Super-sensitive new colleague: how to manage

[GustyFinknottle]

I work in a sales and marketing team for a small company that doesn't have in-house HR. My manager has been on sick leave for five weeks and I, being the oldest and longest-serving member of the department, have been instructed to deal with this situation as best I can by my manager's manager (who is the company director/ owner).

Before he went off sick my manager recruited a young woman (a recent graduate) to work as an assistant. She's very conscientious and she seems super-sensitive about what I and my fellow colleagues would regard as normal work exchanges and feedback. It's a fairly relaxed environment and we understand that it takes a while to learn the systems and don't expect her to get everything right all the time.

Part of her work involves updating product specs. I was wfh a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find the updated version of a file I knew she'd been working on, so I emailed her saying 'Hi, I'm looking for the latest version of the XYZ file. Are you still working on it?' She responded that she had completed the task and uploaded the file. I took another look, still couldn't find it, so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it. She said she had. It turned out, when I searched for it, that she'd accidentally changed the title and put it in the wrong folder. I called her to say I'd found it, told her what had happened and suggested it was something to look out for in the future. I assured her that it's still early days and that we've all done similar things. We laughed at how easy it was to do and that was that.

The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had. I responded in writing saying that I was sorry that was how she'd understood my words, but there was no accusation intended, I was just trying to work out where the file was. She came back saying she still thought I ought to apologise. I sat down with a cup of tea, wondered wtf was going on, gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again. Her response was that if she tells me she's done something I need to trust that she has and not accuse her of lying, which she felt I had by asked her to double-check. She again asked for an apology in writing. I said I was sorry that she felt I was accusing her of not having completed the task and that seemed to satisfy her, but it was such a bizarre exchange that I haven't been able to relax around her since.

I thought I was the only one, but apparently something similar has been going on with two other colleagues. They've both been asked to apologise for the kind of functional communications that go on in every office I've worked in. They're both decent people who feel quite offended by her accusations. They've asked me to talk to her and have made it clear they feel that working with her is going to be a challenge. She is in week nine of a three month probationary period and this needs to be dealt with before the end of probation. My manager is off sick. I've asked the director for permission to involve the HR consultant and I'm waiting for a response, but I'd like to have a conversation with her in the next few days in order to put down a marker and then work out where to go from there.

Has anyone encountered anything like this? Is this a generational thing? I'm in my 50s, my other colleagues are at least 15 years older than her. Our adult children aren't like this but is this the new normal?

I was wondering about asking her if she was enjoying working here and seeing what she has to say. Would it be acceptable to say that I get the impression, from some of her communications with me and others, that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? This is a pleasant place to work, everyone in the is pretty reasonable and good at what they do and we've been a good — and effective — team. Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital? That being able to handle reasonable requests and feedback from colleagues is all part of the job?

I once acquired a fabulous colleague who had previously worked "in PR". By the end of week one I could understand why she didn't work there any more. By the middle of week two she was going round the firm bad-mouthing me to anyone who she thought would listen, claiming I refused to help her. By "help" she meant give her my undivided attention at all times, i.e. while on the phone to clients. Obviously this got back to me. 😂

She then identified the most susceptible (male, obviously) partner in the firm and wept. His secretary reported this to me. He duly reported my appalling cruelty to our direct boss, who asked what was going on and told me to go home and not come in on the Friday. On Friday evening he phoned me at home and said it was safe to come back on Monday. She was gone, and there was an envelope on my desk containing a note giving me a massive, unscheduled pay rise.

Hi OP,
I’m pleased you have the support you required and the situation seems to be resolving.

If your young colleague has sensed the change in atmosphere at work - the confirmation of your managerial position etc, which clearly indicates top management have made decisions for some reason…

It wouldn’t surprise me if your problem resolves itself and she resigns before she fails probation.

Hope you have a great weekend and shelve all thoughts of work and relax until Monday!

All the best.

@Gonners - thank goodness that there are good managers out there who use their brains rather than their nether regions! Also glad you got the pay rise which would have emphasised how much you were valued. 🌹

Oh, I love it when everyone gets what they deserve 😄
Doesn't happen often enough.

When companies spend so much time and resources on recruitment and training and with suitable candidates in short supply in many areas, it can be tempting to make allowances or to try and fix problems. If it is a simple training issue then yes that is reasonable, however, if the personality and behaviour are not right in probation then it is highly unlikely that this will change and highly likely that it will only get worse. So glad your boss has the foresight to see this OP.

I love the new graduate recruit in my department. She's extremely hard-working, very eager to learn and does everything she is told very quickly and conscientiously. We recently had to work to an insane deadline and I had to stay in the office until 2am and she stayed with me to help (I didn't force her and in fact was telling her she should go home, but she wanted to help me get it done). She's brilliant and lovely and we appreciate her and treat her well.

I don't have time for people who moan and complain about every tiny interaction at work.

I would definitely involve HR on this one. Perhaps an extension of her probationary period would be a good idea.

What a snowflake! Sounds like she needs some hard truths

Technically she hadn’t completed the task. Having the file named x in the folder named y would be finishing the task. Having a file named a in the folder named b isn’t “completing” in any sense that I know of even if the asked-for updating had already been done. You have no obligation to apologise for pointing out her cock-ups.
As to what to do about this, nothing. Just make sure she fails the probation and isn’t taken on full time. Should you talk to her? Why? She doesn’t sound like someone you want to work with. Why make a rod for your own back?
Just make sure that whoever is responsible for evaluating the probation knows all the details from you and your colleagues.

Rather than an accident, did she take it upon herself to rename and move the file as she thought her way was better?

Too many red flags, I'd straight up manage her out ASAP because it'll be impossible to do it after her probationary period. We've lots of apprentices and grads, none like this, and they would be out the door if they were. Good luck, not an easy position you're in

Was about to say the same thing! What a cheek, asking for an apology.

Sounds like she has been criticised or managed out before and is getting things in in writing first. I managed someone like this and she was nightmare. Tbh I would not pass her for probation - she is already trouble in the honeymoon period; things won't improve.

@Nanny0gg Rather than an accident, did she take it upon herself to rename and move the file as she thought her way was better?

I can see the sense in renaming a file from (let's say) smith-mortgage to smith-mortgage2, so that if you'd cocked it up then the old file was still there. But I probably wouldn't have moved it to the folder for (say) Jane Brown's dispute with her child's piano teacher.

Whatever happens it needs to be crystal that double checks were happening because she was misfiling documents you all need.

It's an easy fix - once it's done, share the file location with the team.

If you don't think she can get over herself she needs to grow elsewhere, I'm not sure your place can offer the right enviro - no offence but you don't want the team wanting to strangle her do you?!

Consider that she might be neurodivergent and so understand things more literally than they are intended. It's not uncommon for neurodivergent people (like me) to be both passionate about injustice and compelled to tell the truth. If she misunderstood your communication as an accusation and therefore an injustice, she might have had genuine difficulty refraining from seeking redress by way of an apology to right the wrong.

Just something to be mindful of, both with regard to the way you communicate with her and the way she communicates with you. I think your asking her how she would like you to deal with such situations is a very good idea.

You need to back off immediately and get HR involved. No further communication at all other than with HR. Grads are extremely difficult to deal with - there is an entitlement plus whatever they have listened to from the Woke agenda. This will only result in you and your colleagues being put on the wrong foot regardless of what you say or how welcoming - get HR involved and cease all comms with this individual.

Well handled OP!

hope the young person learns a valuable lesson here

Most newbies would not go around demanding apologies from senior colleagues/ managers. They would be mortified at any confusion or mistake. And it’s not just you, she’s done it with others.
This is weird behaviour- she should not be kept on beyond her probation, on the basis of this behaviour alone. I would not trust her to behave reasonably and in a professional manner based on this.

Could we have one thread on here where an account of someone clearly behaving like a dick isn't countered with "oh but they might be neurodivergent"? Just one?

Did you read the full thread? Why should they tolerate other colleagues being insulted and threatened? It's business, she's still in her probation period, she's making basic errors and she's been obnoxious to multiple colleagues. It's a workplace, not a special needs support centre.

As you have already requested an HR consultant, I would do nothing until you have that meeting.

She’s had the meeting.

I wish my manager had been as good. I put up with appalling behaviour from a staff member who I inherited. She also claimed to be a perfectionist and could not take any feedback without getting upset and defensive. She would spend hours over simple tasks despite training and loads of help and support, would disappear for hours and then claim overtime because she had to work late to complete tasks she hadn't finished during the day.

She finally accused me of bullying, invented all sorts of mental health issues (which seemed to disappear and reappear at will) and lied about me to senior staff.

A very wise occupational health professional who came to know both of us let it slip that she was a classic covert narcissist.

Your new employee sounds v similar ! Glad you got sorted ! Good luck with any future new recruits.

The point of a probation period is to make sure the new person can do the job and that includes being a team member. If she’s not satisfying criteria, including fitting in, then let her go. She’s already not fulfilled one job and that would be excused if she learnt from it, but basically she’s being very cocky to ask for written apology for basic job guidance. There is room for growth but if you’re treading on eggshells if you cannot correct her mistakes. Equally, are you a very small team? I’ve recently volunteered to work somewhere and I feel it’s very cliquey with the old timers and they’re very quick to tell me when I make mistakes or should do something better. They all have their own systems and depending on whom I’m with on each shift, I’m either right or wrong! Im long on the tooth and suck it up, but it’s very daunting to be in an established workplace if you don’t have a good mentor. This new generation have “stand up for your rights” shoved down their necks everyday, so maybe, take her aside and mentor her. She stayed late at work, probably because she had no one to ask what to do and was probably in a blind panic. Does anyone else have her skills and capacity or is she learning blind? Some support is needed here for both sides. Good luck!