I don't know what to keep saying to my coworker

[user1471867483]

My coworker is a lady in her early 60's and she and her brother and sister are looking after their mum who is 92 with dementia. Every day she will come into our office to fill her kettle (as her office doesn't have a sink) and she will give us the latest on her mother's mental state; even down to her bowel movements and what her mum leaves hanging around her flat in strange places. She updates us daily about her mum, so much so I feel drained after. It's not like she's on her own to look after her mum, she has a huge family. When it's just me in the office when coworkers are off, she'll go on sometimes half an hour telling me about her mum.
Anyway, this morning, she came in to fill her kettle again and my coworker asked her how she was and she said, "Oh well. You know I was thinking about my mum and the winter and how if it snows how will her carers get there on time". I said to her, "Well, let's hope the snow won't happen. We have to think positive" and she bit back, "BUT I CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT, THAT IT WON'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT MIGHT". It doesn't matter what I say to try to say to pacify her in the past as well, she comes back with some slight attack. How should I handle her when she comes into the office in the mornings? I'm starting to dread her visits. I can completely understand her predicament, but she doesn't even ask how I am!

Can you leave the room? If you're not prepared to ask her, frankly, not to do it this then this seems to be your only choice.

I just wanted to thank you so much for your replies already. They have helped my thinking a lot. True, I am not responsible for her or her problems.

I used to have a colleague like this, it is absolutely dreadful. She used to trap everyone and it was almost impossible to get away from her once she had you in her sights. I wish now that I had complained about her but I sort of felt sorry for her too - that's where they get you.

I wouldn’t give her solutions, just a brief acknowledgment of how tough that sounds something along those lines.

My DGM had dementia and whilst it is a cruel disease I never mentioned it at work. Other people have their own concerns.

When she comes in I would walk out. You are not her friend or her therapist.

I’d just blank her. Don’t respond.

You’ve listened. You’ve sympathised. You’ve tried to be positive.

None of it’s working. Time to give up.

You’re there to work. You’re not a counselling service.

Exactly.

I sympathise with you and your colleague.

It is draining and tiresome to listen to someone who is constantly miserable. It’s not your job to listen to her, be supportive or offer advice. Previous posts have given you a lot of good tactics to avoid engaging with her. Vary them a bit and you’ll probably avoid almost all of it without hurting her feelings.

And that’s where I sympathise with her too. She almost certainly would prefer not to have these things on her mind. And to realise she was thought of as annoying would hurt her feelings.

When we care about a vulnerable person, as her mum clearly is, we have to be mindful of possible problems even if they might not happen. Anything that might harm them is worrying.

You mentioned that she has siblings that share the load in a practical sense, but the worry can’t be shared and reduced in the same way. Cut her some slack and just hope someone worries about you should you get to be 92., even if it does irritate their colleagues 😬

"Oh well. You know I was thinking about my mum and the winter and how if it snows how will her carers get there on time". I said to her, "Well, let's hope the snow won't happen. We have to think positive" and she bit back, "BUT I CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT, THAT IT WON'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT MIGHT". It doesn't matter what I say to try to say to pacify her in the past as well, she comes back with some slight attack.

@user1471867483 perhaps if you need to respond you could try repeating back something similar to show you've heard her, sometimes that is all people want to be heard so they feel they have someone who understands their burden. EG " Oh yes I can see your concern, if it snows you feel they might not be able to come and help her as usual". Obviously in the right tone of voice

A colleague used to do this to me, in the smoking area when we both smoked, so tricky to avoid. I told her to sort out her issues and be proactive rather than keep telling me the same thing every morning, but we were very friendly so it wasn't too tricky.

I echo leaving the room, desperate for the loo or something. Does she spend ages in your area? Are you on a break when she comes in as it sounds like the kitchen? Be absorbed in work, ignore, don't remark on her telling everyone stuff, don't engage.

pretty harsh

You don't understand her predicament unless you have been through it. She is doing two jobs and is in her 60s. As they say: Cut her some slack. I would just say good morning and make some comment about the weather and get on with your work. At the end of the day it is not really any of your business and she is letting vent as she probably has a lot of pent up emotion, poor lady. You can't really empathise or comment unless you have been there. Your job is to be polite and get on with your work.

Telling someone with worries to be 'positive' is as useful as offering 'thoughts and prayers '.

If you can't get away when she comes in, then tune out.

This.

She shouldn't be using you as a dumping ground, and it is not your problem but wow, so little understanding on here of what it is like to be in your 60s, working, and dealing with your mother's dementia. So what if she has other siblings to share the load? And does not compare to "My DGM had dementia" in any way.

It can be pure hell to deal with a parent falling apart in front of your eyes. Your world shrinks and nothing else seems of any importance by comparison because what's happening to your loved one is so very traumatic and draining.

The thing is I have been there and she knows it and she knows my vulnerable circumstances, but still she persists.

I'd agree to an extent with the pp saying she needs a listening ear and no feedback, early on. If its been ages and she does it constantly there's no sin in not engaging beyond hello and goodbye. You're not there to be her audience, if you don't want to be. It's very sad her mum has deme tia and if she was alone in her care and had few friends I'd say differently and would say colleagues would be kind to listen but as she has lots of support it sounds like she's an oversharer and the moment she started getting surly at you or not noticing the social cues of a non committal generic reply then I'd switch off.

A good morning, the headphones in and look at computer til she leaves.

OP, I have been known to stick my noise cancelling headphones on and open a random pre-recorded training video (my screen is visible) and look really engrossed to detract from an incoming annoyance.

The thing is I have been there and she knows it and she knows my vulnerable circumstances, but still she persists.

Come on, @user1471867483 - you know how drip feeding is viewed here …

I worked with someone like this. I didn't want to be rude because she was facing some challenging issues, but I didn't want to know everything either. So I started saying hello/good morning with a smile, and I'd leave. She'd switch her attention on the nearest other person. If she came to my desk, I'd either make my phone calls/listen to my answer machine messages or leave for the toilet/make tea. Never ask, "How are you?" Nor, "Are you alright/okay?" Because it gives her an opportunity to talk about stuff. If she saw me making tea and talking chatting, I'd smile and say see you later, and leave. As long as you say it nicely, it works.

I'd get one of those big bottles of water and gift it to her because you don't like her getting herself upset at work having to keep coming in and getting water and when it is empty, you'll refill it for her she just needs to ask.

I have been in her place- my dad died from dementia at a much younger age than her mum. Yes it’s horrific but it’s still inappropriate for her to be telling you all her mums details. I actually think she’s out of order doing that- telling others intimate details about her mums care. That should be private. I wouldn’t want all my personal details being shared with people I dont know, it’s not very respectful.

I get that she’s clearly in a bad place but work is not the environment to be sharing that. There is support out there for people going through this and she should access that if she wants to vent that heavily.

As for the people criticising you for being too positive, the OP is not a trained mental health professional so it’s hardly fair to be criticising her for not “counselling” this woman in the correct way. If you vent to co workers you dont know that well you can hardly then get annoyed that they aren’t reacting like a psychologist would!

Then you could genuinely say that you totally understand as obviously you’ve been through it, but her, in detail, conversations are actually upsetting for you and bring back past memories and emotions. You could say that you are sure she understands but could she keep it to a couple of minutes to minimise your almost ptsd reactions.

I'm not sure OP would consider it appropriate to use her colleagues like this tbh.

As PP says, just immediately get up and go to the loo when she arrives, or pop out to get something from another office. Break the routine.

Why?
It's true.