WFH with toddler

[Atypicalmumm]

Hi, I wondered if anyone has some advice. My son is nearly 3, when he was born we brought a house that needed fully renovating and took up all of our money, it was incredibly hard and the worst time of my life. I had to go back to work full time when he was 9 months old to be able to earn enough money for us to survive. Trouble is I didn’t have enough money to also put him into pre school. My work made it clear I couldn’t wfh with him and I’ve been doing it without them knowing, apart from that in September I did put him in two mornings a week into pre school as this is all I can afford. As well as going into the office twice a week, that’s the best I could do. Now he can get 15 hours free but his pre school have no extra hours for him.
its been really difficult but I’ve managed so far, just the fact it’s made me totally miserable and I cry every day. Because the guilt and jealousy I see of all my friends who don’t work because they get benefits and I’m not entitled to any, because I have a mortgage. I feel like my son is behind in his speech because of me, I feel like he watches too much Tv because of me and my working I can’t take him out apart from at the weekends. My work monitor my work and when I’m away from my laptop and I’ve been pulled up recently about being away for too long (an hour).
Im so miserable, and angry at myself for buying the house and putting myself in this position. I feel like my sons last two years have flown by and I’ve missed half of it. I don’t know what advice I need, really I’d like to be able to go part time and maybe get benefits to make up the extra money but I can’t so I’m stuffed basically, just miserable

That's a bit patronising. We can't generally help who we know. I know none of the sorts of people you list and I know I am comfortable (though miserable just now as DH has died). Counting your blessings is a thing to say to people you have no sympathy with. Mind, I agree that moving out of London would be a good idea.

Also some of us have have done it when we had zero choice because of lockdowns. It doesn’t work: it’s unfair on child/children, it’s unsafe and stressful. You can’t give the appropriate attention to a small child while working FT. I missed out on a promotion “because I didn’t work hard enough during covid”, well obviously this was because I had a 3 year old at home too.
I was mentally and physically exhausted and would never recommend anyone would do this (especially when child is so small). You have a responsibility towards your child and if your financial commitments are so
high that child gets neglected to a point where his speech is delayed, that’s a very serious issue.

Women working in the home have always also looked after small children and done the domestics as well as doing their 'cash' work, e.g. spinning, or later (19th century) making match boxes, (20th century) stuffing envelopes (my mother did this and also charring - she took me with her when I was off school sometimes, or I looked after my brothers), making silk flowers (my collateral ancestor who lived in Whitechapel in the 1880s - yes, in Ripper street as it were - made silk flowers and had children). Once mills arrived (a great bonus, in fact, as working hours were limited) children were taken to work, and did work - but Defoe notes with approbation a 4 year old making nails and thus providing income for his support in the 1690s. Women took children to work, if they worked (see the novel Mary Barton by E. Gaskell for views on mothers working). Women have always worked both in the home at pre-industrial jobs (as well as their domestic work which included ale brewing etc) and outside it, with their children at their feet or in tow.

1. go thru all expenses. Try cut back: subscriptions, delivery of meals, coffees out/lunch, holidays. If u want to stay in your house and ease on cash flow you need to cut somewhere.
2. worrying about milestones? Don’t worry. Your child will be fine. My SIL had hers in front of TV all day w an elderly childminder who did almost no interracting, he wasn’t potty trained til late, was not socialized etc. he is in a top Uni now.
3. Sell house & travel makes no sense given your stated worries.
4. Part time & Bens - long shot to know exactly what’s required in terms of income & takes time.

Sit down now and see where u can cut back or be more time efficient with work, child and chores. Otherwise sell your flat, get a much cheaper one to decrease expenses (sell & buy has costs u need to consider) Is renting much more cheap, save your profits on sale to enter property market again in 2-3 yrs?

its 1.5 years til Reception and full time. Can you get thru it?

@Grammarnut Ok you win but its not exactly the same thing women working doing practical tasks would engage their children however young in the task they are doing.

You can't exactly engage a small children in computer based tasks calls and meeting that most of us seem to do from home.

@Atypicalmumm
Selling to rent makes little sense makes more sense to speak with your mortgage provider, and remortgage.

Is there any work on the house you can put off?

Op are you planning any more children because that's something you need to consider.

Is there zero way any family could help with childcare, even a couple of days would make a world of difference.

Does food not count?

Does the toddler not grow?

The reason so many mumsnetters are hard line about it is because they experienced it during lockdown and saw the negative effects on children - many of which have carried through to primary and the negative effects on their own mental health.

I like many of my friends had near misses. We were lucky that are children got through unscathed- some weren’t. Fundamentally small children require supervision and stimulation. You can’t do that properly while also doing a good job for your employer. I’m always amazed how many people are now trying to do it when people who had to do it 4 years ago found it utterly hellish and would never do it again out of choice.

It wasn't a competition, but women have always done work in and out of the home and in some parts of the UK women were the main earner because male work was seasonal. Practical tasks like jam-making, brewing etc are no more child friendly than work on a computer, of course, but the sort of wfh stuff women do now is incompatible with child-rearing. Unfortunately, it looks the sort of stuff you could do with children around - but, as you say, it isn't. But my main beef in all of this is that the government pays women to have their children reared by other people but calls women who stay at home 'economically inactive' and sometimes 'unemployed'. A woman-friendly (not centred) economy would accommodate women's biological function and not demand male-pattern careers.

i think being a stay at home mum is a luxury tbh and I know nobody that is able to do this! Everyone uses nursery / childminder or Nanny!

Everyone feels bad for something - i feel bad that my daughter is in nursery 5 days a week 8 - 10 hours a day because we both need to work - but we can't afford to work less.

i never get the argument about staying put somewhere expensive because of your job - you can move somewhere cheaper and get a new job surely! if your that miserable at current job and you aren't even making enough money to live then whats the point of staying where you are

you need to do something about it - nobody can change your life or circumstances except you.

@Bunnycat101 Well said!
I don't know if it's the idea that "Well people managed in covid - I'll manage"

People did it because they had to. And it was fucking brutal. I'm crying bringing back memories of how hard are it was. The second lockdown January 21 was just cruel 😢 My wee guy just didn't see daylight. Work was full pelt, school was full pelt and the wee guy was babysat by Paw Patrol! By the time school was done, and id done enough of my job, it was dark. My oldest was old enough to go out and play, but not old enough to take little brother with him.
I remember the wee one running around the garden in a head torch.

She cannot afford to move, she and DH are tied to London jobs, she is renovating a house and has a toddler.

She's not tied to London, she is WFH

But I thought she said she was unable to move because of someone's job? And she is not supposed to be wfh afaik? I might have got that wrong. Moving from London is the obv. solution, I think.

I think her DH is tied, but if they cannot afford to work and live in/near London, then they have to move?

OP please don't compare yourself to your friends!!!!

I have friends who are SAHM or work part time.

I have 3 boys aged 4,3 and 17 months. I work full time in the emergency services. 40 hours a week 2 x days, 2 x lates and 2 x nights. I have no grandparents to help out. My mother is too elderly, my PIL aren't interested in our children. They live 5 hours away and have grandchildren they see all the time.

IT IS HARD WORK!!! DH works full time too Monday- Friday. I have a cleaner when I returned to work after my maternity leave as I couldn't cope. Everything else we do ourselves and I shop on Vinted. My friends and sister are very well off compared to us. My sister works insane hours for a very good wage. My friends are very fortunate their husbands earn a decent living.

Comparison is the thief of joy!! It sounds so hard in your situation. You've had some great advice from others. To earn more I'm studying to get promoted. Many hoops to jump through!! It's hard now but won't always be this hard. It's only for a short while.

I would think so. Pity but prob only solution.

… you know she can homeschool right? I know plenty of families that travel full time and are successful & their children are educated. We don’t all live the same life

That's the solution a lot of people have had to do.

She cant homeschool if shes meant to be working

Have you looked on childcare app or asking on local Fb group page

I’m just amazed your employer hasn’t worked out what’s going on to be honest.

I have my primary aged kids at home for an hour, twice a week while I finish my working day. They're older and can watch tv/ play independently, but my boss has definitely seen them walk past or overheard them laughing while we’re on Teams calls. He’s not bothered, but I can’t imagine the stress of managing calls when your superiors don’t know you’re looking after a young child.

If you homeschool it can't be a half arsed attempt. That's not fair. It needs FULL attention

Try to find a retired person who lives nearby and is willing to help for a little money.

I didn’t say she had plenty of money. I said, as others have done, that her present lifestyle isn’t sustainable. And she should be making changes to ensure hers and her family’s future happiness. Many of us have been in a similar situation - and bitten off more than we can chew. The mature thing to do is to recognise this and do your best to get yourself out of the mess. The infantile thing to do is to cry “woe is me” and expect others to pick up the pieces in terms of benefits payments.

That's it find some random retired person you don't really know and befriend them and hope for the best. Who cares about DBS checks and ofsted..