Fuming about interview questions

[Bunny44]

I'm a single mum looking for a new job after losing my job and being dumped while pregnant. I started looking for a new job when he was 6 months and he's now 10 months.

As a single parent I need a job ASAP but I'm finding it so hard (for the first time in my life) to get one. I'm convinced in part because I now have a baby.

I try and avoid mentioning I have a baby but it tends to come up when they ask about the gap since my last job but also I've been asked several times now directly about my marital status and if I have kids. I dodge the marital status question all together but mention I have a baby. I've then had follow up questions like, "what are your childcare arrangements?" Or "will you be able to travel with a baby at home?"

Several times they've made it clear that I'm a favourite/they're very interested but then i get dropped for some BS reason as soon as I get this question (nearly always from a man in his 50s). I'm applying for jobs which I'm well qualified for and they're quite specific so usually I get invited to interview. I prepare a lot in advance and I usually get no negative feedback even when asking for it.

I work in tech and we're told that it's a modern industry, how much they care about people and equality but all seems such BS in reality. I've always been a high performer and never had an issue getting a job but it seems the moment you're pregnant suddenly you're no good and they don't care.

I've just been asked that question yet again today by yet again another man in his 50s and I'm so fed up. This was interview number 7 for the same job, so 7 hours of interviews, all of which were very positive but I just have a hunch I'm going to get yet another rejection... I've done maybe 40+ interviews now. I prep significant amounts of time which involves staying up late when my baby is sleeping or pulling favours from my mum. I'm so exhausted at this point.

What can I do? Should I let the in house recruiter know I was asked this question? Should I be rejecting to respond to questions like this?

This is pure discrimination OP. You need to report but perhaps wait until the outcome of the interview process.

Next time you’re asked you really need to lie. Just say you were caring for a dying relative or you felt like going travelling.

I get why you might say this but it 100% guarantees that you won’t get the job. You’ll be labelled a troublemaker who’s going to bleat on about rights and discrimination.

I’d lie, straight up LIE.

nope, single, went travelling, no baby.

What are they going to do when they find out you do have a baby? Certainly not bring it up, because if they do you would of course look ASTONISHED and say ‘Why, I don’t at all remember you asking me in interview! In fact, I’m sure you must be wrong as, as we all know, such a question would constitute indirect sex discrimination! Are you saying you WOULD have asked me that?’

😊

See, I don’t think mums are necessarily less reliable. If a mum has a good job which is flexible and accommodates her caring responsibilities, she will work incredibly hard to keep it, because those sort of jobs are like gold dust.

When employers say “less reliable” what they mean is “not available in the office 9-5 every single weekday”. Which is a very old fashioned way of looking at things. People can be reliable and still work part-time or flexible hours or wfh.

You don't have to be completely honest in your CV. I moved dates around on my CV so no gaps are shown.

I sympathise but the only answer is to reassure them that there will be zero impact on your ability to work so you stay lighthearted and say:

“yes I’ve had some time off for maternity leave, but my partner is a SAHD so he is itching for me to get back to work and leave him to it and to be honest so am I” and launch into why you’re excited about the role.

it doesn’t have to be true, because you’re right it’s none of their business but statubg that, getting defensive, avoiding answering the question or otherwise appearing as awkward will have you marked down as “tricky” even if it’s in the face of overt unreasonableness.

That’s exactly what I was going to say.
Just lie. They’ll never be able to pull you up on the lie, because in doing so, they would implicate themselves.
If you can’t lie about having time off for maternity leave, then say you have a SAH husband .

Additionally not all mums are looking for flexible working or part-time either. I know some dads are.

It's fullstop discrimination assuming anything just because of gender, ethnicity, age etc. There is a reason why these things are protected characteristics because of conscious and unconscious bias which negatively impact certain groups.

Did the interviewer tell you his age?

No, not all mums want flexible working or part-time. But when employers say “mums aren’t reliable” they’re usually talking about those who can’t work 9-5 Mon-Fri in the office.

Lots of people need alternative working approaches for a variety of reasons. Health issues, disability, elderly parents, kids… But employers still discriminate against anyone who’s not able to do 9-5 Mon-Fri.

If I was asked at an interview if I had kids, I would just look shocked and say "oh gosh, I didn't think that was a question that could be asked. But anyway, it's nothing something you would need to worry about."

Keep it light but show you know it's an inappropriate question and head it off without actually answering.

This is exactly how I felt pre-motherhood.
Our generation were told we could have it all, family and career. What a load of bollocks that was.
The company I worked for is a household name with amazing HR policies, but you are often at the mercy of the people directly above you and they can ignore those polices with various excuses.
"Take them to tribunal" - my confidence was too broken for that and as a new mum I just didn't have the emotional or physical energy.
I went back to work (having been forced into a new role within company while pregnant) and lasted a couple of years before they wore me down and. drove me out.
My mental health took a battering and now having been a stay at home mum for a decade, I'm not sure I'll ever work outside the home again, (although I do do some freelance WFH stuff.)

OP, If they're asking these questions at interview - which admittedly they shouldn't - you don't want to work for them anyway. They would make your life more difficult. I hope you find a company that values you.

It's crap, I'm sorry. When I went back to work after having a baby I found my job had been changed and I faced various bits of discrimination. We're so far off from achieving equality that it hurts.

Could you say that you were a full time carer during your break and now no longer need to carry out that role so are returning to work? It's not a lie, it's just slightly reframed. If they pry further you can say you'd prefer to not discuss the details.

As much as this sucks though, it is weeding out the employers who won't be supportive. You need someone who will understand when you need to rush home one day because your child is poorly, or you want to take a day off for a sports day that the school forgot to tell you about, or whatever. Those employers are out there, trust me.

They shouldn't be asking questions like this! I've been involved in recruiting for my company and we would never ask about someone's childcare arrangements or marital status! They can ask about employment gaps and relocation but asking a woman about childcare is crossing the line into discrimination. You should complain

I hope you get this job, OP but, if you need to keep looking, I agree with another poster, OP - lie. We should be well and truly past this sort of crap, but we're not. Come up with a feasible reason for the career gap that makes plain the gap is not because of an ongoing issue (e.g. travel, caring for a relative/friend who has now recovered etc). It's illegal for a potential employer to directly ask if you are married or have children, but they can ask questions that are reasonable to ask any candidate, such as, 'are you available to work overtime/travel overnight on occassion?'

The older women have given up. We've been experiencing it all our lives since we were late teens. Being asked in interviews if we have a boyfriend, if we have any plans to get married, if we're planning to have children. It's so intrusive, assumes heterosexuality, and implies you'll be a useless person once pregnant or a mother. With smal businesses it was always so so obvious they just didn't want to pay even the minimum legal amount of maternity pay or have to cover the maternity leave. I used to lie, it was the only way to get a job.

If I was you, OP, I'd not admit to having a baby at all. Invent something for your pregnancy time, something they can't prove isn't true, like travelling or whatever. Deny having a baby if asked outright, get through your probation at least before mentioning your DC at all. Your childcare is sorted so it shouldn't be an issue. It's not the same as lying about your working skills. They can hardly fire you when they find out you have a baby without leaving themselves open to a discrimination claim. They'll hate you for lying, but they hate you for being a mother anyway. So would you prefer to be hated and have a job or to be hated and not have one? It'll feel like leading a double life, but is that an issue at work? I don't bring my whole self to work, they wouldn't like it! I bring the conscientious employee side of me to work, suppress the rest and real life happens when I leave for the day.

Agree with previous poster.

Lie, say you went travelling volunteering overseas. Looked after sick relative.

Or say you have a stay at home parent , or a full time nanny.

You shouldn't have to. But you do have to.

Me too! Somehow I also didn’t realise this until I had kids. Which means the older women who already experienced this weren’t shouting about it. Perhaps what we need to do is shout?

@Miriad we've shouted. Trust me. We've shouted until our throats hurt. There's a reason why the gender pay gap won't close until at least 2044 - we still live in a patriarchal society and we are still discriminated against.

No it does not mean we weren't shouting! It sounds more like you weren't listening because it didn't directly impact you.

Lots of 'older women' have been fighting prejudice for decades and telling their daughters, their friends, their sisters etc. Many of us have had to directly challenge employers, raise legal cases, worked through periods when it was still legal to fire women for getting married, let alone having children. There is still more to be done, but don't ever try to say women haven't been shouting about it.

@ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie 100% agree. A few years back I was in a team meeting with my all female team and the subject of gender discrimination came up. All the other women were younger and only one had a child. They all basically agreed they didn't think it was an issue, because they hadn't experienced it. They looked a bit shocked when I reeled off the list of things I'd experienced (made worse because I worked in construction for a number of years) or women I knew had experienced.

That is sexual discrimination and you would have a case against them. Next time you are asked I would say is that relevant to my suitability to the job?

I like the tone of your eail but I wouldn't go down the quoting the legislation route as it looks a bit belligerent. I'd rephrase the first paragraph to say

Hello X, I had a really positive interview with Y just now. I just wanted to flag that I was asked in one of my interviews yesterday about my marital status and if I have children. I wanted to flag this as I'm aware that this question tends to lead to conscious or unconscious negative bias towards women. I'm sure you'll understand that this was quite frustrating for me especially as I actually have live in childcare in place and so I cannot imagine childcare ever being an issue in terms of m suitability for this role.

my company (I don’t own it) has an absolute strict on-site requirements. We make this 100 percent clear in the job advert, interview and contract. (And our pay offer is based on this including looking at commuting costs)

problem is if we don’t probe a bit at interview to make sure they really really understand this then we end up letting them go after four weeks

this affects lots of people eg young people who don’t like the office, carers etc.

My response to questions really needs to be I understand the environment (what ever it is ) and I can do the 4 days or 9 till 4 or what ever no need to get into child care kids etc.

just wanted to (and I could have been guilty of questions like this) put across sometimes why they get asked as no one wants to be released from a job in the first month.

My company not pretending to be flexible but pays a good wage against its requirements

No but he told me the age of his children which were grown up

I mean in my industry and many others they discriminate against those who can only work 9-5... comments such as "this is note a 9-5 job" are unfortunately widespread.