advice. They aren't interested in what you have to say. They want to talk at you. Any reaction you give them just encourages them to continue.

Unless you want to use the nuclear option and tell them to stop bothering you then the only way to deal with it is to grey rock. Just say "mmmm". If you have to say something then "oh dear" and "that's unfortunate". Carry on with being busy, don't stop what you're doing, make it clear that you are getting on with things and just giving them half an ear whilst they are there.

If you don't engage and don't give her the reaction then it will discourage her from spending so much time in your office.

Dementia is a terrible disease. But I didn't regale my colleagues with hours about it - they knew what was going on and were sympathetic, but to be honest going to work was a break and a bit of normality so the last thing I wanted was to spend more time thinking and talking about it.

I don’t people mean report her as she has done something wrong but to raise concerns about her mental health and see if company can support her eg counselling

She needs someone she considers close to herself to chat to, and she has that in her colleagues. Wanting to stop that and put her in therapy instead is just an example how the first world gets simple things wrong (and mental health struggles in the first world are a huge problem).

We all want to be part of a community but it has to be a happy, motivating, positive vibes only, right...

Anyway, clearly op has decided what's best for her looking at her responses.

Also take a note my kids class what's app from one mum who can't take any bad news at all. She respounds to anything negative as follows.

Please can talk of X stop, you are upsetting me, I'm so stressed out about everything and I can't cope with this on top.

WhatsApp group has reverted to surface pleasentaries like will the kids get away with black Nike for shoes. Anyone bad going on ( massive fight in class hospitalising kids) we politely ignore. That mum is blissfully unaware

She needs an outlet. That's fair enough. You don't have to be that outlet. That's equally fair. Leave the room, start a phone call, put on a headset or, as another poster very cleverly suggested, fill her kettle when you arrive every morning, so she has no reason to come into your room.

to blank someone who is in distress I feel is pretty harsh. I acknowledge them but not engage in the chat is reasonable and protects OPs mental health if that is what she needs

It's annoying she is getting angry just because you don't know what else to say and she's forcing you to have the same conversation over and over. And it's hard to even say hmm over and over as well. I don't think there's anything you can do apart from tell her you don't have time for this

Her saying that is not "an attack", even a slight one.

I don’t understand why you can’t just say, after a few minutes, "Oh dear, it sounds awful, but I must get on with my work now" or something similar. Then just get in with your work, don’t say anything else, don’t make "I’m listening" noises and don’t give her any more eye contact.

I'm not sure this is the right tact. It's pulling focus to OP which she clearly isn't interested in, or she'd have read the room yonks ago. She DGAF and just wants to trauma dump.

Why not just be blunt, but fair "Ah, that sounds tough colleague, I've noticed she's on your mind a lot during work hours. Have you thought about talking to HR or getting professional support (eg therapy)?

I’ve had coworkers like this in the past. As others have said, the trick is to not engage in any way. Pretend you’re on a call, say “so sorry I just need to send this urgent email”, pop out to have a chat with someone else. If she does manage to catch you, just say mmmm and oh dear and oh no, never offer any kind of comment or advice.

Yep. Totally this. Give her a maximum of five minutes, then: "That sounds so hard." or "So difficult for you all" then just turn away and be busy.

There is difference in occasionally venting and doing it constantly

Noone has blanked her though- they've all been listening for 30 minutes at a time for ages now- hence the OP's post. People have been listening and trying to offer support for a long time so noone has been lacking in empathy or understanding. The issue is, this isnt stopping- its going on and on and on and on.

There comes a point where you can do no more. It's not as if the very first time she mentioned it everyone just walked off. Clearly the support they've already offered isnt helping this woman. It's not uncaring to recognise that you cannot help someone any more and that her needs are far beyond what you can realistically give.

This needs to stop now and she needs to find a more appropriate outlet than the work place.

I used to work with a woman who went on and on about her DC and her struggles. I could absolutely sympathise with her as her situation was awful, however, there is a point where it’s not fair to keep putting work colleagues in to a predicament to have to listen to your problems for hours a day.

One woman actually reported her to the manager and said she couldn’t take it anymore as she doesn’t come to work to have to be an agony aunt. I wouldn’t have done that as there’s nothing more stressful than when there’s something wrong with your child and so I really did sympathise and empathise (as I’m in a similar boat) but even I thought she needs to stop constantly taking about the situation at work. Mention and update but leave it there!

The woman at your work would get on my nerves. I wouldn’t ask her any questions and pretend I was busy!

I didn't say that. I said some of the replies on this thread are callous, which they are.

It's possible to handle the situation in an empathetic way and still get the result you want (i.e. not having someone unburdening themselves on you).

But they aren't friends, they are colleagues. OP clearly does not consider herself to be close to this woman; is OP supposed to just make herself available to be this woman's emotional sounding board whenever required? Is it not selfish to impose yourself and your problems on someone, regardless of whether they are interested or whether it's appropriate?

OP's said that her colleague has a large family so she is not on her own - there are people in her family that she can talk to about this. If her OP's colleague has a bad day then I can understand having a quick chat, but tying up someone's time for 30 minutes whist you talk about your relative's bowel movements is not fair or appropriate. I don't know many workplaces - western or otherwise - that would be happy with this.

Womens are not emotional support animals.

The problem in the 'first' world is that people feel that their individual needs are more important than anyone else's and feel entitled to trample over everyone else. It is selfish and entitled behaviour.

What a waste of everyone’s time! Just smile, say one nice thing and then “Got a lot of work to today.” Hanging round chatting for half an hour! Good grief.

I have a colleague who thankfully now works from home almost permanently, but when she was in the office, she would do the rounds at home time, spending far too much time with everyone, being generally annoying and oversharing.

On days where I just couldn't face it, I'd hear her coming then call my mobile from my desk phone and pretend to be on a call!

I'm not in any way naive to the challenges she must be facing day to day (I care for my gran daily and I work caring for the elderly). Dementia is a horrible disease and sadly more of a marathon than a sprint. Things must be really tough for this lady.

However, she is trauma dumping. You haven't in any way invited this conversation nor encouraged it and she has no interest in your opinions or thoughts and suggestions. This is a one way conversation and she is oversharing personal at times distressing information without considering or whether you are willing or ready to receive it. You are now left with guilt and anxiety about future interactions and find the conversations overwhelming and this is a daily occurrence.

You are now in a tricky situation. I would be discussing with management as a very last resort but at the end of the day you have to be there every day and this is going to affect your mental health if it continues. She may need therapy but she definitely needs an outlet, like a support group for people in similar situations who can provide a listening sympathetic ear.

Well I have been there with one parent, and getting there with another, (am late 50s, work and have children still at home) and I would STILL find the woman's self absorption draining and very boring to hear.

The OP HAS cut her some slack, and appears to have been a kind and sympathetic ear, which is why the co-worker feels she can offload. Every day. Every single day.

She has "pent up emotion"? And why is that the OP's job to hear her out?

I have a friend a bit like this, I've had to distance myself as a result.
The same stories and trauma over and over again. Tales from years back retold as if they were yesterday.
I tried to be the listening ear and offer empathy, but when you've heard the same story a dozen times or more, it becomes draining. It leaves no room for your own needs or anything you're going through.
I agree with a lot of what's been said. Give yourself permission to step back. Say you must get on.
If the reaction from your colleague is negative, let it be. I would mention to a line manager so they can signpost to additional support.