Super-sensitive new colleague: how to manage

[GustyFinknottle]

I work in a sales and marketing team for a small company that doesn't have in-house HR. My manager has been on sick leave for five weeks and I, being the oldest and longest-serving member of the department, have been instructed to deal with this situation as best I can by my manager's manager (who is the company director/ owner).

Before he went off sick my manager recruited a young woman (a recent graduate) to work as an assistant. She's very conscientious and she seems super-sensitive about what I and my fellow colleagues would regard as normal work exchanges and feedback. It's a fairly relaxed environment and we understand that it takes a while to learn the systems and don't expect her to get everything right all the time.

Part of her work involves updating product specs. I was wfh a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find the updated version of a file I knew she'd been working on, so I emailed her saying 'Hi, I'm looking for the latest version of the XYZ file. Are you still working on it?' She responded that she had completed the task and uploaded the file. I took another look, still couldn't find it, so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it. She said she had. It turned out, when I searched for it, that she'd accidentally changed the title and put it in the wrong folder. I called her to say I'd found it, told her what had happened and suggested it was something to look out for in the future. I assured her that it's still early days and that we've all done similar things. We laughed at how easy it was to do and that was that.

The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had. I responded in writing saying that I was sorry that was how she'd understood my words, but there was no accusation intended, I was just trying to work out where the file was. She came back saying she still thought I ought to apologise. I sat down with a cup of tea, wondered wtf was going on, gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again. Her response was that if she tells me she's done something I need to trust that she has and not accuse her of lying, which she felt I had by asked her to double-check. She again asked for an apology in writing. I said I was sorry that she felt I was accusing her of not having completed the task and that seemed to satisfy her, but it was such a bizarre exchange that I haven't been able to relax around her since.

I thought I was the only one, but apparently something similar has been going on with two other colleagues. They've both been asked to apologise for the kind of functional communications that go on in every office I've worked in. They're both decent people who feel quite offended by her accusations. They've asked me to talk to her and have made it clear they feel that working with her is going to be a challenge. She is in week nine of a three month probationary period and this needs to be dealt with before the end of probation. My manager is off sick. I've asked the director for permission to involve the HR consultant and I'm waiting for a response, but I'd like to have a conversation with her in the next few days in order to put down a marker and then work out where to go from there.

Has anyone encountered anything like this? Is this a generational thing? I'm in my 50s, my other colleagues are at least 15 years older than her. Our adult children aren't like this but is this the new normal?

I was wondering about asking her if she was enjoying working here and seeing what she has to say. Would it be acceptable to say that I get the impression, from some of her communications with me and others, that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? This is a pleasant place to work, everyone in the is pretty reasonable and good at what they do and we've been a good — and effective — team. Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital? That being able to handle reasonable requests and feedback from colleagues is all part of the job?

As soon as it was announced that I was taking over my manager's duties I received several requests that people had been sitting on in the hope he'd be back imminently.

what requests?

One key thing to me that stands out in your OP is that you’re comparing her to your adult children, which is a bit odd. Employees are just employees regardless of age. When you start comparing young or old people to children and parents, your starting the relationship off on the wrong foot. You don’t want to develop a parent-child codependency or that sort of relationship. This is what your manager meant by you not coming across as business-like and needing management training.

I am this sensitive but I have had to toughen up/learn how offices work
..
She needs to be told ...otherwise she will neber learn i think going via hr is a good idea as it will be more formal & she is likely to be more compliant if she thinks she will lose her job over it
..whatever job she is in next she will need to know you will be doing her a favour.

She could do with some training on seeking, accepting and acting on feedback.

Not naming and putting it in the right place meant the task hadn't been completed according to objectives and had caused you inconvenience and time wasting trying to locate it.

I've been through this three times with younger workers. They absolutely cannot recognise that they have made a mistake and will ALWAYS come back with some lippy response about how they didn't do the wrong thing, or, they'll blame it on you for whatever weird or obscure reason they can think of. They end up upsetting the whole office and, in the end, nobody will ask them to do anything because it's "just too hard". So they sit around playing on their phones all day, doing the bare minimum, while everyone else runs around doing their job because nobody has the time or energy to deal with them. I tied myself in knots with the first one, trying to find some way of getting through to them. Nothing worked and she ended up getting fired during her probation period. The next two suffered the same fate, but much more quickly. Anybody in the business world I speak to these days will go out of their way NOT to hire Gen Z an Millennials, because they're just too exhausting to manage and they create such a toxic vibe in the office. Everyone else ends up doing their work for them and it causes so much resentment.

She's a poison pill. Cut her loose or you will start losing other people. If you think that's "too extreme" you'll need to have a sit-down with her and tell her she either needs to put her big girl pants on, or as we say in the US, she is free to seek success elsewhere.

Best of luck to your colleague getting through life being that sensitive. I've known a few people like her, not only do they struggle in the working environment but in personal ones as well.

I think this might be an appropriate time to wheel out the overused MN response "Wow. Just Wow."

Anybody in the business world I speak to these days will go out of their way NOT to hire Gen Z an Millennials,

They’re actively avoiding employing anyone below the age of 43? Seems unlikely.

Interesting point of view, have a shallow enough life to reply to the first post but far to busy and important to bother to even just filter the OPs posts to make sure that the advice in your reply is in any way useful or relevant.

Seriously what is the point in replying if you don't have the full picture? You end up in the position of defending a nasty threatening bully and doing more harm than good to the impression people here have of neurodiverse people by suggesting that they may act like the woman this thread is about.

I think you need to update your buzz words. The first Millennials we're born in the 1980s. I'm 42 have over 20 years of workplace experience, more than 10 of that managing teams and dealing with stuff like this from people of all ages.

I'm fucking sick of being used as a short hand for a lazy and entitled attitude that can be found at any age.

In the absence of her manager conversations like this should be passed up the chain not down. This conversations is your managers, managers conversation in their absence not yours. Especially if it could lead to her failing probation. An employment tribunal (which she sounds very likely to take any dismissal too) would have a field day if you are left to deal with it.

She hasn't just been left to deal with it, as soon as she brought it up with the MD she was made acting manager and has the full support of the MD and the outside HR consultant, who both think that the threats this woman has made to other employees warrant immediate termination of employment.

If she's this much of a twat during probation, imagine how she'll be after it.

Some people need the cold hard slap of reality to get them on track.

If you want to give her a chance then extend her probation and tell her the reasons.

Get rid now!!!! This will only get worse! Maybe if she’s not aware that you’ve been formally seconded into this role and so it needs pointing out, preferably by official email from the company owner, If she is aware, then get rid. Good luck

I think this might be an appropriate time to wheel out the overused MN response "Wow. Just Wow."

PP was far too busy fighting for justice and righting wrongs to read a thread before commenting, for heaven's sake. Get your priorities straight. 😆

@Magenta82 Lol! Clear example of Millennials being so super sensitive.

Or perhaps an example of senile Boomers or Gen X being entitled and blind to the fact that younger people have all sorts of personalities, in the same as people the same age as they do.

Or perhaps you need to realise that generational stereotypes are unhelpful, divisive and lazy.

But she hadn't completed the task. The file was wrongly named and wrongly filed and so couldn't be found and used. That isn't a completed task, she botched the last step of checking it back in to the correct place with the correct name for further use - two errors.

She then demanded the OP apologise to her for pointing this out and showing her how to do it properly, including giving the newbie the courtesy offer of free pass of minor errors in the early days. All the grad had to do was to learn from it, although thanking her for running through the process again would have been polite.

Its insane to even be discussing this grad as the victim here rather than the agressor in communications both with the OP and other staff.

*Or perhaps an example of senile Boomers or Gen X being entitled and blind to the fact that younger people have all sorts of personalities, in the same as people the same age as they do.

Or perhaps you need to realise that generational stereotypes are unhelpful, divisive and lazy*

Which didn't stop you slipping a couple in, did it? was there a reason to call boomers 'senile' or was it just to make you feel better?

I am not sure why neurodivergence has been raised here and I think it is misunderstood. The Op hasn't mentioned it as an issue, and if this employee is neurodivergent it is up to her to raise it and explain what reasonable adjustments are needed. And no, 'don't give me any constructive feedback on my work because I can't handle it' is not a reasonable adjustment. I am all for such employees being given opportunity to work with reasonable adjustments; but the key is in 'reasonable'.

I really don't see a case for extending probation in this situation. Probation should only ever be extended when the employer feels that the employee has the capability and genuine desire to improve to the required standard. In this case the employee has made basic errors, is unable to accept normal feedback and has bullied at least 3 colleagues. Why on earth would anyone prolong this?

There are too many managers who, in their desire to feel good about themselves and be 'kind' to a clearly failing team member, end up being very cruel to other employees. In this case the Op is clearly very upset and has lost sleep over this situation - so how about being concerned about the impact on her? I am very glad her employer is taking decisive steps to end it.

I was making a point. Which is why straight after I called it unhelpful, divisive and lazy.

I don't actually believe in generational stereotypes, as I have repeatedly said.

Which didn't stop you slipping a couple in, did it? was there a reason to call boomers 'senile' or was it just to make you feel better?

Huh? It was hyperbole. She was making a point.

I honestly thought it was really obvious!

Perhaps its not just my generation that is over sensitive!

What would I know @Magenta82 ? I’m just a feckless, 42 year old millennial 🤷‍♀️