WFH with toddler

[Atypicalmumm]

Hi, I wondered if anyone has some advice. My son is nearly 3, when he was born we brought a house that needed fully renovating and took up all of our money, it was incredibly hard and the worst time of my life. I had to go back to work full time when he was 9 months old to be able to earn enough money for us to survive. Trouble is I didn’t have enough money to also put him into pre school. My work made it clear I couldn’t wfh with him and I’ve been doing it without them knowing, apart from that in September I did put him in two mornings a week into pre school as this is all I can afford. As well as going into the office twice a week, that’s the best I could do. Now he can get 15 hours free but his pre school have no extra hours for him.
its been really difficult but I’ve managed so far, just the fact it’s made me totally miserable and I cry every day. Because the guilt and jealousy I see of all my friends who don’t work because they get benefits and I’m not entitled to any, because I have a mortgage. I feel like my son is behind in his speech because of me, I feel like he watches too much Tv because of me and my working I can’t take him out apart from at the weekends. My work monitor my work and when I’m away from my laptop and I’ve been pulled up recently about being away for too long (an hour).
Im so miserable, and angry at myself for buying the house and putting myself in this position. I feel like my sons last two years have flown by and I’ve missed half of it. I don’t know what advice I need, really I’d like to be able to go part time and maybe get benefits to make up the extra money but I can’t so I’m stuffed basically, just miserable

I say that because I’m a retired person who is good with children and I would help with childcare in this situation. Op certainly would vet anyone who looks after her child. Just a suggestion.

I'm not sure where people who are suggesting getting a retired person, or a student, or a teenager, or an au pair to look after the little one, think the OP is getting the money from for that?
She has been defrauding her employer for over two years because she doesn't have the money for childcare - whether that is a Nursery or (usually more expensive) 1:1 childcare.

Hi OP,
You could look into the help that can be offered to people in financial strain
under the new mortgage charter
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/mortgage-charter/mortgage-charter
Particularly this bit about going interest only for 6 months /extending the term of your mortgage to reduce your payments:

• A new deal between lenders, the FCA and the government permitting customers who are up to date with their payments to:
• Switch to interest-only payments for six months or
• extend their mortgage term to reduce their monthly payments and give customers the option to revert to their original term within 6 months by contacting their lender

These options can be taken by customers who are up to date with their payments without a new affordability check or affecting their credit score[5]. Customers who are currently in arrears should continue to work with their lender for the support that they need.

Have you tried looking at the entitled to website https://www.entitledto.co.uk/ (as suggested by previous posters) to see if you might be able to get any help - with childcare for example. Having a mortgage doesn't rule you out of receiving help depending on your income and childcare costs (play around with the numbers putting in example childcare costs for if you child was full time nursery etc).

If you can find a way to find childcare and muddle through things will improve a lot when your child is in school. Selling and renting might not free up much money if renting is equally expensive and again depending on benefits eligibility. Selling to buy a smaller property doesn't sound viable if you are already in a 2 bed that you said was priced similarly to 2 bed flats as it was a doer upper - unless you think you could move somewhere where your 100K equity would allow you to have a small mortgage.

My instinct would be to cling on to your property knowing once your child is in school things will improve.

You should check out the local nurseries attached to schools for availability for using your free hours. They might have more availability as often operate 9-12, 1-3 for example and you might be able to pay for the lunch hour - even though it is not as long as a work day it is a lot better than nothing.

Does your partner work locally - is there any flexibility in his work for popping away to do drop offs or pick ups?

Are they any childminders locally with space? They tend to be cheaper in my experience and you should be able to use your funded hours with them.

If you haven’t looked into them already, nurseries within a primary school will probably take him in September, if he is 3 before September (I know my son’s school do, although we are leaving my daughter whose nearly 3 too with the childminder as it’s just easier with our work hours).

Just in relation to the trips to the zoo etc an annual pass is often available for 2-3 times the price of one visit so people often choose one attraction and visit it lots for "free" after buying the pass. Under 3s usually free so for e.g. could be £100 for one adult annual pass for a years worth of zoo visits. The following year if you are bored of the zoo get an annual pass for a different attraction - farm park etc.

If you shop at tesco you can also save your vouchers to use for days out or meals out and get multiple times the face value towards these.

Baby won’t remember a zoo trip. A trip to a local park or playground is just as exciting for a baby. My toddler was mostly interested in the playground and not in the animals.

You sound like a snitch to me . Mothers need
to be supported in the workplace , not penalised !

Eh, not really you can work and homeschool. A lot of work yes, impossible no.

@Atypicalmumm You can still get benefits with a mortgage. Just not housing benefit. You may still get UC. Try an online benefits calculator. Can you send your son to another childcare provider?

Who said it’d be half arsed? Do people just join this site to tell people they don’t know that they aren’t able to do things? 👁️👄👁️

Honestly we really can’t do anything right with our mom guilt.

I used to WFH with my daughter 2.5 days a week and she went to nursery 2.5 days a week - it was bloody hard work but she’s 3 now so does her 30 hours. That was after Covid and I could get away with it. I constantly felt guilty that she wasn’t getting enough attention and my work wasn’t up to standard.
My son is very needy so I wouldn’t be able to WFH with him, work is also back to normal so he goes to childminder/family member 5 days a week. Now I feel really guilty that he doesn’t get enough time with me or as much as his sister did

We can’t win and everybody has it hard in different ways. I hate not working and struggled mentally on mat leave being with the kids all day every day, it’s really different for everyone.

Women have fought for equality for centuries. The first females who completed degree courses weren't allowed to graduate. Do you want to turn clock back to 17th century? Women fought for every single right that we have.

If the government was to pay women to stay at home they'd be as well to save the thousands spend on girls education.
What's the point in educating girls if they are only going to sit at home being baby factories???
Girls are educated because as a society we cannot afford for women to be economically inactive. And never really have been able to afford that luxury with the exception of the super rich!

And most of the super rich old money types, made their money either of the backs of slaves who worked with their babies on their backs. Or from being factory owners with men women and children all working for a pittance.

What about getting an au pair?

Ah yes dose the baby up with a spot of laudanum or if you can't lay your hands on any gin like they did in the good old days. As part of my degree we looked at corners reports of children that had died in the home in the 18/19th century. I guess the ops little one won't be at risk of a gas light fire but there were lots of other equally awful deaths.

Toddlers need to be supervised to keep them safe and they need to be stimulated for development. I'm guessing the OP isn't being paid to sing the Wheels on the Bus, to build buildings brick towers or have imaginary tea parties so if she is actually working her child is not being looked after and if her child is being looked after she's not working.

You need to go onto universal credit essentials and plug in your situation and see if you can claim anything -
Joint claim and both under 25
Amount £489.23 or joint claim and at least one of you over 25=£617.60
then child element =£287.92
you are right you won’t get a rent element but you will get a higher work allowance (so what is the most you can bring home before deductions from Uc begin) 673.00 so the first 673 of earnings don’t impact your claim.
you can also claim childcare costs as you are both working your son will be entitled to 30hrs free.
so if you are over 25 your standard rate will be

617.60+287.92 = 905.52.
so you have the work allowance of 673
You would need a joint income of 2319 to wipe out your entitlement - this is without childcare costs of course.

if the house though is too expensive and is ruining your quality of life try to sell it.
Or try to find a cheaper mortgage.

in regards to childcare you need to look around for another minder or nursery - you can split your free hours between providers.
I have a 2.5yr old and her dad is a stay at home dad with her. I work from home and some days she just wants to be near me and it is really hard to work 100% I have a very understanding manager if I was doing it without my partner at home I would get zero work done

Take a reality check. You and partner are together and income earning.

Your child is almost 3. Your child goes to "free" school age 4 turning 5. So you've probably got 18-24 months in this situation - and then have to work out how to work and do school. (Almost all schools have breakfast clubs and after school care).

I'm guessing the child was unplanned. Because no one willingly takes on the huge costs of a house renovation and baby at the same time.

But I'm guessing you basically want to own your own home, just work part time and get the tax payer to fund your mortgage and pay any extra costs? And feel you have the same luxuries and freedoms as your benefits funded friends?

Nah. Not happy to do this.

Your child will, in the not so far future, enter the best "free" opportunity your child will ever have. That is called school.

Your circumstances will change dramatically when your child is of school age.

Even if you're exhausted, it will happen anyway and make you less exhausted.

Having been here during lockdown I can imagine how hard it’s been. But you’ve done the best with the situation you were in. That’s all you can do. If your child is three and you both work, they should be entitled to 30 free hours now so get them in a preschool! Everything will start to feel easier.

Have worked very occasional day from home when no childcare (boss is always fully aware) and it's been hard work.
There is absolutely no way on this earth you can be doing a good job with your work or that your child is getting sufficient stimulation.
I had issues with childcare, I'd pull child out and find somewhere else. Just because your preferred place can't give you the hours, I'd be contacting every nursery, pre school and childminder within reasonable distance until I secured something.
As for income, sounds like a case of living above your means. As a single parent, I earn a good wage but I watch what I'm spending. I don't have unnecessary subscriptions like netflix or sky, if I can't afford it I don't have it, I write shopping lists when doing the weekly shop to avoid over spending. If you have two cars, consider getting rid of a car. You have to do what you have to do.
Your employer made it clear from the outset, that is gross misconduct to be honest and deceptive.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself and expecting the solution to come and grab you, start looking thinking and budgeting. Only you can fix this and it's going to take some effort.

But would you though?
Some random woman asks you for childcare, your first instinct should be "I don't even know you"

Businesses need employees who are putting 100% effort into their jobs. No business big or small can afford to have a team of people male or female taking full-time money for part-time work.
That makes the business un-viable and puts everyone's employment at the business at risk.

No wonder businesses are asking for people to be back in the office.

I know about dosing children with laudanum, coal gas, gin and brandy. Some children died of such things because their desperate mothers needed to work and the much lauded 'extended family' has never existed in the way people imagine. Children also died of polio, scarlet fever, measles, rheumatic fever, falling off a chair or out of a tree (try Persausion on the worry such an incident could cause). None of that was my point, which was that women have always been lumbered with both domestic work and childcare (and childbearing) as well as pulling in an outside job - a thing a lot of twenty-first century feminists (and twentieth century ones, too) took no notice of when they campaigned for the right of all women to go out to work, 24 hour childcare etc, which policies have made life much worse for most women, who don't have high-flying, well paid jobs, but work on checkouts, in offices at dull jobs, in schools where discipline is a nightmare because the children are not properly socialised or have any understanding of discipline. Feminists played straight into the hands of neo-liberal capitalism and the destruction of the post-war social contract by people like Thatcher, and then feminists embraced this new world where everyone must work, when the original idea was that women who wanted to work outside the home either as unmarried women or as married women should be able to do so and be paid the same as men. As part of my degree I researched women's lives 1900 to 1934. 'The Case of Margaret Miller, The Campaign for the Right of Married Women to Earn' covers most of this. (Word to the wise on this: don't flaunt your degree - others also have them.)

Gosh really I thought I was terribly special and the only person ever to have a degree. 🙄 I most certainly wasn't 'flaunting' it. Just pointing out that kids at home while working, what ever the nature of the work has never been in the kids best interests.
The domestic stuff can be integrated with child care in a way paid work can't. From my granny popping us in sown up duster slippers to 'skate' across the hall floor to having a toddler 'sort' the laundry and with commentary to learn colours, numbers etc but there are vanishingly few paid jobs that are suitable for preschooler participation.

'A snitch'
How old are you - 9 ?

This is nothing to do with supporting / not supporting mothers in the workplace, but is everything to do with someone in the workplace taking a salary and not doing their work.
It does all the parents (and people who care for adults) who sometimes need some flexibility no good at all when someone does this. It add fuel to the calls for people to have to work in the office all week, because it demonstrates that some people can't be trusted to do what they are paid to do. So everyone who benefits from wfh then finds it harder to find roles that allow them to do so.
I don't call that being very supportive to "mothers in the workplace" or any other cares in the workforce.

I have a house, 2 bed terrace, the area is not expensive and would cost about £125k to buy now.
It's a reasonable place to live.

Nursery's have places for under 5s, though some you have to top up fees for 'funded' places

You could both get jobs on minimum wages and be better off and have better qol. Give it some thought.
.

If she’s entitled to top up her wage via UC there’s literally no issue. I’d rather pay my taxes to support an exhausted mother feeling the crunch of a badly designed society in the middle of a cost of living crisis & make an innocent child’s life a little happier than to support a hell of a lot of things that you think your tax money is going to 😂