WFH with toddler

[Atypicalmumm]

Hi, I wondered if anyone has some advice. My son is nearly 3, when he was born we brought a house that needed fully renovating and took up all of our money, it was incredibly hard and the worst time of my life. I had to go back to work full time when he was 9 months old to be able to earn enough money for us to survive. Trouble is I didn’t have enough money to also put him into pre school. My work made it clear I couldn’t wfh with him and I’ve been doing it without them knowing, apart from that in September I did put him in two mornings a week into pre school as this is all I can afford. As well as going into the office twice a week, that’s the best I could do. Now he can get 15 hours free but his pre school have no extra hours for him.
its been really difficult but I’ve managed so far, just the fact it’s made me totally miserable and I cry every day. Because the guilt and jealousy I see of all my friends who don’t work because they get benefits and I’m not entitled to any, because I have a mortgage. I feel like my son is behind in his speech because of me, I feel like he watches too much Tv because of me and my working I can’t take him out apart from at the weekends. My work monitor my work and when I’m away from my laptop and I’ve been pulled up recently about being away for too long (an hour).
Im so miserable, and angry at myself for buying the house and putting myself in this position. I feel like my sons last two years have flown by and I’ve missed half of it. I don’t know what advice I need, really I’d like to be able to go part time and maybe get benefits to make up the extra money but I can’t so I’m stuffed basically, just miserable

@juniorspesh
Mumsnet can be very hardline on wfh with kids - in truth, it depends on your job and your kid. I got away with it a bit, but only for a couple of hours here and there! I could never have made it a regular thing, even though I had an extremely chilled and responsible kid and a job that could accommodate it. I was doing fairly senior level marketing at an extremely family-friendly charity when he was a toddler. A lot of work could be scheduled out of hours so I could work strange patterns like 8-11, 1-3, 7-9pm. If I'd had a slightly more full-on job or child, even that would not have been possible.

MN is very hard line on WFH with preschoolers for good reason. As Op has found out the hard way, you end up failing everyone, the child, the employer and just about breaking yourself.
You said yourself away with it couple of hours here and there, you couldn't make it a regular thing. No preschoolers can be described as responsible.
Working flexible hours while they sleep and have other child care isn't really the same as trying to do regular hours with a LO.

Op has found out what many found out in covid, the odd day maybe but it cannot be Plan A for childcare with preschool children.

Bless you, I get how you feel exactly

We also bought a fixer-upper in an expensive area, we have 2 children and I had to return to work when my youngest was 8.5 months
The only advice I can give is based on my own experience, so may not apply
I would 100% recommend a childminder rather than a nursery, her speech is fantastic since she's been going as she's mixing with children of different ages, and it was cheaper per hour than all the nurseries. Also, where I am people are scrabbling for places since the 15 hours kicked in, but childminders where I am seem to still have places available. I worked from home some days with the oldest and found it impossible, I think you must be some sort of superwoman.

Before I returned to work we changed or negotiated all bills, got rid of all luxuries like TV packages (we just have freeview), Spotify etc... we saved so much. You've probably done this already, but any savings could help you with childcare

Now after everything, our income combined covers all bills and childcare exactly (well £6 short) and my partner works Saturdays to buy us food, petrol, shoes etc. my work overtime is patchy but I do Sundays if the work is available

It's hard and stressful, renovations are on hold, but I know (hope) it will get better once they're both entitled to 30 hours/both in school. The thing that stops me from having a complete breakdown is that I know I'm doing the best with what we have.

There is quite a bit of bitterness on this thread! It's uncomfortable how quickly people turn unpleasant...

As you’re near London I imagine there are quite a few au pairs around. When I had an au pair, she used to look after a little boy down the road for a few hours during the day whilst my kids were in school for a bit of extra pocket money. Something like £10 per hour. Could you put feelers out to see if any local au pairs would be interested in this?

Yes I think that's why some of the responses may have been "harsh".

OP what would do if you had to go into to the office.

You are at a crossroads you have to make decision, you will be financially worse off for a few years either way. But you can't carry on like this, its not fair to any of you.

This sounds miserable and I don't know what to say except that I sympathise. One thing is not to blame yourself. You are being the best parent you can be and so is your DP. You have a 2 bed house in an expensive area. I don't know what work you needed to do on it but I do know it takes time and money. My SDGS and his DP have just bought a house out in the county from the city we live in. It has taken six months to get it to the point they and their DDs (4 and 2) can move in within next few weeks, though work will be ongoing. House was basically untouched since the 70s. Happily for them DGP can put up the family while DSGS works on the house (it helps that he is a plasterer and can do some of the work himself), but even so it is a nightmare of stress all round.
I would try to stop crying every day and do something positive. You can't sell because of jobs. Employer won't let you wfh (but you are, which I don't quite get), so start looking for a job where you can wfh. Just looking will make you feel that you are doing something and will lead to a better outcome than you have.

Have you thought about putting in a request for flexible working. So you could work a couple of evenings maybe from home while your son is in bed? To free you up in the time when your son isn't at nursery.

Could any of your friends have your son for a few hours on a particular day? If they have children the same age then it's a winner as they can play together.

It maybe worth looking at childminders to see if they have any spare hours your son could go too. Your free childcare can be split between providers.

@Grammarnut her employer is trying to put an end to her WFH because she clearly isn't putting 100% into her work.

She's crying everyday because she's stressed out. WFH with a small child just isn't sustainable.

Finding another WFH job most definitely is not that answer. She'll be lucky to make it past the probationary period. And it still leaves the issue of a small child being neglected and a burnt out mum.

It’s hard to advise without knowing what kind of work you both do and what the current status of the house renovation and value is.

You would probably be better off moving north even if on significantly lower salaries. I’m very aware though that moving jobs and houses takes both time and money in itself.

Can you release equity in the house and either use it for childcare, to facilitate a move to a more affordable area, or for you to be a stay at home mum or at least part time for a while? I know it’s not long term the most palatable financial move, but honestly you need to do something.

OP
if I were you I’d explore the following:

• Every childcare provider in a 10 mile radius both nursery/childminder and get their name down for preschool. All of ours having waiting lists but they do move. We had several months of DD with the childminder 2 days a week, nursery 2 days then my husband or I did a 9 day fortnight so took it in turns.
• go interest only on your mortgage for a few years until the cost of childcare is reduced to relieve the pressure. Then ask to reduce your working hours
• taking a sabbatical or career break It’ll be easier to find a new job explaining a period of absence for caring reasons rather than having lost your job with no reference - kindly I can’t imagine many employers would hire someone who lost their job for wfh with kids.
• a job that is more flexible eg evening work whilst your partner is home.

I have a real bee in my bonnet at the moment - several colleagues do it, it impacts all of our work and management are trying to resolve but in the meantime it puts the WFH privilege for all of us at risk. Not to mention the risks to the young children being left unsupervised. I understand the emotional turmoil you feel, I had to WFH full time with a 2.5 year old and it nearly broke me but it’s within your power to do something about it.

You need to find somewhere where they have room for the free hours.
I don’t know how you’ve been looking after a toddler and working simultaneously.

1. can you remortgage to release some equity?

2. can you get a lodger to take the edge off?

How do you handle calls and meetings if your child is at home? You must be constantly on edge.

If he is almost 3 then he will soon be due 30 hours free childcare. You need to get him on the waiting list for the nurseries. Is there a school nursery near you? He should be starting in September, have a look. You may have left it too late to apply, but if you call the school they may be able to help you. Good luck

But work pays her to work, not for looking after her toddler! And monitoring happens because of this shit - people expecting full pay yet stepping away for more than an hour. (Breaks aren’t part of what’s being monitored, she is still entitled to them).
This is grossly unfair on the employer as well as the boy.

Its not having a mortgage that would stop you getting benefits, it's your partners earnings. Do the calculation at turn2us based on their earnings alone to find out for certain what you're entitled to. You're right benefits won't cover mortgage in the way they do rent, (because they're not there to help people buy property only to keep a roof over their heads) but if your income with one earner is low enough them you'd get a UC top up.

I know. It is impossible to work from home with a small baby - except that women in the past did, of course, but our expectations of child-rearing are now much greater. She cannot afford to move, she and DH are tied to London jobs, she is renovating a house and has a toddler. Total nightmare. The solution is to move out of London and either commute or wfh - or not work. It makes me extremely angry that money is provided for commercial childcare but not to allow women to stay at home with their children, which is often the best outcome. The campaign for payments for housework were derided in the 70s. I did not deride them, it seems bloody obvious that mothers (who want to) staying at home to bring up their children and make a home should be supported. They are doing the most important job in the world, producing the next generation without which everything else we do is pointless. Neo-liberalism wants everyone at work, so childcare is commercialised so it can be done for profit so that every economic unit is contributing to wealth making (most of which trickles up to the super wealthy). This is a feminist problem the OP has given. Personally, I'd pack in the job. I do not know how she is doing up her two bed house but as long as the kitchen and bathroom function, the place is warm in winter and reasonably clean, that seems to me to be enough. Settle for that, have another child and be happy. If it means moving from London so be it.

Living just outside of London is expensive. Have people seen the mortgage interest rates for those who have bought recently? I earn well but if I buy a 2 bed flat I’ll be paying 50% of my salary on mortgage. Full time childcare is very expensive so I can see how it’s not affordable. That said WFH with babies and toddlers is wrong. Are you on a wait list for all childcare locally? Including childminders? His speech and development will be held back if he’s watching TV all day when you’re working, as something has to give, and it’s unfair it’s a young child’s development. Look at your budget and see what else can give instead of a young child’s development. Eat beans on toast. You need to up your game in looking for childcare, or look for other options.

If your current pre school doesn’t have the space, find one that does. Or a child minder. It’s ok to split across two settings. Actually, shouldn’t you be getting the 30 hours as you are working?

@Grammarnut I know. It is impossible to work from home with a small baby - except that women in the past did, of course, but our expectations of child-rearing are now much greater

At no point in history have women WFH with small children at their feet. Nothing to do with expectations of child-rearing being greater.

It's just not something that happened. In the 1820s they might have taken children to work with them. And had them earning at 4 or 5. But things have moved on in the last 200 years.

This. You will make yourself miserable if you spent you life comparing yourself to people who are richer / thinner / prettier / whatever than you. Your problem is your mindset.

Why don’t you make some new friends who couldn’t ever dream of buying a house and doing it up? Let alone one just outside London .

Those who are carers for an elderly or disabled loved one, live on benefits and never get a moment to themselves.

Some mums who are asylum seekers or refugees from some war torn country who don’t know if their family are alive or dead.

Women who are trapped in abusive relationships with small children.

or even just some single / widowed / divorced mums , who are doing it all themselves , unlike lucky you with your partner.

Then you can come home every day and thank God / your stars/ the universe that your life is so much easier that theirs. That you are rich, in good health , have a secure home that increases in value each year and a good job with a very reasonable employer, a happy marriage and a healthy child.

You have chosen to live above your means so either suck it up for a few years and work harder to earn more or cut your costs. Your choice.

The lifestyle you aspire to - large house in the south east with one SAHP - is out of reach for most people in the Uk. And most other women here on MN.

This. Also on offer would be talking to GP about potential stress and taking sick leave, or compassionate leave (unpaid) or unpaid parental leave.

erm no, I did my work, paid my own childcare bills and with no help from family

No, shame on you for advising women to WFH while doing childcare! Thanks to people like you we (women) are continuing to be treated less favourably than men in the workplace.

There are other solutions than having family help, for example working opposite shifts/days than your partner, taking an extra job in the evening or at weekends, finding a job where you can bring your child (nanny for ex)…

Please stop advising women to WFH while doing childcare, it really is bad advice and doing a disservice to the OP, her employer, her child and all women.