Super-sensitive new colleague: how to manage

[GustyFinknottle]

I work in a sales and marketing team for a small company that doesn't have in-house HR. My manager has been on sick leave for five weeks and I, being the oldest and longest-serving member of the department, have been instructed to deal with this situation as best I can by my manager's manager (who is the company director/ owner).

Before he went off sick my manager recruited a young woman (a recent graduate) to work as an assistant. She's very conscientious and she seems super-sensitive about what I and my fellow colleagues would regard as normal work exchanges and feedback. It's a fairly relaxed environment and we understand that it takes a while to learn the systems and don't expect her to get everything right all the time.

Part of her work involves updating product specs. I was wfh a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find the updated version of a file I knew she'd been working on, so I emailed her saying 'Hi, I'm looking for the latest version of the XYZ file. Are you still working on it?' She responded that she had completed the task and uploaded the file. I took another look, still couldn't find it, so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it. She said she had. It turned out, when I searched for it, that she'd accidentally changed the title and put it in the wrong folder. I called her to say I'd found it, told her what had happened and suggested it was something to look out for in the future. I assured her that it's still early days and that we've all done similar things. We laughed at how easy it was to do and that was that.

The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had. I responded in writing saying that I was sorry that was how she'd understood my words, but there was no accusation intended, I was just trying to work out where the file was. She came back saying she still thought I ought to apologise. I sat down with a cup of tea, wondered wtf was going on, gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again. Her response was that if she tells me she's done something I need to trust that she has and not accuse her of lying, which she felt I had by asked her to double-check. She again asked for an apology in writing. I said I was sorry that she felt I was accusing her of not having completed the task and that seemed to satisfy her, but it was such a bizarre exchange that I haven't been able to relax around her since.

I thought I was the only one, but apparently something similar has been going on with two other colleagues. They've both been asked to apologise for the kind of functional communications that go on in every office I've worked in. They're both decent people who feel quite offended by her accusations. They've asked me to talk to her and have made it clear they feel that working with her is going to be a challenge. She is in week nine of a three month probationary period and this needs to be dealt with before the end of probation. My manager is off sick. I've asked the director for permission to involve the HR consultant and I'm waiting for a response, but I'd like to have a conversation with her in the next few days in order to put down a marker and then work out where to go from there.

Has anyone encountered anything like this? Is this a generational thing? I'm in my 50s, my other colleagues are at least 15 years older than her. Our adult children aren't like this but is this the new normal?

I was wondering about asking her if she was enjoying working here and seeing what she has to say. Would it be acceptable to say that I get the impression, from some of her communications with me and others, that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? This is a pleasant place to work, everyone in the is pretty reasonable and good at what they do and we've been a good — and effective — team. Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital? That being able to handle reasonable requests and feedback from colleagues is all part of the job?

I'm not addicted to MN like many here seem to be and don't spend enough of my time on here to know a) the minutiae of how it works and b) that you need to read through all comments before responding to an OP. Still, lesson learned and I'm outta here if that's what it takes. I have a life.

It's interesting that, knowing I was responding to the OP directly and there was no malice in my suggestion - which was only that, a suggestion - you choose to lay into me and you haven't commented about the person who suggested that there's no place for neuro diversity in the the workplace and saying that workplaces are not "special needs support centres". You don't find that comment discriminatory and disgusting? I guess I'll come under fire for that as well by anyone else who think that anybody whose mind works differently doesn't belong with neurotypicals in the workplace...

She probably perceives it as a micro aggression.

Which is the most wishy washy load of old bollocks. 🙄

Silly mare.

@Pupinski it's just sensible and polite to at least read the OP’s posts and the most recent replies before contributing.

She has an acute case of pain-in-the-arse-itis - which can strike at any age, but is does tend to affect younger members of staff more often.

How rude. But thanks for perfectly proving my point about people who can't wait to answer every post about bad behaviour with "oh but they might be neurodivergent" without bothering to read even just the OP's posts (which wouldn't have taken more than a few minutes of your very busy life, and would have prevented you making such a fool of yourself).

Don't you think that if someone as entitled and unreasonable as OP's new colleague had any kind of diagnosis, she'd have been very quick to disclose it, given that she's demanding special treatment?

Perhaps you are the colleague?😁

FrangipaniBlue

*Yes they are adults @AliOlis but adults in a completely alien environment.

Even company to company the culture and accepted behaviours can vary wildly.

We aren't born with that knowledge - we learn it along the way*

You learn that knowledge as you grow up so when you go into the workplace you know how to interact with others and understand that if you do something that is incorrect or aren’t aware you did something that wasn’t correct you apologise and thank the person for teaching you that piece of information and move on

You don’t demand an apology because you found it offensive that someone pointed out your mistake.

How do you teach someone who believes they know everything and finds it offensive when you point out they don’t.

It takes some arrogance to behave as she has and to go so far to threaten a colleague in an email during probation.

I would imagine this behaviour is the tip of the iceberg to the drama and stress she could cause.

Threatening a colleague is serious shit.

During Covid a friend of mine had a very difficult manager who was adding more and more projects to her heavy workload.
She was very distressed about it.

Her husband walked in to their home one day and heard her being screamed at and started to record it on his phone.

She could be heard saying she simply couldn't take on any more and was told she had better watch her back and her job if she didn't accept it.

Having worked there for 8 years.
Unbelievable stuff.
I listened to it.

She rang in sick the following day, contacted her excellent GP, and contacted an employment solicitor who contacted HR on her behalf with a transcript of the conversation.
She stated she felt unsafe with the company and was unable to return.

She had a litany of shitty emails from him too.

She was out of work on full pay for 10 months and her huge company bent over backwards to get her back into her job.

She admittedly had an excellent reputation with clients several of which were threatening to leave.

She returned to work, and has nothing further to do with him.

As a long time employee he wasn't fired but he has been moved sideways and his actions have hugely impacted his standing.

She was told she had an excellent case for contructive dismissal but at 59, well paid, she just wants to see another couple of years out and retire.

She returned to an excellent situation, cherry picked the clients she wanted and is left to get on with things.

They are now aware that she will not be messed with again.

I would deviate from the emotional aspect of it and deal with it like this

I would explain the roles and responsibilities that you have in the team and in the organisation. As well as the roles and responsibilities of others. I would also explain hers.

It sounds like you're the acting manager for the team and she needs to understand that while you want a relaxed atmosphere it's still within your remit to discuss any performance related topics and point out any improvement areas. It's also within your remit to ask questions associated with her work.

I would not apologise. It sets the tone for future issues and she needs to understand that she is in a professional environment and she is expected to take and handle feedback in a professional manner. I'd give her the opportunity to discuss any personal issues that may be effecting her work. If you have a well being hotline / benefit thing I'd provide her with the number. There needs to be some professional space between you and her and the team and it needs to be clear that whatever issue she is dealing with if there is one, while you will be supportive and give her space & time to deal with it, you still expect her attitude and performance to be professional.

If she is bringing the team down with them feeling like they have to walk on eggshells around her, then I'd make it clear she has until the end of her probationary period to address her behavioural patterns and decide if the culture of the organisation is a good fit for her.

No one is there to babysit and generational or not if she can't conduct herself in a manner which is professional then she needs to learn the hard way and fast - it will only be corrected when it's uncomfortable. If people are pandering to her (frankly bullshit) behaviour and it carries on, you will end up having to fire her and going through that is tedious and you'll lose good people on your team in the process because they don't want to deal with it.

Could we have one thread on here where an account of someone clearly behaving like a dick isn't countered with "oh but they might be neurodivergent"? Just one?

Good luck with that on Mumsnet, Jibo; clearly it's important to take actual neeurodivergence into account, but that doesn't have to involve armchair diagnosis

Glad you've now got a strategy and support in place, OP - good luck with it

There was nothing impolite in my response to the OP. People appear to be very quick to jump down people throats here.

I think this is a really good and professional approach to performance management. I agree that in the event they decide to retain her, she needs to have the expectations set very clearly and be expected to change her attitude, pretty much with immediate effect, and passing probation will be subject to this.

I do feel that in this case things may have gone beyond, and it may just be delaying the inevitable. I don't believe anyone should lightly be deprived of their livelihood - but this may be the only option here. Retaining her risks exposing colleagues to further bullying and resultant distress, and demoralising the team. In this case there is documentary evidence of her bullying several team members, bullying is normally gross misconduct which warrants dismissal anyway, even before you consider that she is on probation.

Also the Op stated that it was a small organisation with limited costs, every employee is likely to be operationally critical in this sort of workplace and there may just not be the resources to address it. This employee might do better in a bigger workplace which has resources for any mentoring or training she needs.

The options are to retain her but require an immediate change, or bring it to a close now. This is a judgment call but I don't think bringing issues like the possibility she is neuro-atypical (which seems to have come from nowhere) is helpful. If this is the case it is up to her to declare it, and it will only make things worse if the employer makes assumptions. The most the employer can do is ask a question along the lines of the following:

'Is there anything else you feel it is important for us to know about, before we make our decision?'

I agree, that was good advice. I really hope OP updates because I'm a) interested to know how the meeting goes, and b) interested to hear what her experience has been. (I say this as someone who entered a very established team with some very "fixed" ideas of communication, how things should be done, what people should wear etc.).

Right... so anyone who threatens or bullies a colleague should be indulged/let off because they might have an undiagnosed neurodiversity? Good luck with that in the real world. And really, do RTFT in future, or at least the OP's posts.

People appear to be very quick to jump down people throats here

This. I don’t think it will get better, she is clearly the wrong fit for the team.

I fear my dd is this sensitive - but she internalises it and dumps it all on me when she gets home. She complains that the managers don’t thank her, they question how she has done stuff (it’s a technical role) and comment on how she could improve for next time - and I say “well you know, you are getting paid to work, thanking you is not always necessary and they need to check that you are doing things right and you are getting feedback that will help you improve, she’s only been there a couple of months and she’ll develop resilience” her response - I have resilience - I haven’t cried yet. She finds feedback very difficult and can never admit she is wrong and we have talked and talked about how she needs to get over this. This is a generation who are used to constant praise and they struggle with any hint of you could have done better.

I think you might need to take a break from posting - debates can get lively at times but there is an off button, maybe you should use it - if engaging in an argument on here ruins your day then don’t do it.

Is she going to be told why she is being let go? It is in her best interests to know, so she can be a better team member for her next job.

That would be a good outcome for her but given the way she has reacted, she is unlikely to accept the feedback in a way that will allow her to grow from the experience.

Oh I don't know, I think being fired must be quite the shock to the system, especially if you are fresh out of uni and used to people pandering to you and this is actually part of what has led to you being fired.

She might not agree that it's inappropriate to behave in this way but she won't want to get fired a second time.

@Airconner I do think that there is more likely to be an issue with the current cohort of graduates or trainees and that it will get worse. Interested to know if your DD had any previous work experience, any part time jobs or work that could have given her more of an insight into the workplace? I hear lots of those on MN saying that they do not expect their DCs to work while at uni and I wonder if this is actually a bad idea if they enter the workplace with qualifications but no idea how to actually work.

Wow, so you're basically saying they should all change to accommodate her. Demanding an apology from management is not something I have ever come across.

My dd had a Saturday job since she was 16 and she has worked in a professional environment for the summer, they loved her and wanted her to leave Uni and join them - had her back a few times through the year - so I'd say she has a good bit of experience and I'd also say we have not encouraged this behaviour, we have talked about the importance of feedback for growth, we have worked on her learning to accept and admit when she's wrong but she really struggles with it - even when it is obvious and there are no repercussions apart from losing face to dh and I, she still can't admit being wrong.
She is IMO very typical Gen Z and of course, she thinks dh and I are dinosaurs but she also recognises that we have been very successful in our careers and she wants our help and support. She has taken a lot on board already but I wince when she talks about expecting thanks (and being annoyed when she doesn't get it) and wanting her seniors to be mindful of her time and asking her to do things for them - like they are asking her to do their job...she just hasn't figured out the dynamics of the workplace.