How to deal with ‘hello beautiful’

[Sunflowersandspiders]

A man in my office has started saying ‘hello beautiful’ to me when I see him. It seems to be a common schtick for him that he deploys on lots of women I work with. It makes me uncomfortable, I want it to stop, but I don’t know what to say. ‘Hi John, do you mind not commenting on my appearance please?’

At the moment I’m avoiding him, trying not to walk past his desk, no eye contact if he walks past mine. Probably can’t be sustained eternally.

Sidebar: why do men do this? Control? I am so tired of having to navigate this shit in the workplace.

I think I'd go along the lines...

Good morning gorgeous

Good morning John, my name is Jane, that'll do fine thanks.

I find it best to keep it simple:
"Hello Joe, I prefer being called MillenialAvocado please" or "Hi Joe, please call me MillenialAvocado".

@GreenPoppy I think that's the typical Mumsnet response - anyone over 55 who behaves in a way that someone on this forum doesn't like must be starting dementia 😆😆. He was in full possession of his faculties and the last I heard of him, he hadn't been dumped in a cafe home but was having a happy and active retirement with his wife.

You said he was elderly, prone to confusion, kept calling you Mr, and made a completely inappropriate comment. So I'm not exactly pulling a diagnosis out of the air.

Depending on the decade, it's perhaps not surprising you laughed and let it go. It is surprising that you still seem proud that you let it go.

I worked in advertising in the 90s - the creative guys had a chart of the top 10 female arses, and there was a stripper at a leaving do. Did I challenge any of this? No, I didn't care, it was normal at the time. Do I retell it with pride that I didn't challenge it? Of course not.

@Growlybear83 So the Chief Further Education Officer in a local eduction authority was obviously so out of it that there was no way he could do his job effectively- and that was funny too? And you all laughed at a man disintegrating before your eyes? Bloody hell. I can't tell you how much I hope none of this is true.

Whatever sentiment/tone you think is behind the comment just reply in kind.

@GreenPoppy
@CurlewKate
You have both completely misread my posts. I will explain what I said again to make it clearer. I was talking about two separate people.

The man who made the comment about me being clever for a woman was the Chief Further Education Officer. He was close to retirement age but was in no way mentally compromised in any way. I worked reasonably closely with him for a couple of years before he retired - I believe he took slightly early retirement and was about 60 when he left.

The man who called me by the wrong name was the Director ( of Education). He was also close to retirement age and was prone to getting names muddled up. I did not know the Director well and he retired about six months after I started work there.

I did not say that either man was 'disintegrating before my eyes' - you have completely made that up 😆. The Director got names muddled up - so do lots of people, including me. He didn't have dementia and neither do I. It was actually quite funny being called Peter in a meeting. That didn't affect his ability to do his job in any way.

The Chief Further Education Office made a sexist comment. I chose not to clutch my pearls and have a fit of the vapours but found it amusing, as did the other women and men in my team.

I hope that clarifies my previous posts .

What do you mean by that? I have to put up with incessant comments from men and boys. I'm 20 and I guess I'm what would be called "conventionally attractive" but that does NOT mean that every ugly creep can call me "a babe" or "darling" and thoroughly demean my person. But they do and I have to spend my day thinking up answers to "you're cute" (I'm not!) or "cor - you look good" (a lot of the time I don't!).
And please don't try the "poor little rich girl" approach with me - I know there ARE advantages to being thought attractive but there are a f🔱¢kload of disadvantages too.

Sorry - just read that back and I didn't mean to sound annoyed with anyone in particular. Just generally.

Yes and they need to be told they AREN'T being charming, just creepy.

@Growlybear83 you chose 'not to clutch your pearls' at the sexist comment of a man in charge of the education of girls and young women?

This really isn't the admirable, easygoing stance you think it is. It's actually just spineless.

😆😆😆. I think we'll have to agree to disagree in that case. This happened many years ago, and i expect some people might have taken offence at the time, but thankfully I didn't work with people who had a sense of humour bypass and could see it as a daft comment. It didn't in any way affect the man's ability to do his work, any more than not finding it offensive affected my ability to do my job.

Exactly this is the approach to take not have a hissy fit and run to HR. One of my daughters was telling me about 2 young women where she works (both in 20s) - one made a negative comment about transgender possibly to do with the Olympics and the other young woman took offence and reported her to the manger which caused a lot of bad feeling in the office, there is too much of all this, as I've said before give me 1984 any day,

Fair enough! I don’t like confrontation or hassle at work. Certainly don’t go looking for it. And I am not saying a greeting like this is always said with sexist overtones.

But it is intrinsically sexist I think to comment on a women’s appearance in this day and age in a professional setting. Who gave him the right? I find it, at the very least, presumptuous and impolite.

And I maintain it’s useful and good to recognise when a compliment is a compliment and when it isn’t.

My “test” is whether my father or dh of thirty years - both very decent men - would say that to a woman at work and if the answer is “not in a million years” then I reckon I am on the right track.

I think there’s a lot of cheeky supposed “happy chappy banalities” that get said at work with the express intent of testing the waters to see how far some men can push it. So as a rule I think it’s important to shut down anything like that at the start.

Some men also like to exploit young women who have been socialised to be “nice” for kicks. So important for those of us who don’t mind being labelled “humourless cows” to immediately stamp on that sort of behaviour imho 😀😂

Off the main topic, but it isn't that travelling on the tube in London is unsafe now, it's that your perceptions have changed, because it's your daughter so you worry about her! And perhaps you read news stories about a stabbing or whatever and forget that most people in this massive city live their lives day to day without experiencing anything of the sort. I'm sure she's enjoying life just as you did.

I've commuted on the tube since the mid '80s and still do.

I think it was worse then, or at best the same as now. I don't travel late evening now much so not sure what it is like then. In the 1980s we had IRA bomb scares, smoking carriages, harassment from men in broad daylight. And by harassment I don't mean chatting, I mean flashing, openly reading porn etc.

You don’t have to think up answers. I’ve always found an unimpressed look and ignoring it works fine.

Not sure if it's the same, but one guy I work with always says 'thanks ladies'

Not sure why really but I find it offensive. He wouldn't say 'thanks gents'

I can’t pretend I remember any of that but I do agree with what I think is your general point: why are people so soft and whingy these days. It really is so much better. It’s like people who were outraged to be asked to lock down during covid. Try explaining how being on the sofa with a dvd box set five minutes after logging off from work I was so harrowing to the men of our great grandparent’s generation who were in the trenches.

I don't necessarily agree people are 'soft and whingy'. If OP wants to take issue with being called 'Beautiful' that's up to her and I'd support it. Just because I don't personally see it as a big deal doesn't mean it isn't to her. I'm taking into account that I'm from the generation where women were graded for the best arse in the company etc, so 'Beautiful' is a bit water off a duck's back.

If all the women in the past hadn't said something about being patted on the arse, being given patronising comments etc nothing would have changed. It's just a new boundary, and it's ok to have that put in place for this generation.

Well it was said a lot back in the day. I acknowledge times have changed. Not always for the better though. Everyone is so uptight these days. A slur is a slur. A racist comment is a racist comment but calling someone beautiful really isn’t or shouldn’t be perceived as sexist.

Gross! What a weirdo. (Sorry no help but sympathy!)

I'm not necessarily saying travelling on the tube is more dangerous but London as a city is lot more dangerous than it was 20 or 30 years ago. the crime figures prove that's the case with numerous stabbings as its awash with illegal drugs. We live near London but don't tend to visit anymore, I used to go up regularly with friends to go to the theatre but went up earlier this year to see a play and I didn't like it at all for various reasons and I won't be visiting again anytime soon - not in the evening anyway

Yes that is true about the bottom patting and I was thinking myself thank goodness it isnt like that now. But the point is it has to stop somewhere. It can’t go endlessly on and in objecting to more and more trivial things. Though I think it will…

There are more stabbings, mainly teenage gangs. And a lot more street thefts. Overall though I feel safe, just keep my phone out of sight.

I just don't buy the 'everything was better in the 80s when no-one took offence' narrative. I worked at one place where the owners were outright racist to a young South Asian lad who was working there, telling him to carry baskets on his head etc. I'm sure they look back on it with a 'oh we were having a laugh' etc. He definitely wasn't, though he rolled with the punches, as you had to back then.