How to deal with ‘hello beautiful’

[Sunflowersandspiders]

A man in my office has started saying ‘hello beautiful’ to me when I see him. It seems to be a common schtick for him that he deploys on lots of women I work with. It makes me uncomfortable, I want it to stop, but I don’t know what to say. ‘Hi John, do you mind not commenting on my appearance please?’

At the moment I’m avoiding him, trying not to walk past his desk, no eye contact if he walks past mine. Probably can’t be sustained eternally.

Sidebar: why do men do this? Control? I am so tired of having to navigate this shit in the workplace.

Please see my above posts.

Re the touched up by men in the office, please note my explicit comment that touching ( my example was pinching bottoms) clearly crosses a line. I think I would say anything overtly sexual or that involves physical intrusion is a sensible line.

The point I am trying to get people to consider is where should that line be. At anything that offends anyone anywhere? Obviously if you KNOW something will offend someone, it isn’t nice to say it. But this is about how far we can wade in and police other’s views and style.

This should be a discussion, not a pitched battle.

@Calliopespa "

The point I am trying to get people to consider is where should that line be."

As this is 2024 it should be obvious that addressing a co worker in a way that refers to personal appearance is automatically over the line. Particularly if it is sex specific.

Seriously? Of all the things going on in the world right now, war, people loosing their homes, their family, their entire lives and you're crying over someone calling you beautiful? Get a grip.

It embarrasses me to say I am in this generation of snowflakes. You don't have to be offended by everything. Women seriously don't understand why we don't hold any significant positions of power in the world? Look at yourselves. When did you all become so weak? Women used to be on the home front keeping this country going during the war, now you can't even make it through the working day without crying or winging over someone giving you a compliment. No wonder companies are less inclined to employ women. Women like this give the rest of us a bad name.

@Bunnygirl1902 "Women used to be on the home front keeping this country going during the war"

You did notice that as soon as the national emergency was over, women were straight back to the kitchen because men wanted their jobs? Society had to change significantly before we got anything approaching equality. And standing up to sexism and being trivialised in the workplace was an essential part of that process.

@Bunnygirl1902 And incidentally, nobody is crying or being a snowflake. You weaken your case, such as it is, by hyperbole.

Hilarious. Because of course us laydeez aren't capable of concerning ourselves with more than one thought at a time.
When you consider that a huge number of MN threads are about pretty trivial issues you must be a seriously busy bee posting on every one to tell the wimmin to get a grip.

And absolutely - the reason so much inequality still exists is because we bring it all on ourselves.

I wouldn't be surprised if some posters on this thread still enjoy being heckled by builders or miss the days when a random bloke could grab your bum or accidentally rubbing up against you. All harmless fun. And such a compliment

I think bum grabbing has been roundly and universally condemned in this thread.

Yes I did and I can see why. Look what happens when women like this are in the workplace. They cause nothing but hard work making a big thing out of absolutely nothing. Men just get on with it. Quite frankly women like this should be kept in the kitchen out of the way until they can get a bloody grip. Women like this will be our demise.

@Calliopespa

I'm not so sure about all posters ...

I am exagerating? You're calling for this poor guy to be reported to HR for saying 'Hello beautiful'. You can't see how absolutely insane that is?

It's easy to "just get on with it" when you've not had to wade through sexism or misogyny in some form on a regular basis since you were at school though.

But in terms of considering whether in 2024 we have reached an overly reactive attitude, to say this is 2024 and it must be obvious it is not acceptable is circular reasoning.

I’m not going to die in a ditch over the beautiful comment. I’ve already said I would find it cheesy and would tell men in my family not to speak like that. BUT the level of resistance on this thread to the concept that it isn’t important to draw lines as to how much we can silence people because it isn’t to our taste essential makes the point for me that people are blind to the implications of that. And there is evidence of the very aggression which another poster observed: lots derisory “FGS” and name-calling because they want to shout people down.

Because of course us laydeez aren't capable of concerning ourselves with more than one thought at a time.

Well I assume so seeings as you struggle spelling very basic words. You aren't really helping your case there.

How can you expect to be treated with respect and in the same regard as men when you can't even stand on your own two feet and not run to HR every 5 minutes with the most tedious complaints. Do you see men crying about these stupid things? Could you imagine a man breaking down because Suzie in accounts said 'morning handsome'.

He probably has no idea. Just take him aside and say:

You are probably not aware but saying that in today's workplace is inappropriate and considered sexist so please can you stop. Just use my name. Thank you.

"Hello John. Are you calling me "beautiful" because you've forgotten my name? I'd far rather you admitted it and asked me to remind you. It's @Sunflowersandspiders".

Yes we can have a discussion but you talking about being worried and frightened about where the world is going is in itself raising the heat of the discussion. You're being disingenuous if you don't think your own language matters.

Just because YOU are not offended by this kind of casual sexism in the office, doesn't mean that other people shouldn't be. It's annoying and patronising and I would find it irritating too. The language used forms the culture of an office every bit as the processes and procedures.

The way that people in your camp imply that everyone who doesn't like this kind of language is some kind of weakling is regressive and stereotyping. You can be brilliant at your job, a fantastic negotiator, a great colleague and still not like being called sweetheart, or beautiful, or darling. Asking how best to handle the situation without inflamming it, as the OP has is just sensible.

@Bunnygirl1902 "Could you imagine a man breaking down because Suzie in accounts said 'morning handsome'."

"Breaking down" hyperbole again!. I can actually see a man being made uncomfortable and feeling patronised in these circumstances- and he shouldn't have to put up with it.

As I think many people have pointed out, most people would consider a complete stranger touching them to be unacceptable, particularly patting or pinching a bottom. But quite honestly, on the very rare occasions I get a wolf whistle or a comment from a builder (or some other random man) now I'm an old biddy, it does give me a little lift.

Well said, people need to get a bloody grip

Exactly my thoughts too.

Agree. As someone who's forever been considered "conventionally attractive" (OK if anyone thinks I'm "up myself", but it's true), then I have had to endure creeps making sexist or misogynistic comments every day of my life, and anyone trying to stop this is worthy of support in my book.

Would people be happy with a 50 year old male boss calling their 17 year dd in her first job "beautiful"?

Tell me you know very little of the reality of sex based discrimination without telling me you know very little of the reality of sex based discrimination.

'Laydeez' is an ironic spelling. It's not a misspelling. There is a reason behind it.

You are clearly not familiar with the power imbalance behind male/ female workplace interactions and interactions in the wider world. Referring to a woman's physical appearance in a workplace is the equivalent of a wolf whistle outdoors.

Maybe look up the salary 'Suzie' in accounts takes home vs. the salary 'handsome' in accounts might take home.

Maybe ask yourself if the man says "Good morning beautiful" to the men in the office, his manager or his boss, or just women whom he perceives to have lesser status than him.